Anonymous
Post 02/03/2019 21:34     Subject: Re:what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I can't speak for those who never wanted kids. I have 3 close girlfriends like this. I never had a burning desire but also was open. The one thing I'll say is if you've never wanted or have kids, you'll wonder sometimes. If you have, you will love. Regardless of how you felt pre-kids you would never regret and chances are you'd want more. It's not logical it's emotional.


Sadly, this is just not always true. There are quite a lot of parents who regret having kids. Of course, it's complicated to say, because it's not something that can be undone. But there are certainly people who wish they hadn't made that choice. But most will never admit it out loud (thank goodness, for their children's sake.)


I love my child but regret having kids
Anonymous
Post 02/03/2019 21:14     Subject: Re:what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:I can't speak for those who never wanted kids. I have 3 close girlfriends like this. I never had a burning desire but also was open. The one thing I'll say is if you've never wanted or have kids, you'll wonder sometimes. If you have, you will love. Regardless of how you felt pre-kids you would never regret and chances are you'd want more. It's not logical it's emotional.


Sadly, this is just not always true. There are quite a lot of parents who regret having kids. Of course, it's complicated to say, because it's not something that can be undone. But there are certainly people who wish they hadn't made that choice. But most will never admit it out loud (thank goodness, for their children's sake.)
Anonymous
Post 02/03/2019 16:56     Subject: what does it feel like to want to have kids?
It just felt like an overwhelming need to nurture a little human.

We had trouble conceiving, which was heartbreaking. We would have gone down the path toward adoption fairly quickly had it not resolved with minimal medical intervention.

wistful for another one at various points, but one was plenty.
Anonymous
Post 02/03/2019 16:53     Subject: Re:what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Having kids is a pain in the butt. DH and I avoided having one for 12 years - through 6 years of dating and 6 years of marriage. Then suddenly there came an ache so deep to have a baby of our own that it caught us by surprise. When we decided to have a kid and got pregnant (within 2 months after ditching BC) my DH could not even wait for the 9 months. He wanted the baby NOW. To wait for the 40 weeks was a torture for both of us.

The second one was easier because we knew we wanted to relive the experience that we were having with the firstborn but also we wanted our firstborn to have siblings. The pregnancy flew by and I used to feel the happiness swirling and rising inside of me like actual champagne bubbles. The moment my second was born and I looked at my DH and both my kids in the hospital room I felt a great sense of relief - as if my family was complete and home at long last.


Question- you and your husband both were more or less okay with not really having kids and then BOTH wanted one at the same time? Did one of you wanting the kid then ignite that want in the other?


I think the examples of our friends who had kids were mostly negative in our minds. Our friends who had kids became super obsessed with kids and we could hardly talk to them because we were always being interrupted by their kids. However, our best friends were super cool people who became pregnant and still remained super cool in our eyes. We got to see first hand how having kids did not have to completely suck out all happiness. Their daughter was hanging out with us from birth to 3 years old and she was a fun easy baby (in front of us). I still remember when it happened for us.

They had come to our house to hang out with us. The husband and DH decided to go out and get chinese take out. Their utterly adorable daughter was bent on her coloring book with a crayon in her hand, the wife and I were sipping wine. Suddenly, the daughter yelled "Daddy, STOP!" and ran to him, hugged his leg and said "I love you, Daddy" and ran back to her coloring book. It was a picture perfect childhood Hallmark moment to us and since we had no idea how much of a PITA she may have been to her parents, this was the "We got to get one little human like her for us" kind of moment. We were pregnant within months of that.

I think I always liked the concept of having babies and I was very good with my own nieces and nephews. I also wanted DH to be not only fully on board but actively want one. He always said that he wanted a baby one day, but he never said he was ready for a baby. I was sure in my mind that I will never have a baby until a man can appreciate and be thankful for what I will sacrifice physically to carry a baby. In other words, he better treat me like the Earth Mother for creating a family for him. That was me in my 20s. I had my DD when I was 32. We were ready. I ended up becoming the granola mom I used to laugh about!
Anonymous
Post 02/03/2019 16:04     Subject: what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:And if you can't understand that bringing a child into the world and raising them with love is more meaningful to most people than climbing some BS corporate ladder... well... frankly I'm glad your DNA won't be included in the next generation


This is OP - and I realize this is sort of a trolly response, but it's one I'd actually like to address. I think a lot of people assume that people - like me - decide not to have kids because we put career ahead of family. I'm sure that's true for some people. But it's actually not the case for me or for many of the other people without kids who I know. For many of us, not having kids has given us a lot of flexibility NOT to have to climb the corporate ladder. I know a lot of really interesting people with kids - and I also know a lot of really interesting people without kids. People who are pursuing the sorts of jobs that it might be hard t do if you needed to make enough $$ to save for college, or live in a good school district.

Anyway, I don't mean to sound defensive. It's just a strange stereotype of people with no kids - that we're all wearing suits on the weekends and using all that time we're not with kids to go earn some more money. I guess I should say - I am happy to answer anyone's questions about what it's like to not want kids, if anyone has any.

