Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this counts: My spouse confronted me, I denied it, I had enough to plausibly deny and not enough evidence for spouse to confirm which gives spouse a sense of perhaps it didn't happen. But anyway, it did scare me straight and made me realize while it was fun it wasn't worth risking my family. Also, I now can spot the signs an affair is blossoming and cut it off before the next step.

You sound just like my husband. Denied and lied to me about everything he possibly could and explained everything away. But I did a lot of my own homework and found evidence to confirm much of what he lied about. Don't assume this won't happen to you. Do you feel any guilt about lying?

NP. This also happened to me. Spouse denied. I played detective. Spouse then acknowledged something but lied some more. I played detective some more, and found out spouse was lying. I kicked spouse out of house and have full custody of our children, who, because lying is corrosive to all relationships, have little respect for him even though they don't know about his cheating and lying vis-a-vis me.

I'm sure my now exDH thought he got away with it. It did take about 2 years to unravel fully. It's really sad that he lied when confronted - for me, because he wasted 2 years of my life and caused me even further pain; for him, because I was willing to reconcile, and further lying really killed that, and meant that he lived those two years with a sword of Damocles over his head, which was very anxiety provoking for him, and then the shock of having lost everything.

You might think you've gotten away with it, but you have no idea what your wife knows or doesn't know. She may leave you tomorrow or 10 years from now when the kids are grown.

Also, BTW, your pathologically sick for preferring to gaslight your wife (" I denied it, I had enough to plausibly deny and not enough evidence for spouse to confirm which gives spouse a sense of perhaps it didn't happen") than to accept any consequences from your own behavior (cheating). The fact that you stated that preference so clearly is really messed up. Hope you are in therapy and striving to be honest and make amends one day, but somehow I don't think that is the case.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I didn't read the comments past page one when it went off the rails.

I was the one cheated on so I can tell you what I would have liked to have happen to truly save the marriage as I was "all in" and would have stayed.

(1) Remorse; (2) Pursuit; (3) Commitment

(1) Empathy, remorse, contrite etc. Your wife (assuming you're a man) shouldn't hold it over your head forever. But, you have to try very hard to continue to be emphatic even if you wish she would get past it. I was happy to move on, but my wasband didn't show any remorse for what he did or indication that he wouldn't do it again.

(2) Pursue your spouse. Try to establish that connection again by speaking to her love language. Go on dates, write notes and leave them in places she will find them, check in to say hi during the day, do unusual things to show that you want to pursue her.

(3) Commitment. Show you are willing to put in the work to make your marriage better. That includes therapy as needed, and work to become a better partner/parent. Commitment can also be towards your family. Think of things that can be done that, in a small way, show your appreciation. Take the kids for ice cream one night so she gets a break. Unload the dishwasher without being asked. Come home early one day to make dinner or anything that is different than the norm.

In the end, it takes two people to re-establish that emotional and physical connection, but if you show you are "all in" that will go a long way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this counts: My spouse confronted me, I denied it, I had enough to plausibly deny and not enough evidence for spouse to confirm which gives spouse a sense of perhaps it didn't happen. But anyway, it did scare me straight and made me realize while it was fun it wasn't worth risking my family. Also, I now can spot the signs an affair is blossoming and cut it off before the next step.

You sound just like my husband. Denied and lied to me about everything he possibly could and explained everything away. But I did a lot of my own homework and found evidence to confirm much of what he lied about. Don't assume this won't happen to you. Do you feel any guilt about lying?

Anonymous wrote:You show completely remorse - an understanding of how your actions impacted your spouse and kids (directly or through the impact on your spouse).

You provide transparency and answer honestly any questions your spouse wants answered. You make sure that if you are holding some info back (to protect your spouse) or if you have lied about anything - that you come clean. Finding out new or changed details later is often the nail in the coffin.

You accept that you swung a wrecking ball through the house that is your marriage. Whether or not the foundation is still intact enough to rebuild on takes time to determine.

Realize that for the first 2-3 years after discovering the affair, your spouses processing of the event and feelings about it will continue to change. You need to accept that months from now there can be periods of mistrust or anger or a need to revisit it. It is a loss and there is grief and it takes time to process.

Visit survivinginfidelity website. they have a forum on reconciling and first hand experiences from people who have been both successful and unsuccessful at reconciling.

