Anonymous
Post 07/09/2019 09:21     Subject: My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.
OP, just wait until you have a second or third child. You will be thinking how easy you had it when you were home and it was just one newborn to care for.

Medical issues aside (which doesn't sound like her baby has any or she would have mentioned it), even high maintenance infants are not THAT hard. Sure you are lonely and sleep deprived, but I can think of a lot of jobs that are much harder. You do realize women have been caring for infants since the dawn of time as well as several other children too. It should be such a deal you can't cope with the support he is giving as well (which is not nothing) and if it is, this is something to address with your dr.
Anonymous
Post 07/09/2019 09:07     Subject: My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Unless you talked about this and previously arranged how the responsibilities would be divided, it is assumed mothers are responsible for a much larger chuck of care for newborn babies. I’m presuming you are off work on maternity leave, he isn’t. The baby is you job right now.

Does your baby not nap and can’t be put down? Is he colicy? You are making it sound like someone needs to be holding him 24/7. I had two babies like this, so i don’t ask this in a snarky way and it is a phase that passes.

Put the baby in a swing, wear him in an ergo, put him on a sheepskin rug..those things should free up your arms so you can get some things done.

If you are borderline nervous breakdown, talk to him and explain what help you need to not go crazy. Encourage DH to wear the baby in a carrier and go for walks with him.


Unless you talked about this and previously arranged how the responsibilities would be divided, it is assumed that fathers and mothers are responsible for equal amounts of the care of newborn babies. I'm presuming he has paternity leave as well. When is he taking his leave? The baby is both of your jobs equally right now, because both of you made it.

There, FTFY, PP. BTW, PP, you are a self-righteous sexist prig. Women are not primarily responsible for newborns. You demonstrate exactly the kind of sexist world view that puts women behind in life.

A woman who is staying home and taking care of the baby all day is doing a job. Her job ends when her husband's job ends and it is entirely reasonable to expect that DH participate equally in the care of baby when he gets home. I am assuming, like many SAHM's she is also doing some other household chores like laundry, grocery shopping and meal prep, while she is home with baby. These also are equally DH's responsibility.

I am tired of men who steal the labor of women and without recompense and expect that their time is fully their own, even when they have brought other people into the world.



Are you joking? Society and employers make it very clear who is responsible for the baby. Besides the fact dads can’t feed breastfed babies. Who is on leave right now to take care of the baby? OP is!!! Did her husband take the same amount of leave as OP? I would assume not.
Anonymous
Post 07/09/2019 09:05     Subject: My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Unless you talked about this and previously arranged how the responsibilities would be divided, it is assumed mothers are responsible for a much larger chuck of care for newborn babies. I’m presuming you are off work on maternity leave, he isn’t. The baby is you job right now.

Does your baby not nap and can’t be put down? Is he colicy? You are making it sound like someone needs to be holding him 24/7. I had two babies like this, so i don’t ask this in a snarky way and it is a phase that passes.

Put the baby in a swing, wear him in an ergo, put him on a sheepskin rug..those things should free up your arms so you can get some things done.

If you are borderline nervous breakdown, talk to him and explain what help you need to not go crazy. Encourage DH to wear the baby in a carrier and go for walks with him.


Unless you talked about this and previously arranged how the responsibilities would be divided, it is assumed that fathers and mothers are responsible for equal amounts of the care of newborn babies. I'm presuming he has paternity leave as well. When is he taking his leave? The baby is both of your jobs equally right now, because both of you made it.

There, FTFY, PP. BTW, PP, you are a self-righteous sexist prig. Women are not primarily responsible for newborns. You demonstrate exactly the kind of sexist world view that puts women behind in life.

A woman who is staying home and taking care of the baby all day is doing a job. Her job ends when her husband's job ends and it is entirely reasonable to expect that DH participate equally in the care of baby when he gets home. I am assuming, like many SAHM's she is also doing some other household chores like laundry, grocery shopping and meal prep, while she is home with baby. These also are equally DH's responsibility.

I am tired of men who steal the labor of women and without recompense and expect that their time is fully their own, even when they have brought other people into the world.


Preach! Why on earth would the baby be only the mother’s responsibility? What is wrong with you PP? I hope you don’t have children because this isn’t the goddamn 1950s


No one is saying this. Did you not see how her husband is taking over while she cooks and during the mornings? What is it that OP wants?!? She wants her husband to enthusiastically take the baby the minute he gets home and give her the entire night off? Most people don’t want to work all day and then solely care for a child.

Unfortunately the main role of the mother is to feed the baby if she is breastfeeding. The husband can’t do this.

