Barring any extenuating factors (grandmother is awful or something else is going on in the family; boss was going to be at the work party and face time was important), I would be upset if my child blew off their grandparent's birthday simply to hang out with friends after work AND I would let my child know that I am disappointed in their decision and that I hope they make a different decision the next time. I would also let my child know that it would be nice if they could find some time in the near future to spend with their grandmother since they missed celebrating her birthday. It doesn't have to be confrontational or passive-aggressive. And it doesn't have to get drawn out. I wouldn't go on and on about it if my child disagreed with me or pushed back.

You don't stop being a parent simply because your child is 25. You can't control what they do but you can absolutely continue to guide them if you see them making decisions that are immature, selfish or harmful to themselves or others. It's a fine line between this and sticking your nose in their business when you shouldn't, but I think as a parent you have to err on the side of being a little annoying when it comes to things that are important to you. And I would hope that my relationship with my adult child is such that we can have conversations like this without it becoming an issue.

I don't get how people think attendance at a party is a reflection of values, devotion and character. It's not. If OP's DD treats her grandmother well all other times, missing one party is not a big deal. It's not like grandma was sitting home alone because granddaughter stood her up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bitterly regret not spending more time with my grandma in my 20s...

Me too. I treasure my memories of my grandparents and I'm glad my parents instilled in me a devotion to extended family.

Like how you are making this about your superior parenting and that attendance at an elderly relatives birthday party is a demonstration of 'devotion'.

I might have been disappointed she didn't come, but I remember being 25 and totally self absorbed. If you definitely wanted her to come you should have been direct and told her. If you left it vague and up to her decision, she decided not to come.

I guess it depends on her relationship with her grandma. Your feelings are valid but she’s an adult. You can tell her how you feel but you can’t control her actions... this is just the beginning of your daughter deciding how she wants to liven her life.

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I fell like birthday parties for adults are ridiculous. I will try to go to the 10 year milestone birthdays...but if this is a yearly event? Forget it.

Why have it on a Saturday night anyway? My grandfather had a 90th birthday a few years ago and they held it on a Sunday afternoon.

For a yearly event I agree with you, but I'd say 85 is a milestone.

Anonymous wrote:I bitterly regret not spending more time with my grandma in my 20s...

Me too. I treasure my memories of my grandparents and I'm glad my parents instilled in me a devotion to extended family.

You're being dramatic op.

OP, this topic clearly touched a nerve for a lot of people! I'm surprised by all the people telling you to back off and mind your own business. I would have been disappointed and upset if any of my adult children blew off this type of family event to go drinking with friends because it would go against the values I've tried to instill in them.

I would have been disappointed too OP. She's old enough to have prioritized her grandmother.

Her friends will all most likely be around a year from now, her grandmother may not.

I disagree & would be very upset. My mother died unexpectedly at 70. Her grandkids would kill to have a dinner with her. Each day is a gift & I think it’s right to be sad/upset your daughter has her priorities out of order.

OP, you shouldn't know what she was doing "instead". Her being busy was enough. That's all she should have said. AND what DD may/should say to Grandma and that she looks forward to seeing her on X date. And she should make sure she see her then. A party is not really very important. It's important to you. It's important because of how it looks, that her absence was noticed. I get that. But it's not what's really important. DD relationship with Grandma --- spending time with Grandma, ideally one-on-one, is so much more important.

You said she had a work function. It’s not like she was just laying around at home.

Anonymous wrote:I bitterly regret not spending more time with my grandma in my 20s...

I regret that I spent as much time with mine as I did. 25 was exactly the age when I realize that the entire family was hell-bent on enabling her racism and xenophobia, which she trotted out at every opportunity and even when there was no “opportunity.” She is still alive but I haven’t seen her since then and I am 45. I feel bad for my mom, who feels guilty about all of this because she was raised by narcissists, but not enough to subject myself to the abuse I got from G’ma. I would no sooner attend her 85th birthday party than I would attend the 85th birthday of anyone I don’t know.

OP, what is your daughter’s grandmother like?

Anonymous wrote:I bitterly regret not spending more time with my grandma in my 20s...

I'm sorry you're living with this regret. Have you thought about talking to someone about it?

My grandfather died when I was 22 and my grandmother when I was 25. I was overseas at the time and didn't see them, or any of my family during that time. I have no regrets.