Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found out he has $8.5K in credit card debt, $2K in a personal loan that he took out to pay that debt, and he withdrew from his 401K to pay the debt. He had told me that he was maxing out his 401K since 2019, but that was inaccurate. I also saw his checking/savings, which have only $20 in them. He has more saved in our mortgage and joint savings account than on his own. I appreciate that he was totally open and showed me his credit report online. We worked out a budget where he could put $1000 per month towards his debts to pay them off in about a year. I am just unsure of where to go from here.

I don’t think he was panicking about 10k in debt. He was probably panicking that the 10k in debt would set you on the trail to find the bigger secrets that he has out there. Don’t fall for the distraction or the false security of thinking that the 10k debt is “the problem.” Keep searching now!

Yes, if he took out $2k loan to pay off cc and then 401k money to pay off more, but didn’t, he could be gambling. My brother was and continually lied about it to everyone.

Anonymous wrote:Also, I am weary of commenters who say we should have discussed before we got married - yes I now agree with you, and I realize the mistake I made. I trusted but did not verify. Repeating that fact doesn't help me now... I swear I will tell my children to pull the credit report of anyone they plan to marry to avoid this situation. I appreciate the advice but the "you should have's" are really not helping in this situation and sound more like lecturing at this point. I appreciate it, but believe me, I realize my mistake. Advice for my situation now would be much appreciated...!

Don't have children

Look- everyone is being an alarmist. You are young and at the beginning of your marriage, so there is an easy solution. Combine finances completely so that you are in charge of them. He doesn’t know how to be financially responsible so he is embarrassed, but if he is okay with outsourcing to that’s great! My SIL and brother were similar and after almost 5 years of marriage they have everything combined and she is in charge and things are peachy. But don’t trust him to do it! The only thing he should have to do is put you in charge of everything because you know what you are doing. You each bring your own strengths to the marriage. Good luck!

Also- can he amend his tax filing?

Get your $20k out of that shared account NOW.

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound insufferable! I would hide stuff from you too.

My husband is extremely controlling about money and doesn’t spend at all. He prides himself on being frugal but in reality I cover the difference of what he “saves” because I make twice as much and I realize that grown ups can’t live like they are in high school any more.

I’m sure you’ve made him feel terrible about this and I doubt that you treating him like a child will stop any time soon.

While I don't quite agree with PP that OP sounds insufferable, I do agree with her last sentiment. Too many of the posters are treating him like a convicted criminal and a child rolled into one. I think what needs to happen is that you need to continue the frank discussions from this evening from the perspective of moving forward rather than rehashing what's happened. While you may feel betrayed, the problem is that if you treat him like a recalcitrant child or like a convicted felon, then you are likely to drive him further into hiding things he's embarassed about or doesn't want you to find out about. It's like pushing him into a downward spiral.

On the other hand, you can address this from the perspective of it now being good for the bad feelings and secrets being out in the open and that you, as a couple, can now address the problems, the embarrassing financial issues and work towards fixing them.

It's good that he's finally owning up to his financial mistakes. He's showed you his credit report, so you have an idea where you stand. You can work on paying off the debts and setting him up with a spending allowance. So, have his paycheck forwarded to a joint account and then have an allowance (you two agree on what is a fair and reasonable allowance per paycheck or month) that can be transferred to a private account. He is free to use the allowance any way he wants, no questions asked and no oversight by you. If he needs more money from the joint account, then you two have to discuss what the additional money is for and agree jointly on whether to make the money available for whatever he wants. Set the allowance high enough that he doesn't need to ask for cash to go out for a happy hour or lunch with coworkers.

Then talk about how to address matters moving forward. One good thing is that if you file your taxes as married filed separately, you can always amend your return to change it to married filing jointly. However, if you file married, filing jointly, you cannot amend your return to change it to married, filing separately. So, if he did file his taxes separately, you can still amend the tax return for this year and change that and get your tax deductions and savings. Plus, if you have this attitude, it will reinforce the mindset that he can talk to you about problems and know that you'll work with him to fix the problems rather than shaming him.

Anonymous wrote:I’m just frustrated and scared for what the future holds. I have not been much of a budgeter since I was assuming he’s had it under control. I don’t want to have to be checking credit card statements every month like an auditor. I just wish I could trust him. Im sorry I’m just really frustrated and upset. He told me he had $40k in savings and has like $20. It’s just a complete shock.

Well, now you know that he's comfortable lying to you, and then making up further lies in order to cover those lies, and only telling you when you find out something is fishy anyway.

