Anonymous
Post 03/21/2019 20:57     Subject: Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM
Anonymous wrote:I refuse to believe that anybody with that net worth and such high earning potential is dumb enough that you can't figure out your own solution to this problem without crowdsourcing on DCUM, especially knowing how so many here feel about SAHM vs WOHM. Just don't believe it.


Newbie here, so how do people feel about SAHM vs WOH ?
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2019 19:32     Subject: Re:Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM
Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Earlier on in our marriage before infertility and kids, my husband said he would like for me to be a SAHM however he changed his mind. I never thought I would be since I was career oriented. As the years gone by, we've both made more money and it doesn't seem to be enough for him. Honestly, I never thought how selfish and inconsiderat my husband would be once we had our children. He only thinks of himself at times and do the minimal in helping with the household and children. My children aren not great sleepers and have some medical concerns. I recently hired a cleaning lady to come to our houes 2x a month. This was a big arguement with my husband since he didn't want a total stranger in our house. Just something like hiring help is just difficult with him.

I offered my husband the option of him being a sahp so that at least I could concentrate on one thing and be good at it. Right now I feel like both my career and child rearing is flondering. I am uable to concentrate on any one thing and am frustrated and overwhelmed. I've asked for counseling many time for our marriage but he doesn't believe in it. I just don't have anymore to give. I need to take care of myself so I can be healthy for my children. I'm starting to come to the realization that divorce shouldn't be off the table.


Hire a housekeeper for 2 a week, not twice a month. When kids wake up at night, push him out of bed and tell him to deal with it. When kids have doctors appointments, tell him you are working per his wishes and he needs to go. One night a week, when he's home, take a night to go out shopping/dinner and tell him to deal with the kids. If he doesn't want a stranger in the house, give him a list of chores and tell him to do it. And, hire a nanny if you don't have one. Make sure to stash money in your name only.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2019 19:23     Subject: Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM
Your spouse wants a broodmare/ work horse.
F that.
You are on more than equal footing since you make the same salary.
So, if you want to stay married ( and I get why you might). Stop having discussions.
You cancelled the contract - GOOD.
Hire cleaning people/ child care.
Start making all the decisions. Don’t discuss with him. Just don’t bother. He’ll adjust to the new dynamic.
And if he doesn’t like it? You quit your job.

You have loads of power here OP. Take it back.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2019 19:06     Subject: Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM
How old are the kids now OP. i feel like that’s important part of this. Are you still getting up in the night to feed them or put them back to sleep? How many hours of sleep are you getting nightly?
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2019 17:22     Subject: Re:Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Work part time and don't tell him. Supplement the money you need for bills with your $4M. Reassess at 9 months.

You don't have to do what you husband tells you to do.


Sure. And he doesn't have to do do what she wants - support her while she stays at home.

Look, the default in this country is that adults work, in order to pay the bills. You may not like it, but that's the way it is. I agree with a PP that in a relationship, if one person wants to stop working, it needs two yes votes. Without consensus, the default - everyone works - continues.


Good god, no. The default in this country is that marriage is a partnership and each partner looks out for the other. If that means one slows down their career for health reasons or childcare, they figure it out together.

This is a problem for marriage counseling. But I agree, I think dropping down at work, to part time, is a good middle ground solution.


+1. I know very few if any marriages where the spouses work equally demanding jobs but don’t have equal household roles. If husbands job is more demanding, wife stays home or is PT/very flexible. THATs the norm I see.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2019 15:19     Subject: Re:Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Work part time and don't tell him. Supplement the money you need for bills with your $4M. Reassess at 9 months.

You don't have to do what you husband tells you to do.


Sure. And he doesn't have to do do what she wants - support her while she stays at home.

Look, the default in this country is that adults work, in order to pay the bills. You may not like it, but that's the way it is. I agree with a PP that in a relationship, if one person wants to stop working, it needs two yes votes. Without consensus, the default - everyone works - continues.


Good god, no. The default in this country is that marriage is a partnership and each partner looks out for the other. If that means one slows down their career for health reasons or childcare, they figure it out together.

This is a problem for marriage counseling. But I agree, I think dropping down at work, to part time, is a good middle ground solution.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2019 15:16     Subject: Re:Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM
This is OP. Earlier on in our marriage before infertility and kids, my husband said he would like for me to be a SAHM however he changed his mind. I never thought I would be since I was career oriented. As the years gone by, we've both made more money and it doesn't seem to be enough for him. Honestly, I never thought how selfish and inconsiderat my husband would be once we had our children. He only thinks of himself at times and do the minimal in helping with the household and children. My children aren not great sleepers and have some medical concerns. I recently hired a cleaning lady to come to our houes 2x a month. This was a big arguement with my husband since he didn't want a total stranger in our house. Just something like hiring help is just difficult with him.

