Anonymous
12/11/2019 16:34
Subject: Re:My ILs insist on attending every single school event/extracurricular event
I have the exact opposite experience, problem or good fortune depending on the reader's perspective.
Ex-DH has four older siblings. The two oldest (who had five kids combined)took advantage of stay-at-home grandmother + work-from-home grandfather in his later years before retirement for free babysitting. I say took advantage because while they would never have complained, I don't know how much they actually loved it because when the last three of their children had kids, they wanted nothing to do with watching them on any regular basis (or even non-regular basis).
They then moved about 3hrs away from all of us about 8 years ago now? They don't ever, ever, ever drive out here for anything for DS. Grandparents Day, performances, sports events, nothing. I'm curious to see if they'll actually drive out for his 6th grade graduation at the end of this school year. They do come out for the approximate once a month family get together/birthday/holiday (whatever falls into that month, all of those months' birthdays etc. for example) but I think it sucks that DS basically sees his grandparents maybe once a month (some of those get togethers may land on my week/weekend and I wouldn't know when the IL family monthly get togethers are happening anymore).
Yes, they're old. Yes, it's a long drive to and fro. MIL has bad knees. I dont expect to see them at every thing or even every-other-thing. One thing in years would be nice though.
That said, the OP situation is just as bad on the opposite side of things. I dont think I'd love house guests multiple times a month for multiple days each visit, that's not a houseguest that's someone who's practically moved in to your house.
I don't know the details on how much they help around the house, with chores, with groceries, with the kids (and if they do all of those things and more, maybe I'd be slightly less annoyed because they're actually pitching in to be part of your "it takes a village") but still - your immediate family needs family time, too. Days where you can run around to 1,000 sports events or days where you all can actually just loaf around the house together and play board games or something and be a family. That doesn't make you a bad person to want that either OP.
Ex-DH has four older siblings. The two oldest (who had five kids combined)took advantage of stay-at-home grandmother + work-from-home grandfather in his later years before retirement for free babysitting. I say took advantage because while they would never have complained, I don't know how much they actually loved it because when the last three of their children had kids, they wanted nothing to do with watching them on any regular basis (or even non-regular basis).
They then moved about 3hrs away from all of us about 8 years ago now? They don't ever, ever, ever drive out here for anything for DS. Grandparents Day, performances, sports events, nothing. I'm curious to see if they'll actually drive out for his 6th grade graduation at the end of this school year. They do come out for the approximate once a month family get together/birthday/holiday (whatever falls into that month, all of those months' birthdays etc. for example) but I think it sucks that DS basically sees his grandparents maybe once a month (some of those get togethers may land on my week/weekend and I wouldn't know when the IL family monthly get togethers are happening anymore).
Yes, they're old. Yes, it's a long drive to and fro. MIL has bad knees. I dont expect to see them at every thing or even every-other-thing. One thing in years would be nice though.
That said, the OP situation is just as bad on the opposite side of things. I dont think I'd love house guests multiple times a month for multiple days each visit, that's not a houseguest that's someone who's practically moved in to your house.
I don't know the details on how much they help around the house, with chores, with groceries, with the kids (and if they do all of those things and more, maybe I'd be slightly less annoyed because they're actually pitching in to be part of your "it takes a village") but still - your immediate family needs family time, too. Days where you can run around to 1,000 sports events or days where you all can actually just loaf around the house together and play board games or something and be a family. That doesn't make you a bad person to want that either OP.
Anonymous
12/07/2019 00:27
Subject: Re:My ILs insist on attending every single school event/extracurricular event
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My grandparents lived next door and it was the most wonderful thing for me growing up. And I loved big birthday gatherings and family get togethers. I get what you are saying OP, but please consider what your kids may want.
In that case your grandparents had their own house. Op’s issue is that she basically has houseguests every couple of weeks for a few days at a time. That would drive most people nuts!!
I get that, but I think it's time to drop the formalities and treat them as family and not houseguests. If they are visiting every 2-3 weeks then they need to fend for themselves and be put to work. This might also open up a line of communication and allow OP to be more direct with them. Seems like they are retired, maybe they can move a little closer.
