Anonymous
06/29/2020 12:15
Subject: Re:Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My DHs kids def knew they were divorced. We’d all have dinner sometimes for birthdays or other events. He mowed his es wife’s lawn and sometimes ended up eating dinner there with her and whatever kids where around. It was okay. He is NOT the nostalgic (as in sleep with the ex) type if that’s what you worry about.
I don’t think OP is worried about that. I think OP is upset because after a year, her boyfriend is still keeping her away from a big part of his life (his kids). As long as he isn’t integrating her into family gatherings, she knows he’s not thinking seriously of marrying her or anything like that.
Yes this is it. I thought we were moving, in one direction, and now it seems we're not. I want to be flexible as I know this is a sensitive thing for the kids, but I don't know where to set the line of being flexible or stupid.
Op this is good for the kids and has nothing to do with you. My parents divorced when I was 2. I still wanted a picture with just them on my wedding day, despite loving my very involved stepparents deeply.
Yeah because this is what OP is complaining about, not being included in a wedding picture.
Anonymous
06/29/2020 12:14
Subject: Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?
Anonymous wrote:Dinners once or twice a month with both parents and children sounds very reasonable and healthy I agree that there is no need for you to be included in those dinners as long as you’re included another significant life events. I’m a stepmom and know how sensitive this stuff is, but it’s best for you to have a healthy boundary and allow the parents to be parents. This is not about you. You can have a strong relationship and still allow your partner to coparent.
So would you be okay with your spouse pretending you don't exist for the kids?
Anonymous
06/29/2020 12:00
Subject: Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?
Dinners once or twice a month with both parents and children sounds very reasonable and healthy I agree that there is no need for you to be included in those dinners as long as you’re included another significant life events. I’m a stepmom and know how sensitive this stuff is, but it’s best for you to have a healthy boundary and allow the parents to be parents. This is not about you. You can have a strong relationship and still allow your partner to coparent.
Anonymous
06/29/2020 11:58
Subject: Re:Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My DHs kids def knew they were divorced. We’d all have dinner sometimes for birthdays or other events. He mowed his es wife’s lawn and sometimes ended up eating dinner there with her and whatever kids where around. It was okay. He is NOT the nostalgic (as in sleep with the ex) type if that’s what you worry about.
I don’t think OP is worried about that. I think OP is upset because after a year, her boyfriend is still keeping her away from a big part of his life (his kids). As long as he isn’t integrating her into family gatherings, she knows he’s not thinking seriously of marrying her or anything like that.
Yes this is it. I thought we were moving, in one direction, and now it seems we're not. I want to be flexible as I know this is a sensitive thing for the kids, but I don't know where to set the line of being flexible or stupid.
Op this is good for the kids and has nothing to do with you. My parents divorced when I was 2. I still wanted a picture with just them on my wedding day, despite loving my very involved stepparents deeply.
Anonymous
06/29/2020 11:53
Subject: Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?
Yes,I'd be okay with it.
Yes,my boyfriend is okay with this.
I kicked a cheater to the curb and went as no contact as I could. Parallel parenting and built my new relationship.
Boyfriend at times did a hi and bye to my daughter or half an hour of play before she went to her dad's. When she was having problems of not wanting to go to her dad's place, it was my boyfriend who suggested for her wellbeing that ex could visit and sleepover in the guest suite. I was the one who wasn't in for that.
After a year daughter was clearly unhappy about not doing things together with both parents. Child psychologist told me it has nothing to do with faking being back together. So by now I do engage in the odd outing or dinner. And indeed, we granted her her biggest wish Xmas Eve in the old home - me and cheater ex. Never in the world would my boyfriend want to be part of this! I could do without it.
If I had a partner with kids I'd let them figure it out and go along with whatever works.
Ughh and referring to a pp above,I would NOT want my partner to tell his (teenage) kids he's found someone who is so special to him. It is embarrassing to them. At that age no one wants to hear about the romantic love life of their parents. I'd be worried they'd find me utterly gross before even meeting me
Yes,my boyfriend is okay with this.
