Anonymous
Post 06/29/2020 21:01     Subject: Ex wants to take kids on hotel trip with new bf
Kids see all this where mom's priorities are and they soak it all in. Not good at all for their upbringing.
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2020 16:03     Subject: Ex wants to take kids on hotel trip with new bf
After her divorce, my sister wanted to take her teenaged son away with her and her boyfriend. Their plan was to stay together and then rent a separate room for the boy by himself.

The kid declined, and wound up staying with family friends in their hometown. She felt okay because she had offered to take him along.

I thought it was so sad. What teen boy wants to stay alone in a hotel, knowing your mom is having sex next store with her boyfriend?

I felt really badly for the kid and he did wind up having problems (not severe) in high school. Could have been the divorce, but I think the mother's divided "loyalty/focus" did not help.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2020 17:01     Subject: Ex wants to take kids on hotel trip with new bf
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think your hesitancy in getting legal on this issue is a cop out. THIS is precisely the sort of issue you must play hardball. Everything about this plan sounds awful. And I'll note not a single mention of concerns about COVID? Having a strange man staying IN THE SAME ROOM (?) with your children is an absolute non-starter. And your ex has only just recently started dating this guy? So is he expecting to try and have sex in the middle of the night while your children are there? Everything about this is just awful. And you state that your children has already expressed discomfort about this? Well, dad, that is your children begging you to intervene and protect them. You must. I feel like you're trying to avoid conflict and prioritizing that over your children's safety and wellbeing. No, no, no.


I agree. Get legal advice. Who knows if he’s even been social distancing.


Presumably the boyfriend is regularly around the mom, who is regularly around the kids, so COVID is already a risk regardless of the vacation.

OP, you are conflating several issues:
1) Mom has an active dating life. This is a blow to your ego, but it’s really none of your business.
2) Mom is exposing the kids to the BF “to early”. This is sort of your business, but you really have no control over this.
3) Sleepovers that make your children uncomfortable. This is a valid concern.

By combining these issues, along with all the crazy “what ifs”, you look controlling and irrational, and make Mom less willing to seek mutually-agreeable solutions. Mom is hearing: “You are a whore and a bad parent, and I am using the kids to control you.” Would you want to negotiate with someone who is attacking you like that?

I don’t think you are really controlling and irrational; I just think you’re upset and struggling to frame this conversation.

I suggest you drop the first two arguments entirely, and focus solely on the second:

“I understand you want Tom and the kids to get to know each other, and that having time together in a fun place like the beach might be a good, neutral place to start this process. The kids have expressed concern about staying in a hotel room with Tom at this time. Would it be possible for him to get his own hotel room? Or perhaps you rent a 3-br condo so everyone has a little more privacy.”

You may get further this way. If mom still objects, call your lawyer to see what can be done about the sleepovers.


Sorry, this is nothing as you are understanding. We all date and I don’t have any issues with her dating. The other examples I provided is only to discuss where my trust issue with my ex are coming from as a parent and nothing else. My only concern is what kind of impression it leaves on kids and how they would take it growing up. Ofcourse, we have differences in values and that’s why we are here. I do understand what her fears about this communication would be and asked over here for an advice to deal with it in a subtle way. I was very polite about discussing this with her and all my concerns are about kids being uncomfortable.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2020 08:42     Subject: Ex wants to take kids on hotel trip with new bf
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The kids' discomfort is what makes the difference. I personally would go nuclear over the molestation possibility. Molesters are very skillful at positioning themselves into relationships that create these kinds of opportunities. No, no, no! I would do whatever it took to prevent her from taking them, relationship be damned.


Yes, what if he drugs the mom and then hands off the kids to a partner involved in human trafficking? Or leaves and kidnaps them? Or abuses them? Or takes inappropriate photos? Or drugs kids too? Mom would be Non the wiser until she wakes many hours later.


Seek help. Honestly. Paranoid and fearful is no way to go through life.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2020 08:38     Subject: Ex wants to take kids on hotel trip with new bf
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think your hesitancy in getting legal on this issue is a cop out. THIS is precisely the sort of issue you must play hardball. Everything about this plan sounds awful. And I'll note not a single mention of concerns about COVID? Having a strange man staying IN THE SAME ROOM (?) with your children is an absolute non-starter. And your ex has only just recently started dating this guy? So is he expecting to try and have sex in the middle of the night while your children are there? Everything about this is just awful. And you state that your children has already expressed discomfort about this? Well, dad, that is your children begging you to intervene and protect them. You must. I feel like you're trying to avoid conflict and prioritizing that over your children's safety and wellbeing. No, no, no.


