Anonymous
Post 09/23/2019 12:10     Subject: Re:BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?
Anonymous wrote:OP here - Wow, lots of strong responses which is exactly why I asked!

To further clarify, we *really* can't afford the cost. We live a in a cramped condo that needs a lot of work. We are desparately trying to save to move into something more suited for a family, in an ok school district but are struggling to cover the cost of the repairs required before we could even list it. I've only been on a plane once in the last 10 years and the tickets were a gift. Our family vacations typically consist of driving to see family. Our big splurge this year was 3 days at a DelMarVa beach.

As for the details about BIL, yes, I am not his biggest fan. There's a lot of history there - lying, theft - that has nothing to do with me and has resulted in trust issues and a lack of closeness between the brothers. DH was surprised he was asked to be in the wedding party, but his brother doesn't have many friends and his fiancée wants a large group to match hers. I don't think BIL would care at all if we weren't there. There are also a bunch of aunts, uncles, and other extended family that will attend. I guess my thinking is that if BIL doesn't even want to attend his own wedding, why should I compromise my family's future to be there?


Ask your FIL for help with the cost.

The other person you aren't factoring in is the bride, who is having the big deal wedding she has always wanted - maybe this marriage lasts 50 years or maybe it goes down in flames, but it sounds like the couple will be living in your town after the wedding. You may end up with nephews/nieces. Your kids may end up with cousins. Don't think of the wedding as some event. This is the start of a new familial relationship and I'd do everything I could to be supportive. You won't regret that no matter what happens in the future.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2019 12:02     Subject: BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sending DH on his own is what many (most!) people with young children end up doing. Traveling for a wedding over a weekend is too much for the under 5 crowd.

Send your DH on his own. Neither one of you should apologize for this. You have you g kids. This is the stage of life that you are in. It is completely normal.


No, it's not. Only for princesses like yourself and OP. Let me guess, none of you took a vacation for 5-6 years, right?


It's a 3 hour time difference, since you couldn't be bothered to read the initial post. Who wants to spend $$ to fly a family of 4 to CA or similar for a weekend? In a similar situation, we declined. It was rough on the one adult who attended.


You have got to be kidding me with this.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2019 12:00     Subject: BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?
Anonymous wrote:I mean yeah, to be honest you sound super b*tchy and judgmental, but you clearly don’t like the guy. Just own it. Is it a crappy thing to do not to go to your BIL’s first wedding? Sure, but you do you.


+1 - if your FIL will help with the expenses you should go. It's your husband's only sibling and it's his first wedding.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2019 11:39     Subject: BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?
Anonymous wrote:I think you are absolutely justified in staying home on the basis that you can't afford it. However, if FIL pays the way you really don't have an excuse anymore and you should suck it up and go. Note that part of sucking it up is putting on a happy face and not letting anyone know how much you didn't want to be there.


This, providing that your husband is on board with this plan. Assuming your FIL offers to pay, your husband could tell him that your family is fine with just DH attending and it would be a hassle for OP and the kids to travel that far in such a short period of time plus OP would have to watch the kids solo while DH does wedding party stuff. So if FIL wants them there then they'll oblige but they don't owe FIL anything as it's a favor to FIL/BIL.

Honestly it just makes more sense to me for OP's husband to go alone.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2019 20:46     Subject: BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?
Team op - send dh, don’t go, and don’t go broke over this.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2019 20:15     Subject: BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sending DH on his own is what many (most!) people with young children end up doing. Traveling for a wedding over a weekend is too much for the under 5 crowd.

Send your DH on his own. Neither one of you should apologize for this. You have you g kids. This is the stage of life that you are in. It is completely normal.


No, it's not. Only for princesses like yourself and OP. Let me guess, none of you took a vacation for 5-6 years, right?


Nope. I took many vacations, but I wouldn’t push my kids to fly with a time change to attend an adult event for only a few days AND blow all my vacation budget on it. That’s just ridiculous.


THEIR UNCLE!!!! Not some stranger.

An uncle they don’t know. Plus many people don’t want young kids at a wedding.


1) I have a feeling OP is a big reason they don’t know him.

2) if that’s the case, the point is moot


Where do you get that OP’s kids don’t know him from? She says they see him a few times a year. Not being able to afford it is a totally reasonable excuse; if your FIL offers to pay, you have to go. It’s that simple.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2019 19:54     Subject: BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sending DH on his own is what many (most!) people with young children end up doing. Traveling for a wedding over a weekend is too much for the under 5 crowd.

Send your DH on his own. Neither one of you should apologize for this. You have you g kids. This is the stage of life that you are in. It is completely normal.


No, it's not. Only for princesses like yourself and OP. Let me guess, none of you took a vacation for 5-6 years, right?


Nope. I took many vacations, but I wouldn’t push my kids to fly with a time change to attend an adult event for only a few days AND blow all my vacation budget on it. That’s just ridiculous.


THEIR UNCLE!!!! Not some stranger.

An uncle they don’t know. Plus many people don’t want young kids at a wedding.


1) I have a feeling OP is a big reason they don’t know him.

2) if that’s the case, the point is moot
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2019 19:52     Subject: BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sending DH on his own is what many (most!) people with young children end up doing. Traveling for a wedding over a weekend is too much for the under 5 crowd.

Send your DH on his own. Neither one of you should apologize for this. You have you g kids. This is the stage of life that you are in. It is completely normal.


No, it's not. Only for princesses like yourself and OP. Let me guess, none of you took a vacation for 5-6 years, right?


Nope. I took many vacations, but I wouldn’t push my kids to fly with a time change to attend an adult event for only a few days AND blow all my vacation budget on it. That’s just ridiculous.


THEIR UNCLE!!!! Not some stranger.

An uncle they don’t know. Plus many people don’t want young kids at a wedding.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2019 19:47     Subject: Re:BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?
If your fil offers to pay you should go. Inconvenience is not a reason to skip your husband's only sibling's wedding.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2019 19:40     Subject: BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you do not have friends or your DCs do not have friends that can watch your kids for 2 nights. Why about your parents? How old are DCs?


+1


np: I once had friends keep 2 kids overnight when they were young. No way would I have foisted 2 kids on them for the weekend.

My parents have died and I don’t trust my in-laws with the kids alone for the weekend (they are a little crazy and not spry).

Long story short, a lot of people can’t just go off and leave their kids.

Anonymous
Post 09/21/2019 19:34     Subject: BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?
Just send dh.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2019 19:32     Subject: Re:BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?
My husband went solo to his sisters wedding recently and you would not believe the blowback we got from his side of the family. Everyone was shocked that we wouldn’t drag our 1, 3, and 5 year old on a 24+ journey with a 10.5 hour time difference to attend this wedding because FAMILY.

Your situation isn’t as extreme but I definitely wouldn’t feel obligated to go.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2019 18:58     Subject: BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?
Anonymous wrote:Decline politely with the excuse that travel/enjoyment will be hampered taking care of the little ones on such a long, time-change trip and DH will be able to focus and celebrate his brother better this way. When/if FIL offers to pay, thank him but suggest that he use that to help the happy couple instead.


+1.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2019 18:57     Subject: BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?
Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you do not have friends or your DCs do not have friends that can watch your kids for 2 nights. Why about your parents? How old are DCs?


+1
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2019 18:51     Subject: BIL's Wedding - Big Deal if Only DH Attends?
Decline politely with the excuse that travel/enjoyment will be hampered taking care of the little ones on such a long, time-change trip and DH will be able to focus and celebrate his brother better this way. When/if FIL offers to pay, thank him but suggest that he use that to help the happy couple instead.