I offered my husband the option of him being a sahp so that at least I could concentrate on one thing and be good at it. Right now I feel like both my career and child rearing is flondering. I am uable to concentrate on any one thing and am frustrated and overwhelmed. I've asked for counseling many time for our marriage but he doesn't believe in it. I just don't have anymore to give. I need to take care of myself so I can be healthy for my children. I'm starting to come to the realization that divorce shouldn't be off the table.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2019 13:57     Subject: Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM
Anonymous wrote:OP I haven't read the entire thread but it sounds like you need a break for a bit.

Being a SAHM is not that. Be aware that many SAHMs walk around exhausted and stressed as well. This won't be like a permanent vacation for you.

Take some time for R&R, you need it. Then revisit the desire to become a SAHM.


OP, the bolded is really true, especially with twins. I think this PP is right - you need a break because you almost died and your body needs to recoup, plus you have gone through a lot and your mind needs to recoup too. You need a health R&R, and you need down time to rejoice in your twins. Talk to a doctor and see if you can arrange a few months' break, maybe using long term salary insurance coverage if you have that. What doctor would deny helping you after all you've been through? Hire a nanny or a housekeeper to help with the daily grind while you rest and enjoy your twins, but this set-up would help you when caring for twins and a house feels overwhelming. After a few months, you'll probably be ready to face the world again. Good luck, and hugs to you.

You have lots of company when it comes to women with DHs who don't understand at all. Your DH sounds like a selfish jerk. I wonder how he would feel if he'd been the one to almost die in the delivery room? This is not about self pity - this is about having a chance to recuperate and to bond with your twins and to go forward with a refreshed spirit.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2019 13:39     Subject: Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM
How old are your kids OP? Have you been to or tried joining a moms group? How long would you like to SAH? Maybe your DH just needs to here more details of your plan before he can be comfortable with it?
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2019 12:24     Subject: Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM
This is more than just an OP wanting to stay at home.

My guess, OP is battling PPD still and also needs marriage counseling.

OP if you are real, get counseling. You need to work through your issues. Only you can help yourself. No one else will do it for you.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2019 12:19     Subject: Re:Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So you finally had the children you wanted for a long time and you're still not happy? how about you take some short term disability to properly recover and treat your depression and then reevaluate what you want when you feel better?


Did you even read the OP? She knows what she wants to feel better. To spend time with the children she wanted for so long and concentrate on what really matters, children, not chasing wealth. It's her husband who is off.


I agree. I would never marry a guy that didn't give me a choice. Plus they can well afford it.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2019 11:54     Subject: Re:Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM
Anonymous wrote:So you finally had the children you wanted for a long time and you're still not happy? how about you take some short term disability to properly recover and treat your depression and then reevaluate what you want when you feel better?


Did you even read the OP? She knows what she wants to feel better. To spend time with the children she wanted for so long and concentrate on what really matters, children, not chasing wealth. It's her husband who is off.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2019 11:49     Subject: Re:Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If she quits and stays home there aren't making the same. And she may not have the same job available or same income if when she wants to go back. MORON. Any way you slice it divorcing her will be WAY more expensive than her staying home and staying married

Yea, you’re still the moron. If she quits and he files for divorce there will be no alimony. She isn’t a long term SAHM with no skills. She’s a woman who just voluntarily quit her job. She can choose not to go back to work, but she won’t get alimony. And since they’ll impute income for child support, and they make the same, there’s no child support.


There would be child support if custody isn't shared equally. OP's husband doesn't seem very empathic to the fact that she almost died. Three months off sounds normal without complications. He should have considered agreeing to her staying home an additional three months. Beyond that, OP, being a stay at home mom has to be a joint decision.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2019 11:23     Subject: Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM
Anonymous wrote:OP did you ever tell him, while dating or prekids, that there was a chance you would want to be a SAHM? I think this is so so important. Some men don’t want this under any circumstances and feel swindled.

I told my DH on or about our 3rd date that I hoped to be able to SAH one day and I probably wouldn’t have married him if he was vehemently against it.

Have you offered to SAH for a finite period of time? Maybe he’s just worried (legitimately) you won’t want to ever go back.


+1, me too. He likes it when I work and make money and wouldn't want me to be a permanent SAHM, but for at least a year after having twins? Hell yes.

Why is he viewing you taking a freaking year off of work after working and saving your whole life as such a horrible thing? It's not like you can never go back to work.
Anonymous
Post 03/20/2019 11:19     Subject: Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM
OP I haven't read the entire thread but it sounds like you need a break for a bit.

Being a SAHM is not that. Be aware that many SAHMs walk around exhausted and stressed as well. This won't be like a permanent vacation for you.

Take some time for R&R, you need it. Then revisit the desire to become a SAHM.