Anonymous
Post 03/29/2019 13:36     Subject: DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Okay sounds like opinions are split. Just to clarify I am a doctor so capable of making a good salary. We are careful with money. I have encouraged him to consider a less stressful job. I try to be supportive but at some point I don't get vthe point of being in a relationship with someone who can't spare 5 minutes at 830 at night to check in with family.


You are really committed to turning the facts of his crappy job into a character flaw he has. This will end badly if you can’t stop.


Not taking a few minutes to connect with family is a character flaw. My dad works in a male-dominated field and says he can always tell when a man's wife has had a child because the man starts spending more and more time at work and taking less vacation time. (I only mention the male-dominated field thing because I work in a female-dominated field and have not had the opportunity to notice this, or not, for myself.)


Ah, comparing your dad to your DH, always a good approach

Seriously, what is your situation? Can he downsize to a $140 GS14 gig tomorrow, and nothing changes? Or do you have private school, big house, etc?
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2019 13:31     Subject: DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is an associate in big law. I know the hours are long but is this what other spouses of big law deal with? How do you manage?


1) have an au pair
2) have twice weekly maid service
3) have an independent social life
4) work my own high demands high pay job


Or you leave big law for mid-size or a boutique firm, ideally in a mid-sized city. Less $$$, but much better hours and lower COL.

Then you become integrated into the (much smaller and more accessible) legal/business community there, and additional opportunities will come your way in a few years.

B/c you're smart and haven't overextended yourself financially, you can take those opportunities.

So now you have quality of life and $$$. Maybe not big law partner $$$, but it's a helluva nice life.



Yikes careful reading must not matter in your third tier city. The question was how spouses manage.


Snark is so much fun. Best way for spouse to manage is for family to change the situation.

It's not sustainable in the long run.

Signed,
Top10 LS, Big Law escapee, Third-tier city goober
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2019 13:22     Subject: DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I do work but I have had to cut down on my hours because he is unable to adjust his work schedule. I know he is busy but I feel like he has to make some time for family. I guess I am really mad because this issue has come up several times this week because we are on break and because we have started to talk about vacation plans for the summer. Earlier this week I asked if he could work a few more hours on the weekend so we could take the kids away somewhere for a long weekend. He got really angry and said he can't take any time off until November/December and I shouldn't ask. Next I suggested we could meet him for lunch or breakfast one day this week. He was too busy which was fine. I really try to be understanding but I guess I am struggling to understand why he can't take 5 minutes to say good night to kids when we are away from home.

I understand work can be demanding but I don't think this lifestyle is sustainable for the long term. We don't go anywhere or do anything. No date nights. Tried going out for coffee alone- did it three times before he started to complain that "it was one less hour" that he could bill. This lifestyle sucks.


You sound really focused on you. His job is killing him and all you can talk about is how it sucks for you and what you want him to do to make your life better.

-biglaw mom


Sure, but he is CHOOSING to work the job that is killing him. This is really on him 100% to realize that his choice of job is making him into a terrible father & partner. Some big law associates have the mental and emotional bandwith to remain connected to family, and others don't. Sounds like he is in the former category. He needs to either figure out ways to carve out some mental energy for his family, or find a new job. Because there are more law jobs out there than BigLaw. I swear, it's so weird how lawyers who were smart enough to go to T10 law schools and get BigLaw jobs become so incredibly disempowered ...


Ive been actively looking for a job for 2 years now. Senior associate at a top tier firm, from T10 school.


I've never heard of it taking that long for anyone, so you must be doing something wrong.


If I want more biglaw I can have it but for a litigator it’s nonprofits or government and it hasn’t been a good two years to get government.


You can move, work for a smaller firm, get a staff attorney job, switch careers ... I promise that there are other ways to earn a living.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2019 13:22     Subject: DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is an associate in big law. I know the hours are long but is this what other spouses of big law deal with? How do you manage?


1) have an au pair
2) have twice weekly maid service
3) have an independent social life
4) work my own high demands high pay job


Or you leave big law for mid-size or a boutique firm, ideally in a mid-sized city. Less $$$, but much better hours and lower COL.

Then you become integrated into the (much smaller and more accessible) legal/business community there, and additional opportunities will come your way in a few years.

B/c you're smart and haven't overextended yourself financially, you can take those opportunities.