Anonymous wrote:If this counts: My spouse confronted me, I denied it, I had enough to plausibly deny and not enough evidence for spouse to confirm which gives spouse a sense of perhaps it didn't happen. But anyway, it did scare me straight and made me realize while it was fun it wasn't worth risking my family. Also, I now can spot the signs an affair is blossoming and cut it off before the next step.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ONS prior to marriage. I was at a bad place in my life for a variety of reasons, primarily unemployment that just impacted me in a particularly negative way. Nothing to do with her, I just couldn't handle life at that point and slowly imploded in a variety of unhealthy ways that culminated in a ONS.

Turns out OW got pregnant...talk about bad luck. Other than paying CS I am completely no contact with her. I would completely block her from e-mail but I have to pay my pro rata share of the medical bills.

This happened about ten years ago so I don't remember many of the details about how we got through it. Obviously, she was very upset and I felt horrible for failing her and myself so badly. Probably at least once a day I think about how badly I screwed up. My current financial penance is working a job I don't particularly like but pays enough that the CS does not financially impact us.

Focus on being a good father, in addition to paying the child support. A good wife will forgive you, and support you being a good father.

He already said he doesn't have any contact with her. She chose to have the child which he probably didn't have a say. His choice is to make a family with his wife.

That's messed up...
Dude you ain't got no contact with you kid at all???

Why should he? Because of obligation? That won't make a good father. Either be a 100%, or completely get out of the situation.

The worst thing for a child is a guy in and out of their life. Honestly, if my spouse/bf got another woman pregnant I would be out of there. If I were to stay he would have to completely get rid of this woman, kid of not. A sperm donor means nothing. I think when you decide to have a child, and aren't in a relationship you need to accept all the responsibility. His is only financial which he is meeting.

You need to STFU. Seriously.
I don't know what your educational background is, I don't know what kind of family environment you grew up in but one thing is painfully obvious and that is despite your brazen claim to know with such certainty what the "worst thing for a child is" you don't know jack shit about the disparate effects that an absent father has on a child.

A "father" is someone that takes a active role in raising the child.

He is not a father. Hopefully the bm is a good mother, and her side of the family are good male role models.

You tell that to any number of the hundreds of thousands of kids out here with all kinds of depression and anger management issues stemming from the all too familiar refrain, "I never knew my daddy."
You tell them that they can easily just toss their psychological and emotional issues aside and be happy, confident, successful and content in their lives despite their claims that his absence caused so much trauma because according to your nice and neat definition, technically that guy they never knew isn't a father so they needn't waste any time thinking about him or feeling anything about him.
You tell them that despite mommy telling them what a degenerate irresponsible immoral piece of crap he is the fact that his blood runs thru their veins and the fact that they are partially comprised of his DNA is totally irrelevant.
You tell that to any number of the 8 year-olds acting out in school with absent-daddy issues.
You tell that to any number of the 15 year-olds cutting themselves or turning to drugs with absent-daddy issues.
You tell that to any number of the 30 and 40-something year-olds who are sitting in therapists offices every week to discuss their absent-daddy issues.
You tell them that the man they never knew is not a father and therefore irrelevant so TA-DAAA...problems solved.

Like I said - you need to STFU.

These types of guys weren't ever going to be fathers. The kids with issues stem from all kinds of situations, and yes with two parents in the home as well. Many of these guys shouldn't be around the kids.

Really?
Don't even try and act like you know what type of person someone is destined to be or what challenges an individual can rise up to in life. Are you trying to say you're omnipotent?
You're saying you can just read a few sentences summing up the basics of some dudes extramarital affair and your super-clairvoyant powers of prediction automatically know that not only he but that no guys like him ever step up to be fathers?
Wow.
Either your ego is ridiculously immense (I'm surprised your big head can fit in this solar system) or you are smoking some SERIOUS hallucinogenics. I'm thinking it's probably the latter because your arrogant claim to know the ways and wiles of people you don't even know and also claim to know their potential and predict their future is an altogether STUPID assertion - way too stupid for anybody to want to egotistically boast about, so you must be high as sh*t.
I say again...STFU.

Once again you wrote a ton without saying anything. I commented on that "dudes" post saying he wasn't a father by choice. Many like him, a fact. Yes some step up.

I would stop projecting and continue to use your big words.."STFU".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ONS prior to marriage. I was at a bad place in my life for a variety of reasons, primarily unemployment that just impacted me in a particularly negative way. Nothing to do with her, I just couldn't handle life at that point and slowly imploded in a variety of unhealthy ways that culminated in a ONS.