I kicked a cheater to the curb and went as no contact as I could. Parallel parenting and built my new relationship.
Boyfriend at times did a hi and bye to my daughter or half an hour of play before she went to her dad's. When she was having problems of not wanting to go to her dad's place, it was my boyfriend who suggested for her wellbeing that ex could visit and sleepover in the guest suite. I was the one who wasn't in for that.
After a year daughter was clearly unhappy about not doing things together with both parents. Child psychologist told me it has nothing to do with faking being back together. So by now I do engage in the odd outing or dinner. And indeed, we granted her her biggest wish Xmas Eve in the old home - me and cheater ex. Never in the world would my boyfriend want to be part of this! I could do without it.
If I had a partner with kids I'd let them figure it out and go along with whatever works.
Ughh and referring to a pp above,I would NOT want my partner to tell his (teenage) kids he's found someone who is so special to him. It is embarrassing to them. At that age no one wants to hear about the romantic love life of their parents. I'd be worried they'd find me utterly gross before even meeting me
Anonymous
06/28/2020 21:39
Subject: Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?
Its good for kids to see their parents together. Even ifnthey arent involved romantically. It models good behavior. Indont think there always needs to be a step parent or SO involved. If this makes you uncomfortable break up with your partner. Inwoukd be happy tonhave a partner whonwas kature enough to put aside petty things for the sake of the kids. Yes, to you being cheated on is a big deal but in the end its petty. People can be crappy spouses but great parents.
Anonymous
06/28/2020 16:43
Subject: Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?
I was the child in this situation. My parents' insistence on having dinners together was awkward and annoying. In no way did it make me think they were going to get back together, because even a short time was painfully awkward. I doubt the kids are fooled in any way. "Keep up appearances" of what, exactly? The kids can tell that their parents are divorced!
I agree that this means the dad isn't really serious about the OP. Not because the dinners are happening and she isn't invited (this is fine, and kids deserve time with their parents and no extra people). But because it's been a year and she hasn't met the kids at all. It seems like he doesn't want to change the family dynamic while the kids are still at home. And I think that's completely understandable. It's a big hassle to re-integrate everyone into a new family setup, just as they've settled down to a "new normal" post-divorce. I think parents have the right to date, but it isn't always worth the blowback if you aren't sufficiently enthusiastic about the relationship.
I agree that this means the dad isn't really serious about the OP. Not because the dinners are happening and she isn't invited (this is fine, and kids deserve time with their parents and no extra people). But because it's been a year and she hasn't met the kids at all. It seems like he doesn't want to change the family dynamic while the kids are still at home. And I think that's completely understandable. It's a big hassle to re-integrate everyone into a new family setup, just as they've settled down to a "new normal" post-divorce. I think parents have the right to date, but it isn't always worth the blowback if you aren't sufficiently enthusiastic about the relationship.
Anonymous
06/28/2020 15:14
Subject: Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Dating over a year.
The appearance of nothing in their lives changing.
The kids know their parents have divorced, right?
You’ve posted twice and I’m already finding your passive-aggression tiresome.
I don't mean to have a tone. To be honest I'm not sure, if they know or not, I initially assumed that they did. I have not met the children yet. This is not a graduation or birthday dinner. This is something they have been doing, ex wife has made it clear that I will never need to attend dinners. Both don't want to upset kids. We had previously discussed me meeting his kids.
This is creepy. Once you are divorced exwife cannot dictate what her former husband does.
OP, I'd invite the kids and the Dad for a July4th barbeque at your house. Dad already will have custody. Tell Dad you'd like to host the family for the holiday. You want to grill out and you think it will be fun.
See what he says. It will be telling.
IF he refuses because it may "upset" the his children I'd kick him to the curb and get back in the dating pool. There are good quality men out there that will treat you with respect.
You are not a one night stand or a hook up and you have been dating this guy for a year.
They dynamics between him and his exwife are weird and the exwife seems to control his time.
