Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 18:20     Subject: Re:People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:I'm not married and have no kids. I suppose sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's lonely. I don't have many friends, and don't have any good friends, or a best friend.

There's nobody to carry the load. I come home from work and nobody's gotten anything done, nobody ever cooks dinner for me or brings me breakfast in bed. Any time I start thinking I'm getting sick I need to rush to get supplies before I'm too sick to go out for tissues and ice pops and medicine. I can never ask anyone to buy me tampons. When I wanted to throw out an armchair I had to hire people to carry it out of my apartment and out to the alley. I don't have some husband who can grab a guy friend to do these things.

It's hard to be the third wheel. When my parents come to town and want to go out to dinner with me, my sister and her husband? We're often sat at a four-top and I'm given a chair at the end of the table. I have to attend weddings by myself. Extended family parties? I'm sat at the very end of the adult table on the border of the kid table. I don't have anyone to go on vacations with. I've literally gotten talked to at work about taking more vacation days. I live in a shitty apartment that I hate and barely feel safe in (rent control) and don't enjoy a "staycation" and don't really have fun traveling alone. If there's a restaurant I want to try, I have to decide if I'm comfortable going by myself. I don't have an automatic go-to person.

People sometimes assume I'm a lesbian who's not out. I'm not. People try to ask if I am It's awkward.

There are little things. There's nobody to kill a scary bug. There's nobody to investigate a scary noise. Sometimes I won't go somewhere after work because of how late I'd get home. Nobody ever worries if I make it home at night. I've put off getting my wisdom teeth out because I'm stressed about taking Uber home alone. If I had a medical emergency at home, it'd be on me to call 911 and unlock my door so they could get in. There's nobody to tell me that my shirt has become so worn that it's see-through (I found out at work from a kind coworker). There's nobody to come to scary doctor appointments with me.

There are financial issues. I live in a tiny one-bedroom. If I were married I could have the same one-bedroom but a second income to ease the financial bur
den. If I want to buy anything, it's on me. If I want to go on vacation it's all on me. I can only count on my income. [

/I can relate to some of what you are saying, but I think you are wallowing TBH. No one to kill a bug?? Just do it yourself. You have to support yourself: that us called being an adult. Feeling like a 3rd wheel when you are out with your own family?? Your thought patterns are making this much worse than it has to be. Go to a meetup, take a hike, get a volunteer job. You seem to have convinced yourself that all your problems stem from your marital status. Shake that thinking (via therapy if need be). You have a lot of control over your own quality of life!




Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 15:48     Subject: Re:People that never marry - What’s their life like?
I recently read a NYTimes Vows story about two perpetually single people who married in their late 50s or early 60s. They were both career-focused fur mist of their lives. Based on their story it sounds like they found what suited the best at the right time. I’d take a relationship like theirs any day over poorly thought out early 20s marriage with kids that ends in disaster. Sometimes it really isn’t all simply about the ring and procreating. This older couple sounds like they could buy all the Tiffany diamonds they’d ever want without marriage.
Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 14:38     Subject: Re:People that never marry - What’s their life like?
I got pregnant in college, dropped out, reentered a few years later then got my law degree and now I’m 39 with a 19 year old daughter. I have a great life....now....and I have no need to get married. Over the years I’ve had a series of very nice relationships so my social and sexual needs have been well taken care of. Would I ever marry? Once I’m fully an empty nester I would consider it if I really fell in love with someone.
Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 14:31     Subject: People that never marry - What’s their life like?
I never married and was able to create the exact life I wanted.

Adopting a child.

Spending discretionary income on travel (not fancy cars or big houses.)

Going back to school in middle age, for a doctoral degree.

These plans could have been difficult or sidetracked by a non-cooperative partner. I am not saying I am better off without a partner, I am just saying, I have had a wonderful life as a single adult.

(This site, in particular, often makes me feel like I dodged a bullet!)

Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 14:27     Subject: People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:Depends on the person.

My sister never married nor had children. She is a hateful vindictive person and could never manage a healthy long-term relationship because of her personality. Thus, she never married and had kids.





Sounds like she never married because she is like that, not that she turned out that way because she never married.
Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 14:11     Subject: People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:Interesting...why are people who never married or have kids on the relationship forum. I'm assuming that you saw the post through the recent topics?


Because they're in relationships other than marriage?
Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 13:33     Subject: People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Interesting...why are people who never married or have kids on the relationship forum. I'm assuming that you saw the post through the recent topics?


To add to this - why are they on DC urban MOMS and DADS at all?


Because Jeff isn’t as close minded as you seem to think he is.
Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 13:25     Subject: People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:Interesting...why are people who never married or have kids on the relationship forum. I'm assuming that you saw the post through the recent topics?


