Anonymous wrote:I have a friend like this. She was terrified of seeing guys in college because she was raised Catholic and thought they'd want sex. That issue was compounded post college when she then had less relationship experience than everyone else. During that time she also had several long term crushes on friends that didn't work out. She's okay flirting, but panics if she thinks the guy actually is interested. She's desperate for a relationship and signs up for online dating sites, but can't get past the anxiety to a second date. She would give anything to skip dating and jump right to being married.

OP, you might have more luck getting her to agree to a group outing instead of one on ones. Let her get to know a few of your friends outside of work who can attest that you're not a serial killer or weirdo.

OP here. This is EXACTLY what I think the situation is. Which is why a couple of posts ago, I was thinking about way to let he know that she can trust me, she'd set the pace, etc. Other than demonstrating it through my actions, how do I best convey to her that I am not out just for the sex and that I see her as long-term potential -- which is why I was attracted to her in the first place. Even if one day I could get her on a first date, I get that someone like her would be TERRIFIED to go on a second or third date, fearing that sex would be expected. How do I let her know that it's not my goal out of this?

I agree about asking her out to group things to take out the one-on-one pressure because even if I frame it as friends, she will still feel anxious. I think this is why she did stop by an event I was at, even for 5 minutes, but it was something she could come and leave at her leisure, which is important as an introvert. Any group outing I plan would have to be the same -- something where she wouldn't feel committed to stay for hours.

I have a friend like this. She was terrified of seeing guys in college because she was raised Catholic and thought they'd want sex. That issue was compounded post college when she then had less relationship experience than everyone else. During that time she also had several long term crushes on friends that didn't work out. She's okay flirting, but panics if she thinks the guy actually is interested. She's desperate for a relationship and signs up for online dating sites, but can't get past the anxiety to a second date. She would give anything to skip dating and jump right to being married.

OP, you might have more luck getting her to agree to a group outing instead of one on ones. Let her get to know a few of your friends outside of work who can attest that you're not a serial killer or weirdo.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband, at 33, had never been in a relationship before we dated. He didn't hesitate to be in one with me. I think that's the difference here. She has no history and expresses no interest with you. So I doubt it will happen. She's a tease and probably has something really messed up in her sexual past.

OP here. Right, this is the most telling way of looking at it. If she was ready, she would be all in. I think what I'm seeing in terms of her flirtations and other expressions of interest is that deep down she wants romance, sex, companionship, etc -- we are human and much of this is a deep-seated biological need outside of our control. So this is a safe way of her expressing those desires but she still has the roadblock of actually following through with it. What probably helps her discount the possibilities further is that this is between people at work so in her mind, it's not possible anyway. Again, it's safe for her.

I agree that there are two ways of looking at it. Either multiple guys over the years have tried to get with her and quickly gave up, so maybe there is a chance for another guy who has the patience to break through. Or other guys have been patient and still haven't broken through. And I don't want to be that fool.

So we'll see what happens, but I am squarely focusing on other woman now.

Or there were few or no guys who even tried, because why bother?

Anonymous wrote:My husband, at 33, had never been in a relationship before we dated. He didn't hesitate to be in one with me. I think that's the difference here. She has no history and expresses no interest with you. So I doubt it will happen. She's a tease and probably has something really messed up in her sexual past.

OP here. Right, this is the most telling way of looking at it. If she was ready, she would be all in. I think what I'm seeing in terms of her flirtations and other expressions of interest is that deep down she wants romance, sex, companionship, etc -- we are human and much of this is a deep-seated biological need outside of our control. So this is a safe way of her expressing those desires but she still has the roadblock of actually following through with it. What probably helps her discount the possibilities further is that this is between people at work so in her mind, it's not possible anyway. Again, it's safe for her.

I agree that there are two ways of looking at it. Either multiple guys over the years have tried to get with her and quickly gave up, so maybe there is a chance for another guy who has the patience to break through. Or other guys have been patient and still haven't broken through. And I don't want to be that fool.

So we'll see what happens, but I am squarely focusing on other woman now.

Repressed gay (Catholic Church influence) or just a weird virgin with very very negative views on sex and dating. Move on. There is a reason she has never had a relationship.

My husband, at 33, had never been in a relationship before we dated. He didn't hesitate to be in one with me. I think that's the difference here. She has no history and expresses no interest with you. So I doubt it will happen. She's a tease and probably has something really messed up in her sexual past.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I knew I'd get these kinds of responses. I am self-aware enough to know how silly all of this is. I am very over-analytical and also a fast writer. So I write paragraphs in a matter of minutes.

I've had several multi-year relationships. Two ended just because neither of us could picture moving towards marriage, so that was that. The third ended because it was long-distance.


I talked to her today and made the final decision to continue backing off and keeping things friendly. Initiate contact very sporadically.. I don't chase women anymore, so I'm going to stick to my guns on this. And I am not going to have an ego thinking that I'll be the first one to break through. Come on. How many guys have tried over the years? It's delusional that I'll be the one to do it. And even if I do, it's a disaster waiting to happen with her having zero experience on knowing how it works.

So thanks everyone. I'll keep everyone updated if one day something happens with her.

Very possibly, not many. You give no reasons that would make the chase worth the effort.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds asexual

+1

So what's wrong with That?

Nothing. Where did you read that it’s wrong?

If you do break through great then what? You'll have issue after issue with her as she tries to deal with whatever commitment problem she has.

She will be so stressful to date with all her issues you'll end up giving up dating for good.

Good choice on holding back, I'm sure she will be a good friend but she has so many red flags and life is too short for that drama.

I think you made the right decision. I suspect it will take a lot of time and patience to break through with her and who has time for that? Good luck OP, keep us posted if anything changes.

OP here. I knew I'd get these kinds of responses. I am self-aware enough to know how silly all of this is. I am very over-analytical and also a fast writer. So I write paragraphs in a matter of minutes.

I've had several multi-year relationships. Two ended just because neither of us could picture moving towards marriage, so that was that. The third ended because it was long-distance.


I talked to her today and made the final decision to continue backing off and keeping things friendly. Initiate contact very sporadically.. I don't chase women anymore, so I'm going to stick to my guns on this. And I am not going to have an ego thinking that I'll be the first one to break through. Come on. How many guys have tried over the years? It's delusional that I'll be the one to do it. And even if I do, it's a disaster waiting to happen with her having zero experience on knowing how it works.

So thanks everyone. I'll keep everyone updated if one day something happens with her.