Anonymous
06/15/2020 15:13
Subject: Re:When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
If she wants invites from others she needs to invite others to something she organizes and then hope that the mean girls reciprocate.
Anonymous
06/15/2020 15:07
Subject: When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
I haven't read all the responses but I have felt like the "left out Mom" before. Could you take a role of saying to your friends,
Joan really wants to be a part of the group, if you are cool with it, we should invite her along more often?
or something like that? It doesn't have to be a specific sociall event, but just a heads up in your circle that the circle being more inclusive could matter to someone else. It doesn't sound like people actively dislike her, it sounds like they just don't think of her.
Joan really wants to be a part of the group, if you are cool with it, we should invite her along more often?
or something like that? It doesn't have to be a specific sociall event, but just a heads up in your circle that the circle being more inclusive could matter to someone else. It doesn't sound like people actively dislike her, it sounds like they just don't think of her.
Anonymous
06/15/2020 15:00
Subject: Re:When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Alright. OP here. I just sent that exact text and she replied, "Do you think they dislike me or B [her son]?"
I'm trying to work. I wrote of course not, just an oversight, and she replied with a huge text message to the group asking to please invite her and her son next time...Oh god.
DROP THE ROPE. Why are you texting any gossip or speculation?!
"I can only speak for myself, and I enjoy our time together. If you have questions or concerns about Beth and Jessica, you will need to talk to them directly."
STOP. You are not a therapist, a life coach, or a mediator.
I think it's hard to just not respond to a text like that.
Anonymous
06/15/2020 13:23
Subject: Re:When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Anonymous wrote:Alright. OP here. I just sent that exact text and she replied, "Do you think they dislike me or B [her son]?"
I'm trying to work. I wrote of course not, just an oversight, and she replied with a huge text message to the group asking to please invite her and her son next time...Oh god.
DROP THE ROPE. Why are you texting any gossip or speculation?!
"I can only speak for myself, and I enjoy our time together. If you have questions or concerns about Beth and Jessica, you will need to talk to them directly."
STOP. You are not a therapist, a life coach, or a mediator.
Anonymous
06/15/2020 12:27
Subject: Re:When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Alright. OP here. I just sent that exact text and she replied, "Do you think they dislike me or B [her son]?"
I'm trying to work. I wrote of course not, just an oversight, and she replied with a huge text message to the group asking to please invite her and her son next time...Oh god.
I'm trying to work. I wrote of course not, just an oversight, and she replied with a huge text message to the group asking to please invite her and her son next time...Oh god.
Anonymous
06/15/2020 12:18
Subject: When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
OP, with your updates, I'd just shrug it all off. You've done what you can. She's needy and socially awkward. Has she ever done anything to reciprocate or has she only relied on you as her social manager? What really made me uncomfortable was her needing you to drive her places and making you leave before you're ready. That's not ok if she's doing that regularly.
Anonymous
06/15/2020 12:18
Subject: Re:When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the replies (most of them anyways); yeah, I have mentioned it to the other moms in the group: Hey, can we include XX? Everyone always says, sure, invite her along! So I do.
It's more when someone else initiates the event, she is overlooked. Why?
Well, she is a bit awkward; her child isn't very outgoing, either, and naturally gravitates toward one other friend and isn't involved in the same activities as the other kids (we all know each other from soccer in addition to school). Nobody dislikes her, and people are always happy to have her come along--this truly is not a mean girl/snobby group--but I don't think she's at the top of everyone's mind when putting together an event.
Now I feel like any time anything happens with our kids, I should invite her, but her son often hangs on the sidelines and so does she. But if I don't include her, I will feel terrible as well.
What I have done is try to include her in smaller things that I initiate, but by doing this, I feel that she thinks that everything I do, she should also come along with. So for the party, for example, this was another mom's event. She had a parade, a cake, a musician she hired played music in their front yard for a half hour, and she had favors for the guests. It wasn't something I could very easily just invite somebody else to, like a group meeting at an ice cream truck.
The mom in question just commented under the photo, Wish I had known about this!
I don't know what to do, I think now her behavior is really beginning to make people feel on the spot. I get it, as someone who was a dorky elementary schooler, I feel like I should be especially inclusive, but I also cannot tell other people who to invite. Then when she gets uncomfortable I also feel responsible if she's being shy at a party (she has asked me to drive her or pick her up before, so if she wants to leave I go home too).
Help! Ack. Sorry, I am venting, this is just awkward...and to those who think I enjoy excluding people? Wow just wow, having been there, um no.
OK enough with the drama and making this so overblown:
"I am always happy to invite you to my events, or to let you know if I hear about open events. If you have a question about Susan's event, you'll need to talk to her directly."
Two sentences.
Done.
Anonymous
06/15/2020 11:59
Subject: Re:When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
OP here - thanks for the replies (most of them anyways); yeah, I have mentioned it to the other moms in the group: Hey, can we include XX? Everyone always says, sure, invite her along! So I do.