I agree. Get legal advice. Who knows if he’s even been social distancing.


Presumably the boyfriend is regularly around the mom, who is regularly around the kids, so COVID is already a risk regardless of the vacation.

OP, you are conflating several issues:
1) Mom has an active dating life. This is a blow to your ego, but it’s really none of your business.
2) Mom is exposing the kids to the BF “to early”. This is sort of your business, but you really have no control over this.
3) Sleepovers that make your children uncomfortable. This is a valid concern.

By combining these issues, along with all the crazy “what ifs”, you look controlling and irrational, and make Mom less willing to seek mutually-agreeable solutions. Mom is hearing: “You are a whore and a bad parent, and I am using the kids to control you.” Would you want to negotiate with someone who is attacking you like that?

I don’t think you are really controlling and irrational; I just think you’re upset and struggling to frame this conversation.

I suggest you drop the first two arguments entirely, and focus solely on the second:

“I understand you want Tom and the kids to get to know each other, and that having time together in a fun place like the beach might be a good, neutral place to start this process. The kids have expressed concern about staying in a hotel room with Tom at this time. Would it be possible for him to get his own hotel room? Or perhaps you rent a 3-br condo so everyone has a little more privacy.”

You may get further this way. If mom still objects, call your lawyer to see what can be done about the sleepovers.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2020 22:30     Subject: Ex wants to take kids on hotel trip with new bf
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think your hesitancy in getting legal on this issue is a cop out. THIS is precisely the sort of issue you must play hardball. Everything about this plan sounds awful. And I'll note not a single mention of concerns about COVID? Having a strange man staying IN THE SAME ROOM (?) with your children is an absolute non-starter. And your ex has only just recently started dating this guy? So is he expecting to try and have sex in the middle of the night while your children are there? Everything about this is just awful. And you state that your children has already expressed discomfort about this? Well, dad, that is your children begging you to intervene and protect them. You must. I feel like you're trying to avoid conflict and prioritizing that over your children's safety and wellbeing. No, no, no.


I agree. Get legal advice. Who knows if he’s even been social distancing.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2020 22:18     Subject: Ex wants to take kids on hotel trip with new bf
Anonymous wrote:The kids' discomfort is what makes the difference. I personally would go nuclear over the molestation possibility. Molesters are very skillful at positioning themselves into relationships that create these kinds of opportunities. No, no, no! I would do whatever it took to prevent her from taking them, relationship be damned.


Yes, what if he drugs the mom and then hands off the kids to a partner involved in human trafficking? Or leaves and kidnaps them? Or abuses them? Or takes inappropriate photos? Or drugs kids too? Mom would be Non the wiser until she wakes many hours later.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2020 21:42     Subject: Re:Ex wants to take kids on hotel trip with new bf
I would be concerned too and running a public records background, social media, linked in check on the BF. How did he and ex wife initially meet? If the kids do go, would they be able to speak with you if the wanted? Have own phone? Know emergency procedures- where to seek help if mom is passed out drunk and they are left with BF? It’s too new to really know a person.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2020 21:35     Subject: Ex wants to take kids on hotel trip with new bf
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:offer to keep the kids so she can have a romantic adult only vacation


I did offer that but she doesn’t care and always try to push her bf on them.


It sounds like it's time to get something about stuff like this in writing. Also if your kids have expressed they are uncomfortable, I'd encourage them to tell their mom that. Maybe hearing it from them will make her reevaluate. Does she have no concerns about sexual abuse? You do not give men you don’t know well unfettered access to your children.


This. Also how far is the beach? Instate or out? Does your agreement cover out of state overnights?
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2020 21:30     Subject: Ex wants to take kids on hotel trip with new bf
Even if there are marks, CPS wouldn’t do much.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2020 18:39     Subject: Ex wants to take kids on hotel trip with new bf
Anonymous wrote:You would be surprised how incompetent CPS could be and they don’t care to look into anything like this. Would end the investigation as inconclusive.

Much worse happened with a friend’s daughter and CPS didn’t do anything.


They aren't incompetent in most cases, but in some they are. They have to have clear evidence to take it to court and do something. The threshold is very high.