Anonymous
Post 10/03/2019 07:35     Subject: Told brother I don't want to meet OW
Anonymous wrote:OP, my family pulled this crap on my brother when he left his marriage and wanted to bring the OW around, instead of thinking about our relationship with him, we let our SIL call the shots on our relationship. End result, he married the OW (eloped) with none of us going to the wedding and they have now been married 22 years with three children. We have never met his children from this relationship and I only know what I know about my brother from second hand talk or social media. I wish I had put my relationship with my brother first, I've missed so much and he will not talk to any of us. Think about your brother.


This was your mistake.

OPs SIL is not telling her what to do. OP is the one who feels uncomfortable meeting her brother’s affair partner. Rightfully so! Setting a boundary that you don’t agree with adultery and you want to wait until he is divorced to meet her is just basic decency. Just because the brother has none doesn’t mean OP has to sacrifice her morals for the sake of the relationship. “I will meet her after you are divorced.” Is a perfectly reasonable response. If he ends the relationship over that, that’s on him and it’s indicative of his recent self destructive behavior. Keep the door open, but you don’t drag yourself through the gutter to keep him company.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2019 07:11     Subject: Told brother I don't want to meet OW
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, my family pulled this crap on my brother when he left his marriage and wanted to bring the OW around, instead of thinking about our relationship with him, we let our SIL call the shots on our relationship. End result, he married the OW (eloped) with none of us going to the wedding and they have now been married 22 years with three children. We have never met his children from this relationship and I only know what I know about my brother from second hand talk or social media. I wish I had put my relationship with my brother first, I've missed so much and he will not talk to any of us. Think about your brother.


You don’t let SIL fall the shots, but you don’t bail on the kids. Kids need to meet OW before you. Otherwise, it is likely he’s cutting his kids out of the picture. BTDT.


This. I don't see where anyone is advocating to let SIL call the shots. Most posters are only suggesting that OP put her brother's kids first and let them meet OW first, which is the right thing to do. OP and her family can still have a relationship with her brother and OW.

I'm sorry that you let your SIL call the shots. As you now know, that's the wrong approach.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2019 02:05     Subject: Told brother I don't want to meet OW
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, my family pulled this crap on my brother when he left his marriage and wanted to bring the OW around, instead of thinking about our relationship with him, we let our SIL call the shots on our relationship. End result, he married the OW (eloped) with none of us going to the wedding and they have now been married 22 years with three children. We have never met his children from this relationship and I only know what I know about my brother from second hand talk or social media. I wish I had put my relationship with my brother first, I've missed so much and he will not talk to any of us. Think about your brother.


Curious if he was present with his kids from the first marriage and how that went.


Yes, he was, but the divorce was pretty bad as divorces go so custody was ran through the courts and a moderator of sorts. Basically he and SIL refused to speak with each other so the kids were exchanged week with him, week with her, just awful. Anyway, we were very involved in the kids lives (bds, etc) but we never saw him just invites from SIL. So when they were with her we would see them if there was an occasion and of course some sleepovers and amusement park trips. But never once did I ask his kids about him, did not want to do that to them. From what I saw/know he was there and present, paid his child support and covered their college even though SIL is remarried. Just a bad situation all around. If I learned one thing it's that my SIL was entirely innocent in the process of their marriage falling apart. It does take two, it's true, to make or break a marriage. Anyway, we chose to stay friends with SIL to have access to the kids. In the end she is not someone I would be friends with, but she is a good mother to my nephew and nieces. I would have sucked it up if I had it to do over again and let him bring the OW to my home and I would have put my foot up my mother's .... to make her see losing her son just wasn't worth it. Life lessons


Was your brother not understanding that he was the one who left his marriage and tried to force the OW on you without giving you time and also navigating the situation with his kids?
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2019 02:01     Subject: Re:Told brother I don't want to meet OW
Anonymous wrote:


This is op's family member you're talking about. He has blown up his life and is trying to connect with his family. He is deserving of love and kindness, even if op chooses not to meet the girlfriend at this time. Do you toss family aside when they f*ck up?


Hmmm. How loving and kind was he to his own family (wife & kids)? Did he not just toss them aside for an affair?
And he is not being tossed aside. Did OP say anywhere that he wasn't allowed to attend Thanksgiving or not to contact his parents? Did I miss the part where they won't speak to him until he ditches OW? Nope. They don't want to meet OW before the divorce if final and the children meet her. That is reasonable.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2019 01:44     Subject: Re:Told brother I don't want to meet OW
What does SIL's remarriage have to do with their dad paying for their college? He damn well better help pay to educate his own children.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2019 00:35     Subject: Told brother I don't want to meet OW
s/b wasn't entirely innocent .... ugh
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2019 00:34     Subject: Told brother I don't want to meet OW
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, my family pulled this crap on my brother when he left his marriage and wanted to bring the OW around, instead of thinking about our relationship with him, we let our SIL call the shots on our relationship. End result, he married the OW (eloped) with none of us going to the wedding and they have now been married 22 years with three children. We have never met his children from this relationship and I only know what I know about my brother from second hand talk or social media. I wish I had put my relationship with my brother first, I've missed so much and he will not talk to any of us. Think about your brother.