It's more when someone else initiates the event, she is overlooked. Why?
Well, she is a bit awkward; her child isn't very outgoing, either, and naturally gravitates toward one other friend and isn't involved in the same activities as the other kids (we all know each other from soccer in addition to school). Nobody dislikes her, and people are always happy to have her come along--this truly is not a mean girl/snobby group--but I don't think she's at the top of everyone's mind when putting together an event.
Now I feel like any time anything happens with our kids, I should invite her, but her son often hangs on the sidelines and so does she. But if I don't include her, I will feel terrible as well.
What I have done is try to include her in smaller things that I initiate, but by doing this, I feel that she thinks that everything I do, she should also come along with. So for the party, for example, this was another mom's event. She had a parade, a cake, a musician she hired played music in their front yard for a half hour, and she had favors for the guests. It wasn't something I could very easily just invite somebody else to, like a group meeting at an ice cream truck.
The mom in question just commented under the photo, Wish I had known about this!
I don't know what to do, I think now her behavior is really beginning to make people feel on the spot. I get it, as someone who was a dorky elementary schooler, I feel like I should be especially inclusive, but I also cannot tell other people who to invite. Then when she gets uncomfortable I also feel responsible if she's being shy at a party (she has asked me to drive her or pick her up before, so if she wants to leave I go home too).
Help! Ack. Sorry, I am venting, this is just awkward...and to those who think I enjoy excluding people? Wow just wow, having been there, um no.
It's more when someone else initiates the event, she is overlooked. Why?
Well, she is a bit awkward; her child isn't very outgoing, either, and naturally gravitates toward one other friend and isn't involved in the same activities as the other kids (we all know each other from soccer in addition to school). Nobody dislikes her, and people are always happy to have her come along--this truly is not a mean girl/snobby group--but I don't think she's at the top of everyone's mind when putting together an event.
Now I feel like any time anything happens with our kids, I should invite her, but her son often hangs on the sidelines and so does she. But if I don't include her, I will feel terrible as well.
What I have done is try to include her in smaller things that I initiate, but by doing this, I feel that she thinks that everything I do, she should also come along with. So for the party, for example, this was another mom's event. She had a parade, a cake, a musician she hired played music in their front yard for a half hour, and she had favors for the guests. It wasn't something I could very easily just invite somebody else to, like a group meeting at an ice cream truck.
The mom in question just commented under the photo, Wish I had known about this!
I don't know what to do, I think now her behavior is really beginning to make people feel on the spot. I get it, as someone who was a dorky elementary schooler, I feel like I should be especially inclusive, but I also cannot tell other people who to invite. Then when she gets uncomfortable I also feel responsible if she's being shy at a party (she has asked me to drive her or pick her up before, so if she wants to leave I go home too).
Help! Ack. Sorry, I am venting, this is just awkward...and to those who think I enjoy excluding people? Wow just wow, having been there, um no.
Anonymous
06/15/2020 11:48
Subject: When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Curious, have you spoken to others in your “ mom group” about this?
Anonymous
06/15/2020 11:34
Subject: Re:When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think the real issue is with adults posting party photos on social media. It leads to no good! People inevitably get hurt feelings. Share via text with the group invited, don't broadcast it!
I agree - I don’t do it.
+100
Social media are terrible for creating feelings of exclusion. If you're going to use it as your bulletin board to show your family's fun times, at least learn to limit who sees what.
I wish we could put that genie back in its bottle but it's too late, unfortunately.
OP, you aren't responsible for inviting the friend's child to someone else's event. The nature of the party was part of the problem -- I think some people now are thinking of these "drive-by" or "parade" events as public and open to anyone; technically one could say they are, as they are on a public street that isn't owned by the so-called hosts. We'll see more of this kind of "private but not really private/in a space we can't personally control" parties happening, I think, and we'll see other conflicts over them.
The mom who feels left out is asking too much of you, but she also might feel overwhelmed by a kid who is (or whom she feels is) isolated more than other kids in the group. Yes, she needs to mellow out, but you could also just do something that involves her that YOU organize. Eventually maybe she'll get the message that you are happy to have her/her kid at (virtual/distanced) things you organize but you're not her one link to a larger group of parents she could contact herself. But I wouldn't ream her, or you, over this like some posters want to do. It's a time for some calm and compassion, not debates in all capital letters....
Anonymous
06/15/2020 10:26
Subject: When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ugh OP ugh. This is dripping with mean girl passive aggressive. So there are a dozen moms in the neighborhood with same aged kids and they all hang out, with the exception of the one mom who is only sometimes/rarely invited, and there is bragging on social media, and the odd mom out is asking about it, and you feel sorry for YOURSELF because she is reaching out to you. Get over yourself sheesh. What a bratty group of neighbors. PS i guarantee this group will blow up in your face.
+1. OP this woman is reaching out to you because she thinks of you as Her friend. You obviously don’t give a crap about her or you would have stuck up for her. Be honest with her and yourself.
