Anonymous
07/01/2019 19:29
Subject: I think I regret having kids
Anonymous wrote:My kids are in college and I can say that on the whole, the entire experience was significantly less fun than I had been led to believe it would be.
It was lonely as hell. If your kids are smart, then the gunner parents will surround you in all your kids activities, and there will be no shared spirit of camaraderie or 'we're all in this together'. If your kids aren't smart, then you will spend all your money on tutoring perhaps, and may feel disappointed that they're not as smart or academic as you. Or as athletic, or social, or whatever.
Unless you're one of those incredibly lucky women married to a guy who's a saint, you will likely fight a lot over whose turn it is to do what. And he'll probably get to advance farther in his career and feel more successful than you will.
No matter where you fall on the working from home, working from work, staying home, selling MLM and pretending you're working, there will be someone doing it better and bragging about it, and you'll likely feel torn about whatever of the somewhat sucky choices you have chosen.
You'll wish you had more money and see others giving their kids things that you can't afford (like better schools) and feel guilty.
I always felt guilty because my kids weren't geniuses and on some level, I felt disappointed that they weren't winning the Pulitzer or something, and then I felt guilty for not just thinking they were terrific no matter what they did.
I hated never having significant chunks of time to do anything for years. I hated rationing and doling out the trips to the gym, walking the dog, sleep -- feeling like I was always late to be somewhere and like I never had enough time to do anything.
I guess I just thought it was going to be easier, cheaper, more social and more fulfilling. When I hang out with the women in my neighborhood whose kids are in college, honestly, we're all a bit shell-shocked. Everybody's had some big disappointment along the way and nobody's kids turned out perfectly.
HOnestly, I think all those pinteresty ladies who brag about how fulfilled they are are lying.
It sounds like a lot of your regret is that you were very wrapped up in comparing your kids and yourself to others. My kids are in high school. I think they are turning out well but certainly not "perfectly" but I never expected that. If you go into it expecting perfection of course you'll be majorly disappointed.
I'm not a pinteresty lady but I actually have enjoyed most of the ride so far. Some of that is certainly luck -- no serious special needs (one kid with moderate, late-diagnosed ADHD), both kids were great sleepers when little, I was able to SAHM when they were little and easily go back to a flexible FT job once they were in school, and DH and I don't argue about whose turn it is to do things. But, I think it's also attitude -- I didn't expect to or want to do the same things as when I didn't have kids, I expected to be tired and for it to be expensive. I tend to be a go-with-the-flow, non-competitive, look-on-the-bright-side person.
So, you probably think I'm lying or deluding myself but I've loved my child raising years so far. But, I do respect that some people have a bad experience with parenthood and have real regrets, which is really unfortunate. I hate to see anyone going into parenting just because it's the thing to do rather than because it's really what they want for their life.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 16:29
Subject: I think I regret having kids
Anonymous wrote:I never really understand this perspective. What did y'all think it was going to be like?!
I can see being overwhelmed by a special needs child but just lamenting the loss of all-you-can-drink mimosa bunches because your kid now needs you seems incredibly self-absorbed.
While I don't regret having my kids I was totally unprepared for how physically tiring it would be and the cumulative effects of all the sleepless nights. I found the baby phase to also be particularly tiring because you have to carry the baby around a lot and that's really hard on your back. I'm a fairly analytical person and I did a lot of research before having kids and I really don't think there's a way for childless folks to get a perspective on how physically demanding young kids are. I nailed it on the costs though, no surprises there so far.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 16:02
Subject: I think I regret having kids
Anonymous wrote:For the PPs who feel this way, do your husbands feel the same way? If not, you could divorce and give them full or majority custody. It would probably be better for everyone overall. If they do feel the same way, therapy is probably necessary. Sorry OP. You are definitely in a difficult stage and I think it will get better.
+1
Anonymous
07/01/2019 16:01
Subject: I think I regret having kids
Anonymous wrote:My kids are in college and I can say that on the whole, the entire experience was significantly less fun than I had been led to believe it would be.
It was lonely as hell. If your kids are smart, then the gunner parents will surround you in all your kids activities, and there will be no shared spirit of camaraderie or 'we're all in this together'. If your kids aren't smart, then you will spend all your money on tutoring perhaps, and may feel disappointed that they're not as smart or academic as you. Or as athletic, or social, or whatever.
Unless you're one of those incredibly lucky women married to a guy who's a saint, you will likely fight a lot over whose turn it is to do what. And he'll probably get to advance farther in his career and feel more successful than you will.
No matter where you fall on the working from home, working from work, staying home, selling MLM and pretending you're working, there will be someone doing it better and bragging about it, and you'll likely feel torn about whatever of the somewhat sucky choices you have chosen.
You'll wish you had more money and see others giving their kids things that you can't afford (like better schools) and feel guilty.
I always felt guilty because my kids weren't geniuses and on some level, I felt disappointed that they weren't winning the Pulitzer or something, and then I felt guilty for not just thinking they were terrific no matter what they did.
