Anonymous
02/28/2020 16:34
Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
He’s already married.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 16:33
Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
This is hard OP, I get it.
But this is your moment to be honest with yourself about what you want, what you will accept, what you are willing to put up with, and what - on the other hand - would actually fulfill your vision of a happy life.
Separate from thinking about him, you need to be clear on what you want out of life. You need to think not just about short term engagement/marriage - but long term. Life partner, parenthood, by your side with illness, burying parents, raising kids, struggling w/ big decisions about jobs/houses/relocations, whatever. All the big stuff - get it sorted in your head as much as possible.
Then tell him your dreams. Tell him your non-negotiables.
Then ask whether he can envision giving that to you. And like a PP said - REALLY LISTEN. Be prepared for his response to be underwhelming - certainly now, and potentially permanently. Be prepared to put yourself in the long run, ahead of yourself and potential pain in the short term.
Be strong.
Good luck. No matter what happens you will be ok.
But this is your moment to be honest with yourself about what you want, what you will accept, what you are willing to put up with, and what - on the other hand - would actually fulfill your vision of a happy life.
Separate from thinking about him, you need to be clear on what you want out of life. You need to think not just about short term engagement/marriage - but long term. Life partner, parenthood, by your side with illness, burying parents, raising kids, struggling w/ big decisions about jobs/houses/relocations, whatever. All the big stuff - get it sorted in your head as much as possible.
Then tell him your dreams. Tell him your non-negotiables.
Then ask whether he can envision giving that to you. And like a PP said - REALLY LISTEN. Be prepared for his response to be underwhelming - certainly now, and potentially permanently. Be prepared to put yourself in the long run, ahead of yourself and potential pain in the short term.
Be strong.
Good luck. No matter what happens you will be ok.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 16:31
Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:respond to text :yes, I'd like to discus this tonight.
then tonight, you have the talk. Look, you dont need to prepare anything or try to anticipate him. just speak your truth. You've been ready for some time now to make a commitment, he's not been ready. You need to ask him, "do you have any hesitations about getting married to me?". the only acceptable answer is no. But even then, honestly, I kind of think that is just a bad sign that you are, still, driving this conversation, doing all the work, his silence, his "we can talk about it if you want to" (eg, I dont want to!), none of this feels good to me and I have o idea who you are.
Dont let him give you a half answer again, just enough to keep you going.
Yes, its hard to cut someone off you've b een with for two years. It will be harder
in another two, when you're 34 and realizing he's never going to be the guy you need.
Honestly, I think you should break up or take a break. If he really is in love with you and is as excited to spend his life iwth you as you are with him, he will not let this happen. He will beg you, and get a ring and set a date. And honey, that's the kind of guy you should marry. Not someone who cannot, after 2 years, talk about commitment.
+1 two years is nothing in the scheme of things. two years is a blip.
also do not fall into the trap of sunk costs. sure, you spent two years - it doesn't mean you need to spend another 60 following it, because you spent the two. get out, if you can't get what you want here. you're not asking for too much. millions and millions of people get married. you can, too. and many of us have gotten married after having our hearts broken by some jack*** - or very nice person - who just wasn't into us enough, or didn't want what we wanted.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 16:29
Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.
He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."
If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
Why do you keep initiating the same exchange, only to get the same (non)-response? (That's a real question. Why do you keep doing this?)
OP: Is it a non-response? What should I do instead? Should I say, "No, I want to talk about it now. What are we doing?"
You’ve just ignored five pages of really good advice. You keep begging him to love you. He responds by loving you just enough to keep you around. You push, he sort of responds. Have a conversation with him- tell him where you’re coming from and see where he’s coming from. Don’t push your wants on him or you will both be very unhappy. You can’t force someone to love you. If you try you’re going to end up hurt. Just talk, see where he is but don’t keep pushing.
She's received all of this advice and talked to her boyfriend all in one day. Let's give her a break.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 16:29
Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.
He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."
Please report back OP.
Any advice for the chat tonight? I know he'll get flustered and annoyed, so I don't see it going well.
Maybe I should just say, "Do you want to actually marry me? If so, when are you planning to do that?"
I think you should be straightforward.
