Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 14:47     Subject: Re:Step-son Moving Back In
Anonymous wrote:We went through something similar. The dynamic between my husband and his son and his ex-wife and his son is different (not necessarily better or worse, but different), so it was worthwhile to try a switch. Our son (well, my step-son) really needed therapy for dual diagnosis--mental health issues coupled with drug addiction. That sort of program is hard to find. But once we found one, we told him he had to go. He refused. Then we waited for an outburst. We would have called the cops and used that as the precipitating event, but he texted a threat. We told him we would use that to have him involuntary committed if he did not go to the facility we had spoken about. That threat (which we were prepared to carry through on) worked. (As an aside, the in patient, dual-diagnosis treatment was for us a god send, but I realize it doesn't always work that well.)
In the meantime, I had a backup plan for our youngest child--basically, if an outburst broke out, we were heading to a hotel, no matter when, and staying until the situation was resolved. My husband was responsible for resolving it. (I had also identified some nearby airbnbs in case I needed to stay for slightly longer.)
My calling our older child my son above was not a mistake--I just thought all this through from the perspective of having two kids whose needs (very serious, very real) had to be dealt with. I did not think of it as having one step-kid and one "real" kid. That's true even though I didn't get to make a lot of decisions concerning our son, and had to leave that, ultimately, to his parents. Being a step parent in situations like this is all the responsibility with none of the authority, which causes enormous stress (on top of the fact that you're supporting a spouse who's in the thick of things himself). Try to take care of yourself and try to find someone outside the family you can talk to. (I never really did, and it was the loneliest time of my life.) Hang in there.


I think this is the best advice you've received. But your husband has to get on board.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 14:33     Subject: Step-son Moving Back In
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why OP thinks she will lose custody of her daughter if her husband leaves over this.

Either OP is full of it and this is an excuse to play victim, or there’s something problematic in OP’s history that she’s withholding. Either way, her credibility is suspect here.


OP here. I don’t think I’d lose custody. I just don’t think my husband would either. My understating is that it’s a huge bar to completely lose custody. I don’t know why people think a brother in the house who uses THC and broke a window at his moms house would be enough. My husband is smart, wealthy, legally knowledgeable, and has a history of fighting hard for custody. I’m surprised this has become a sticking point, as my general impression from this board is that divorce means 50/50 in the vast majority of cases. My husband hasn’t even caved and let him back yet. Leaving seems really premature.


Giving your husband an ultimatum is NOT premature. Your husband sounds like an a$$ the way you describe him.


oP here. I think an ultimatum is premature, as I’m not willing to leave while I think My daughter would be in the house without me 50% of the time if I did. and I’m not going to make an idle threat. Honestly, my husband is stressed out of his mind about this. And, he is kind of being an ass, but it’s mainly because he’s reverting to Papa Bear instinct of protect his kid who’s in the worse shape. I think it would be a big mistake to cave and let him back in, and, as of now, he hasn’t let him.

This situation is unlike anything I’ve dealt with in my life. We can literally have a discussion with DSS which seems to go well, and, then, 20 minutes later he texts to ask if he can just move back in. And, my husband, so far, has been consistent in his message to DSS, but keeps piling all his stress and uncertainty back on me. (How do I know I’m doing the right thing? Maybe he just needs me. Enabling is just psychobabble, etc etc)

Therapy? We are trying... but so far, dh is trying to get therapy appointments with DSS and his ex wife, and doesn’t have the energy to add a third grouping to that list..
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 13:58     Subject: Step-son Moving Back In
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why OP thinks she will lose custody of her daughter if her husband leaves over this.

Either OP is full of it and this is an excuse to play victim, or there’s something problematic in OP’s history that she’s withholding. Either way, her credibility is suspect here.


OP here. I don’t think I’d lose custody. I just don’t think my husband would either. My understating is that it’s a huge bar to completely lose custody. I don’t know why people think a brother in the house who uses THC and broke a window at his moms house would be enough. My husband is smart, wealthy, legally knowledgeable, and has a history of fighting hard for custody. I’m surprised this has become a sticking point, as my general impression from this board is that divorce means 50/50 in the vast majority of cases. My husband hasn’t even caved and let him back yet. Leaving seems really premature.