I hated never having significant chunks of time to do anything for years. I hated rationing and doling out the trips to the gym, walking the dog, sleep -- feeling like I was always late to be somewhere and like I never had enough time to do anything.
I guess I just thought it was going to be easier, cheaper, more social and more fulfilling. When I hang out with the women in my neighborhood whose kids are in college, honestly, we're all a bit shell-shocked. Everybody's had some big disappointment along the way and nobody's kids turned out perfectly.
HOnestly, I think all those pinteresty ladies who brag about how fulfilled they are are lying.
This sounds like some truth.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 15:24
Subject: I think I regret having kids
Anonymous wrote:And to add--NO ONE GETS TO judge for your regret. But how you behave and live with the situation is completely in your control.
+1
My mother comes a culture and generation where having children was expected. If she had been born 20 years younger in the West, she would've made different choices. I think that she would've chosen to not have children or only one child later in life. As an adult, I can see this about her.
But growing up, she was a good mom and we are still close today. She was good mother not because she loved motherhood but because she was willing to do the things that good parents do regardless of her personal feelings about the situation. She always tried her best, prioritized my (and my siblings') well-being, and was there for us.
It's fine to have regrets about having children. It's not like you can truly know what having a child is like until you have one. What's important is how you conduct yourself and behave towards the children that you do have. Good parenting is about what you do, not how you feel.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 15:16
Subject: Re:I think I regret having kids
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If our ancestors had been as self-centered as some of these posters, the whole human race would have died out long ago. No one ever said the point of children was to make you happy. It’s just what living things do.
OP, I do think it will get better for you once you’re sleeping again and the older one is past the dreaded 3-3.5 stage.
Agreed. I’m astonished at all the “you get very little in return” posters. Um, that’s not the point? Everything is not all about what you can get out of it. How incredibly selfish.
I can’t imagine a life of endless dining out, drinking, traveling, sleeping in. That would feel very empty and meaningless to me after a while.
Seriously? This sounds amazing.
+1
Shocker! Other people may think differently than you.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 15:10
Subject: Re:I think I regret having kids
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If our ancestors had been as self-centered as some of these posters, the whole human race would have died out long ago. No one ever said the point of children was to make you happy. It’s just what living things do.
OP, I do think it will get better for you once you’re sleeping again and the older one is past the dreaded 3-3.5 stage.
Agreed. I’m astonished at all the “you get very little in return” posters. Um, that’s not the point? Everything is not all about what you can get out of it. How incredibly selfish.
I can’t imagine a life of endless dining out, drinking, traveling, sleeping in. That would feel very empty and meaningless to me after a while.
Seriously? This sounds amazing.
+1
Don't you have a poopy diaper to go change? Crackers to dole out?
Anonymous
07/01/2019 14:35
Subject: I think I regret having kids
My kids are in college and I can say that on the whole, the entire experience was significantly less fun than I had been led to believe it would be.
It was lonely as hell. If your kids are smart, then the gunner parents will surround you in all your kids activities, and there will be no shared spirit of camaraderie or 'we're all in this together'. If your kids aren't smart, then you will spend all your money on tutoring perhaps, and may feel disappointed that they're not as smart or academic as you. Or as athletic, or social, or whatever.
Unless you're one of those incredibly lucky women married to a guy who's a saint, you will likely fight a lot over whose turn it is to do what. And he'll probably get to advance farther in his career and feel more successful than you will.
No matter where you fall on the working from home, working from work, staying home, selling MLM and pretending you're working, there will be someone doing it better and bragging about it, and you'll likely feel torn about whatever of the somewhat sucky choices you have chosen.
You'll wish you had more money and see others giving their kids things that you can't afford (like better schools) and feel guilty.
I always felt guilty because my kids weren't geniuses and on some level, I felt disappointed that they weren't winning the Pulitzer or something, and then I felt guilty for not just thinking they were terrific no matter what they did.
I hated never having significant chunks of time to do anything for years. I hated rationing and doling out the trips to the gym, walking the dog, sleep -- feeling like I was always late to be somewhere and like I never had enough time to do anything.
I guess I just thought it was going to be easier, cheaper, more social and more fulfilling. When I hang out with the women in my neighborhood whose kids are in college, honestly, we're all a bit shell-shocked. Everybody's had some big disappointment along the way and nobody's kids turned out perfectly.
HOnestly, I think all those pinteresty ladies who brag about how fulfilled they are are lying.
It was lonely as hell. If your kids are smart, then the gunner parents will surround you in all your kids activities, and there will be no shared spirit of camaraderie or 'we're all in this together'. If your kids aren't smart, then you will spend all your money on tutoring perhaps, and may feel disappointed that they're not as smart or academic as you. Or as athletic, or social, or whatever.
Unless you're one of those incredibly lucky women married to a guy who's a saint, you will likely fight a lot over whose turn it is to do what. And he'll probably get to advance farther in his career and feel more successful than you will.
No matter where you fall on the working from home, working from work, staying home, selling MLM and pretending you're working, there will be someone doing it better and bragging about it, and you'll likely feel torn about whatever of the somewhat sucky choices you have chosen.
You'll wish you had more money and see others giving their kids things that you can't afford (like better schools) and feel guilty.