OP has a say (even veto power!) in whether she effectively lives with her in-laws. Their wishes don’t trump hers.
Of course she does. All I am saying is that while this is a problem for her, rightfully so, this kind of close relationship may be very beneficial to her kids and husband. I am not sure she fully appreciates the latter, but I could be wrong.
This is mean. OP is human and needs a break. It’s hard enough doing the evening rush after work to get dinner and kids ready for bed without constantly hosting houseguests. That’s nuts! The suggestions that OP actually leave her home to get a break are obnoxious too. Her ILs don’t get to take over her life and kick her out of her own house.
Lots of posters keep focusing on how important the grandparent relay is, well, you know what else is really important? The parent child relationship. If the parents are constantly stressed and hosting grandparents, the parental relationship never grows and develops. It was in quiet moments that my children came to me with problems or for heart to hearts. If you’re always prioritizing grandparent fun, you’re sacrificing those opportunities with your children and that’s sad.
There has to be a balance. Once a month overnight visits is plenty.
Anonymous
12/07/2019 00:15
Subject: Re:My ILs insist on attending every single school event/extracurricular event
Anonymous wrote:You seem to have attracted a lot of thread bullies, OP. I'm not sure why, as your post was completely reasonable. In your shoes, I might be inclined to handle this by taking more solo or friend trips. Leave the kids, DH, and the inlaws to their devices for a day or weekend here or there while you get some time to recover from the demands of constantly entertaining them. If your DH won't help establish boundaries, I'm not sure what else you can do if you care about keeping the family harmony.
I'll add that a lot of posters here seem to think frequent visits from the grandparents will automatically lead to closer relationships with the grandkids. That is not necessarily the case. It is all about the quality of the interactions, which can happen via calls, texts, or emails as well as in-person. I have 2 kids in college now and have seen how this plays out. They are close to the grandparents who truly care about them and put their interests first.
I don’t think this helps. You’re basically suggesting that OP gets kicked out of her own house so her ILs can take over. In her post she’s saying that she and her kids NEED downtime. This is the opposite.
Anonymous
12/06/2019 23:39
Subject: Re:My ILs insist on attending every single school event/extracurricular event
Anonymous wrote:
Good relationships are built on quality time not a huge quantity of time to satisfy someone else's void.
Why don’t you move across the country from your DH, spend some quality time twice a year and tell us how your relationship is doing.
Anonymous
12/06/2019 21:09
Subject: Re:My ILs insist on attending every single school event/extracurricular event
Anonymous wrote:Get rid of your guest bedroom. Turn it into a gym or something. Maybe a media room? Do your in laws have any pet allergies? If so, bring a pet home for Christmas.
There’s a reason I don’t move from this tiny dump I live in. My in laws would stay with us forever if there was room. Luckily, staying in a hotel is expensive, so it limits how often and for how long they can come.
That is just mean. She likes her in-laws! And she doesn't want them to never visit. The reading comprehension in this thread is making me pull my hair out.
Anonymous
12/06/2019 21:03
Subject: Re:My ILs insist on attending every single school event/extracurricular event
Get rid of your guest bedroom. Turn it into a gym or something. Maybe a media room? Do your in laws have any pet allergies? If so, bring a pet home for Christmas.
There’s a reason I don’t move from this tiny dump I live in. My in laws would stay with us forever if there was room. Luckily, staying in a hotel is expensive, so it limits how often and for how long they can come.
There’s a reason I don’t move from this tiny dump I live in. My in laws would stay with us forever if there was room. Luckily, staying in a hotel is expensive, so it limits how often and for how long they can come.
Anonymous
12/06/2019 19:07
Subject: Re:My ILs insist on attending every single school event/extracurricular event
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You’re welcome! I hate seeing people get dumped on for no reason. There seem to be a lot of people on this forum who don’t seem to understand that you can love people deeply while at times also finding them deeply annoying.
I think there are a few people on this forum who are the annoying ones that always want to be included. There is the aunt who wants to do whatever she can with her niece and resents her sibling for not including her more. There is the love pipeline and kids can never have enough love poster. Those sayings are huge red flags that they are driven by their own neediness and it has zip to giving love.