Turns out OW got pregnant...talk about bad luck. Other than paying CS I am completely no contact with her. I would completely block her from e-mail but I have to pay my pro rata share of the medical bills.

This happened about ten years ago so I don't remember many of the details about how we got through it. Obviously, she was very upset and I felt horrible for failing her and myself so badly. Probably at least once a day I think about how badly I screwed up. My current financial penance is working a job I don't particularly like but pays enough that the CS does not financially impact us.

Focus on being a good father, in addition to paying the child support. A good wife will forgive you, and support you being a good father.

He already said he doesn't have any contact with her. She chose to have the child which he probably didn't have a say. His choice is to make a family with his wife.

That's messed up...
Dude you ain't got no contact with you kid at all???

Why should he? Because of obligation? That won't make a good father. Either be a 100%, or completely get out of the situation.

The worst thing for a child is a guy in and out of their life. Honestly, if my spouse/bf got another woman pregnant I would be out of there. If I were to stay he would have to completely get rid of this woman, kid of not. A sperm donor means nothing. I think when you decide to have a child, and aren't in a relationship you need to accept all the responsibility. His is only financial which he is meeting.

You need to STFU. Seriously.
I don't know what your educational background is, I don't know what kind of family environment you grew up in but one thing is painfully obvious and that is despite your brazen claim to know with such certainty what the "worst thing for a child is" you don't know jack shit about the disparate effects that an absent father has on a child.

A "father" is someone that takes a active role in raising the child.

He is not a father. Hopefully the bm is a good mother, and her side of the family are good male role models.

You tell that to any number of the hundreds of thousands of kids out here with all kinds of depression and anger management issues stemming from the all too familiar refrain, "I never knew my daddy."
You tell them that they can easily just toss their psychological and emotional issues aside and be happy, confident, successful and content in their lives despite their claims that his absence caused so much trauma because according to your nice and neat definition, technically that guy they never knew isn't a father so they needn't waste any time thinking about him or feeling anything about him.
You tell them that despite mommy telling them what a degenerate irresponsible immoral piece of crap he is the fact that his blood runs thru their veins and the fact that they are partially comprised of his DNA is totally irrelevant.
You tell that to any number of the 8 year-olds acting out in school with absent-daddy issues.
You tell that to any number of the 15 year-olds cutting themselves or turning to drugs with absent-daddy issues.
You tell that to any number of the 30 and 40-something year-olds who are sitting in therapists offices every week to discuss their absent-daddy issues.
You tell them that the man they never knew is not a father and therefore irrelevant so TA-DAAA...problems solved.

Like I said - you need to STFU.

These types of guys weren't ever going to be fathers. The kids with issues stem from all kinds of situations, and yes with two parents in the home as well. Many of these guys shouldn't be around the kids.

Really?
Don't even try and act like you know what type of person someone is destined to be or what challenges an individual can rise up to in life. Are you trying to say you're omnipotent?
You're saying you can just read a few sentences summing up the basics of some dudes extramarital affair and your super-clairvoyant powers of prediction automatically know that not only he but that no guys like him ever step up to be fathers?
Wow.
Either your ego is ridiculously immense (I'm surprised your big head can fit in this solar system) or you are smoking some SERIOUS hallucinogenics. I'm thinking it's probably the latter because your arrogant claim to know the ways and wiles of people you don't even know and also claim to know their potential and predict their future is an altogether STUPID assertion - way too stupid for anybody to want to egotistically boast about, so you must be high as sh*t.
I say again...STFU.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ONS prior to marriage. I was at a bad place in my life for a variety of reasons, primarily unemployment that just impacted me in a particularly negative way. Nothing to do with her, I just couldn't handle life at that point and slowly imploded in a variety of unhealthy ways that culminated in a ONS.

Turns out OW got pregnant...talk about bad luck. Other than paying CS I am completely no contact with her. I would completely block her from e-mail but I have to pay my pro rata share of the medical bills.

This happened about ten years ago so I don't remember many of the details about how we got through it. Obviously, she was very upset and I felt horrible for failing her and myself so badly. Probably at least once a day I think about how badly I screwed up. My current financial penance is working a job I don't particularly like but pays enough that the CS does not financially impact us.

Focus on being a good father, in addition to paying the child support. A good wife will forgive you, and support you being a good father.

He already said he doesn't have any contact with her. She chose to have the child which he probably didn't have a say. His choice is to make a family with his wife.