I strongly disagree that the SAHM job ends at 6-7 PM when the spouse gets home. As a SAHM your job is to make his or her ability to work as easy as possible. You have a sole breadwinner and should not be dumping chores and kids on your spouse when they get home. If you don’t want to care for a child all day then go back to work and you’ll enjoy the same arrangement as your spouse. Then you can share evening responsibilities since you both work and supper each other’s careers.
Anonymous
Post 07/09/2019 09:04     Subject: My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.
OMG OP, this is horrifyingly outrageous! With an 8-week old child, hire a lawyer and divorce him ASAP
Anonymous
Post 07/09/2019 08:59     Subject: My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Unless you talked about this and previously arranged how the responsibilities would be divided, it is assumed mothers are responsible for a much larger chuck of care for newborn babies. I’m presuming you are off work on maternity leave, he isn’t. The baby is you job right now.

Does your baby not nap and can’t be put down? Is he colicy? You are making it sound like someone needs to be holding him 24/7. I had two babies like this, so i don’t ask this in a snarky way and it is a phase that passes.

Put the baby in a swing, wear him in an ergo, put him on a sheepskin rug..those things should free up your arms so you can get some things done.

If you are borderline nervous breakdown, talk to him and explain what help you need to not go crazy. Encourage DH to wear the baby in a carrier and go for walks with him.


Unless you talked about this and previously arranged how the responsibilities would be divided, it is assumed that fathers and mothers are responsible for equal amounts of the care of newborn babies. I'm presuming he has paternity leave as well. When is he taking his leave? The baby is both of your jobs equally right now, because both of you made it.

There, FTFY, PP. BTW, PP, you are a self-righteous sexist prig. Women are not primarily responsible for newborns. You demonstrate exactly the kind of sexist world view that puts women behind in life.

A woman who is staying home and taking care of the baby all day is doing a job. Her job ends when her husband's job ends and it is entirely reasonable to expect that DH participate equally in the care of baby when he gets home. I am assuming, like many SAHM's she is also doing some other household chores like laundry, grocery shopping and meal prep, while she is home with baby. These also are equally DH's responsibility.

I am tired of men who steal the labor of women and without recompense and expect that their time is fully their own, even when they have brought other people into the world.


Preach! Why on earth would the baby be only the mother’s responsibility? What is wrong with you PP? I hope you don’t have children because this isn’t the goddamn 1950s
Anonymous
Post 07/09/2019 08:42     Subject: My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.
Anonymous wrote:Go to your parents. Go tomorrow. Fuuuuuuck this man baby!


Ugh, did you consult your parents when you decided to have a child? your parents do not want to deal with this shit.
Anonymous
Post 07/09/2019 08:40     Subject: My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.
OP, you need to be screened for postpartum depression. Also get a therapist. Leave the baby with your husband for the 2 hrs it takes to go to therapy.
Anonymous
Post 07/09/2019 08:39     Subject: My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.
Why do you need to paint your nails while on maternity leave? Serious question.
Anonymous
Post 07/09/2019 08:37     Subject: My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am not understanding what you want from him. I have three kids. Newborns sleep a large portion of the day. You should have a chance during the day jump in the shower. Are you not putting the baby down all day? If that is the case, then yes you are creating a problem. He shouldn’t need to hold the baby the second he walks in the door (unless he wants to). Put the baby in a low reclining bouncer (Bjorne makes a great one that an 8 wk old can go in) or bassinet while you cook. If you are in the middle of something, then ask him to pick him up.

I would never expect my husband to get up with the baby at night. He has a job that would be extremely dangerous to him and others if he is tired, plus he doesn’t get to nap if he needs to. You can nap when the baby naps. Unless you are working full time and formula feeding, it make no sense for him to wake up at night too.

All newborns do is eat, sleep, and want to snuggle their mom. What do want him to do to “engage” besides occasional holding and diaper changing? If you are struggling have him help in other ways like cooking and cleaning. But newborns and moms are meant to be together and expecting a dad is going to 50% of newborn care just isn’t realistic. Sure dads are capable in in some circumstances need to and can provide full great care for a newborn, but the most natural thing and what a newborn wants is its mother.


+1000000. I agree with this. I think OP is angry about the situation (having a baby to care for) and not her husband.


Yup. Being a mommy isn’t all that you hoped it would be, is it? Less hallmark, more shit and piss.
Anonymous
Post 07/09/2019 08:33     Subject: My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.
Anonymous wrote:OP you need to nip his shitty parenting right now. Let the baby cry and just walk away to make him deal with it. Men are lazy by nature and will
Always do the least amount they can get away with. Go away for a day and night and leave the baby.


Your advice is to neglect the baby? That is horrible advice.
Anonymous
Post 07/09/2019 08:31     Subject: My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.
Anonymous wrote:Unless you talked about this and previously arranged how the responsibilities would be divided, it is assumed mothers are responsible for a much larger chuck of care for newborn babies. I’m presuming you are off work on maternity leave, he isn’t. The baby is you job right now.

Does your baby not nap and can’t be put down? Is he colicy? You are making it sound like someone needs to be holding him 24/7. I had two babies like this, so i don’t ask this in a snarky way and it is a phase that passes.