To add to this - why are they on DC urban MOMS and DADS at all?
Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 13:23     Subject: People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Interesting...why are people who never married or have kids on the relationship forum. I'm assuming that you saw the post through the recent topics?
Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 11:54     Subject: People that never marry - What’s their life like?
This thread went in an unexpectedly kind direction. I was a little worried when the OP posted that it would be a bunch of married people trashing single people for being "broken" or having issues. I liked all the sharing from others in the unmarried camp. (48-year-old unmarried-w-kid here.)
Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 11:33     Subject: People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My cousins are identical twins in their mid 50s and they’ve never married. They own a house together. The house has three bedrooms and they share the master! One is in a LTR and one has never had anything long term. They are the kindest, most interesting people I know and just ooze happiness and grace. They travel a lot. They love to garden. They are women of faith and very involved in their church (United Church of Christ so no this is not a weird fundamentalist thing.) They are both introverted so not super big into socializing but they have a few very close friends and are friendly with their neighbors. They both have stable careers (one’s a fed, one’s an accountant for a local college) and are getting ready to retire in the next few years. They have lots of cousins, siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles they get together with frequently. They live simple but very rich and rewarding lives that sometimes I am jealous of!


They share a bedroom!? I’m sorry, but that’s freaking weird.


Why get married if you have a soulmate? This seems really sweet actually. If my daughters didn’t marry but ended up like this I’d feel at peace.


If my kids ended up like this, I'd wonder if they were in a romantic relationship and wonder where I went wrong...
Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 11:31     Subject: Re:People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm not married and have no kids. I suppose sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's lonely. I don't have many friends, and don't have any good friends, or a best friend.

There's nobody to carry the load. I come home from work and nobody's gotten anything done, nobody ever cooks dinner for me or brings me breakfast in bed. Any time I start thinking I'm getting sick I need to rush to get supplies before I'm too sick to go out for tissues and ice pops and medicine. I can never ask anyone to buy me tampons. When I wanted to throw out an armchair I had to hire people to carry it out of my apartment and out to the alley. I don't have some husband who can grab a guy friend to do these things.

It's hard to be the third wheel. When my parents come to town and want to go out to dinner with me, my sister and her husband? We're often sat at a four-top and I'm given a chair at the end of the table. I have to attend weddings by myself. Extended family parties? I'm sat at the very end of the adult table on the border of the kid table. I don't have anyone to go on vacations with. I've literally gotten talked to at work about taking more vacation days. I live in a shitty apartment that I hate and barely feel safe in (rent control) and don't enjoy a "staycation" and don't really have fun traveling alone. If there's a restaurant I want to try, I have to decide if I'm comfortable going by myself. I don't have an automatic go-to person.

People sometimes assume I'm a lesbian who's not out. I'm not. People try to ask if I am It's awkward.

There are little things. There's nobody to kill a scary bug. There's nobody to investigate a scary noise. Sometimes I won't go somewhere after work because of how late I'd get home. Nobody ever worries if I make it home at night. I've put off getting my wisdom teeth out because I'm stressed about taking Uber home alone. If I had a medical emergency at home, it'd be on me to call 911 and unlock my door so they could get in. There's nobody to tell me that my shirt has become so worn that it's see-through (I found out at work from a kind coworker). There's nobody to come to scary doctor appointments with me.

There are financial issues. I live in a tiny one-bedroom. If I were married I could have the same one-bedroom but a second income to ease the financial burden. If I want to buy anything, it's on me. If I want to go on vacation it's all on me. I can only count on my income.


Wow, this was really honest and so sad. Maybe when this blows over you should try Meet Up to hang out with folks who share the same interests as you or something. I'm sorry you feel so lonely.


OTOH, what first PP wrote pretty much describes my marriage -- no one to plan with, no one who helps me out, no one who cooks dinner, minds the kids or brings me breakfast in bed or does anything special. If I want to try a restaurant, I had to ask my DH , who likely wouldn't be into it but would go and be sort of a pill. It wasn't even much of a financial benefit, since DH earned significantly less than I did but wouldn't do any of the parenting thus hobbling my income/career potential. He didn't do any of the administrative work of paying bills, nor the strategizing of financial savings. So, he was basically someone to split bills with, which was pretty much the main benefit.

Marriage was just a situation where I had one more kid to take care of, one more ego to massage and one more person's work to do that they wouldn't do for themselves.

Needless to say, I am divorced.

I think we all dream about good relationships where the partner is really a partner that does their fair share of all kinds of work, is a good friend, but also someone with whom you have great sexual chemistry and with whom you agree or are able to peacefully and positively negotiate life goals/changes.

I sometimes think many people -- married or single -- hope for that kind of partner but never get it. So, IME, many people are either single and unhappy or married and unhappy.
Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 09:48     Subject: Re:People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yeah being married means that you have chosen intimacy over isolation.
most marriages have a lack of intimacy


Yeah, check out all the responses on the thread about the OP who shared with her husband that she occasionally wants to drop her gum wrapper on the ground. I cannot believe how many people told her she "overshared" with her husband over that. What intimacy is there in those marriages???
Was that a question for me? I think we’re saying the same thing
Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 09:18     Subject: Re:People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:Rich!


That must be nice. I'll have heirs, but not much to leave them...
Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 09:16     Subject: Re:People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yeah being married means that you have chosen intimacy over isolation.
most marriages have a lack of intimacy


Depends on the stage of the marriage. Most younger marriages have intimacy, few older ones do. It's not the marriage, it's the length of the relationship.

No one ever said marriage was a good institution for passion or sex.