So now you have quality of life and $$$. Maybe not big law partner $$$, but it's a helluva nice life.



Yikes careful reading must not matter in your third tier city. The question was how spouses manage.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2019 13:13     Subject: DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is an associate in big law. I know the hours are long but is this what other spouses of big law deal with? How do you manage?


1) have an au pair
2) have twice weekly maid service
3) have an independent social life
4) work my own high demands high pay job


Or you leave big law for mid-size or a boutique firm, ideally in a mid-sized city. Less $$$, but much better hours and lower COL.

Then you become integrated into the (much smaller and more accessible) legal/business community there, and additional opportunities will come your way in a few years.

B/c you're smart and haven't overextended yourself financially, you can take those opportunities.

So now you have quality of life and $$$. Maybe not big law partner $$$, but it's a helluva nice life.

Anonymous
Post 03/29/2019 13:12     Subject: DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Okay sounds like opinions are split. Just to clarify I am a doctor so capable of making a good salary. We are careful with money. I have encouraged him to consider a less stressful job. I try to be supportive but at some point I don't get vthe point of being in a relationship with someone who can't spare 5 minutes at 830 at night to check in with family.


You are really committed to turning the facts of his crappy job into a character flaw he has. This will end badly if you can’t stop.


Not taking a few minutes to connect with family is a character flaw. My dad works in a male-dominated field and says he can always tell when a man's wife has had a child because the man starts spending more and more time at work and taking less vacation time. (I only mention the male-dominated field thing because I work in a female-dominated field and have not had the opportunity to notice this, or not, for myself.)
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2019 13:08     Subject: DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I do work but I have had to cut down on my hours because he is unable to adjust his work schedule. I know he is busy but I feel like he has to make some time for family. I guess I am really mad because this issue has come up several times this week because we are on break and because we have started to talk about vacation plans for the summer. Earlier this week I asked if he could work a few more hours on the weekend so we could take the kids away somewhere for a long weekend. He got really angry and said he can't take any time off until November/December and I shouldn't ask. Next I suggested we could meet him for lunch or breakfast one day this week. He was too busy which was fine. I really try to be understanding but I guess I am struggling to understand why he can't take 5 minutes to say good night to kids when we are away from home.

I understand work can be demanding but I don't think this lifestyle is sustainable for the long term. We don't go anywhere or do anything. No date nights. Tried going out for coffee alone- did it three times before he started to complain that "it was one less hour" that he could bill. This lifestyle sucks.


You sound really focused on you. His job is killing him and all you can talk about is how it sucks for you and what you want him to do to make your life better.

-biglaw mom


Sure, but he is CHOOSING to work the job that is killing him. This is really on him 100% to realize that his choice of job is making him into a terrible father & partner. Some big law associates have the mental and emotional bandwith to remain connected to family, and others don't. Sounds like he is in the former category. He needs to either figure out ways to carve out some mental energy for his family, or find a new job. Because there are more law jobs out there than BigLaw. I swear, it's so weird how lawyers who were smart enough to go to T10 law schools and get BigLaw jobs become so incredibly disempowered ...


Ive been actively looking for a job for 2 years now. Senior associate at a top tier firm, from T10 school.


I've never heard of it taking that long for anyone, so you must be doing something wrong.


If I want more biglaw I can have it but for a litigator it’s nonprofits or government and it hasn’t been a good two years to get government.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2019 13:07     Subject: DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?
Anonymous wrote:Okay sounds like opinions are split. Just to clarify I am a doctor so capable of making a good salary. We are careful with money. I have encouraged him to consider a less stressful job. I try to be supportive but at some point I don't get vthe point of being in a relationship with someone who can't spare 5 minutes at 830 at night to check in with family.