I would divorce him, personally. You don't have much invested in the marriage, he obviously doesn't love you, and you don't love him either (since you actually don't even know who you actually married or what he's capable of).

Just untangle yourself and move on. And thank god this all happened before you had kids with the guy.

I’m just frustrated and scared for what the future holds. I have not been much of a budgeter since I was assuming he’s had it under control. I don’t want to have to be checking credit card statements every month like an auditor. I just wish I could trust him. Im sorry I’m just really frustrated and upset. He told me he had $40k in savings and has like $20. It’s just a complete shock.

Anonymous wrote:I found out he has $8.5K in credit card debt, $2K in a personal loan that he took out to pay that debt, and he withdrew from his 401K to pay the debt. He had told me that he was maxing out his 401K since 2019, but that was inaccurate. I also saw his checking/savings, which have only $20 in them. He has more saved in our mortgage and joint savings account than on his own. I appreciate that he was totally open and showed me his credit report online. We worked out a budget where he could put $1000 per month towards his debts to pay them off in about a year. I am just unsure of where to go from here.

I don’t think he was panicking about 10k in debt. He was probably panicking that the 10k in debt would set you on the trail to find the bigger secrets that he has out there. Don’t fall for the distraction or the false security of thinking that the 10k debt is “the problem.” Keep searching now!

Anonymous wrote:Also, I am weary of commenters who say we should have discussed before we got married - yes I now agree with you, and I realize the mistake I made. I trusted but did not verify. Repeating that fact doesn't help me now... I swear I will tell my children to pull the credit report of anyone they plan to marry to avoid this situation. I appreciate the advice but the "you should have's" are really not helping in this situation and sound more like lecturing at this point. I appreciate it, but believe me, I realize my mistake. Advice for my situation now would be much appreciated...!

That's pretty funny coming from you, OP.

Anonymous wrote:I found out he has $8.5K in credit card debt, $2K in a personal loan that he took out to pay that debt, and he withdrew from his 401K to pay the debt. He had told me that he was maxing out his 401K since 2019, but that was inaccurate. I also saw his checking/savings, which have only $20 in them. He has more saved in our mortgage and joint savings account than on his own. I appreciate that he was totally open and showed me his credit report online. We worked out a budget where he could put $1000 per month towards his debts to pay them off in about a year. I am just unsure of where to go from here.

You get divorced. I can't believe you think he's going to change. He's not going to change. And neither are you (you're very controlling).

Anonymous wrote:I found out he has $8.5K in credit card debt, $2K in a personal loan that he took out to pay that debt, and he withdrew from his 401K to pay the debt. He had told me that he was maxing out his 401K since 2019, but that was inaccurate. I also saw his checking/savings, which have only $20 in them. He has more saved in our mortgage and joint savings account than on his own. I appreciate that he was totally open and showed me his credit report online. We worked out a budget where he could put $1000 per month towards his debts to pay them off in about a year. I am just unsure of where to go from here.

What do you mean by "saved in our mortgage"? This is on the condo you own, right? He's not on the deed or the mortgage?

Where you go from here is to a financial advisor and a marriage counselor. You guys have to get on the same page, and not via you supervising him like you are his mom or his boss.

Given the history I would either request account login info or watch him log in to ensure you're getting accurate information. There was a thread on here a while ago from someone whose husband would give her fake credit card statements and credit reports.

Anonymous wrote:Also, I am weary of commenters who say we should have discussed before we got married - yes I now agree with you, and I realize the mistake I made. I trusted but did not verify. Repeating that fact doesn't help me now... I swear I will tell my children to pull the credit report of anyone they plan to marry to avoid this situation. I appreciate the advice but the "you should have's" are really not helping in this situation and sound more like lecturing at this point. I appreciate it, but believe me, I realize my mistake. Advice for my situation now would be much appreciated...!

Why are you wary of those commenters? You have gotten a lot of good advice. Take it.

Okay, so first - will he agree to file taxes jointly?

Also, I am weary of commenters who say we should have discussed before we got married - yes I now agree with you, and I realize the mistake I made. I trusted but did not verify. Repeating that fact doesn't help me now... I swear I will tell my children to pull the credit report of anyone they plan to marry to avoid this situation. I appreciate the advice but the "you should have's" are really not helping in this situation and sound more like lecturing at this point. I appreciate it, but believe me, I realize my mistake. Advice for my situation now would be much appreciated...!