Anonymous wrote:It’s ok OP, I have been there.
Not ideal but it’s life.
Just don’t have him talk to a school counselor as I was reported to CPS in a similar situation. To add insult to injury, the counselor was pretty useless for the problem she was supposed to solve.

Ie. don’t let your child tell anyone you beat them, because no one will help you whip them into shape. I was hoping the counselor would help me best my child into submission, but they would only help me with parenting skills I didn’t want to apply.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not have let him miss the bus. Obviously, not your best parenting moment, but hang in there. Tomorrow is another day. When I make parenting mistakes, I own up to it with my kids at the end of the day, and they are forgiving. But, I do tell them *why* I was so upset, and they usually apologize if they did wrong, and own up to it.

I think you were in a tough spot. How do you make a child get on the bus if the child physically refuses to budge? I have seen parents allow their kids to not take the bus, and instead the parent will drive them to school. IMO, that's just giving in to your kid's tantrum.

They walk to school, with the parent following in the car, to be sure they’re safe. Parent signs them in, and they take whatever consequences are for being late, including a possible zero on the test, if they missed it.

And if they refuse to leave the house like in OP's kid's case?

I knew someone whose 12 year old refused to leave the house to go to school.

It’s ok OP, I have been there.
Not ideal but it’s life.
Just don’t have him talk to a school counselor as I was reported to CPS in a similar situation. To add insult to injury, the counselor was pretty useless for the problem she was supposed to solve.

Anonymous wrote:Shut up. Seriously. People defending hitting your kids in lieu of giving in? Unbelievable. I would rather not parent that way, no thanks k you. There is no excuse for hitting a child. Ever.

And tactical hits? GTFO. You are an abuser, pp. Period.

Yawn

This is a 10 year old. Reporting for a move to teen/preteen.

I would have let my kid miss the bus after explaining the consequences of doing so (which would have been designed to make them want to get on the bus). You can force younger kids to do stuff sometimes, but it won't last and it doesn't help them learn how to weigh consequences and motivate themselves. If the kid makes a decision in the moment b/c it's easy at that moment, then they have to deal with difficult consequences (which can require some discipline on parent's part in following through), it usually doesn't take too long for them to figure out that it wasn't worth it and next time they make a better choice. (I think this applies to kids who are squarely in the typical/average behavioral range - which sounded like yours is. I know that things get harder with kids who are more difficult or have emotional/behavioral issues).

Also agree with PP who mentioned the need to apologize. Kids should understand that adults and parents make mistakes and have an example of how to appropriately face those mistakes. Done right, I think it'll rebuild some respect/trust.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not have let him miss the bus. Obviously, not your best parenting moment, but hang in there. Tomorrow is another day. When I make parenting mistakes, I own up to it with my kids at the end of the day, and they are forgiving. But, I do tell them *why* I was so upset, and they usually apologize if they did wrong, and own up to it.

I think you were in a tough spot. How do you make a child get on the bus if the child physically refuses to budge? I have seen parents allow their kids to not take the bus, and instead the parent will drive them to school. IMO, that's just giving in to your kid's tantrum.

They walk to school, with the parent following in the car, to be sure they’re safe. Parent signs them in, and they take whatever consequences are for being late, including a possible zero on the test, if they missed it.

Talk to the child, make sure they understand that there are positive and negative consequences. Redirect attention. Allow kids to feel the consequences of their actions, instead of rescuing them. Block physical blows and remove oral issues (headphones or different location). Last resort, immobilize a child bent on hurting themselves and/or others. But don’t hurt them. It teaches fear and that a parent is the arbiter or consequences, rather than focusing their attention on their behavior as the cause of the consequence.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to develop better parenting tools. What is your plan for if this happens in the future? Why is he afraid to fail a test? What will you do to him then?

You said "I had to smack him." You need to take a good hard look at yourself. People here tend to encourage parents to forgive themselves and let it go, etc. No. What you did is abusive.

eh.. we all make parenting mistakes. I'm sure the kid is no worse for wear. Did OP smack the kid on the face, on the behind, upside the head? Those are all different, imo, and I actually did experience some abuse as a kid. I can tell the difference between actual abuse and a smack on the backside.

I have never made a parenting mistake that ended in my getting physical with my kid. And she's 16 so I think if it were going to happen, it would have already. I was also abused as a kid, which is a big part of why I swore I would never hit my child. I have dug my nails into my palms, I've screamed, but I refuse to physically intimidate or hurt my kid.

BTW, the child psychologists who say "Well if you MUST spank, I guess it's KIND of okay..." always say it should NOT be done out of anger. The point is to discipline. The latin root of "discipline" is pupil, or more broadly, to teach. The point of discipline of any kind, should be to teach. What OP's son was taught this morning is that his mom lost control and lashed out physically at him. Let's not sugar coat abuse.

All of this. My mother used to smack me on my face when she got mad at something I did. I never once thought of it as discipline. I swore to myself I'd never smack or hit my kids.

