Anonymous wrote:6 pages of lambasting the OP who has not cheated on her husband. She didn't say the other guy is interested in her sexually. They've had conversations in group settings. Her husband's disinterest, dismissiveness, and narcissistic tendencies is concerning. Unless there's more that OP isn't saying, she's entitled to her feelings for the reasons she's stated.

You all judge and comment from a place of fear. You monopolize the relationship forums and as a result, men don't comment often. Their perspective from a husband's point of view could help, but they won't swim in toxic waters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, this advice column with a therapist is really relevant to you:

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/02/should-i-leave-my-wife-another-woman/606202/

Also, been there. I have a really overwhelming crush on someone, and have done everything you did -- had graphic fantasies, imagined life with him, the whole bit. The connection escalated --we spent more and more time together, many hours of conversation. We don't text or communicate outside of when we see each other. It's been going on for about 2 years.

We have not had an affair. Both spouses know about the crushes. Everyone is trying to be a grown up about it.

COVID has really helped everyone re-connect with their spouses!

OP, you don't have to decide anything right now. DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR with this person. You don't want to do anything that will make you feel shame/guilt, to make you lose respect for yourself. You don't want to have to lie to your family -- it will destroy your soul.

And, you don't want to have an affair with someone in the middle of an infatuation, throw away your marriage, and then find out that your new guy is not actually the one for you. You need time to figure that out.

Same. Not sure what to do with these feelings - they just exist.

OMG you're very immature. You should never have married and had kids.

Immature would be acting on the PP’s feelings. Bringing that energy home is a great step.

Nope. I'm pretty sure immature is spending time masturbating and fantasizing about someone when you're married to someone else and have kids. Not to mention its a monumental waste of time and energy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, this advice column with a therapist is really relevant to you:

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/02/should-i-leave-my-wife-another-woman/606202/

Also, been there. I have a really overwhelming crush on someone, and have done everything you did -- had graphic fantasies, imagined life with him, the whole bit. The connection escalated --we spent more and more time together, many hours of conversation. We don't text or communicate outside of when we see each other. It's been going on for about 2 years.

We have not had an affair. Both spouses know about the crushes. Everyone is trying to be a grown up about it.

COVID has really helped everyone re-connect with their spouses!

OP, you don't have to decide anything right now. DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR with this person. You don't want to do anything that will make you feel shame/guilt, to make you lose respect for yourself. You don't want to have to lie to your family -- it will destroy your soul.

And, you don't want to have an affair with someone in the middle of an infatuation, throw away your marriage, and then find out that your new guy is not actually the one for you. You need time to figure that out.

Same. Not sure what to do with these feelings - they just exist.

OMG you're very immature. You should never have married and had kids.

Immature would be acting on the PP’s feelings. Bringing that energy home is a great step.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, this advice column with a therapist is really relevant to you:

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/02/should-i-leave-my-wife-another-woman/606202/

Also, been there. I have a really overwhelming crush on someone, and have done everything you did -- had graphic fantasies, imagined life with him, the whole bit. The connection escalated --we spent more and more time together, many hours of conversation. We don't text or communicate outside of when we see each other. It's been going on for about 2 years.

We have not had an affair. Both spouses know about the crushes. Everyone is trying to be a grown up about it.

COVID has really helped everyone re-connect with their spouses!

OP, you don't have to decide anything right now. DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR with this person. You don't want to do anything that will make you feel shame/guilt, to make you lose respect for yourself. You don't want to have to lie to your family -- it will destroy your soul.

And, you don't want to have an affair with someone in the middle of an infatuation, throw away your marriage, and then find out that your new guy is not actually the one for you. You need time to figure that out.

Same. Not sure what to do with these feelings - they just exist.

OMG you're very immature. You should never have married and had kids.