+2
You are also angry that she was able to do something you have not and have suffered for it, so why shouldn’t she right? You are upset because she was able to express her feelings and ask directly for a resolution. Instead of simmering with the feelings, putting on a fake smile when getting together and then just feeling less than inwardly. How dare she actually be proactive an admit she has feelings and then ask someone to do something to help her?
OP didn’t say this person was her friend. She said they were friendly. I’m friendly with lots of random people... that doesn’t mean I owe them anything, socially or otherwise. Demanding invites and getting angry with the sole friendly face in the group is just weird and probably part of the reason she isn’t being included.
And by the way, I’m usually the mom that doesn’t get included- and somehow I manage not to latch on and get angry at the other mothers for not helping me with my social issues. I have a happy extroverted child that gets lots of play date invites, but the invites never extend to when it’s group outings of moms with kids. Know whose problem that is? Mine. What is there to be honest about? It’s crystal clear. I’m embarrassed on behalf of that other mom who is basically trying to guilt her way into this group.
SHE IS TRYING TO BE FRIENDS. That's how this works. Geez. She's not "guild tripping", she's upset that the Queen Bee mommy group in her neighborhood can't be bothered to include one additional family. And she's right.
You know how you try to be friends? You initiate. YOU do the inviting. Eventually some friendships will form naturally with people you actually click with. See a friendly face in the crowd? Invite that mom for a coffee, make it a playdate.
Throwing a hissy fit because she and her child were not invited to an event that wasn't even hosted by the OP is not going to win this woman any friends. It's off-putting. If she doesn't realize it, it might be a sign that there's a reason she isn't being included. Why didn't she reach out to that other mom who didn't invite her?
Anonymous
06/15/2020 10:21
Subject: Re:When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Anonymous wrote:I think the real issue is with adults posting party photos on social media. It leads to no good! People inevitably get hurt feelings. Share via text with the group invited, don't broadcast it!
This!!
Anonymous
06/15/2020 10:13
Subject: Re:When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:These boards often seem to bring out "projection" tendencies in people, who extrapolate situations and ascribe behaviors to the OP that have no relevance to their posts or questions. Insults also often get hurled. It's a fascinating psychological phenomenon.
Who on earth would invite someone else to another person's child's birthday party?? It's beyond rude.
But it wasn't really a birthday party. Didn't cost the birthday child's mother any money. It's literally driving by (on public roads). I can't imagine the birthday child would be ticked off by an additional child waving from the car and wishing them a happy birthday.
It doesn't matter! Someone else's event is someone else's event!
If someone invited a certain person in my neighborhood to even a drive-by event I organized for my child without checking with me, they would be treated to an earful about how that neighbor made racist comments in front of my children, and I choose to never have that person around me or my children EVER AGAIN. Mind your business. Hint: your business is not inviting people to anyone's event but YOUR OWN.
Anonymous
06/15/2020 10:13
Subject: Re:When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
What else can the OP do? She already said she invites the friend to any event she organizes and also tells her about large group outings, which the woman declines???
Is she also supposed to immediately report to her every smaller gathering and ask: Can XX come, too? each time for fear that the friend will then get mad?
Maybe this woman just doesn't gel with the group. That happens with adults. Not every social group is a fit. Unless they are being outwardly mean, rude, and making a point of excluding this ONE woman, it's just a natural part of how organic friendships unfold. If the "outside" friend wants an in and to take control of her own social life, she should host these people herself or else reach out directly to the hosts of the events she's upset about, not target one mom in the group as her "in" -- perhaps sensing that woman is especially kind and inclusive.
Is she also supposed to immediately report to her every smaller gathering and ask: Can XX come, too? each time for fear that the friend will then get mad?
Maybe this woman just doesn't gel with the group. That happens with adults. Not every social group is a fit. Unless they are being outwardly mean, rude, and making a point of excluding this ONE woman, it's just a natural part of how organic friendships unfold. If the "outside" friend wants an in and to take control of her own social life, she should host these people herself or else reach out directly to the hosts of the events she's upset about, not target one mom in the group as her "in" -- perhaps sensing that woman is especially kind and inclusive.
Anonymous
06/15/2020 10:08
Subject: Re:When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:These boards often seem to bring out "projection" tendencies in people, who extrapolate situations and ascribe behaviors to the OP that have no relevance to their posts or questions. Insults also often get hurled. It's a fascinating psychological phenomenon.
Who on earth would invite someone else to another person's child's birthday party?? It's beyond rude.
But it wasn't really a birthday party. Didn't cost the birthday child's mother any money. It's literally driving by (on public roads). I can't imagine the birthday child would be ticked off by an additional child waving from the car and wishing them a happy birthday.
Of course not. But do you see the strange social dynamics that the "outsider" mom is foisting upon one person? She's saying, every time an event happens, I appoint you to be the messenger and to invite me. It puts the OP in a very odd position. The onus was on the birthday child's parent to be more inclusive, if she so chose. But honestly, you cannot invite everyone to everything. The mom probably invited the kids in her child's circle...