Anonymous wrote:OP did say that DD (DS?) lives in "the convenient proximity" of MIL. To me that sounds like a hour away rather than two hours away.

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Anonymous wrote:This is odd, can’t you drop DS off and get a break yourself?

No. I don’t have time for that. I also have a sitter who I can easily pay to show up and my house. I don’t have to drive two hours for a day to myself. And this isn’t about free childcare (which I don’t need). I’m a struggling mom doing it alone and I don’t need my MIL piling on her needs and wants.

If you can’t do it - you can’t do it. Why all the vicious feelings about it? Invite her to your home and let it go.

She doesn’t need to like you or want to see you, OP. As long as she keeps things friendly, the relationship between she and your baby is what is important and beneficial for your baby.

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Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. Do you want to “exist” to her or not? I can’t figure out your end game here. Either it’s too much or it’s not, in which case this shouldn’t bother you so much...but you’re upset that she asks about you and would be upset if she didn’t ask about you. It’s not like if she wanted to be friends you’d go get pedicures and hang out at the mall, right?

I think OP doesn’t want to always have her guard up. She doesn’t want to have to feel like she has to be careful answering questions about her plans for next weekend because if she says that she and DS don’t have plans on Saturday, MIL will ask her to spend her day driving for hours to visit her. Maybe OP wants to be able to get a texted picture from her MIL without worrying about alterior motives and guilt trips - especially when she already has a lot on her plate.

DP. Okay, this sounds crazy to me and confirms what the other PP wrote. What you suggest, which is that MIL magically read DILs mind from far away and only contact DIL in the rare and exact circumstances that DIL feels appropriate in the moment, is really absurd.

You’re being intentionally obtuse. In the example OP gave she was having a nice text conversation with MIL —— And the MIL asks for OP to drive for hours to facilitate a visit. The point is, don’t dump on people when they’re going through a difficult time! It sounds like OP is happy to send pictures if DS and maintain contact with MIL, she just doesn’t want her to pile in an already long to-do list.

How is this hard?

Anonymous wrote:I'd be interested to know where OP and her MIL live. I am not sure if it really requires driving for hours and hours.

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Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. Do you want to “exist” to her or not? I can’t figure out your end game here. Either it’s too much or it’s not, in which case this shouldn’t bother you so much...but you’re upset that she asks about you and would be upset if she didn’t ask about you. It’s not like if she wanted to be friends you’d go get pedicures and hang out at the mall, right?

I think OP doesn’t want to always have her guard up. She doesn’t want to have to feel like she has to be careful answering questions about her plans for next weekend because if she says that she and DS don’t have plans on Saturday, MIL will ask her to spend her day driving for hours to visit her. Maybe OP wants to be able to get a texted picture from her MIL without worrying about alterior motives and guilt trips - especially when she already has a lot on her plate.

DP. Okay, this sounds crazy to me and confirms what the other PP wrote. What you suggest, which is that MIL magically read DILs mind from far away and only contact DIL in the rare and exact circumstances that DIL feels appropriate in the moment, is really absurd.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. Do you want to “exist” to her or not? I can’t figure out your end game here. Either it’s too much or it’s not, in which case this shouldn’t bother you so much...but you’re upset that she asks about you and would be upset if she didn’t ask about you. It’s not like if she wanted to be friends you’d go get pedicures and hang out at the mall, right?

I think OP doesn’t want to always have her guard up. She doesn’t want to have to feel like she has to be careful answering questions about her plans for next weekend because if she says that she and DS don’t have plans on Saturday, MIL will ask her to spend her day driving for hours to visit her. Maybe OP wants to be able to get a texted picture from her MIL without worrying about alterior motives and guilt trips - especially when she already has a lot on her plate.

Anonymous wrote:Well ..I can see why DH chose a job that takes him away from OP a lot.

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. Do you want to “exist” to her or not? I can’t figure out your end game here. Either it’s too much or it’s not, in which case this shouldn’t bother you so much...but you’re upset that she asks about you and would be upset if she didn’t ask about you. It’s not like if she wanted to be friends you’d go get pedicures and hang out at the mall, right?

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Anonymous wrote:When DH is traveling, I’d be annoyed if she asked me to drive 2 hours to drop off the kids. I work FT, deal with kid’s appointments/activities, and you want me to drop them off? No.

This is the issue. To everyone defending the MIL asking because she’s saying “when is it convenient?” there is no good time to add a 2 + hour drive to your list of things to do when you’re taking care if the kids alone. It’s like asking someone “When is a convenient time for you to come over and clean my house?”

Just because you ask politely doesn’t make it any less rude.

Yes, it absolutely makes it not rude. You are being idiotic if you admit she's being polite and still call it rude. And OP is free to say, just as politely, "Unfortunately, I can't really fit driving there into my schedule. We can (meet halfway? invite MIL over? Wait until DH gets back? Have DC stay there for the weekend?)

There are a TON of possibilities other than complaining about MIL who is DOING NOTHING WRONG BY LOVING HER GRANDCHILDREN!

Calm down. -np

You’re right. I don’t know why it’s so aggravating to me- I’m not even a grandparent. Maybe because I have sons and I fear one day being in that horrible MIL land where nothing you do is acceptable, even politely asking to see your grandkids. I don’t blame OP for not wanting to drive 2 hours, but I’m dumbfounded where even the polite ask is considered rude.