Anonymous wrote:Op the only thing that raises a flag to me is the solo drink they went and got. A lot of us have a “work spouse” we are fond of and get along well with. My spouse and I included. That being said, I would never go to get a drink solo with my work spouse. That’s crossing a line IMO. Would I want to... sure, theoretically, they’re fun and I enjoy talking with them. Would I recognize that’s a gray area and we are no longer operating as genial colleagues but now doing drinks 1:1 and refuse... yeah.

You may want to bring it up and be like hey, I get it, it’s otherwise no biggie, but the drinks alone thing is not cool and please rethink that boundary.

Disagree.

I'm telling you, OP, the fact that you feel something is off is very telling. You looked because you had a bad feeling. Trust that.

He already lied to you about the drink, correct? Too late to ask about re-inforcing a boundary. You've already caught him in a lie.

Op the only thing that raises a flag to me is the solo drink they went and got. A lot of us have a “work spouse” we are fond of and get along well with. My spouse and I included. That being said, I would never go to get a drink solo with my work spouse. That’s crossing a line IMO. Would I want to... sure, theoretically, they’re fun and I enjoy talking with them. Would I recognize that’s a gray area and we are no longer operating as genial colleagues but now doing drinks 1:1 and refuse... yeah.

You may want to bring it up and be like hey, I get it, it’s otherwise no biggie, but the drinks alone thing is not cool and please rethink that boundary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how affairs start. Demand he end it now and get to therapy.

OP here- some say this and some say lay low or he’ll get even more secretive. Can’t decide what to do.

Those of us who have BTDT pretty unanimously advise lay low and gather information. Here's the thing: those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Your DH is hiding this from you. Big red flag. You feel he is being distant. Big red flag. Your gut is telling you something, and you need to listen to your gut.

A PI isn't a bad idea, if you can afford it.

I agree with you but the we who BTDT, can we agree that waiting until cheating occurs is MUCH worse than stopping it before an affair actually starts to happen? Forgiveness, if there is really such a thing for affairs, is easier to do when you have not been hurt so deeply. So that’s what I think OP is struggling with. And rightfully so. But I truly think it depends on your relationship now and how well you communicate. If it’s down in the dumps, it may be tough to have an honest conversation and he may take his ‘work wife’ relationship more underground if there’s really something to hide. If communication is where it should be in your marriage, hopefully your concerns will be heard and understood and he stops hiding his relationship with this woman from you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how affairs start. Demand he end it now and get to therapy.

OP here- some say this and some say lay low or he’ll get even more secretive. Can’t decide what to do.

Those of us who have BTDT pretty unanimously advise lay low and gather information. Here's the thing: those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Your DH is hiding this from you. Big red flag. You feel he is being distant. Big red flag. Your gut is telling you something, and you need to listen to your gut.

A PI isn't a bad idea, if you can afford it.

Discuss this with your husband now before this other relationship has time to develop into something more serious and potentially detrimental to your marriage.

Anonymous wrote:This is how affairs start. Demand he end it now and get to therapy.

OP here- some say this and some say lay low or he’ll get even more secretive. Can’t decide what to do.

This is how my husbands affair started.

This is how affairs start. Demand he end it now and get to therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was cheated on. Do not say anything. Stay vigilant.

Either it is nothing or,
Asking about it just makes them hide better.

+100000

But does OP then just let it happen? From the posts, it doesn’t sound like OP’s husband is cheating yet. Sucks to be OP just watching and waiting. I can’t imagine she will be able to be very close with DH during this time, which will probably exacerbate the issues in their relationship.

Also, it sounded like OP said she could dig for info without letting on that she’s been snooping... she said bank statements show DH was not where he said he was. Could maybe innocently ask about that (“I saw a charge from X bar, were you there because I want to make sure someone hasn’t hijacked our account”) and see what reaction she gets. Who knows, maybe DH comes clean and, like OP hopes, apologizes for hiding the drinks and says he did so because he was afraid OP would be jealous and overreact...

Anonymous wrote:I was cheated on. Do not say anything. Stay vigilant.

Either it is nothing or,
Asking about it just makes them hide better.

+100000

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly how pretty much every affair starts, FYI.

It's how my wife's did...

Anonymous wrote:I was cheated on. Do not say anything. Stay vigilant.

Either it is nothing or,
Asking about it just makes them hide better.

Are you saying she should find out in a stealthy way? Like hire a PI or use a gps?

I was cheated on. Do not say anything. Stay vigilant.

Either it is nothing or,
Asking about it just makes them hide better.

Anonymous wrote:No married individual should ever be having drinks w/another individual if they are married & of the opposite gender.

It’s just common sense here folks.

OP:
If your husband is not cheating already.....then it is only a true matter of time before he does.

You currently feel that he seems distant.
Now you know the reason.

I agree. Only if it's a group, but if her husband is meeting this one woman it's totally wrong.

Maybe OP could bring that up in a "general" way. Let him know she doesn't mind if he meets his co-workers, but one on one with the opposite sex isn't something either of them should do. Then see what he says.

Anonymous wrote:What prompted you to look thru his phone?

Why shouldn't she be able to look through his phone?

That would be a red flag right there. My spouse can look, or use my phone anytime.

You're deflecting away by trying to blame the OP who did nothing wrong.