Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 12:43     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Our DS has sports practice weekly. He had to miss last week because of some logistical issues which were out of his control. His next practice falls on MIL’s birthday. We’d rather him not miss another practice, because his team and coaches expect his participation. His practice is until 6:00ish. MIL is making a huge deal over this and being a little rigid. She wants to have dinner and wants it at a favorite restaurant near her home AT 6pm, and she wants DS there more than anything. DH presented three options:

Dinner later, so DS can still make practice

Dinner closer to us at 6 (DS and I would be only a little late)

DH attends her dinner without DS and I, and we celebrate at a later date.

She’s currently pouting and giving DH a hard time, telling him everything comes before her birthday. Are we actually the ones being rigid? Do we have DS miss his second practice so he can go? And no, this is not a milestone BD. Just a mid-week actual BD being celebrated on the actual day.




Family. Sports.

You have to ask?


Inflexible family. Team sports.

There is no reason OP’s situation needs to be a conflict.

If MIL would make a small compromise in time or place, rather than creating a test of everyone’s fealty to her, there would be no conflict.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 12:42     Subject: Re:Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How old is your DS?

In general, in this area I think we cater too much to our kids’ activity schedule and 5 years from now it’s not going to make a difference if he made this practice or not, and grandma could have passed on or have dementia. I’m also guilty of putting our kids’ schedule before everything else and I try to check myself because it’s ridiculous.


+1


-1000

I’m so sick of old people playing the “I could be DEAD soon card.” Guess what? We could all die in a car accident tomorrow - maybe on the way to the faraway restaurant... Realistically, a healthy 60-something will be around for another 2 decades - at least. Should the grandchildren’s entire childhood revolve around Grandma’s whims??

And even if you are right and grandma gets dementia in 5 years - the family will be able to look back fondly at the time they celebrated grandma’s birthday. Nobody will care (or remember!) that it was 48 hours before or after the actual date.


Same could be said about a sports practice.

"Hey Aiden, remember that great soccer practice back in Feb. of 2019?? Yeah, it was awesome."


Read the post before you respond with something nonsensical.

PP is saying the family WILL REMEMBER celebrating Grandma’s birthday down the line - especially if they make it a nice event on the weekend. A rushed stressful dinner on a school night will not have the same nostalgia - it’ll be more like “you know, the dementia started earlier than we thought....”
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 12:36     Subject: Re:Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How old is your DS?

In general, in this area I think we cater too much to our kids’ activity schedule and 5 years from now it’s not going to make a difference if he made this practice or not, and grandma could have passed on or have dementia. I’m also guilty of putting our kids’ schedule before everything else and I try to check myself because it’s ridiculous.


+1


-1000

I’m so sick of old people playing the “I could be DEAD soon card.” Guess what? We could all die in a car accident tomorrow - maybe on the way to the faraway restaurant... Realistically, a healthy 60-something will be around for another 2 decades - at least. Should the grandchildren’s entire childhood revolve around Grandma’s whims??

And even if you are right and grandma gets dementia in 5 years - the family will be able to look back fondly at the time they celebrated grandma’s birthday. Nobody will care (or remember!) that it was 48 hours before or after the actual date.


Same could be said about a sports practice.

"Hey Aiden, remember that great soccer practice back in Feb. of 2019?? Yeah, it was awesome."
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 12:35     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:Our DS has sports practice weekly. He had to miss last week because of some logistical issues which were out of his control. His next practice falls on MIL’s birthday. We’d rather him not miss another practice, because his team and coaches expect his participation. His practice is until 6:00ish. MIL is making a huge deal over this and being a little rigid. She wants to have dinner and wants it at a favorite restaurant near her home AT 6pm, and she wants DS there more than anything. DH presented three options:

Dinner later, so DS can still make practice

Dinner closer to us at 6 (DS and I would be only a little late)

DH attends her dinner without DS and I, and we celebrate at a later date.

She’s currently pouting and giving DH a hard time, telling him everything comes before her birthday. Are we actually the ones being rigid? Do we have DS miss his second practice so he can go? And no, this is not a milestone BD. Just a mid-week actual BD being celebrated on the actual day.




Family. Sports.

You have to ask?
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 12:33     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Old person here:
I know it very awkward what your MIL is asking but “the day of” seems to be a thing with some people. We always try to eat early because cheaper but more importantly less noisy. Hearing not the best. She also may not know how pushy and demanding coaches are for simple after school sports in this generation. Was not remotely the same for her kids.
I do get how that puts you in the middle tho


It doesn't put OP in the middle. OP is making a decision to insert herself into this.

DH: "Honey, mom's really putting her foot down on the day of at 6 p.m. What do you think?"

OP COULD JUST: *Shrug.* I don't have a really strong opinion. [As evidenced by the fact that she is here asking what her opinion should be.] I think X and Y are possible solutions. Think it over, make a decision, talk to her and then let me know what we're doing.


So exactly this.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 12:31     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think it’s interesting that OP hasn’t given us her DS’s age.

Why wasn’t the lesson on committment to the team as important to teach last weekf, but this week — on MIL’s birthday — it’s become paramount?

How would you resolve this if it was your mother’s birthday and she was the one that wanted to celebrate with your family on “the day,” OP?


Yep. “Logistical issues” are nbd to miss practice but suddenly your MIL’s birthday is THE time to dig in? I’m not saying you’re 100% wrong but I also don’t feel you are right about this.


+1. I'd go to the birthday.