You are really committed to turning the facts of his crappy job into a character flaw he has. This will end badly if you can’t stop.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2019 13:03     Subject: DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?
Okay sounds like opinions are split. Just to clarify I am a doctor so capable of making a good salary. We are careful with money. I have encouraged him to consider a less stressful job. I try to be supportive but at some point I don't get vthe point of being in a relationship with someone who can't spare 5 minutes at 830 at night to check in with family.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2019 12:45     Subject: DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?
Why nag your husband while you are away on vacation, and he is left working long hours? I would be concerned about his long term well being, not initiating a spat.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2019 12:40     Subject: DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?
Your kids are on vacation with Mommy and relatives they aren’t pining away for Dad. Admit the real issue is that you feel neglected and don’t use your kids as pawns in fights with DH. Tell your DH that your willing to not take any vacations, downsize, take your kids out of their likely fancy schools, camps and sports so he can not feel the pressure of succeeding in his career. Biglaw is a beast and not being able to pick up the phone at 8:30 pm during a week you and he knew was going to be crazy (hence not on vacation) is a reality...conference calls, people in your office, West Coasters still working.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2019 11:49     Subject: DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?
Anonymous wrote:Wife of biglaw senior associate here with 3 young kids. I get it. DH and I also basically never do date nights, he frequently is in the office all weekend, he almost never makes it home for bedtime, and he's about to bail on our long-planned spring break trip due to a case.

IMO you aren't overreacting but also you are. Yes, it's shitty that he can't spend 5 min to videochat at bedtime. But also, he says he can't do it and instead of accepting that, you wind up mad and sad and have a big argument. He's an adult and he's making choices all along the way here. You can either accept them and work with/around them, or spend a lot of your time angry and eventually divorce.

I'm not a SAHM by the way. I'm a lawyer myself. I made the choice to switch from biglaw to a smaller firm so that I can have more balance in my life. It's important to me to spend time with my kids, to get involved in other activities besides work work work, and to have a modicum of a social life without worrying that my weekend was going to be spent in the office. Do I wish those things were as important to my DH? Sure. Do I think he should listen to Cat's in the Cradle once or twice himself? Absolutely. Am I worried about his future relationships with his kids? A little bit. But I can't make him be different, and I make myself miserable getting pissed off all the time when he makes different choices. Instead, I choose to structure my life the way I want it, and I'm teaching my kids (ages 6, 4, 1) to be independent so that I don't need his help when he's not around.

In my case, I hope that my DH catches on to where his priorities should be, and every now and then we do talk priorities and what's the point of working so hard for money when you can't enjoy it. It could be worthwhile for you to check in with your DH on priorities and goals periodically. But sweating this small stuff is just a recipe for resentment.


+1

I would add, you need to make it clear to him that you are willing to take a lifestyle hit if it means you can spend more time with him. (Assuming you are.) He is likely stressed out, feeling like he has to do this to succeed, and it may well feel like you want his paycheck but are also nagging him about what he has to do to earn it.

In the meantime, he is who he is. Fighting about it is not helpful. Either accept that he is this way, and do your best with that, or leave. But staying and fighting over the same stuff all the time is pointless.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2019 11:19     Subject: DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?
Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of men and women with big careers, including in big law, who make time for their families and for vacations. This is about priorities and values.


Eh, BigLaw is different now. He doesn’t have a choice if he wants to make partner

And generations of kids have turned out fine with a father absent b/c of demanding jobs, and most don’t even pay as much as BigLaw and require risk to life and limb.

So OP, be happy you didn’t marry a cop or a soldier, and relish in the riches you have now and the great wealth you will have to pass on to your kids.

My dad was home all the time and bombed at his career; I would have much preferred no college debt and help with a down payment for less time with him.

Once he makes partner, he will have more latitude so can take vacations though he will be working then too.

But they will be kickass vacations.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2019 11:17     Subject: DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Clients are for suckers.

Go be the client already. Get to a better place in the food chain. Your stupid bonus isn’t worth it after all the taxes, SS, Medicare anyhow. Go enjoy your life.


Sounds nice, where do we all sign up?


You do a damn job serarch after 3-5 years of paying your dues work experience. Worked great for me and everyone else I saw who did it.

If you’re unconfirmed, unsuccessful at selling your skills, or addicted to your phony gross bonus number bragging, then stay in your monkey job and keep pretending it’s because you’re such a great provider, a la 1950s.

The smartest people. I know took their bonus and ran to Colorado or Texas to work and raise their families. I am talking about men, not women. Men who had the balls to get off the rat race and still command high salaries and performance bonuses in house or in smaller companies. There is more to life than a big IB or Big Law. You’re just too unconfident to make a change. And way too uncofident to do your own thing.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2019 11:08     Subject: DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?
There are plenty of men and women with big careers, including in big law, who make time for their families and for vacations. This is about priorities and values.