Put the baby in a swing, wear him in an ergo, put him on a sheepskin rug..those things should free up your arms so you can get some things done.

If you are borderline nervous breakdown, talk to him and explain what help you need to not go crazy. Encourage DH to wear the baby in a carrier and go for walks with him.


Unless you talked about this and previously arranged how the responsibilities would be divided, it is assumed that fathers and mothers are responsible for equal amounts of the care of newborn babies. I'm presuming he has paternity leave as well. When is he taking his leave? The baby is both of your jobs equally right now, because both of you made it.

There, FTFY, PP. BTW, PP, you are a self-righteous sexist prig. Women are not primarily responsible for newborns. You demonstrate exactly the kind of sexist world view that puts women behind in life.

A woman who is staying home and taking care of the baby all day is doing a job. Her job ends when her husband's job ends and it is entirely reasonable to expect that DH participate equally in the care of baby when he gets home. I am assuming, like many SAHM's she is also doing some other household chores like laundry, grocery shopping and meal prep, while she is home with baby. These also are equally DH's responsibility.

I am tired of men who steal the labor of women and without recompense and expect that their time is fully their own, even when they have brought other people into the world.
Anonymous
Post 07/09/2019 08:20     Subject: My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.
Anonymous wrote:I feel for OP because she's clearly worn out, but let's face it: 8 week old babies are not that "engaging." I mean, they sleep and cry and eat. They don't even smile yet. No everyone feels compelled to coo at them 24/7.

Lots of men have a hard time feeling really connected to tiny babies until they start to be able to engage with anything other than the boob. Give it time, OP, and remember to ask politely when you need something. Being a mom doesn't give you carte blanche for acting bitchy.


It doesn't matter if the baby is engaging. Her husband isn't a random friend or relative there to have fun with a clean, happy infant.

Dads can hear a crying baby just as clearly as Moms. She should not have to ask (which sounds like nag, and acting bitchy). Take a wee bit of initiative and things will fall into place.
Anonymous
Post 07/09/2019 08:17     Subject: My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow. He’s just a typical dad. You didn’t REALLY think he was going to take care of an 8 week old baby like you would did you? Give him time he could turn into a great dad in a few years. Sorry.


No he isn’t a typical dad. You are a pushover. There are many really great dads from day one.


EXACTLY.


ladies this crap isn’t normal. Don’t fool
Yourselves.


It’s normal for every other mom I know personally. A 50/50 dad to me is a unicorn. And yes, we all work full time also. My kids are 4 and 7. What OP describes was my life—just like my mom friends—for 6 solid years.

6 years of doing everything yourself, or even the majority by yourself? That's a YOU problem. Mommy martyrism needs to die.

You need to expect better. My dad, husband, brothers, and BILs are all fully involved dads from day one. I went back to work at 6 weeks, and I breastfed, but my husband was an involved dad from our first child's birth. There is a lot for them to take over (not "help"). My husband handled bath time, got each baby used to the bottle once I began to pump, changed diapers, burped them, etc. Dads do not not babysit or hold the baby at their convenience, they parent.

Anonymous
Post 07/09/2019 08:02     Subject: My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.
I feel for OP because she's clearly worn out, but let's face it: 8 week old babies are not that "engaging." I mean, they sleep and cry and eat. They don't even smile yet. No everyone feels compelled to coo at them 24/7.

Lots of men have a hard time feeling really connected to tiny babies until they start to be able to engage with anything other than the boob. Give it time, OP, and remember to ask politely when you need something. Being a mom doesn't give you carte blanche for acting bitchy.
Anonymous
Post 07/09/2019 07:46     Subject: My husband just doesn’t get it. Barely engages with 8 week old.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:[

Thanks for confirming that you've never cared for an 8 week old. Here's the thing: the office IS the break from the baby. When they're both home, it's all hands on deck.

If you feel it's unfair that he works all day and then has to care for his baby, I don't know what to tell you. Except that working while pregnant isn't such a piece of cake either. Not to mention giving birth.


I have had children and given birth. I simply don’t think staying home with a newborn is that hard. Obviously it is for OP. I’m not saying her spouse shouldn’t care for the baby at night. Instead I understand why he needs a break before being on baby duty.



As the above poster said ... work IS the break from the baby! I went to work to RELAX and talk with ADULTS. I only worked part time when my children were little, but work was the easiest part of my day. The childcare was the hardest part by far.

Luckily, I had a spouse who came home and really wanted to cuddle and talk to the babies or make dinner or basically do anything our family needed. He wasn't "helping" me. He was parenting.

I did all overnight changings and feedings because I was the milk machine. No need for both of us to get up. And that was difficult, even when not back at work, because you aren't sleeping.

OP should start taking time away and leaving baby with husband for EXTENDED periods of time. Get the baby used to a bottle (or at this point the baby might not take it) so you can get away for more than just a couple of hours. Or, just take a couple of hours to yourself every night to take a walk, go to the gym, visit friends. Whatever you need.