Giving your husband an ultimatum is NOT premature. Your husband sounds like an a$$ the way you describe him.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 09:10     Subject: Step-son Moving Back In
No way. I'd get a divorce over this. If the son were in treatment (for both drugs and the violent outbursts) and had been clean for a little while, that would be one thing. But given that he isn't, AND that he's violent, there is no way my kid would be living in the same house. I would not even consider it. (Not to mention the fact that I don't want illegal drugs in my house, let alone the house where a small child lives.) Start documenting the son's behavior as much as you can, both drug use and violence. Everything.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 21:51     Subject: Step-son Moving Back In
Also - he’s probably self-medicating for untreated mental illness.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 21:49     Subject: Step-son Moving Back In
If he overdosed, he’s doing more than pot — that is certain. And if it caused psychosis, then he’s doing something that can cause volatility, like meth.yoir young child cannot bad around that.

If your DH thinks that his son overdosed on pot, then that’s part of the problem — he’s not recognizing the extent of the drug use, perhaps?

Is the boy’s mom a volatile person? What’s going on with the broken doors and windows at her house and why does your DH think it would be better at your house? Need more context.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 20:44     Subject: Step-son Moving Back In
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would move myself and my child (or my H and step son) into an apartment for a few months. You can likely find something furnished with a short lease. I don’t think your H is making the right choice, but if he feels he must do this, then you need to protect your child. He can help his son to stability while keeping your child from living with an active addict with violent tendencies. It will be expensive, but less expensive than divorce.


OP here. I’d do this is in a heartbeat. I already agreed that DSS can spend all the time he wants here during the day while my kid isn’t here and for short periods while she is. Those times have all been pretty calm. I think it’s whats encouraging my husband that moving in would be just as calm and simple as these “respites” and then DSS would make progress. My concern is that his time here is calm precisely because we are asking if he is smoking or dealing with any rules. If we say something that upsets him, we back off. If he moves in, it’s different.


Sorry, utterly exhausted and typing on phone... we are /not/ asking if he is smoking or dealing with any rules
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 20:39     Subject: Step-son Moving Back In
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why OP thinks she will lose custody of her daughter if her husband leaves over this.

Either OP is full of it and this is an excuse to play victim, or there’s something problematic in OP’s history that she’s withholding. Either way, her credibility is suspect here.


OP here. I don’t think I’d lose custody. I just don’t think my husband would either. My understating is that it’s a huge bar to completely lose custody. I don’t know why people think a brother in the house who uses THC and broke a window at his moms house would be enough. My husband is smart, wealthy, legally knowledgeable, and has a history of fighting hard for custody. I’m surprised this has become a sticking point, as my general impression from this board is that divorce means 50/50 in the vast majority of cases. My husband hasn’t even caved and let him back yet. Leaving seems really premature.

Then why did you say you might lose custody?


Op here. I apologize. I just reread what I wrote, and meant lose a portion of custody. Like I said, my understanding is that that is the outcome the vast majority of the time, so I incorrectly wrote as if that were implicit. Yes, realistically I would expect 50/50 which would mean she would be alone in the situation half the time.

Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 20:31     Subject: Step-son Moving Back In
Anonymous wrote:I would move myself and my child (or my H and step son) into an apartment for a few months. You can likely find something furnished with a short lease. I don’t think your H is making the right choice, but if he feels he must do this, then you need to protect your child. He can help his son to stability while keeping your child from living with an active addict with violent tendencies. It will be expensive, but less expensive than divorce.


OP here. I’d do this is in a heartbeat. I already agreed that DSS can spend all the time he wants here during the day while my kid isn’t here and for short periods while she is. Those times have all been pretty calm. I think it’s whats encouraging my husband that moving in would be just as calm and simple as these “respites” and then DSS would make progress. My concern is that his time here is calm precisely because we are asking if he is smoking or dealing with any rules. If we say something that upsets him, we back off. If he moves in, it’s different.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 20:29     Subject: Step-son Moving Back In
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why OP thinks she will lose custody of her daughter if her husband leaves over this.