+2. Curious about what “logistical issues” means. And it’s not like MIL’s birthday was just announced; presumably it’s the same date every year. Do you usually celebrate on the day? If so, this is not a surprise.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 12:17     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
I think it’s weird that:

Dinner with her son isn’t good enough.
She demands her grandchildren there yet isn’t flexible.
She would want her grandchildren to sacrifice an activity to celebrate something that can be celebrated on a different day.

What if the tables were turned and the mom thought it was ok for her son to skip long-standing dinner plans with grandma to attend an activity with a friend? Should he, since he can have dinner with grandma the following day?
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 12:17     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:It's so annoying when adults make a fuss about their own birthdays. You have presented perfectly good options. MIL needs to grow up.


IA. After age 21 no adult should make a big deal out of their birthday unless it's a milestone bday (30, 40, etc.).

I'm currently on my cousin's sh!t list because I couldn't make it to her 32nd birthday party that was held on a Wednesday evening in DC at a bar near her office (I'm in VA).
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 12:10     Subject: Re:Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How old is your DS?

In general, in this area I think we cater too much to our kids’ activity schedule and 5 years from now it’s not going to make a difference if he made this practice or not, and grandma could have passed on or have dementia. I’m also guilty of putting our kids’ schedule before everything else and I try to check myself because it’s ridiculous.


+1


-1000

I’m so sick of old people playing the “I could be DEAD soon card.” Guess what? We could all die in a car accident tomorrow - maybe on the way to the faraway restaurant... Realistically, a healthy 60-something will be around for another 2 decades - at least. Should the grandchildren’s entire childhood revolve around Grandma’s whims??

And even if you are right and grandma gets dementia in 5 years - the family will be able to look back fondly at the time they celebrated grandma’s birthday. Nobody will care (or remember!) that it was 48 hours before or after the actual date.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 11:48     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think it’s interesting that OP hasn’t given us her DS’s age.

Why wasn’t the lesson on committment to the team as important to teach last weekf, but this week — on MIL’s birthday — it’s become paramount?

How would you resolve this if it was your mother’s birthday and she was the one that wanted to celebrate with your family on “the day,” OP?


Yep. “Logistical issues” are nbd to miss practice but suddenly your MIL’s birthday is THE time to dig in? I’m not saying you’re 100% wrong but I also don’t feel you are right about this.


+1. I'd go to the birthday.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 11:47     Subject: Re:Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:How old is your DS?

In general, in this area I think we cater too much to our kids’ activity schedule and 5 years from now it’s not going to make a difference if he made this practice or not, and grandma could have passed on or have dementia. I’m also guilty of putting our kids’ schedule before everything else and I try to check myself because it’s ridiculous.


+1
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 11:44     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:Old person here:
I know it very awkward what your MIL is asking but “the day of” seems to be a thing with some people. We always try to eat early because cheaper but more importantly less noisy. Hearing not the best. She also may not know how pushy and demanding coaches are for simple after school sports in this generation. Was not remotely the same for her kids.
I do get how that puts you in the middle tho


It doesn't put OP in the middle. OP is making a decision to insert herself into this.

DH: "Honey, mom's really putting her foot down on the day of at 6 p.m. What do you think?"

OP COULD JUST: *Shrug.* I don't have a really strong opinion. [As evidenced by the fact that she is here asking what her opinion should be.] I think X and Y are possible solutions. Think it over, make a decision, talk to her and then let me know what we're doing.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 11:39     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:I think it’s interesting that OP hasn’t given us her DS’s age.

Why wasn’t the lesson on committment to the team as important to teach last weekf, but this week — on MIL’s birthday — it’s become paramount?

How would you resolve this if it was your mother’s birthday and she was the one that wanted to celebrate with your family on “the day,” OP?


Yep. “Logistical issues” are nbd to miss practice but suddenly your MIL’s birthday is THE time to dig in? I’m not saying you’re 100% wrong but I also don’t feel you are right about this.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 11:34     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:I think it’s interesting that OP hasn’t given us her DS’s age.

Why wasn’t the lesson on committment to the team as important to teach last weekf, but this week — on MIL’s birthday — it’s become paramount?

How would you resolve this if it was your mother’s birthday and she was the one that wanted to celebrate with your family on “the day,” OP?


If it was my own mom I would tell her she’s being ridiculous!

I would offer to have dinner with her just the two of us on the day of her birthday. Then I would invite her to celebrate with my family over the weekend and make a special day if it - an outing that she likes with family in addition to dinner. I would hope DH could have the same type of conversation with his mom. Presumably after a lifetime of being in each other’s lives they can have a conversation???
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2019 11:32     Subject: Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.
Anonymous wrote:I think it’s interesting that OP hasn’t given us her DS’s age.

Why wasn’t the lesson on committment to the team as important to teach last weekf, but this week — on MIL’s birthday — it’s become paramount?

How would you resolve this if it was your mother’s birthday and she was the one that wanted to celebrate with your family on “the day,” OP?


Yes OP, how old is your son? I'm guessing if he's only practicing a sport once a week he's either (1) young or (2) not very advanced. I'm not saying that to be mean, it's just a fact that once a week practices are rare once you get older and more advanced. I respect the commitments we've made during the week such as sports and I likely wouldn't entertain missing it for something like this, but honestly it's the 7 pm birthday at a place an hour away during the week that would have me saying no (again, assuming your kid is young). If he's 12 and just started a sport then maybe I'd let it go, although I would care how he felt about it.