That's messed up...
Dude you ain't got no contact with you kid at all???

Why should he? Because of obligation? That won't make a good father. Either be a 100%, or completely get out of the situation.

The worst thing for a child is a guy in and out of their life. Honestly, if my spouse/bf got another woman pregnant I would be out of there. If I were to stay he would have to completely get rid of this woman, kid of not. A sperm donor means nothing. I think when you decide to have a child, and aren't in a relationship you need to accept all the responsibility. His is only financial which he is meeting.

You need to STFU. Seriously.
I don't know what your educational background is, I don't know what kind of family environment you grew up in but one thing is painfully obvious and that is despite your brazen claim to know with such certainty what the "worst thing for a child is" you don't know jack shit about the disparate effects that an absent father has on a child.

A "father" is someone that takes a active role in raising the child.

He is not a father. Hopefully the bm is a good mother, and her side of the family are good male role models.

You tell that to any number of the hundreds of thousands of kids out here with all kinds of depression and anger management issues stemming from the all too familiar refrain, "I never knew my daddy."
You tell them that they can easily just toss their psychological and emotional issues aside and be happy, confident, successful and content in their lives despite their claims that his absence caused so much trauma because according to your nice and neat definition, technically that guy they never knew isn't a father so they needn't waste any time thinking about him or feeling anything about him.
You tell them that despite mommy telling them what a degenerate irresponsible immoral piece of crap he is the fact that his blood runs thru their veins and the fact that they are partially comprised of his DNA is totally irrelevant.
You tell that to any number of the 8 year-olds acting out in school with absent-daddy issues.
You tell that to any number of the 15 year-olds cutting themselves or turning to drugs with absent-daddy issues.
You tell that to any number of the 30 and 40-something year-olds who are sitting in therapists offices every week to discuss their absent-daddy issues.
You tell them that the man they never knew is not a father and therefore irrelevant so TA-DAAA...problems solved.

Like I said - you need to STFU.

These types of guys weren't ever going to be fathers. The kids with issues stem from all kinds of situations, and yes with two parents in the home as well. Many of these guys shouldn't be around the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ONS prior to marriage. I was at a bad place in my life for a variety of reasons, primarily unemployment that just impacted me in a particularly negative way. Nothing to do with her, I just couldn't handle life at that point and slowly imploded in a variety of unhealthy ways that culminated in a ONS.

Turns out OW got pregnant...talk about bad luck. Other than paying CS I am completely no contact with her. I would completely block her from e-mail but I have to pay my pro rata share of the medical bills.

This happened about ten years ago so I don't remember many of the details about how we got through it. Obviously, she was very upset and I felt horrible for failing her and myself so badly. Probably at least once a day I think about how badly I screwed up. My current financial penance is working a job I don't particularly like but pays enough that the CS does not financially impact us.

Focus on being a good father, in addition to paying the child support. A good wife will forgive you, and support you being a good father.

He already said he doesn't have any contact with her. She chose to have the child which he probably didn't have a say. His choice is to make a family with his wife.

That's messed up...
Dude you ain't got no contact with you kid at all???

Why should he? Because of obligation? That won't make a good father. Either be a 100%, or completely get out of the situation.

The worst thing for a child is a guy in and out of their life. Honestly, if my spouse/bf got another woman pregnant I would be out of there. If I were to stay he would have to completely get rid of this woman, kid of not. A sperm donor means nothing. I think when you decide to have a child, and aren't in a relationship you need to accept all the responsibility. His is only financial which he is meeting.

You need to STFU. Seriously.
I don't know what your educational background is, I don't know what kind of family environment you grew up in but one thing is painfully obvious and that is despite your brazen claim to know with such certainty what the "worst thing for a child is" you don't know jack shit about the disparate effects that an absent father has on a child.

A "father" is someone that takes a active role in raising the child.

He is not a father. Hopefully the bm is a good mother, and her side of the family are good male role models.

