Anonymous wrote:I felt very confused, and like I would be ruining his life and trapping him in a life he didn't want at that time if I told him. I am fairly certain that he would have eventually come around to making a decision to keep the baby because of his religious beliefs. And I wonder if we would have stayed together and be a happy family. I never found anyone that I felt as strongly about as I did him. I just can't let it go and can't stop beating myself up for making naive and poor decisions.

No I wouldn't tell him.

Are you sure the issue of telling him is really because the therapist says so. Are you sure you aren't just trying to get back in touch with someone you had such strong feelings for to test the waters a little. You say you beat yourself up for making naive and poor decisions, is that because you look at your life now and you aren't happy and somehow you believe if you had of told him, he would have stayed with you because of his religious beliefs and you would have the happy family life he has now.

I can tell you that you wouldn't have that life if you had stayed with him. It's obvious from what you have written that he didn't want that commitment with you so yes, he would have felt resentment. It's painful and it's hurtful however at some point you need to forgive yourself for the abortion and come to accept that this relationship was not meant to be. Why are you not proud of yourself that you didn't trap him in a life that he openly stated he didn't want, that shows compassion and strength. So why not give some of that compassion and strength to yourself about the abortion. It wasn't an easy decision to make I think you really need to forgive yourself. Telling this guy 20 years later won't give you the closure you need.

Anonymous wrote:I think you have developed an obsession for this guy. Your post is very detailed about him, his goals, etc. you seem to want to hold onto the pain out of desperation to have something connected to him, even if it damages him or you. I think it has little to do with the abortion itself. It could quickly spiral into a stalking situation. What is your parents relationship like? What was your relationship like with your father? I agree you need to find a new therapist who will push you to address your fixation with him and the past without encouraging your fantasy reunion.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Thanks for those that have responded and been kind. For that that haven't been, I hope that you never experience something that haunts you like this has haunted me. It's not fun.

...

Re: does my husband know. I disclosed that I had an abortion when I was pregnant with our first child. I did not tell him that I hadn't disclosed it to the boyfriend. He is aware that I have sought therapy in the past and that I went through difficult times related to that relationship. He made me feel like dirt for having an abortion and said that I should have told him before we got married.

WHOAH. Talk about burying the lede. The problem isn't the abortion you had 20 years ago. The problem is that your husband thought it was okay to make his pregnant wife "feel like dirt" about it, and that you don't see that's a problem.

Use your counseling dollars to deal with this, not the long-past abortion that's become the focal point of your unhappiness.

Tangent comment. I always thought it was "burying the lead" but it's actually "burying the lede." Thank you for teaching me that. Carry on.

No!!!! Do not tell him.

OP, you're messed up but telling him is wrong

The options if you contact him:
He never replies and blocks you.
He replies and tells you never to contact him again.
He replies, says nasty things to you, says never to contact him again.
He replies and says he's sorry that happened but he has moved on. (Best case scenario.)
He replies and you two get together and have a torrid affair. And then he dumps you again. (This actually happened to a friend of mine.)

Anonymous wrote:No you should not contact him. It is not his responsibility to make you feel better or share your burden. You need to let it go and live the life you have. Your life sounds like it could be pretty good if you let it. Many many many decisions you made over a long period of time led you to where you are now. Stop dwelling in the past and look forward to your future.

I was thinking the same thing. I think the "sharing" is more related to wanting him to feel the pain she has felt, and not out of guilt for not having told him. I doubt he will care or grieve like you expect he will. His indifference may cause a different kind of pain.

I think you have developed an obsession for this guy. Your post is very detailed about him, his goals, etc. you seem to want to hold onto the pain out of desperation to have something connected to him, even if it damages him or you. I think it has little to do with the abortion itself. It could quickly spiral into a stalking situation. What is your parents relationship like? What was your relationship like with your father? I agree you need to find a new therapist who will push you to address your fixation with him and the past without encouraging your fantasy reunion.

OP there is something significantly wrong with you, psychologically. You have a family. This happened 20 years ago. You should have let it go by now and I say this as someone in almost exactly the same situation but I am not carting around and picking over my regrets. I do think about it but its not what makes my life now, its the people who are here, not those who have gone.

If you reach out to him with that news, the only thing it will accomplish is his affirmation that he dodged a bullet with moving forward with you.

I didn't read all the replies but it sounds like you may be a little mad/jealous that he has moved on and has a wife/family and is seemingly happy with achieving everything he wanted without you in his life. Are you hoping by contacting him that he comes back into your life weither as a friend or more? What does your spouse think/feel about all this? Does he even know that you are considering contacting an ex from 20 years ago?

"I never found anyone that I felt as strongly about as I did him"

If you initiate contact, welcome to a rabbit hole. You have no idea what he is like as a person today. I also suffer from depression and wonder about alternative paths my life might have taken (e.g. if I wound up with so and so, things would be so much better...)

Please stop torturing yourself. You're not a bad person, just an emotionally fragile one.

Telling him would be for you, not him. Leave him alone.

Anonymous wrote:OP you are thinking about this way too much. It was 20 years ago! Have you thought about what if he just doesn’t care much and just blows you off? Could be very hurtful.

I think that's one of the better outcomes that might happen to OP.

Can imagine a guy like this may completely gaslight her and call OP names so his current wife won't find out. That's why I wondered if a current therapist would want her to do this? The only outcome I can imagine is pretty toxic but would rid OP of any fantasies she has about this guy.

OP you are thinking about this way too much. It was 20 years ago! Have you thought about what if he just doesn’t care much and just blows you off? Could be very hurtful.