Immature would be acting on the PP’s feelings. Bringing that energy home is a great step.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my story is a version of this story: I got a divorce. i think there is something about a woman nearing mid-life (or however anyone wants to define it) that you go, holy sh*t, do i need to sublimate my own happiness for the rest of my life for this ridiculous picture of what a woman's life should be? to take care of everyone else, all the time? when i've said over and over again to him what i need to meet basic emotional needs? it's so embarrassing and sad honestly that this is the same q our mothers asked themselves, but many of them didn't divorce. I don't think you need to die on the cross for an nuclear family. The op said this person is not meeting her needs, not emotionally, not in any substantive way. and she's asked, repeatedly. I think the q is: would you be OK with leaving him even if it didn't work out with this dude? Don't leave for someone else. Leave b/c you have to to be hole, and know that there are no promises about this new thing. can you be happy with being alone? Would it be ok to have your kids 1/2 time and not cook and clean and tend to everyone's needs, be everyone's boss, 100 percent of the time? But be in charge of your time, most of the time? That is ok, completely ok, if your answer is yes, being on your own would be better. Know that the next couple of years are going to be a complete shit show as you transition to that new space. but if you've spent time thinking about those questions, and you also get some therapy for yourself (not couples!) you may be able to see what you need for yourself. Or maybe you already know. Just don't put your eggs in this other person's basket.

If you don't want a nuclear family, don't get married and have kids. If you don't want someone who is dependent on you don't get married and have kids. If you want to be me, myself, and I, going wherever the wind may carry, don't get married and have kids.

Yep. I have so much respect for my 52 year old brother that did not succumb to parental expectations or societal expectations and stayed single. He has had many girlfriends and is very set in his ways. He would have made a horrible husband and father and recognized that.

I HATE all these people that settle to pop out a few kids and then want to run away from their life. Most never really had true love or looked at the long commitment of marriage/family, they were just following a script. Losers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my story is a version of this story: I got a divorce. i think there is something about a woman nearing mid-life (or however anyone wants to define it) that you go, holy sh*t, do i need to sublimate my own happiness for the rest of my life for this ridiculous picture of what a woman's life should be? to take care of everyone else, all the time? when i've said over and over again to him what i need to meet basic emotional needs? it's so embarrassing and sad honestly that this is the same q our mothers asked themselves, but many of them didn't divorce. I don't think you need to die on the cross for an nuclear family. The op said this person is not meeting her needs, not emotionally, not in any substantive way. and she's asked, repeatedly. I think the q is: would you be OK with leaving him even if it didn't work out with this dude? Don't leave for someone else. Leave b/c you have to to be hole, and know that there are no promises about this new thing. can you be happy with being alone? Would it be ok to have your kids 1/2 time and not cook and clean and tend to everyone's needs, be everyone's boss, 100 percent of the time? But be in charge of your time, most of the time? That is ok, completely ok, if your answer is yes, being on your own would be better. Know that the next couple of years are going to be a complete shit show as you transition to that new space. but if you've spent time thinking about those questions, and you also get some therapy for yourself (not couples!) you may be able to see what you need for yourself. Or maybe you already know. Just don't put your eggs in this other person's basket.

If you don't want a nuclear family, don't get married and have kids. If you don't want someone who is dependent on you don't get married and have kids. If you want to be me, myself, and I, going wherever the wind may carry, don't get married and have kids.[/quotues)

you don't have to accept being treated like sh*t. ever. like you and your feelings don't matter. but again, i don't think that some other person is going to solve your problems. my suggestion is ask yourself if you'd be happier outside of the marriage if this thing with this other person didn't work. if so, that's some real "actionable" knowledge that you should not feel ashamed for, and you can bring that to your current partner and be like, this is how i feel, how do you feel? and you shouldn't let weirdo internet forum nuclear family scolds make you feel like a failure. he failed the relationship too. hugs to you and what you are going thru. your feelings are important, you are important, your needs are not being met, and something needs to change. good luck.

There's a whole wide world between accepting being treated like shit and going of to chase butterflies, you know like work on the relationship.