Again: I really do appreciate those who took the time to give such thoughtful responses.



I agree with you, OP! I have some childless friends and none of them are corporate ladder-climbers. They have other passions that are as equally important as loving a child.


It's sad that a lot of us see these options: career, kids, or both. I'm in the both category and I just don't have time to see other varibles at this stage in life.
Anonymous
Post 02/03/2019 16:03     Subject: Re:what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I can't speak for those who never wanted kids. I have 3 close girlfriends like this. I never had a burning desire but also was open. The one thing I'll say is if you've never wanted or have kids, you'll wonder sometimes. If you have, you will love. Regardless of how you felt pre-kids you would never regret and chances are you'd want more. It's not logical it's emotional.


You're totally ignoring all the anguished i-hate-my-tween threads on DCUM. Plus, so many parents have ideas about what their kid will be like but have no control if the kid turns out dull or worse, becomes a junkie.


ON the one hand, fulfillment isn't the same as happiness.
ON the other, no one would argue all should have 12 children even though there's little way you would way, I wish that person didn't exist.
Anonymous
Post 02/03/2019 14:59     Subject: Re:what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:I've been at both ends of the spectrum about this. Got married young-ish at 25. DH really wanted kids and I was very ambivalent. I wanted to enjoy my 20s and did not feel ready for motherhood at all. He agreed to wait until we were 30 so that we could both finish grad school. At 30 he was really ready and I was still very ambivalent. I liked our lifestyle and couldn't imagine myself as a Mom. I also didn't have a strong desire towards motherhood. I didn't know anything about motherhood because I myself am an only child, never grew up with cousins, didn't have any friends with kids, etc. He, on the other hand, could not imagine his life without a child/children.

He insisted that we start trying and we had many tearful conversations about it because I was so ambivalent, but leaning toward being childfree. I still kept putting it off until I was 33. Then I finally agreed to start TTC. Low and behold we got pregnant on the first try and I was terrified. Scared out of my mind because I thought I'd have a few months to get used to the idea of being pregnant. My pregnancy was anxiety-filled because I was anxious about motherhood.

My pregnancy was super easy though and I had an easy, natural delivery and happy and healthy baby.

It turned out that I loved being a mom and this time we were both eager to have a second. This time I had an intense longing to have another child and expand our family because I knew how wonderful motherhood was. We started TTC #2 when I was 35 and my son was 1 year old. Sadly I was soon to learn that my fertility had gone out the window by that time and I had severe decreased ovarian reserve. I was in the infertility clinic at 35 and they gave me less than a 10% chance of ever being pregnant again. In fact a few REs said I probably had severe infertility problems all along but just got lucky by getting pregnant on the first try.

We have now been TTC #2 for 5 years and zero pregnancies. Now that I'm 40 I feel that it is really hopeless now. I feel so sad that I waited so long because maybe if I had started earlier I'd be able to have two kids by now.


I'm sorry for the IF issues. I'm so glad you have one and I know how hard it can be to let go of the dream of 2. At the same time, I hope you are gentle with youself because who knows what you would be saying, feeling if you had pushed to have earlier.
Anonymous
Post 02/03/2019 14:46     Subject: Re:what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:Having kids is a pain in the butt. DH and I avoided having one for 12 years - through 6 years of dating and 6 years of marriage. Then suddenly there came an ache so deep to have a baby of our own that it caught us by surprise. When we decided to have a kid and got pregnant (within 2 months after ditching BC) my DH could not even wait for the 9 months. He wanted the baby NOW. To wait for the 40 weeks was a torture for both of us.

The second one was easier because we knew we wanted to relive the experience that we were having with the firstborn but also we wanted our firstborn to have siblings. The pregnancy flew by and I used to feel the happiness swirling and rising inside of me like actual champagne bubbles. The moment my second was born and I looked at my DH and both my kids in the hospital room I felt a great sense of relief - as if my family was complete and home at long last.


Question- you and your husband both were more or less okay with not really having kids and then BOTH wanted one at the same time? Did one of you wanting the kid then ignite that want in the other?
Anonymous
Post 02/03/2019 14:45     Subject: what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I never had the physical urge/ache, just always thought I'd have 2 kids, like most people I knew. A lot of it is environmental conditioning. It helps that I already like babies and kids. But, if I lived in a culture where being childless is the norm, I could see myself go that route too; I'd certainly not have jumped through the IVF hoop to get pregnant.

When I got married in my early 30s, my parents immediately got on my case about having kids soon. The pressure was relentless. Then my dad got cancer and beseeched me to have kids soon. It was a mess. Then I discovered that we had IF issues. So it became this huge goal to strive for. I think the OP's analogy is apt. There was envy of other women who had no problem getting pregnant. There was also a sense of failure.

Long story short, I did get pregnant after IVF. My dad passed away a few months after my son was born, so it was like a gift to have those months together. Then got pregnant naturally. Now our family of 4 feels complete.



