OP, please see a lawyer! Voluntary unemployment and underemployment can definitely affect an alimony award. (A judge would give a side eye in particular to a *lawyer* who voluntarily left law firm employment twice in that last decade. They know how this game all works...). I think you may be catastrophizing the financial impact of divorce. At the least, you need a clear picture of your future instead of just basing your decisions on (in my eyes, unlikely) worst case scenarios.

I am definitely in therapy. It is through the therapy- and general clearing of the fog that I am starting to think about long term plans.
Before it had been a 'this is untenable, but we have to keep moving'. this is more of trying to (finally) address issues that have built up.

once again, thanks.

OP, I think you need to breathe. Your posts are full of anxiety for the future. I know it's difficult with a SN child who will need what sounds like life long care. You're carrying the financial and more importantly the EMOTIONAL burden of this, and it is clearly clouding the way you are responding. You're stressed and unhappy and anxious.

I would suggest some counseling for yourself, but I have a feeling you'd say you were too busy and it cost too much. But what you need is someplace to share that emotional burden, because you are drowning right now. A paid therapist could do some wonders to just give you some clarity and a different perspective.

Maybe there are good things your husband is bringing to the marriage, but you just can't see them right now. Or maybe you are done with this marriage.

I'd also spend $500 and consult with a lawyer and learn what your options are. Given his age, do things change if you're still married when he's over 65 and then you decide to divorce? Given your income inequality, could he seek alimony or child support from you? Where would his health insurance come from? What protections exist for you? Could his threats come to any sort of fruition? Etc. DCUM gives notoriously bad, ill-informed advice on division of assets and divorce. Just having the full picture can help you decide what is best. Right now you don't know - knowledge gives you power. A layer might advise you, for example, to keep a record of who is watching your child, or who is spending/buying what to establish a pattern that his emotional outbursts can't match.

Hang in there. Do a little self care. Acquire knowledge. Take back your life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. It's crazy he has student loans at 60. Did he go to law school later in life? I'm not doubting you, I'm trying to say that this tells me you are correct that he is financially irresponsible. Have you been to counseling? Is it possible to separate finances and keep him on a budget? I understand your fear with his contract ending. Realistically if he's had a spotty work history and at his age, contract work may be the best he can do.

yes, law school at 30

I am trying hard to imagine what law school your DH could have gone to 30 YEARS AGO and still have such a huge loan balance. 30 years old is not “late in life” to be going to law school. 30 years ago was well before tuitions started getting crazy. 10 years ago would be another story.

He borrowed for both undergrad & law school. And I typed it wrong. Undergrad at 30. Law school at 35.

Still insanity.

+1. I also don't totally understand. Your DH went to law school approximately 20 years ago before the massive tuition hikes. I'm going to assume he didn't go to a T-14 school and that biglaw wasn't an option so maybe he's worked at lower tier law firms most of which don't pay very well. Still, he's had almost a 20 year work history and even if he deferred these loans it's hard to imagine how his loans could still be so high even in his late 50s. Also, even back then there were loan forgiveness programs. I think it was something called ICR (income contingent repayment) or something like that. How long have you guys been married? Maybe you can look into whether he is eligible for any loan forgiveness programs now although other than the public service one it's probably going to be a tough sell because he won't be working for 20 more years. Is he doing contract work like doc review? There is no future in that work and if he's tainted his resume with it he's probably not going to be able to get a better job other than maybe one of those VA board of appeals jobs.

OP, truly thank you everyone who took the time to reply and post. At the core- I appreciate your collective wisdom and expertise and simply investing in our lives. Even if by an online post.

There is not an easy solution- and I know that. Lots of things to consider and own up to.

Thank you, internet strangers. Truly.

You’re getting screwed over and so is your son. At his age, I don’t think there’s room for improvement. I would try to get out and salvage what I could fit my son and I. So sorry.

Anonymous wrote:Something is off, we have that income, a SN child and have paid for private school and/or therapies at a huge cost and are fine financially. Where is all the money going. It is not your husband's fault you have a SN child in less he abused him.

NP here - I feel like there is one poster posting over and over again nonsense like this.

OP, your husband being 60 and not contributing sounds very stressful and I don't blame you for venting. No easy answers. I don't know hoe he can be so irresponsible at that age! I think I would have 'made' him sign up for automatic monthly contributions to 401K, but he keeps switching jobs so that complicates things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op it seems like it’s worth a great deal that he is competent and loving with your SN son. It’s frankly priceless to your child. Imagine if you had a workaholic dh who made lots of money but couldn’t handle being around your kid. Maybe leaning back at work is what allows him to be patient and energetic and fun for your son.

Money isn’t everything. You are so anxious about your son’s future, I know. But you are fortunate in that many special needs families are not even able to put away what you do on your relatively high salary.

Can you let go of your expectations and disappointment over his monetary contribution go and focus on other things he provides? Can you find the things in him that made you love him before? Frankly having two parents together and happy is worth a great deal to your son, don’t assume money is the most important thing. If thats impossible for you, then focus on building a good support system because single parenting of a SN kid is a very tough road even with joint custody.

This is incredible advice and it’s depressing that it took almost 6 pages for someone to post something along these lines.

