Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 16:09     Subject: Re:Feel like I'm on a crash course towards an affair. Can't stop.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I wouldn't be so sure this guy would hire you solely on merit. Are you ok with taking a job that you were offered - even in part - because of your flirtatious relationship with this guy? Are you ok with everyone thinking that's the only reason you got the job? Because that's exactly what they will think, even if you believe you're being discreet, and the way people view you at work will never be the same. You will never come back from that.

Are you ok with the consequences to your DS and your marriage? Are you ok with not seeing your DS on certain holidays because he's going to be with his father? Or having to make parental decisions with your ex-DH for the next 10-15+ years?

It sounds like you're indifferent about your marriage because you have this thing with your colleague. If your colleague wasn't around, maybe things at home wouldn't seem so bad. It's easy to think the grass is greener and that the issues you have with your DH will resolve once the marriage ends.

I get that it's exciting and things at home are a bit dull. I understand how it feels to have someone new find you attractive and to feel attracted to them in return. But have enough respect for yourself, your DS and your DH to do the right thing. Either knock it off or end the marriage.



The current status of my marriage has nothing to do with the colleague. DH and I have been having problems for a while. I've known the colleague for almost a year but our relationship has grown closer only over the past month or so. I have been miserable at home so I feel like that is part of the reason I'm even entertaining this. Like I said earlier, "OM" is really not even my type physically. But he's a nice person and has been a good friend towards me and I think that's really what I've been missing which is why I feel myself being drawn to the situation. I know having an affair would be a disaster but I don't want to not be friends with him, he hasn't done anything wrong. Outside of some occasional lightly flirty banter, he's been nothing but a gentleman. And for all I know, he could zero interest in taking things further either and is just enjoying the ego boost.


This post makes me feel like OP is trolling.

Troll score: 7. Not bad, OP, not bad. Maybe a little too eager to respond, that sort of gave you away.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 16:09     Subject: Feel like I'm on a crash course towards an affair. Can't stop.
Op light banter with a colleague isn't a big deal... when both people know and respect the line. He might, but you are close to not. You can't control him but what you can do is back off the IMs. Don't initiate them, be shorter in your responses. He will in turn eventually back off and a lot of your problem goes away there.

Remind yourself, you do not want to be the injured animal he feels he has to or gets to save. Don't be that person who is all "but he's nice to me!" Surely you recognize that isn't attraction as much as desperation. And if he does hire you do you really want ANYONE to be able to claim it was because of something inappropriate? Even if you're just giving off those vibes.

You can back off. It will be hard because it means depriving yourself of something fun. But you can and for your own self respect if not the benefit of your marriage, you should.
taketothebank
Post 02/01/2019 16:04     Subject: Re:Feel like I'm on a crash course towards an affair. Can't stop.
But most of the time he either passes out on the couch when we're watching TV or soon as we go to the bedroom, he's asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.


I realize this is off-topic but..have you looked into medical issues? When I started sleeping while on the couch or falling asleep as soon as I went to bed I went to my GP.

The result: Got a sleep study and a C-PAP. I then had the energy to workout, lose weight and become interested in activities other than sleeping.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 15:53     Subject: Feel like I'm on a crash course towards an affair. Can't stop.
Anonymous wrote:Think about him pooping.

Then, stop Messaging him, stop chatting with him, find another job, and don’t apply to the one on his team.

Recommit to your marriage and your vows.

There is so much you can do here but you don’t seem to want to do it. And the consequences will be so, so ugly. You will hurt so many people. His wife, his kids, your husband, your kid, your parents, his parents.

Set a higher standard for yourself. Is this who you are? Someone who hurts people because she can’t do the right thing?


Take the first point up a little: Imagine that he has skid marks.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 15:53     Subject: Re:Feel like I'm on a crash course towards an affair. Can't stop.
It would be a good start to look for employment elsewhere so you can eliminate or at least minimize the temptation. In the meantime, I agree with PPs who advised you to stop chatting with him during the day - and if he asks what's up, say you've got some big projects that require your focus and you needed to limit distractions at work. Its just as likely that the allure of this man is that he is new/ not your husband and is showing interest in you. I think these things tend to fizzle if you put some space between him and yourself. Remind yourself that marriage is work and a certain degree of monotony with anyone - it would be the same thing with your colleague ten years in.