"I want to get married. I want to do it sooner, not later. I love you so much, and I am so glad for this time we've spent together. But if you do not want this, then we need to part ways. I can give you a week to think about this. Let's just go about things like normal for the week. This time next week, I need to know your plans."
Anonymous
02/28/2020 16:20
Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.
He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."
Please report back OP.
Any advice for the chat tonight? I know he'll get flustered and annoyed, so I don't see it going well.
Maybe I should just say, "Do you want to actually marry me? If so, when are you planning to do that?"
Here's how I would do it:
You: Here's what I want (list things you want). What do you want? (wait for his response)
It's not something you're going to figure out via text. Sit down face-to-face and talk it all out.
Let us know how it goes.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 15:53
Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Yes. You must LISTEN, really really listen, to understand rather than to reassure or rebut. Let him talk until he is 100% done. It is only by keeping your mouth shut that you will get the information you seek. He knows you love him and he knows you want to move forward. So stop saying it over and over and LISTEN.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 15:46
Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
This thread is bumming me out. OP, my advice for tonight is to tell him you want to hear his plans for your relationship in the next year, and then be quiet. Don't use this as a chance to nudge him along or remind him (he remembers) that you love him and want to be with him and want a ring. Ask him what he wants to do and what his timeline is.
Then, if whatever his answer is sounds good (and since anything short of a punch in the stomach seems to placate you, I'm sure it will), make a Google Calendar reminder for yourself for 3 months from now with all the promises listed. In three months, when you get a reminder of all the things he said he wanted from this relationship, and you can see that he's done something or nothing to work toward any of them, love yourself enough to make a move.
Then, if whatever his answer is sounds good (and since anything short of a punch in the stomach seems to placate you, I'm sure it will), make a Google Calendar reminder for yourself for 3 months from now with all the promises listed. In three months, when you get a reminder of all the things he said he wanted from this relationship, and you can see that he's done something or nothing to work toward any of them, love yourself enough to make a move.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 15:43
Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.
He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."
Please report back OP.
Any advice for the chat tonight? I know he'll get flustered and annoyed, so I don't see it going well.
Maybe I should just say, "Do you want to actually marry me? If so, when are you planning to do that?"
Here is your advice. There are no magic words that will transform his passive and avoidant personality. There are no magic words to make him actually want to marry you if he does not. Ask him how he sees the next few years unfolding. If you don't want the same things as what he says, break up. If he says the right things, remember that actions matter more and ask yourself if you want every step in life to be so difficult.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 15:41
Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:respond to text :yes, I'd like to discus this tonight.
then tonight, you have the talk. Look, you dont need to prepare anything or try to anticipate him. just speak your truth. You've been ready for some time now to make a commitment, he's not been ready. You need to ask him, "do you have any hesitations about getting married to me?". the only acceptable answer is no. But even then, honestly, I kind of think that is just a bad sign that you are, still, driving this conversation, doing all the work, his silence, his "we can talk about it if you want to" (eg, I dont want to!), none of this feels good to me and I have o idea who you are.
Dont let him give you a half answer again, just enough to keep you going.
Yes, its hard to cut someone off you've b een with for two years. It will be harder
in another two, when you're 34 and realizing he's never going to be the guy you need.
Honestly, I think you should break up or take a break. If he really is in love with you and is as excited to spend his life iwth you as you are with him, he will not let this happen. He will beg you, and get a ring and set a date. And honey, that's the kind of guy you should marry. Not someone who cannot, after 2 years, talk about commitment.
+1
Of course it is hard. That doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do, if your feelings and goals do not align with his.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 15:38
Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
respond to text :yes, I'd like to discus this tonight.
then tonight, you have the talk. Look, you dont need to prepare anything or try to anticipate him. just speak your truth. You've been ready for some time now to make a commitment, he's not been ready. You need to ask him, "do you have any hesitations about getting married to me?". the only acceptable answer is no. But even then, honestly, I kind of think that is just a bad sign that you are, still, driving this conversation, doing all the work, his silence, his "we can talk about it if you want to" (eg, I dont want to!), none of this feels good to me and I have o idea who you are.
Dont let him give you a half answer again, just enough to keep you going.