Well, I think that’s because it’s incredibly unrealistic in this situation. Mom is carrying almost all of the load here, financially, administratively, and emotionally. Dad doesn’t want to pick up more of the burden with the child. And Dad is 60-something. How long before Dad wants to “retire” and starts to have health issues.

OP, I’d get yourself to a lawyer and financial planner ASAP and figure out what’s best for you and your child financially. I think your SN child comes before Peter Pan. I certainly wouldn’t suggest you let your DH stop working to take on caregiver duties for your child. That seems like a great way for you to end up paying alimony.

Anonymous wrote:Op it seems like it’s worth a great deal that he is competent and loving with your SN son. It’s frankly priceless to your child. Imagine if you had a workaholic dh who made lots of money but couldn’t handle being around your kid. Maybe leaning back at work is what allows him to be patient and energetic and fun for your son.

Money isn’t everything. You are so anxious about your son’s future, I know. But you are fortunate in that many special needs families are not even able to put away what you do on your relatively high salary.

Can you let go of your expectations and disappointment over his monetary contribution go and focus on other things he provides? Can you find the things in him that made you love him before? Frankly having two parents together and happy is worth a great deal to your son, don’t assume money is the most important thing. If thats impossible for you, then focus on building a good support system because single parenting of a SN kid is a very tough road even with joint custody.

This is incredible advice and it’s depressing that it took almost 6 pages for someone to post something along these lines.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. It's crazy he has student loans at 60. Did he go to law school later in life? I'm not doubting you, I'm trying to say that this tells me you are correct that he is financially irresponsible. Have you been to counseling? Is it possible to separate finances and keep him on a budget? I understand your fear with his contract ending. Realistically if he's had a spotty work history and at his age, contract work may be the best he can do.

yes, law school at 30

I am trying hard to imagine what law school your DH could have gone to 30 YEARS AGO and still have such a huge loan balance. 30 years old is not “late in life” to be going to law school. 30 years ago was well before tuitions started getting crazy. 10 years ago would be another story.

He borrowed for both undergrad & law school. And I typed it wrong. Undergrad at 30. Law school at 35.

Still insanity.

+1. People with that amount of debt don’t have the luxury to do anything but biglaw. Maybe in-house (But those are hard to get) but certainly not “contracting.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. It's crazy he has student loans at 60. Did he go to law school later in life? I'm not doubting you, I'm trying to say that this tells me you are correct that he is financially irresponsible. Have you been to counseling? Is it possible to separate finances and keep him on a budget? I understand your fear with his contract ending. Realistically if he's had a spotty work history and at his age, contract work may be the best he can do.

yes, law school at 30

I am trying hard to imagine what law school your DH could have gone to 30 YEARS AGO and still have such a huge loan balance. 30 years old is not “late in life” to be going to law school. 30 years ago was well before tuitions started getting crazy. 10 years ago would be another story.

He borrowed for both undergrad & law school. And I typed it wrong. Undergrad at 30. Law school at 35.

Still insanity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t you know he had loans when you married and had a kid?

Yes. I feel like most folks have school loans. What I didn’t know is that he’d defer then for 3 years (which increased then frantically) & that our kid would have severe SN, that would require a lifetime of support. Support- that we’ll have to provide for

You are out of touch with reality. No, not most folks have school loans. My husband and I didn't have school loans when we got married. He paid off his loans before he turned 30, and I never have one to begin with. All of our kids went to colleges (private and public) on full scholarships, one got a grant for his master degree too.

Then, I don't know how old your child is, but, considering that both of you are older parents, I think it was very reasonable to expect that there is a high risk to have a child with a SN.
Why are you acting like you are surprised now?

Out of touch with reality? Pot, meet kettle

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound entitled. Your husband has a job. It’s not just the one you’d like him to have. He has had contracting positions in the past and he finds new ones. He is 60....you knew he was older when you had a a kid and that you’d be the one working longer. Take responsibility for your own actions and start advancing your own career. Tutoring is more lucrative than teaching. Try that on the side.

It’s not what he makes. It’s his loans & lack of savings for our kid. Our child will require long term care.
I don’t mind working. I love my job. But I feel like he will drag us down with him. Oh- & I’ve side hustled. Tutoring, babysitting ect. He always wants a cut of the profits (vs. just paying down expenses) because he has to do more childcare while I hustle.
I’m terrified that supporting him will leave my son vulnerable when we are gone.

He can't save at that rate and his "contracting" or "consulting" usually means no 401K or IRA either.

Why not divorce? Because he might ask for alimony. If he wouldn’t then yeah divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t you know he had loans when you married and had a kid?

Yes. I feel like most folks have school loans. What I didn’t know is that he’d defer then for 3 years (which increased then frantically) & that our kid would have severe SN, that would require a lifetime of support. Support- that we’ll have to provide for

You are out of touch with reality. No, not most folks have school loans. My husband and I didn't have school loans when we got married. He paid off his loans before he turned 30, and I never have one to begin with. All of our kids went to colleges (private and public) on full scholarships, one got a grant for his master degree too.

Then, I don't know how old your child is, but, considering that both of you are older parents, I think it was very reasonable to expect that there is a high risk to have a child with a SN.
Why are you acting like you are surprised now?

Wow. I’m always amazed at how horrible people are. You take the cake. - not OP and not in her situation