You tell that to any number of the hundreds of thousands of kids out here with all kinds of depression and anger management issues stemming from the all too familiar refrain, "I never knew my daddy."
You tell them that they can easily just toss their psychological and emotional issues aside and be happy, confident, successful and content in their lives despite their claims that his absence caused so much trauma because according to your nice and neat definition, technically that guy they never knew isn't a father so they needn't waste any time thinking about him or feeling anything about him.
You tell them that despite mommy telling them what a degenerate irresponsible immoral piece of crap he is the fact that his blood runs thru their veins and the fact that they are partially comprised of his DNA is totally irrelevant.
You tell that to any number of the 8 year-olds acting out in school with absent-daddy issues.
You tell that to any number of the 15 year-olds cutting themselves or turning to drugs with absent-daddy issues.
You tell that to any number of the 30 and 40-something year-olds who are sitting in therapists offices every week to discuss their absent-daddy issues.
You tell them that the man they never knew is not a father and therefore irrelevant so TA-DAAA...problems solved.

Like I said - you need to STFU.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ONS prior to marriage. I was at a bad place in my life for a variety of reasons, primarily unemployment that just impacted me in a particularly negative way. Nothing to do with her, I just couldn't handle life at that point and slowly imploded in a variety of unhealthy ways that culminated in a ONS.

Turns out OW got pregnant...talk about bad luck. Other than paying CS I am completely no contact with her. I would completely block her from e-mail but I have to pay my pro rata share of the medical bills.

This happened about ten years ago so I don't remember many of the details about how we got through it. Obviously, she was very upset and I felt horrible for failing her and myself so badly. Probably at least once a day I think about how badly I screwed up. My current financial penance is working a job I don't particularly like but pays enough that the CS does not financially impact us.

Focus on being a good father, in addition to paying the child support. A good wife will forgive you, and support you being a good father.

He already said he doesn't have any contact with her. She chose to have the child which he probably didn't have a say. His choice is to make a family with his wife.

That's messed up...
Dude you ain't got no contact with you kid at all???

Why should he? Because of obligation? That won't make a good father. Either be a 100%, or completely get out of the situation.

The worst thing for a child is a guy in and out of their life. Honestly, if my spouse/bf got another woman pregnant I would be out of there. If I were to stay he would have to completely get rid of this woman, kid of not. A sperm donor means nothing. I think when you decide to have a child, and aren't in a relationship you need to accept all the responsibility. His is only financial which he is meeting.

You need to STFU. Seriously.
I don't know what your educational background is, I don't know what kind of family environment you grew up in but one thing is painfully obvious and that is despite your brazen claim to know with such certainty what the "worst thing for a child is" you don't know jack shit about the disparate effects that an absent father has on a child.

A "father" is someone that takes a active role in raising the child.

He is not a father. Hopefully the bm is a good mother, and her side of the family are good male role models.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ONS prior to marriage. I was at a bad place in my life for a variety of reasons, primarily unemployment that just impacted me in a particularly negative way. Nothing to do with her, I just couldn't handle life at that point and slowly imploded in a variety of unhealthy ways that culminated in a ONS.

Turns out OW got pregnant...talk about bad luck. Other than paying CS I am completely no contact with her. I would completely block her from e-mail but I have to pay my pro rata share of the medical bills.

This happened about ten years ago so I don't remember many of the details about how we got through it. Obviously, she was very upset and I felt horrible for failing her and myself so badly. Probably at least once a day I think about how badly I screwed up. My current financial penance is working a job I don't particularly like but pays enough that the CS does not financially impact us.

Focus on being a good father, in addition to paying the child support. A good wife will forgive you, and support you being a good father.

He already said he doesn't have any contact with her. She chose to have the child which he probably didn't have a say. His choice is to make a family with his wife.

That's messed up...
Dude you ain't got no contact with you kid at all???

Why should he? Because of obligation? That won't make a good father. Either be a 100%, or completely get out of the situation.

The worst thing for a child is a guy in and out of their life. Honestly, if my spouse/bf got another woman pregnant I would be out of there. If I were to stay he would have to completely get rid of this woman, kid of not. A sperm donor means nothing. I think when you decide to have a child, and aren't in a relationship you need to accept all the responsibility. His is only financial which he is meeting.

You need to STFU. Seriously.
I don't know what your educational background is, I don't know what kind of family environment you grew up in but one thing is painfully obvious and that is despite your brazen claim to know with such certainty what the "worst thing for a child is" you don't know jack shit about the disparate effects that an absent father has on a child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, wow this really went off the rails. There was no lack of sex in my marriage and no one “deserved” what I did. I really wish this open marriage lunatic would get out of every thread.

There are multiple "lunatics" who post varying degrees of the basic idea that a sexless marriage means the sex still happens outside (whether sanctioned or not). Note that the "declared open marriage" concept is 100% anti cheating (which I thought you would support).