Either OP is full of it and this is an excuse to play victim, or there’s something problematic in OP’s history that she’s withholding. Either way, her credibility is suspect here.


OP here. I don’t think I’d lose custody. I just don’t think my husband would either. My understating is that it’s a huge bar to completely lose custody. I don’t know why people think a brother in the house who uses THC and broke a window at his moms house would be enough. My husband is smart, wealthy, legally knowledgeable, and has a history of fighting hard for custody. I’m surprised this has become a sticking point, as my general impression from this board is that divorce means 50/50 in the vast majority of cases. My husband hasn’t even caved and let him back yet. Leaving seems really premature.

Then why did you say you might lose custody?
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 20:28     Subject: Step-son Moving Back In
Op here. Ack! I was thinking of identify possible weapons so they could be secured or avoided. I got rid of a utility knives, moved tools to the locked garage, etc.


This is utter insanity. If you fear for your safety and the safety enough to get rid of the utility knives, you have your answer right there. What on earth makes you think that this guy won't break a window, which he has a demonstrated record of doing, and then use one of the shards of glass to threaten you or your child?

You have used every opportunity to in this thread to offer excuses why removing yourself and your daughter from this frightening situation just won't work . . .


That is exactly what happened in my house. My son (mental illness and a teenager) broke glass and used it as a weapon. I also have a younger daughter. The effort and cost to keep her safe was unbelievable. The weapon glass occurred early after onset of symptoms so we were not at the point where treatment had been refused or had failed. But the unbelievable hell that became our lives is something you can’t imagine.

OP, if you work, you might want to be thinking about how you are going to keep your daughter away from the house when you are not there and by your side when you are. My daughter became a target and the dynamics in your family (divorced dad, new child who has no problems and is probably cute, lovable, etc. ) May put your daughter at risk. Trust me. It takes seconds for a serious injury to happen and you can’t always prevent it even when you are right there. You will soon find out who your friends are because when you have to repeatedly ask for help, they drop off.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 20:26     Subject: Step-son Moving Back In
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why OP thinks she will lose custody of her daughter if her husband leaves over this.

Either OP is full of it and this is an excuse to play victim, or there’s something problematic in OP’s history that she’s withholding. Either way, her credibility is suspect here.


OP here. I don’t think I’d lose custody. I just don’t think my husband would either. My understating is that it’s a huge bar to completely lose custody. I don’t know why people think a brother in the house who uses THC and broke a window at his moms house would be enough. My husband is smart, wealthy, legally knowledgeable, and has a history of fighting hard for custody. I’m surprised this has become a sticking point, as my general impression from this board is that divorce means 50/50 in the vast majority of cases. My husband hasn’t even caved and let him back yet. Leaving seems really premature.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 20:19     Subject: Step-son Moving Back In
I would move myself and my child (or my H and step son) into an apartment for a few months. You can likely find something furnished with a short lease. I don’t think your H is making the right choice, but if he feels he must do this, then you need to protect your child. He can help his son to stability while keeping your child from living with an active addict with violent tendencies. It will be expensive, but less expensive than divorce.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 20:00     Subject: Step-son Moving Back In
Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why OP thinks she will lose custody of her daughter if her husband leaves over this.

Either OP is full of it and this is an excuse to play victim, or there’s something problematic in OP’s history that she’s withholding. Either way, her credibility is suspect here.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2019 19:51     Subject: Step-son Moving Back In
Anonymous wrote:OP here.... I should add, things are just short of personally violent at his moms. Broken doors, window glass, screaming, cursing, etc. my husband feels that it would be different here.
Your husband is in deep denial. I wouldn’t care if it was my biological kid there’s no way an active addict is moving in my home most especially if I have a young child in the home that’s not helpful to the addict, parents or the little kid.
your husband needs to pull his head out of his butt and stop endangering the rest of the family including the older son who needs to be in rehab or nowhere but not your damn house.