Good relationships are built on quality time not a huge quantity of time to satisfy someone else's void.
Actually you and OP are the people the rest of us pity. You're so insecure that you don't understand and therefore don't tolerate that others have different perspectives. The rest of us shrug and feel sorry for your kids. Your loss.
dp: I’m totally with OP and PPP. No need to pity us.
Anonymous
12/06/2019 18:19
Subject: Re:My ILs insist on attending every single school event/extracurricular event
Actually you and OP are the people the rest of us pity. You're so insecure that you don't understand and therefore don't tolerate that others have different perspectives. The rest of us shrug and feel sorry for your kids. Your loss.Anonymous wrote:You’re welcome! I hate seeing people get dumped on for no reason. There seem to be a lot of people on this forum who don’t seem to understand that you can love people deeply while at times also finding them deeply annoying.
I think there are a few people on this forum who are the annoying ones that always want to be included. There is the aunt who wants to do whatever she can with her niece and resents her sibling for not including her more. There is the love pipeline and kids can never have enough love poster. Those sayings are huge red flags that they are driven by their own neediness and it has zip to giving love.
Good relationships are built on quality time not a huge quantity of time to satisfy someone else's void.
Anonymous
12/06/2019 15:45
Subject: Re:My ILs insist on attending every single school event/extracurricular event
You’re welcome! I hate seeing people get dumped on for no reason. There seem to be a lot of people on this forum who don’t seem to understand that you can love people deeply while at times also finding them deeply annoying.
I think there are a few people on this forum who are the annoying ones that always want to be included. There is the aunt who wants to do whatever she can with her niece and resents her sibling for not including her more. There is the love pipeline and kids can never have enough love poster. Those sayings are huge red flags that they are driven by their own neediness and it has zip to giving love.
Good relationships are built on quality time not a huge quantity of time to satisfy someone else's void.
Anonymous
12/06/2019 12:59
Subject: My ILs insist on attending every single school event/extracurricular event
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here - I don't know why all of the sudden people decided to start attacking me and calling me a terrible mother, but I think I've had enough of this thread.
I'm very confident both in my children's relationships with both sets of grandparents and in my family's need for boundaries. Thanks to those of you who provided helpful advice.
Probably because the OP of another thread called you and some others out over here: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/843373.page
It’s a very uncool thing to do, especially since you have a legitimately annoying situation going on, now matter how much you may love your in-laws. Many of us completely get it!
OP here - thanks for letting me know about this. Good to know I have some supporters on this thread. I don't think I've been mean about my in-laws at all. I just don't want them around all the time. I genuinely like them, I'm so happy that they have a great relationship with us and our children, and I don't mind them visiting even once a month, but it's a lot to have to entertain people more than once in a month and especially mid-week when I'm also working. And unlike an above poster, I'm not going to go sit in my room while my guests are downstairs, that's not my personality.
You’re welcome! I hate seeing people get dumped on for no reason. There seem to be a lot of people on this forum who don’t seem to understand that you can love people deeply while at times also finding them deeply annoying.
Anonymous
12/06/2019 12:25
Subject: My ILs insist on attending every single school event/extracurricular event
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here - I don't know why all of the sudden people decided to start attacking me and calling me a terrible mother, but I think I've had enough of this thread.
I'm very confident both in my children's relationships with both sets of grandparents and in my family's need for boundaries. Thanks to those of you who provided helpful advice.
Probably because the OP of another thread called you and some others out over here: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/843373.page
It’s a very uncool thing to do, especially since you have a legitimately annoying situation going on, now matter how much you may love your in-laws. Many of us completely get it!
OP here - thanks for letting me know about this. Good to know I have some supporters on this thread. I don't think I've been mean about my in-laws at all. I just don't want them around all the time. I genuinely like them, I'm so happy that they have a great relationship with us and our children, and I don't mind them visiting even once a month, but it's a lot to have to entertain people more than once in a month and especially mid-week when I'm also working. And unlike an above poster, I'm not going to go sit in my room while my guests are downstairs, that's not my personality.