Yes, its hard to cut someone off you've b een with for two years. It will be harder
in another two, when you're 34 and realizing he's never going to be the guy you need.
Honestly, I think you should break up or take a break. If he really is in love with you and is as excited to spend his life iwth you as you are with him, he will not let this happen. He will beg you, and get a ring and set a date. And honey, that's the kind of guy you should marry. Not someone who cannot, after 2 years, talk about commitment.
then tonight, you have the talk. Look, you dont need to prepare anything or try to anticipate him. just speak your truth. You've been ready for some time now to make a commitment, he's not been ready. You need to ask him, "do you have any hesitations about getting married to me?". the only acceptable answer is no. But even then, honestly, I kind of think that is just a bad sign that you are, still, driving this conversation, doing all the work, his silence, his "we can talk about it if you want to" (eg, I dont want to!), none of this feels good to me and I have o idea who you are.
Dont let him give you a half answer again, just enough to keep you going.
Yes, its hard to cut someone off you've b een with for two years. It will be harder
in another two, when you're 34 and realizing he's never going to be the guy you need.
Honestly, I think you should break up or take a break. If he really is in love with you and is as excited to spend his life iwth you as you are with him, he will not let this happen. He will beg you, and get a ring and set a date. And honey, that's the kind of guy you should marry. Not someone who cannot, after 2 years, talk about commitment.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 15:30
Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.
He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."
If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
Why do you keep initiating the same exchange, only to get the same (non)-response? (That's a real question. Why do you keep doing this?)
OP: Is it a non-response? What should I do instead? Should I say, "No, I want to talk about it now. What are we doing?"
You’ve just ignored five pages of really good advice. You keep begging him to love you. He responds by loving you just enough to keep you around. You push, he sort of responds. Have a conversation with him- tell him where you’re coming from and see where he’s coming from. Don’t push your wants on him or you will both be very unhappy. You can’t force someone to love you. If you try you’re going to end up hurt. Just talk, see where he is but don’t keep pushing.
OP: I haven't ignored it. Honestly. I've read it all in earnest and been very grateful for it. Just keep in mind it's not as easy as one might think to just cold turkey stop loving him and stop seeking a life with him after I've loved him for 2 years.
You may love him, but it does not sound like he loves you at all. He's feeding you sweet nothings bc it makes his life easy and he likes having that kind of power. There is someone out there who will love you as you want to be loved and deserved to be loved. This dude ain't it.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 15:26
Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.
He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."
If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
Why do you keep initiating the same exchange, only to get the same (non)-response? (That's a real question. Why do you keep doing this?)
OP: Is it a non-response? What should I do instead? Should I say, "No, I want to talk about it now. What are we doing?"
You’ve just ignored five pages of really good advice. You keep begging him to love you. He responds by loving you just enough to keep you around. You push, he sort of responds. Have a conversation with him- tell him where you’re coming from and see where he’s coming from. Don’t push your wants on him or you will both be very unhappy. You can’t force someone to love you. If you try you’re going to end up hurt. Just talk, see where he is but don’t keep pushing.
OP: I haven't ignored it. Honestly. I've read it all in earnest and been very grateful for it. Just keep in mind it's not as easy as one might think to just cold turkey stop loving him and stop seeking a life with him after I've loved him for 2 years.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 15:22
Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.
He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."
If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
Why do you keep initiating the same exchange, only to get the same (non)-response? (That's a real question. Why do you keep doing this?)
OP: Is it a non-response? What should I do instead? Should I say, "No, I want to talk about it now. What are we doing?"
You’ve just ignored five pages of really good advice. You keep begging him to love you. He responds by loving you just enough to keep you around. You push, he sort of responds. Have a conversation with him- tell him where you’re coming from and see where he’s coming from. Don’t push your wants on him or you will both be very unhappy. You can’t force someone to love you. If you try you’re going to end up hurt. Just talk, see where he is but don’t keep pushing.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 15:22
Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.
He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."
Please report back OP.
Any advice for the chat tonight? I know he'll get flustered and annoyed, so I don't see it going well.
Maybe I should just say, "Do you want to actually marry me? If so, when are you planning to do that?"