I am going to give mine a B+ -- my Dad worked so hard -- and still does -- to give my brother and I the world and escape his lower class upbringing. He coached sports, played with us and helped us with homework. He also has serious anger issues -- would fight with my mother all the time -- and sometimes with other parent coaches or those judging us for travel team selections -- so embarrassing. My brother recalls him getting into an argument with my mom on a family trip and threatening to take us all to the airport to fly home without him.

My mom was selfless, literally put us before anything else, but also crippled by extreme untreated anxiety to this day where we receive multiple emails a week about nutball issuss like how certain types of dinnerware can kill us etc. She pushed us academically, read a million books to us, helped us study, drove our friends around places and loved us fiercely. She is equally to blame for my parents marital issues, that made our home challenging at times. Cooked all our meals. Was crazy conservative about "appropriate" behavior, hated television, wouldn't let us see PG movies until we were like 14 or attend girl-boy parties and generally crippled our normal teenage social life to point we felt compelled to lie/hide everything from her. That being said, she worked a PT job to fund my summer abroad experience in high school, something she'd always wished she had done herself. She also pulled my hair and kicked me once, and regularly called me "Satana" when she was angry with me.

We were always well-fed, had health insurance, were encouraged and supported in academics and activities, never truly went without a thing and had our high-end college educations fully paid for, even when my Dad lost his job for a year during our schooling. They made sure we visited cousins and grandparents and went to the beach and Disneyland. Life is complicated, huh?

B. They spent a lot of time with us, mom was a Girl Scout troop leader, planned elaborate birthday parties for us, sewed clothes for us, drove us to all the sports practices and games. But - my dad left us to start a relationship with another woman when I was a teen (they pretended they got together after my parents were separated). Then after the divorce my mom started dating and married someone else. Both parents kind of emotionally abandoned us as teens. They were around but completely focused on their new relationships.

A+ for my parents. I grew up in an UMC family, my parents were loving, supportive, inspiring and disciplined and sometimes indulgent. Growing up I used to think that all families are like this but unfortunately there's a lot of sadness in this world. My dad is the kindest person I know and my mom is one of the smartest women I have ever met. I am very thankful and hope to do right by my kids. From those coming from sad childhoods, I hope you have found peace and happiness in your own family you created, god bless!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sad thread. Is there no grace? Most people do the best with the circumstances they are given.

C means average. No grade inflation on this thread.

I give my Dad, even though he was an alcoholic, a C. He was kind and loving, but he did not provide the emotional support or guidance that I wish I had had.
I give my mom a C+ because even though her heart was in the right place, she was wrapped up in her own needs and could not provide the guidance I needed.

B means average, actually. A is when you excel, C is when you are subpar, and D is when you are in danger of failing.

No. C is average.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sad thread. Is there no grace? Most people do the best with the circumstances they are given.

C means average. No grade inflation on this thread.

I give my Dad, even though he was an alcoholic, a C. He was kind and loving, but he did not provide the emotional support or guidance that I wish I had had.
I give my mom a C+ because even though her heart was in the right place, she was wrapped up in her own needs and could not provide the guidance I needed.

B means average, actually. A is when you excel, C is when you are subpar, and D is when you are in danger of failing.

So, in parenting terms would light neglect be a C or D? An F? I’m talking about situations where there’s no serious abuse but parents often forget or just don’t provide basics like new socks/underwear, forget to buy groceries, kids left alone to fend for themselves longer than is appropriate. Occasional yelling and crossing boundaries but no beatings and no sexual abuse.

Does any type of abuse get you an F or is it a gray area? What if your dad beat the crap out of you when you forgot to mow the lawn, but he also taught you to drive and was really patient when you stalled the stick shift a dozen times in a row?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sad thread. Is there no grace? Most people do the best with the circumstances they are given.

C means average. No grade inflation on this thread.

I give my Dad, even though he was an alcoholic, a C. He was kind and loving, but he did not provide the emotional support or guidance that I wish I had had.
I give my mom a C+ because even though her heart was in the right place, she was wrapped up in her own needs and could not provide the guidance I needed.

B means average, actually. A is when you excel, C is when you are subpar, and D is when you are in danger of failing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sad thread. Is there no grace? Most people do the best with the circumstances they are given.

Too some degree I would agree with this. I usually had a family member at my performances, clean clothes, food, roof over my head, and toys. I grew up in a multi-generational family with a single parent, great grandmother, and a first cousin. The adults believed that kids should be seen and not heard and that rules are to be followed without question and I received plenty of spankings for just about everything I did wrong, including when I repeatedly wet the bed at age 5. Never once did my mom stop to think that something could be wrong until I had repeated UTIs. I eventually got the surgery to fix a bladder issue. These things make it hard to give grace. I lived a very lonely existence, where no one in my family bothered to get to know me. This life did teach me to be independent and capable as a teenager.

PP who also stated that I had a lonely childhood. I give grace to certain things, like having food and shelter growing up. But no grace given for my mother not seeing my brother and I were being abused in the same home. It's one thing to miss what might happen at school, but for my mom to actually believe me when I said I hit my hand on the wall, that's why it was so bruised ( I was forced to play knuckles with bigger, stronger brothers until my hands swelled), to not see incident after incident for years..... Her grace is that I still call her occasionally.

+1 Basic safety is my number one priority as a parent and it should have been the same for my parents, but it wasn't. It made me feel like it didn't matter if I was there or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sad thread. Is there no grace? Most people do the best with the circumstances they are given.