I always felt guilty because my kids weren't geniuses and on some level, I felt disappointed that they weren't winning the Pulitzer or something, and then I felt guilty for not just thinking they were terrific no matter what they did.
I hated never having significant chunks of time to do anything for years. I hated rationing and doling out the trips to the gym, walking the dog, sleep -- feeling like I was always late to be somewhere and like I never had enough time to do anything.
I guess I just thought it was going to be easier, cheaper, more social and more fulfilling. When I hang out with the women in my neighborhood whose kids are in college, honestly, we're all a bit shell-shocked. Everybody's had some big disappointment along the way and nobody's kids turned out perfectly.
HOnestly, I think all those pinteresty ladies who brag about how fulfilled they are are lying.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 14:34
Subject: Re:I think I regret having kids
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If our ancestors had been as self-centered as some of these posters, the whole human race would have died out long ago. No one ever said the point of children was to make you happy. It’s just what living things do.
OP, I do think it will get better for you once you’re sleeping again and the older one is past the dreaded 3-3.5 stage.
Agreed. I’m astonished at all the “you get very little in return” posters. Um, that’s not the point? Everything is not all about what you can get out of it. How incredibly selfish.
I can’t imagine a life of endless dining out, drinking, traveling, sleeping in. That would feel very empty and meaningless to me after a while.
Seriously? This sounds amazing.
+1
It's nice for a vacation but sounds like a pretty empty life to me.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 14:34
Subject: I think I regret having kids
Anonymous wrote:I never really understand this perspective. What did y'all think it was going to be like?!
I can see being overwhelmed by a special needs child but just lamenting the loss of all-you-can-drink mimosa bunches because your kid now needs you seems incredibly self-absorbed.
+1 Had you never really been around small children. They are frustrating and tiring but I also love them to death, think they are adorable (most of the time), and wouldn't have it any other way.
I do think, however, that prioritizing sleep is absolutely essential. Over tired small children are a nightmare, add in an a sleep-deprived parent and you are in deep misery. Deal with sleep problems ASAP, bring in help if you need it, prioritize early bedtimes vs. other activities. If your child is whining, complaining, crying all the time they are probably over tired.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 14:29
Subject: Re:I think I regret having kids
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If our ancestors had been as self-centered as some of these posters, the whole human race would have died out long ago. No one ever said the point of children was to make you happy. It’s just what living things do.
OP, I do think it will get better for you once you’re sleeping again and the older one is past the dreaded 3-3.5 stage.
Agreed. I’m astonished at all the “you get very little in return” posters. Um, that’s not the point? Everything is not all about what you can get out of it. How incredibly selfish.
I can’t imagine a life of endless dining out, drinking, traveling, sleeping in. That would feel very empty and meaningless to me after a while.
Seriously? This sounds amazing.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 14:28
Subject: I think I regret having kids
For the PPs who feel this way, do your husbands feel the same way? If not, you could divorce and give them full or majority custody. It would probably be better for everyone overall. If they do feel the same way, therapy is probably necessary. Sorry OP. You are definitely in a difficult stage and I think it will get better.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 14:27
Subject: I think I regret having kids
I never really understand this perspective. What did y'all think it was going to be like?!
I can see being overwhelmed by a special needs child but just lamenting the loss of all-you-can-drink mimosa bunches because your kid now needs you seems incredibly self-absorbed.
I can see being overwhelmed by a special needs child but just lamenting the loss of all-you-can-drink mimosa bunches because your kid now needs you seems incredibly self-absorbed.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 14:24
Subject: Re:I think I regret having kids
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If our ancestors had been as self-centered as some of these posters, the whole human race would have died out long ago. No one ever said the point of children was to make you happy. It’s just what living things do.
OP, I do think it will get better for you once you’re sleeping again and the older one is past the dreaded 3-3.5 stage.
Agreed. I’m astonished at all the “you get very little in return” posters. Um, that’s not the point? Everything is not all about what you can get out of it. How incredibly selfish.
I can’t imagine a life of endless dining out, drinking, traveling, sleeping in. That would feel very empty and meaningless to me after a while.
Okay. This is dumb. No one should have kids because you are "supposed to." The best reason to have kids is because you want them and they will add meaning and happiness to your life.
It is not selfish to want that.
Kids did not ask to be born, so we are not doing them a favor by bringing them into the world and then trudging through a misery that we pass on.
OP. it think many people have kids because it what you are "supposed to do" and then end up miserable. That is what happened to you and it is fine and common.
But you are stuck with that decision now and you have two choices: wallow in a miserable experience that sinks these innocent kids with you or fake it till you make it and try to hide it and make the best of things.
Give them a chance and don't let them feel your unhappiness. Find other areas of you life to explore and try to cultivate a more open mindset. Meditation, hobbies, exercise, and thinking of your responsibility.
This is good advice. I will also try to follow it as I dislike having children.
Anonymous
07/01/2019 14:23
Subject: I think I regret having kids
And to add--NO ONE GETS TO judge for your regret. But how you behave and live with the situation is completely in your control.