Anonymous
06/28/2020 15:10
Subject: Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Dinners 1-2x a month would not bother me. Being a secret from DCs after a year of dating would. I don’t have to necessarily meet DCs but they need to know their Dad is dating someone special.
Maybe he doesn’t consider her special
My thoughts too.
Anonymous
06/28/2020 15:07
Subject: Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Dating over a year.
The appearance of nothing in their lives changing.
The kids know their parents have divorced, right?
You’ve posted twice and I’m already finding your passive-aggression tiresome.
I don't mean to have a tone. To be honest I'm not sure, if they know or not, I initially assumed that they did. I have not met the children yet. This is not a graduation or birthday dinner. This is something they have been doing, ex wife has made it clear that I will never need to attend dinners. Both don't want to upset kids. We had previously discussed me meeting his kids.
Ex doesn’t run the narrative one his love life if he doesn’t let her. I would seriously push back that if these are to continue besides big events you are to be invited. One by one. Giving him some time. Until he realizes it. And if not deal breaker. It’s not getting better if he can’t stNd up to her now.
You have value too.
Anonymous
06/28/2020 15:05
Subject: Re:Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My DHs kids def knew they were divorced. We’d all have dinner sometimes for birthdays or other events. He mowed his es wife’s lawn and sometimes ended up eating dinner there with her and whatever kids where around. It was okay. He is NOT the nostalgic (as in sleep with the ex) type if that’s what you worry about.
I don’t think OP is worried about that. I think OP is upset because after a year, her boyfriend is still keeping her away from a big part of his life (his kids). As long as he isn’t integrating her into family gatherings, she knows he’s not thinking seriously of marrying her or anything like that.
Yes this is it. I thought we were moving, in one direction, and now it seems we're not. I want to be flexible as I know this is a sensitive thing for the kids, but I don't know where to set the line of being flexible or stupid.
After 1 year of dating you a man knows if he wants to move in a certain direction or not.
Anonymous
06/28/2020 15:04
Subject: Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?
Anonymous wrote:Without you. In order to keep up appearances for the kids, and not wanting them to feel anything is different.
Well, things are different. Parents have been divorced for 4 years and kids are older between 14 - 18.
Anonymous
06/28/2020 15:03
Subject: Re:Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I divorced 3 years ago and have dinner once a week with exDH and DD. Sometimes one of us cooks, sometimes we go out, but we make it a point to have a family meal. I do not invite my significant other as this is DDs time with her parents.
I would never date someone that doesn’t understand that while I’m divorced, this is my DDs family and her parents get along.
Yes, we’re also one of those families that still does holidays together.
I think this is great.
Yeah no
I wouldn’t be ok with that
And I wouldn’t do that with my ex as I think it would confuse my DS and make him think his parents might get back together[/quote]
I do not think it is confusing. I plan to do that with my ex once in awhile with kids forever. There is no romantic relationship. We can do the business of kids.
Anonymous
06/28/2020 15:01
Subject: Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?
Anonymous wrote:Dinners 1-2x a month would not bother me. Being a secret from DCs after a year of dating would. I don’t have to necessarily meet DCs but they need to know their Dad is dating someone special.
I agree. The children are not young. They are between the ages of 14 - 18. They've clearly met step parents at their friends houses and clearly met their friends parents boyfriend and/or girlfriends at sporting events etc.
OP, does your boyfriend want a relationship with you? Something is seriously off.
Also, I read that they have been divorced for 4 years and you have been dating boyfriend for a year? Did he have prior girlfriends? I suspect he treated them the same way and at some point the girlfriend read the writing on the wall and dumped them.
Anonymous
06/28/2020 14:55
Subject: Would you be ok with your SO having dinners with ex hisband/wife and the kids?
Anonymous wrote:Dinners 1-2x a month would not bother me. Being a secret from DCs after a year of dating would. I don’t have to necessarily meet DCs but they need to know their Dad is dating someone special.
Maybe he doesn’t consider her special