Anonymous
02/27/2019 09:06
Subject: Re:Help me survive spring break with my overbearing in-laws!
I started taking time “off” when MIL visits us. I previously avoided it because I knew she would see it as rude and unwelcoming. Turns out she does see it as rude and unwelcoming, but I no longer care as much what she thinks. When she visits us it’s my vacation too (I’m a teacher and she comes during winter break and spring break) and I need time to recharge. If I skip an activity here and there or just decide to fold laundry upstairs by myself then that’s what I need to do. She has put it on SIL to let us know that she doesn’t feel welcome in our home, but that’s her issue to deal with I guess. We provide all meals, plan activities and pretty much cancel our regular lives for her to visit, so if I can’t take another minute of sitting and “visiting” then I will take a break. Put on your own oxygen mask first, and all that.
Anonymous
02/27/2019 08:59
Subject: Help me survive spring break with my overbearing in-laws!
Anonymous wrote:I'm an introvert who needs some alone time on family vacations and holidays in order to be my best. My husband and I work out a loose schedule for every day so that we both get breaks.
That being said, I recognize when I'm on a paid-for family vacation that I need to give as much of myself as I can. I definitely get and take my breaks. But sometimes, I push through an extra half-hour of talking with my ILs after my kids go to bed. Sometimes, I'll set a goal for myself of an extra 30 minutes, and find at the 20-minute mark that I'm actually enjoying myself. Not always, but that's life.
Anyway, if you want a true vacation-vacation doing everything you want to do the way you want to do it, decline these family invitations, or just send your husband and your kids. But if you accept hospitality--even if you are agreeing to do so because you feel you have to for your spouse's sake--you need to be as pleasant and engaged as possible. That's just good manners.
This poster hits on an important point. There is always the option to say no. Over the years we have modified the way we interact with our families. There had been several vacations that were about inlaws from wake up to sleep. And if anyone tried to diverge they made it very uncomfortable and complained. We calmly discussed it with them, maintained boundaries, tried again (!) several times, all the while keeping communication lines open and being respectful.
Bottom line is that they did not feel our opinions or approaches held the same amount of weight as theirs. They felt it was not for them to compromise.
We do not vacation with them any more though we see them at other times.
Anonymous
02/27/2019 07:45
Subject: Re:Help me survive spring break with my overbearing in-laws!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:We spent two weeks in Spain this past Christmas with my parents. We were together pretty much the whole time. We shared apartments, saw the activities together. My parents went out on their own maybe twice out of the two weeks. And it was great.
I think you're not being frank about your relationship with your in-laws. By your admission they are fine people. Five days isn't a long time. I don't have much sympathy. You're probably more self-centered and self-absorbed than you realize. Which is usually the case. And I can tell because you're making this all about you. It's all about what you want. Not what other people want. You even don't want to go and resent the trip, despite that you say your in-laws are fine and your kids love them. When it comes to family we often do things for the family, not just for ourselves. And you're forgetting this.
If you're really bothered by your in-laws chattering it's pretty simple. Firmly say you're getting up late in the mornings because it's vacation. And at some point during the day say you're going out for a short walk to think through something at work (or any other excuse). And smile brightly and be nice. Just don't make a drama out of it.
Great, you don't need much alone time. Other people do. The fact is, it's incredibly rude and self-centered to assume that other people want to do every single activity that you do.
Awe, poor princess.
the princess would be the one commanding that her retinue attend her at all hours
Anonymous
02/27/2019 07:39
Subject: Help me survive spring break with my overbearing in-laws!
I'm an introvert who needs some alone time on family vacations and holidays in order to be my best. My husband and I work out a loose schedule for every day so that we both get breaks.
That being said, I recognize when I'm on a paid-for family vacation that I need to give as much of myself as I can. I definitely get and take my breaks. But sometimes, I push through an extra half-hour of talking with my ILs after my kids go to bed. Sometimes, I'll set a goal for myself of an extra 30 minutes, and find at the 20-minute mark that I'm actually enjoying myself. Not always, but that's life.
Anyway, if you want a true vacation-vacation doing everything you want to do the way you want to do it, decline these family invitations, or just send your husband and your kids. But if you accept hospitality--even if you are agreeing to do so because you feel you have to for your spouse's sake--you need to be as pleasant and engaged as possible. That's just good manners.