One this is pretty much certain: Even if it doesn't work out between you and your husband in the long run, you'll never regret NOT cheating on him. This new man is not your safety raft to get off a sinking ship. Learn to swim on your own if you want to jump.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 15:51     Subject: Re:Feel like I'm on a crash course towards an affair. Can't stop.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is why the me too movement can only gain limited traction. L


I don't work for him nor am I dependent on him for anything. There's other positions I can apply for.


You, uh, stated that he could hire you.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 15:49     Subject: Re:Feel like I'm on a crash course towards an affair. Can't stop.
STOP RIGHT NOW. If your marriage is broken, either fix it or get out. You will deeply regret going there. Signed someone who dabbled with this nonsense and regret it mightily. I promise this excitement is not worth future pain.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 15:42     Subject: Feel like I'm on a crash course towards an affair. Can't stop.
You actually can stop. You’re just weak.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 15:27     Subject: Feel like I'm on a crash course towards an affair. Can't stop.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I find it very weird/telling that everyone here assumes I'm flirting him but hasn't considered that he's been flirting with me. As the woman I'm assumed to be some sort of husband stealing jezebel whereas the guy is "just being a guy" I guess.


You have more to lose. Men are less likely to stay with cheating wife than the other way around. You have young kids, his kids are grown. You are a contractor and he isn’t. I’m guessing he is older and closer to retirement so should there be a fall out, he may be able to retire early, you still have to support yourself. Finally you are the one asking for advice and far as I know he isn’t. I’m not passing moral judgment, it just isn’t a good decision given the consequences and you still have time to take action to avoid things.


He's late 40s. So not close to retirement.

I was only pointing out that people seemed to be insinuating that I am pursuing this with him or trying to ruin his marriage.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 15:15     Subject: Feel like I'm on a crash course towards an affair. Can't stop.
Anonymous wrote:I find it very weird/telling that everyone here assumes I'm flirting him but hasn't considered that he's been flirting with me. As the woman I'm assumed to be some sort of husband stealing jezebel whereas the guy is "just being a guy" I guess.


You have more to lose. Men are less likely to stay with cheating wife than the other way around. You have young kids, his kids are grown. You are a contractor and he isn’t. I’m guessing he is older and closer to retirement so should there be a fall out, he may be able to retire early, you still have to support yourself. Finally you are the one asking for advice and far as I know he isn’t. I’m not passing moral judgment, it just isn’t a good decision given the consequences and you still have time to take action to avoid things.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 15:08     Subject: Feel like I'm on a crash course towards an affair. Can't stop.
Anonymous wrote:OP, explain why you and DH rarely have sex. Does he initiate and you reject? Do you initiate and he rejects?


No he doesn't initiate. Either we're both too tired or he just never shows any interest. I've never been that great at initiating so I could probably work on that. But most of the time he either passes out on the couch when we're watching TV or soon as we go to the bedroom, he's asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. So not a lot of opportunity to initiate anything.

We've tried scheduling but that only seems to work about 50% of the time.

And the other 50% of the time we're arguing or just getting over an argument so neither one of us is in the mood anyway.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 14:58     Subject: Re:Feel like I'm on a crash course towards an affair. Can't stop.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I wouldn't be so sure this guy would hire you solely on merit. Are you ok with taking a job that you were offered - even in part - because of your flirtatious relationship with this guy? Are you ok with everyone thinking that's the only reason you got the job? Because that's exactly what they will think, even if you believe you're being discreet, and the way people view you at work will never be the same. You will never come back from that.

Are you ok with the consequences to your DS and your marriage? Are you ok with not seeing your DS on certain holidays because he's going to be with his father? Or having to make parental decisions with your ex-DH for the next 10-15+ years?

