Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t go home for Xmas and only talk to my brother once a year because he is an a-hole. My mother is an alcoholic and I don’t want to be around her either. OP, stop being an a-hole and leave your sister alone!

I'm not an alcoholic, nor is anyone in my family. I haven't I done anything other than thought my sister was coming because she said she was. Please don't project your family's issues onto mine.

I've never once pressured her to spend any time with the family. If anything, I've been too passive and not asked her why she doesn't want to spend time with us. You all seem to think I'm pressuring her, but I don't think I've done that at all.

My dad didn't "command" anyone to do anything. He asked if we could be together for the holidays.

Anonymous wrote:OP, for whatever reason, your sister doesn't want to spend the holidays with her family of origin. My father was undeniably abusive to me as a child, my sister never experienced it, and would have the same reaction as you. I too go out of town for each holiday so I have a reason not to be with my FOO.

Obviously, I'm projecting...but it really sounds like your sister doesn't want to be there. It's none of your business. Do some soul searching. Is there a reason she could have for not wanting to be there? If so, your father's recent surgery does not provide him sainthood and command her forgiveness and presence.

I've never asked her. I think people have gotten this impression that I've pressured her to come visit. I call her up about once a week and listen to her talk about her stuff for about an hour. Rinse and repeat the next week. I can't remember the last time she's ever asked about my life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP - OP, this isn't about the holidays. That's a symptom of the underlying issue. Your sister doesn't want to have a relationship with you or your parents -- or if she does, she wants one that exists only at a distance. I have no idea why that is. Maybe its on her end, maybe it's on yours, maybe it's your parents. Most likely, it's some combination, but she's drawing some pretty hard boundaries. And she's telling you that she needs to keep those boundaries, even this year.

Whether you want to do the work -- and it will be work -- to figure out why she feels like she needs these boundaries is up to you. Be prepared that, if you do and she's willing, the best case scenario will require some hard conversations, hurt feelings and a willingness to take an unflinching look at your own behavior and memories. But from what you've been posting, her decision not to be with you guys for the holidays this year is completely consistent.

Question, though: have you ever asked her why she stays away? And I mean asked and then just listened to the answer without trying to argue or justify?

+1,000

I've never asked her. I think people have gotten this impression that I've pressured her to come visit. I call her up about once a week and listen to her talk about her stuff for about an hour. Rinse and repeat the next week. I can't remember the last time she's ever asked about my life.

Well if you don’t enjoy talking to her, stop calling. If you’re calling her once/wk no wonder she never calls- she doesn’t get the chance to. Maybe she would, maybe she wouldn’t.

You just aren’t close at this time. Some sisters are, some aren’t. Either accept it or try to work on it. But it takes two and if she isn’t interested, she isn’t interested. Also sometimes there are phases in life and the “closeness” comes and goes. It just depends.

I understand that is hard to accept but it is just the way it is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP - OP, this isn't about the holidays. That's a symptom of the underlying issue. Your sister doesn't want to have a relationship with you or your parents -- or if she does, she wants one that exists only at a distance. I have no idea why that is. Maybe its on her end, maybe it's on yours, maybe it's your parents. Most likely, it's some combination, but she's drawing some pretty hard boundaries. And she's telling you that she needs to keep those boundaries, even this year.

Whether you want to do the work -- and it will be work -- to figure out why she feels like she needs these boundaries is up to you. Be prepared that, if you do and she's willing, the best case scenario will require some hard conversations, hurt feelings and a willingness to take an unflinching look at your own behavior and memories. But from what you've been posting, her decision not to be with you guys for the holidays this year is completely consistent.

Question, though: have you ever asked her why she stays away? And I mean asked and then just listened to the answer without trying to argue or justify?

+1,000

I've never asked her. I think people have gotten this impression that I've pressured her to come visit. I call her up about once a week and listen to her talk about her stuff for about an hour. Rinse and repeat the next week. I can't remember the last time she's ever asked about my life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP - OP, this isn't about the holidays. That's a symptom of the underlying issue. Your sister doesn't want to have a relationship with you or your parents -- or if she does, she wants one that exists only at a distance. I have no idea why that is. Maybe its on her end, maybe it's on yours, maybe it's your parents. Most likely, it's some combination, but she's drawing some pretty hard boundaries. And she's telling you that she needs to keep those boundaries, even this year.

Whether you want to do the work -- and it will be work -- to figure out why she feels like she needs these boundaries is up to you. Be prepared that, if you do and she's willing, the best case scenario will require some hard conversations, hurt feelings and a willingness to take an unflinching look at your own behavior and memories. But from what you've been posting, her decision not to be with you guys for the holidays this year is completely consistent.

Question, though: have you ever asked her why she stays away? And I mean asked and then just listened to the answer without trying to argue or justify?

+1,000

Anonymous wrote:I don’t go home for Xmas and only talk to my brother once a year because he is an a-hole. My mother is an alcoholic and I don’t want to be around her either. OP, stop being an a-hole and leave your sister alone!

Anonymous wrote:NP - OP, this isn't about the holidays. That's a symptom of the underlying issue. Your sister doesn't want to have a relationship with you or your parents -- or if she does, she wants one that exists only at a distance. I have no idea why that is. Maybe its on her end, maybe it's on yours, maybe it's your parents. Most likely, it's some combination, but she's drawing some pretty hard boundaries. And she's telling you that she needs to keep those boundaries, even this year.

Whether you want to do the work -- and it will be work -- to figure out why she feels like she needs these boundaries is up to you. Be prepared that, if you do and she's willing, the best case scenario will require some hard conversations, hurt feelings and a willingness to take an unflinching look at your own behavior and memories. But from what you've been posting, her decision not to be with you guys for the holidays this year is completely consistent.

Question, though: have you ever asked her why she stays away? And I mean asked and then just listened to the answer without trying to argue or justify?