Anonymous
07/02/2019 07:17
Subject: S/O is it unfair for grandparents to help with one set of grandkids and not the other?
Anonymous wrote:What I’ve personally seen is that grandparents help extensively with daughters kids but do bare minimum with sons kids. It’s sexist. Dh is very close to his parents too so that’s not it
My mom would LOVE to be more involved with her grandchildren from my brother and his wife. Unfortunately his wife, my SIL, is rude to my mom and my mom has given up trying. The funny thing is that SIL is a complainer and constantly complains about how unhappy she is and how much more help she needs. I know she is very jealous of the relationship my mom has with her other grandchildren but she doesn't seem to understand that the rest of us treat my mom nicely and kindly even if she does things that sometimes annoy us or that we would do differently. My SIL doesn't understand that we aren't all clones and that we're not all perfect.
Anonymous
07/02/2019 06:45
Subject: S/O is it unfair for grandparents to help with one set of grandkids and not the other?
Anonymous wrote:Spin off from the thread about how someone’s DH seems to be a bit resentful that his sister is getting full time babysitting from ILs while he may not get as much help as a result. I think about this a lot as my MIL is providing free child care to SIL and BIL who have the money but since we will have kids later, we will be lower on the list for help and we will shell out the full cost for daycare though objectively we need the help more (I’m in intense grad school program so just one income and my family leaves far away so no help from them while SIL has both sides helping). On one hand I feel like it’s my responsibility but it does stink that the first person to have a baby essentially gets the grandparents and the bonding relationship. Has this happened to anyone else? Should grandparents try to be “fair” with how they take care of grandkids?
It can be fair and it can be unfair. Fair does not mean things are exactly the same. Different people have different needs.
Anonymous
07/02/2019 06:44
Subject: S/O is it unfair for grandparents to help with one set of grandkids and not the other?
This kind of help., more often than not, comes with strings attached. You end up paying for it in other ways. It isn't a gift. It is part of a quid pro quo.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here.. thanks for your responses. I know I’m being irrational I just wish I had family support in the way my SIL and BIL have but you are all right - I should not expect anything and it is my responsibility. I know this but wish I also had access to free child care like they do. ILs are already committed to caring for my nephew so it would cause drama to ask them to watch ours instead. I’m just a bit jealous and it’s not right. I agree with you all. We are saving all we have to pay for daycare and maternity leave over the next year.
You don't have kids, so I'm unclear why you are upset you don't have access to childcare.
Again I know I’m in the wrong here- it’s my issue that I’m jealous of their help but we want to try but can’t yet in order to save as much as possible. I was just triggered by hearing how they get to buy another car (their third) and tractor because of all the money that are saving from no child care from grandparents. Not my business but it still sucks a bit
Maybe they are also working and earning money to pay for what they have.
You do not have a childcare problem, you have a jealousy problem. You need to grow up.
She’s jealous as you would be if you parents handed on of your siblings 25k a year and left you high and dry... similar to inheritance issues
Anonymous
07/01/2019 16:34
Subject: S/O is it unfair for grandparents to help with one set of grandkids and not the other?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here.. thanks for your responses. I know I’m being irrational I just wish I had family support in the way my SIL and BIL have but you are all right - I should not expect anything and it is my responsibility. I know this but wish I also had access to free child care like they do. ILs are already committed to caring for my nephew so it would cause drama to ask them to watch ours instead. I’m just a bit jealous and it’s not right. I agree with you all. We are saving all we have to pay for daycare and maternity leave over the next year.
You don't have kids, so I'm unclear why you are upset you don't have access to childcare.
Again I know I’m in the wrong here- it’s my issue that I’m jealous of their help but we want to try but can’t yet in order to save as much as possible. I was just triggered by hearing how they get to buy another car (their third) and tractor because of all the money that are saving from no child care from grandparents. Not my business but it still sucks a bit
Maybe they are also working and earning money to pay for what they have.
You do not have a childcare problem, you have a jealousy problem. You need to grow up.
She’s jealous as you would be if you parents handed on of your siblings 25k a year and left you high and dry... similar to inheritance issues
No. The MIL is not handing over cash. She is choosing to spend her time that way. If she finds that a fulfilling activity for her retirement, that’s her prerogative.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 16:22
Subject: S/O is it unfair for grandparents to help with one set of grandkids and not the other?
I’d be interested in which cultures still have this expectation of grandparents taking care of grandchildren. I don’t know anyone whose family has been here 2+ generations expecting free childcare like OP’s husband and SIL.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 15:08
Subject: S/O is it unfair for grandparents to help with one set of grandkids and not the other?
OP - you know the age of your ILs. It is one data point. You made a decision concerning what was best for you. You made a decision concerning what was best for *only* you. In making the choice, it suggests that their (future) advanced age is not of much importance.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 14:56
Subject: S/O is it unfair for grandparents to help with one set of grandkids and not the other?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You are jealous of their child care and you DON'T EVEN HAVE KIDS!!!!! You are miserable person who should definitely seek therapy.
I agree, this is ridiculous.
All of this. You are comparing the care your niece/nephew gets to your NON-EXISTENT child. This is next level off the charts weirdness.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 14:52
Subject: S/O is it unfair for grandparents to help with one set of grandkids and not the other?
Anonymous wrote:You are jealous of their child care and you DON'T EVEN HAVE KIDS!!!!! You are miserable person who should definitely seek therapy.
I agree, this is ridiculous.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 14:48
Subject: S/O is it unfair for grandparents to help with one set of grandkids and not the other?
Anonymous wrote:What I’ve personally seen is that grandparents help extensively with daughters kids but do bare minimum with sons kids. It’s sexist. Dh is very close to his parents too so that’s not it
Sad, but frequently true.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 14:45
Subject: S/O is it unfair for grandparents to help with one set of grandkids and not the other?
You are jealous of their child care and you DON'T EVEN HAVE KIDS!!!!! You are miserable person who should definitely seek therapy.