It sounds like you're indifferent about your marriage because you have this thing with your colleague. If your colleague wasn't around, maybe things at home wouldn't seem so bad. It's easy to think the grass is greener and that the issues you have with your DH will resolve once the marriage ends.

I get that it's exciting and things at home are a bit dull. I understand how it feels to have someone new find you attractive and to feel attracted to them in return. But have enough respect for yourself, your DS and your DH to do the right thing. Either knock it off or end the marriage.



The current status of my marriage has nothing to do with the colleague. DH and I have been having problems for a while. I've known the colleague for almost a year but our relationship has grown closer only over the past month or so. I have been miserable at home so I feel like that is part of the reason I'm even entertaining this. Like I said earlier, "OM" is really not even my type physically. But he's a nice person and has been a good friend towards me and I think that's really what I've been missing which is why I feel myself being drawn to the situation. I know having an affair would be a disaster but I don't want to not be friends with him, he hasn't done anything wrong. Outside of some occasional lightly flirty banter, he's been nothing but a gentleman. And for all I know, he could zero interest in taking things further either and is just enjoying the ego boost.


Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 14:52     Subject: Feel like I'm on a crash course towards an affair. Can't stop.
My 30 something friend did what you’re doing. Started hanging out with the guy. Even spent the night in his home (she claims there was no sex). Her husband found out.

She doesn’t want a divorce, she wants to wipe it all away and pretend it didn’t happen.

I don’t know how her husband is staying with her. I have realized how deceitful and manipulative she can be. I am much more guarded around her and I mourn the friend I lost.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 14:48     Subject: Re:Feel like I'm on a crash course towards an affair. Can't stop.
Anonymous wrote:OP, I wouldn't be so sure this guy would hire you solely on merit. Are you ok with taking a job that you were offered - even in part - because of your flirtatious relationship with this guy? Are you ok with everyone thinking that's the only reason you got the job? Because that's exactly what they will think, even if you believe you're being discreet, and the way people view you at work will never be the same. You will never come back from that.

Are you ok with the consequences to your DS and your marriage? Are you ok with not seeing your DS on certain holidays because he's going to be with his father? Or having to make parental decisions with your ex-DH for the next 10-15+ years?

It sounds like you're indifferent about your marriage because you have this thing with your colleague. If your colleague wasn't around, maybe things at home wouldn't seem so bad. It's easy to think the grass is greener and that the issues you have with your DH will resolve once the marriage ends.

I get that it's exciting and things at home are a bit dull. I understand how it feels to have someone new find you attractive and to feel attracted to them in return. But have enough respect for yourself, your DS and your DH to do the right thing. Either knock it off or end the marriage.



The current status of my marriage has nothing to do with the colleague. DH and I have been having problems for a while. I've known the colleague for almost a year but our relationship has grown closer only over the past month or so. I have been miserable at home so I feel like that is part of the reason I'm even entertaining this. Like I said earlier, "OM" is really not even my type physically. But he's a nice person and has been a good friend towards me and I think that's really what I've been missing which is why I feel myself being drawn to the situation. I know having an affair would be a disaster but I don't want to not be friends with him, he hasn't done anything wrong. Outside of some occasional lightly flirty banter, he's been nothing but a gentleman. And for all I know, he could zero interest in taking things further either and is just enjoying the ego boost.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 14:48     Subject: Feel like I'm on a crash course towards an affair. Can't stop.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was entertaining thoughts about f*cking a married man, just today, in fact. But that’s it. Thoughts. No action, no suggestion, because it’s not a good look and a boundary I draw *for myself.*

You can stop. You can, and you should. Couples therapy, individual therapy. Just stop the texts and the light flirting, handle your business, and keep it moving.


Did ya see that there, OP? That is called restraint. Try it.
Meanwhile, I love the pep of the PP!


Yeah, unfortunately, PP wasn't as strong as she thought. She just left my hotel room. Not to add insult to injury but she overrated her skill set in the bedroom.