Too some degree I would agree with this. I usually had a family member at my performances, clean clothes, food, roof over my head, and toys. I grew up in a multi-generational family with a single parent, great grandmother, and a first cousin. The adults believed that kids should be seen and not heard and that rules are to be followed without question and I received plenty of spankings for just about everything I did wrong, including when I repeatedly wet the bed at age 5. Never once did my mom stop to think that something could be wrong until I had repeated UTIs. I eventually got the surgery to fix a bladder issue. These things make it hard to give grace. I lived a very lonely existence, where no one in my family bothered to get to know me. This life did teach me to be independent and capable as a teenager.

PP who also stated that I had a lonely childhood. I give grace to certain things, like having food and shelter growing up. But no grace given for my mother not seeing my brother and I were being abused in the same home. It's one thing to miss what might happen at school, but for my mom to actually believe me when I said I hit my hand on the wall, that's why it was so bruised ( I was forced to play knuckles with bigger, stronger brothers until my hands swelled), to not see incident after incident for years..... Her grace is that I still call her occasionally.

Anonymous wrote:Sad thread. Is there no grace? Most people do the best with the circumstances they are given.

Too some degree I would agree with this. I usually had a family member at my performances, clean clothes, food, roof over my head, and toys. I grew up in a multi-generational family with a single parent, great grandmother, and a first cousin. The adults believed that kids should be seen and not heard and that rules are to be followed without question and I received plenty of spankings for just about everything I did wrong, including when I repeatedly wet the bed at age 5. Never once did my mom stop to think that something could be wrong until I had repeated UTIs. I eventually got the surgery to fix a bladder issue. These things make it hard to give grace. I lived a very lonely existence, where no one in my family bothered to get to know me. This life did teach me to be independent and capable as a teenager.

A-
Would say i had a very happy childhood. Mom yelled a fair amount; we were spanked occassionally when young but neither of these to the point that it seemed wildly unusual.

Dad sometimes worked a lot as he was on call in IT for a few years earlier in his career, but mostly they were kind of middle of the road employees while we were living at home still.

Did family vacations that created great memories; had lots of traditions of celebrating holidays together with our larger family. Helped us with homework if we needed it but left us to do our own thing otherwise. Volunteered a little bit in extracurricular support roles but not much (it was nowhere near as common back then at least where I grew up aside from like the coach of a team).

I don't think they were extremely abnormally great - just good in a pretty normal way.

I do think way too many posters here seem to hold onto non-abusive failings by their parents for too long a time.

I probably would have given them a B before I had kids, but now I give them an A+. They raised 4 kids in a loving and stable home as best they could.

Mom, B, Dad C- mostly because my mom was the one that pushed for me to get an education (she dropped out of HS) even though she and my dad could not help me, she knew it would get me out of the cycle of the type of labor intensive work that her and my dad did day in and day out.

My dad was and still is a functioning alcoholic who used to leave me and my sister in the car while he went in the bar for a drink. He never made us wear a seat belt, and my mom says he never changed a diaper. He would crack open a beer when he drove us to and from sporting events and school for things like band practice. There was always a cold beer in the cup holder and a back seat full of empty cans... I thought all of this was normal behavior as a kid. He wasn't abusive but never ever handled his emotions or coped with his stress, he just drank his worries away. He's also very racist and my mom was just an enabler to this drinking. Both parents had gambling issues at various times and were not very fiscally responsible. They are both smokers too and I point that out only because there was a lot of "do as I say not as I do" growing up. My dad does have good qualities, I think he's loyal, maybe even to a fault, and he works hard, but it's hard to make up for the other bad examples my parents set, in general. My mom is a great grandmother, so I give her an A in that category. My parents divorced years ago and my mom is much happier now, meanwhile my dad has spiraled farther and it makes me realize that although an enabler, it was also my mom that kept our family together for so long.

To their defense though my grand parents were worse with money and went bankrupt when I was a kid, losing everything including the land our house was on. In some ways I understand why my dad drank. Maybe it was the best they could do.

I give my parents a D. I’m probably at a B- or C+ but I’m putting in A effort. Just not doing very well at it, if I’m being honest.

Dad: B. He was the breadwinner and a good provider to our family, but had anger management problems (no abuse) that cropped up from time to time and made his relationship with my mom and me and my siblings challenging. We had to tiptoe around him at times and that was no fun. But I know he loved us and did the best he could given mental health issues he had. I miss him and wish he were still here.

Mom: A/A+. Loving, supportive, caring, invested in us. I remember coming home late at night in high school while putting together the school paper, and she'd be sleeping there on the couch, waiting for me. I still lean on her heavily in my 40s and I shudder to think about my life when she is gone. One of the greatest joys of my life is seeing my son interact with her. I dread her getting older and her health declining, but I will care for her however I can as long as she's alive. If I can be half the mom she was, I will be grateful and consider it a job well done.

I should add that both of them were immigrants who were not native English speakers, so I can only imagine their struggles moving here in their 20s and dealing with racism, etc. I am beyond lucky to have had them as parents.

Anonymous wrote:Sad thread. Is there no grace? Most people do the best with the circumstances they are given.

C means average. No grade inflation on this thread.

I give my Dad, even though he was an alcoholic, a C. He was kind and loving, but he did not provide the emotional support or guidance that I wish I had had.
I give my mom a C+ because even though her heart was in the right place, she was wrapped up in her own needs and could not provide the guidance I needed.