That being said, I recognize when I'm on a paid-for family vacation that I need to give as much of myself as I can. I definitely get and take my breaks. But sometimes, I push through an extra half-hour of talking with my ILs after my kids go to bed. Sometimes, I'll set a goal for myself of an extra 30 minutes, and find at the 20-minute mark that I'm actually enjoying myself. Not always, but that's life.
Anyway, if you want a true vacation-vacation doing everything you want to do the way you want to do it, decline these family invitations, or just send your husband and your kids. But if you accept hospitality--even if you are agreeing to do so because you feel you have to for your spouse's sake--you need to be as pleasant and engaged as possible. That's just good manners.
Anonymous
02/26/2019 23:03
Subject: Re:Help me survive spring break with my overbearing in-laws!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:We spent two weeks in Spain this past Christmas with my parents. We were together pretty much the whole time. We shared apartments, saw the activities together. My parents went out on their own maybe twice out of the two weeks. And it was great.
I think you're not being frank about your relationship with your in-laws. By your admission they are fine people. Five days isn't a long time. I don't have much sympathy. You're probably more self-centered and self-absorbed than you realize. Which is usually the case. And I can tell because you're making this all about you. It's all about what you want. Not what other people want. You even don't want to go and resent the trip, despite that you say your in-laws are fine and your kids love them. When it comes to family we often do things for the family, not just for ourselves. And you're forgetting this.
If you're really bothered by your in-laws chattering it's pretty simple. Firmly say you're getting up late in the mornings because it's vacation. And at some point during the day say you're going out for a short walk to think through something at work (or any other excuse). And smile brightly and be nice. Just don't make a drama out of it.
Great, you don't need much alone time. Other people do. The fact is, it's incredibly rude and self-centered to assume that other people want to do every single activity that you do.
Awe, poor princess.
Anonymous
02/26/2019 22:51
Subject: Help me survive spring break with my overbearing in-laws!
None of how you describe your inlaws sound unreasonable - breakfast, common areas, family activities. Not sure why you're being so dramatic.
If anything, slightly different vacation styles, but I cant understand why you cant find a compromis.
And dont be too much of a recluse with your "alone time" and "me time". People will take it the wrong way especially your inlaws who are hosting this trip and probably feel you have plenty if space seeing you have your own rooms/bathroom/wing of the house.
Breakfast - go out with everyone e smd just order coffee and a fruit cup. Is that so hard? You dont need to go all out.
Offending ILs if you just want to do things with dh&kids - let DH deal with his parents on that. Or "Edith - Bill and I are taking the kids and are going on that 5 mile hike to the waterfall . Kids are super excited. Looking forward to meeting back here for dinner and your famous lasagna! Have fun souvenir shopping in town".
If anything, slightly different vacation styles, but I cant understand why you cant find a compromis.
And dont be too much of a recluse with your "alone time" and "me time". People will take it the wrong way especially your inlaws who are hosting this trip and probably feel you have plenty if space seeing you have your own rooms/bathroom/wing of the house.
Breakfast - go out with everyone e smd just order coffee and a fruit cup. Is that so hard? You dont need to go all out.
Offending ILs if you just want to do things with dh&kids - let DH deal with his parents on that. Or "Edith - Bill and I are taking the kids and are going on that 5 mile hike to the waterfall . Kids are super excited. Looking forward to meeting back here for dinner and your famous lasagna! Have fun souvenir shopping in town".
Anonymous
02/26/2019 22:32
Subject: Help me survive spring break with my overbearing in-laws!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:We don’t operate this way. When we vacation together, people get up when they want, eat meals when they want, sight see when they want, nap when they want, go to bed when they want. It all evens out.
And? Yes? So? How nice for you. How, exactly, is this relevant to OP's situation?
OP didn't ask "Is this a dynamic that you like?" she asked, "I don't like this dynamic; how can I best operate in it?"
I hate useless posts like this. No one asked how you vacation.
Her inlaws haven’t said she expects 100% participation dimwit.
Do you mean her ILs haven't said THEY expect 100% participation, moron?