It's okay to admit that you had an overreaction in a bad moment and need to take a step back and talk about it with your older kid once they are home. Apologize for smacking, note that adults are sometimes wrong, and ask how you can both improve in the future (you working on your anger, him working on prepping for school). But you HAD to smack him? No, you didn't.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Kids came home. DS and I had a gear to heart. He apologized before I did and then I also apologized. He is singing and playing around the house. I don’t think this has scarred him for life.

And he said his test was easy.

Great it worked out OP, and no, that one incident wouldn't scared him for life. Some people really need some perspective, or therapy.

Let this be a lesson to you. For some of us, at our angriest hitting or yelling never crosses our minds, for others anger makes us lash out. I think that's just temperament. Find what works for you when feel yourself growing angry at his behavior. Walk away, take ten deep breaths, hold an ice cube (the changes your physical response), whatever works.

Of course one time won't be scarring. But if the lesson OP takes way is that her kid seems fine, she could repeat the behavior. And then repeat it again. Forgive yourself and move on, but as PP says, develop strategies so it does not happen again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Kids came home. DS and I had a gear to heart. He apologized before I did and then I also apologized. He is singing and playing around the house. I don’t think this has scarred him for life.

And he said his test was easy.

Great it worked out OP, and no, that one incident wouldn't scared him for life. Some people really need some perspective, or therapy.

Let this be a lesson to you. For some of us, at our angriest hitting or yelling never crosses our minds, for others anger makes us lash out. I think that's just temperament. Find what works for you when feel yourself growing angry at his behavior. Walk away, take ten deep breaths, hold an ice cube (the changes your physical response), whatever works.

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not have let him miss the bus. Obviously, not your best parenting moment, but hang in there. Tomorrow is another day. When I make parenting mistakes, I own up to it with my kids at the end of the day, and they are forgiving. But, I do tell them *why* I was so upset, and they usually apologize if they did wrong, and own up to it.

I think you were in a tough spot. How do you make a child get on the bus if the child physically refuses to budge? I have seen parents allow their kids to not take the bus, and instead the parent will drive them to school. IMO, that's just giving in to your kid's tantrum.

They walk to school, with the parent following in the car, to be sure they’re safe. Parent signs them in, and they take whatever consequences are for being late, including a possible zero on the test, if they missed it.

0823- you really think that hitting children is the differn ce between raising a snowflake and not?

Shut up. Seriously. People defending hitting your kids in lieu of giving in? Unbelievable. I would rather not parent that way, no thanks k you. There is no excuse for hitting a child. Ever.

And tactical hits? GTFO. You are an abuser, pp. Period.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you're having such a bad week.

Personally I would rather give into a power struggle like that than deal with the potential negative ramifications of hitting my kid (all the research out there doesn't seem to support hitting). You could always telll the teacher he intentionally missed the test and let the teacher deal with the consequences.

Anyway, this is just one small event, I would try not to stress about it too much.

so you would give in to him missing school to not get into a fight? welcome to the generation of snowflakes, how is that working out for you?

PARENT YOUR CHILDREN

+1 A child that young doesn't have the perspective to realize this kind of behavior is a big deal. That's the job of the parent.

What research shows that it's better to give in to power struggles with your kid? You don't think this leads to negative ramifications down the road?

maybe you all should read what that poster said. If you're at an emotional point where your choice is to give in to a power struggle or smack your kid, she is saying she would choose giving into the power struggle.

Not that you would always given to the power struggle. You know, you don't have to be 100% consistent all the time, especially if it's going to lead you to being violent and angry.

on occasion, you have to just step back from the situation and handle your own emotions before things go sideways.


Also, you have no idea how dated and simple you sound using the played out word snowflakes. Give it up

So your solution is to walk away and let the kid miss school. How does that play out when the kid hits the teen years and *really* doesn't want to go to school? I love my kids too much to let them think they can miss school just because they don't feel like it.

I *really* don't care how dated I sound. I don't parent by what's currently in fashion. IMO, that's how we ended up with so many snowflakes.

You're STILL NOT LISTENING. No. My solution would to have been not to let it escalate to that point.

But I wasn't in that situation. It's okay to recalibrate and "give in" on occasion if you need to stop and reassess your methods and emotional health.

One instance of giving in isn't going to lead to your tired " snowflake syndrome."

If people aren't perfect in every instance, others like you come out with the " parent your kid" canard, as if that isn't what that poster was saying she would do.

Make soon room for nuance, yeah?

And one instance of a smack isn't going to ruin that child for life.

I'm the one saying parents aren't perfect. In this case, I think OP did parent her kid, just maybe not the way it should've been handled. But unlike some people, I don't judge OP for losing her sh1t in the situation she was in.

I find that parents who give in don't do so just the *one time*, but it turns out to be *just the one time* many times over. In that case, yes, I would say parent your kid. Again, it's why we have so many snowflakes around.

Anonymous wrote:^^ PS: if you're kid doesn't watch TV or have tech, then take away something else they highly value. They play outside after school? Nope. Not today, or tomorrow. That's the deal if he misses the bus. You have to play hardball.

If you can't physically get your job on the bus, how are you physically going to prevent your child from leaving the house to play outside?