Curious if he was present with his kids from the first marriage and how that went.


Yes, he was, but the divorce was pretty bad as divorces go so custody was ran through the courts and a moderator of sorts. Basically he and SIL refused to speak with each other so the kids were exchanged week with him, week with her, just awful. Anyway, we were very involved in the kids lives (bds, etc) but we never saw him just invites from SIL. So when they were with her we would see them if there was an occasion and of course some sleepovers and amusement park trips. But never once did I ask his kids about him, did not want to do that to them. From what I saw/know he was there and present, paid his child support and covered their college even though SIL is remarried. Just a bad situation all around. If I learned one thing it's that my SIL was entirely innocent in the process of their marriage falling apart. It does take two, it's true, to make or break a marriage. Anyway, we chose to stay friends with SIL to have access to the kids. In the end she is not someone I would be friends with, but she is a good mother to my nephew and nieces. I would have sucked it up if I had it to do over again and let him bring the OW to my home and I would have put my foot up my mother's .... to make her see losing her son just wasn't worth it. Life lessons
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2019 00:18     Subject: Told brother I don't want to meet OW
Anonymous wrote:OP, my family pulled this crap on my brother when he left his marriage and wanted to bring the OW around, instead of thinking about our relationship with him, we let our SIL call the shots on our relationship. End result, he married the OW (eloped) with none of us going to the wedding and they have now been married 22 years with three children. We have never met his children from this relationship and I only know what I know about my brother from second hand talk or social media. I wish I had put my relationship with my brother first, I've missed so much and he will not talk to any of us. Think about your brother.


You don’t let SIL fall the shots, but you don’t bail on the kids. Kids need to meet OW before you. Otherwise, it is likely he’s cutting his kids out of the picture. BTDT.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2019 22:46     Subject: Told brother I don't want to meet OW
Anonymous wrote:OP, my family pulled this crap on my brother when he left his marriage and wanted to bring the OW around, instead of thinking about our relationship with him, we let our SIL call the shots on our relationship. End result, he married the OW (eloped) with none of us going to the wedding and they have now been married 22 years with three children. We have never met his children from this relationship and I only know what I know about my brother from second hand talk or social media. I wish I had put my relationship with my brother first, I've missed so much and he will not talk to any of us. Think about your brother.


Curious if he was present with his kids from the first marriage and how that went.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2019 21:53     Subject: Told brother I don't want to meet OW
OP, my family pulled this crap on my brother when he left his marriage and wanted to bring the OW around, instead of thinking about our relationship with him, we let our SIL call the shots on our relationship. End result, he married the OW (eloped) with none of us going to the wedding and they have now been married 22 years with three children. We have never met his children from this relationship and I only know what I know about my brother from second hand talk or social media. I wish I had put my relationship with my brother first, I've missed so much and he will not talk to any of us. Think about your brother.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2019 21:52     Subject: Told brother I don't want to meet OW
Anonymous wrote:OP- if it were my brother, I love him. I also like my SIL but I don’t know what goes on in their marriage. The divorce has been filed, it is inevitable. They have been separated for what appears to be many months. He asked to meet the day after Thanksgiving. I would meet them for lunch or coffee. You have no idea what your brother told this woman. He is the one who cheated for reasons you do not know. He isn’t going back to his wife..that relationship is over. He, however, is still your brother....that relationship is likely decades older than his marriage. He didn’t cheat on you. He is human, he made a mistake. Forgive.


+1
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2019 21:48     Subject: Told brother I don't want to meet OW
He’s your brother. Support and love him. It won’t kill you to meet her.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2019 21:45     Subject: Told brother I don't want to meet OW
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He's your brother. Be there for him. Showing love and kindness to your brother is never the wrong thing to do.


Agreed. You should show love and kindness to your brother. Supporting his affair does neither.

“After you’re divorced, I would love to meet any woman you’re dating. As long as you’re married, I refuse to be involved in your affairs.”

If he throws a tantrum like a toddler, you act like the grown up.


+1 At this point I would be much more concerned about supporting his kids than anyone else. They're the ones who are having to face all the upheaval and they are the ones who need people to be there for them unconditionally. I would convey this to my brother in no uncertain terms. And then I would plan something special for those kids.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2019 20:53     Subject: Told brother I don't want to meet OW
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He's your brother. Be there for him. Showing love and kindness to your brother is never the wrong thing to do.


Agreed. You should show love and kindness to your brother. Supporting his affair does neither.

“After you’re divorced, I would love to meet any woman you’re dating. As long as you’re married, I refuse to be involved in your affairs.”

If he throws a tantrum like a toddler, you act like the grown up.


This. Also like the part about not meeting her before his kids do.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2019 17:19     Subject: Told brother I don't want to meet OW
Good for you OP. Six months after the divorce, fine, invite brother and OW over. But not before then, your nieces / nephews are more important than the OW. I would assume she has family somewhere she could visit while your brother is there with you.