Oh, gosh - I'm so sorry you lost your dad. I'm glad he and your child were able to spend time together.


I'm sorry you lost your father.
One question- do you think that "had it not become a big goal to strive for" that you would have wanted the kids so much? Had them?
I wonder sometimes I have had my own infertility issues and wound up ironically with larger family. Sometimes I wonder how much of that is because it wasn't "
possible."
Anonymous
Post 02/03/2019 13:03     Subject: what does it feel like to want to have kids?
I didnt care for kids as an adult. I was hyperfocused on getting into good law schools, staying/surviving Biglaw. I never oohed or aahed over babies or kids. Never enjoyed playing with my younger cousins.

Anyway, I grew up with a great fantastic loving SAHM. People/adults around me all had kids and it was the norm. But I didn't feel the urge so I put it off for three years after I got married, when my DH was pressuring me, as I was already 35. I didn't have a physical urge, trying to get pregnant didn't consume my thoughts. But there was a curiosity there, as to what a kid would be like with my DNA and my DH's, and no big reason NOT to have kids. My mom reassured me there's a reason so many choose to have kids. So although I was only at maybe 85% sure, I took the leap.

BEST decision of my life. I love my kids and I have a firece urge to protect them. Call it nature. I surprise myself by the extent of patience I have when parenting. I really enjoy being a mom. I just didn't have a strong urge beforehand, but I now feel that there's got to be a component of nature/DNA to my change.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2019 12:22     Subject: Re:what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:I can't speak for those who never wanted kids. I have 3 close girlfriends like this. I never had a burning desire but also was open. The one thing I'll say is if you've never wanted or have kids, you'll wonder sometimes. If you have, you will love. Regardless of how you felt pre-kids you would never regret and chances are you'd want more. It's not logical it's emotional.


You're totally ignoring all the anguished i-hate-my-tween threads on DCUM. Plus, so many parents have ideas about what their kid will be like but have no control if the kid turns out dull or worse, becomes a junkie.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2019 09:47     Subject: Re:what does it feel like to want to have kids?
I can't speak for those who never wanted kids. I have 3 close girlfriends like this. I never had a burning desire but also was open. The one thing I'll say is if you've never wanted or have kids, you'll wonder sometimes. If you have, you will love. Regardless of how you felt pre-kids you would never regret and chances are you'd want more. It's not logical it's emotional.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2019 08:48     Subject: what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:And if you can't understand that bringing a child into the world and raising them with love is more meaningful to most people than climbing some BS corporate ladder... well... frankly I'm glad your DNA won't be included in the next generation


This is OP - and I realize this is sort of a trolly response, but it's one I'd actually like to address. I think a lot of people assume that people - like me - decide not to have kids because we put career ahead of family. I'm sure that's true for some people. But it's actually not the case for me or for many of the other people without kids who I know. For many of us, not having kids has given us a lot of flexibility NOT to have to climb the corporate ladder. I know a lot of really interesting people with kids - and I also know a lot of really interesting people without kids. People who are pursuing the sorts of jobs that it might be hard t do if you needed to make enough $$ to save for college, or live in a good school district.

Anyway, I don't mean to sound defensive. It's just a strange stereotype of people with no kids - that we're all wearing suits on the weekends and using all that time we're not with kids to go earn some more money. I guess I should say - I am happy to answer anyone's questions about what it's like to not want kids, if anyone has any.

Again: I really do appreciate those who took the time to give such thoughtful responses.


I agree with you, OP! I have some childless friends and none of them are corporate ladder-climbers. They have other passions that are as equally important as loving a child.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2019 08:33     Subject: what does it feel like to want to have kids?
Anonymous wrote:And if you can't understand that bringing a child into the world and raising them with love is more meaningful to most people than climbing some BS corporate ladder... well... frankly I'm glad your DNA won't be included in the next generation


This is OP - and I realize this is sort of a trolly response, but it's one I'd actually like to address. I think a lot of people assume that people - like me - decide not to have kids because we put career ahead of family. I'm sure that's true for some people. But it's actually not the case for me or for many of the other people without kids who I know. For many of us, not having kids has given us a lot of flexibility NOT to have to climb the corporate ladder. I know a lot of really interesting people with kids - and I also know a lot of really interesting people without kids. People who are pursuing the sorts of jobs that it might be hard t do if you needed to make enough $$ to save for college, or live in a good school district.

Anyway, I don't mean to sound defensive. It's just a strange stereotype of people with no kids - that we're all wearing suits on the weekends and using all that time we're not with kids to go earn some more money. I guess I should say - I am happy to answer anyone's questions about what it's like to not want kids, if anyone has any.

Again: I really do appreciate those who took the time to give such thoughtful responses.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2019 20:39     Subject: what does it feel like to want to have kids?
And if you can't understand that bringing a child into the world and raising them with love is more meaningful to most people than climbing some BS corporate ladder... well... frankly I'm glad your DNA won't be included in the next generation