Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the wife is selfish, yes
If she is kind and normal, no

And *even if the wife is selfish,* the son has to co-sign on her behavior for it to be effective. Do you get it?

If I told my husband we'd be skipping holidays with his family and only spending them with my family, he'd give me an immediate and firm, "Hell no." If a selfish wife comes to a weaker husband with that same scenario, and he either says nothing or says "OK, honey," then that's still on HIM.

This is what I hate about the way some ILs choose to view DILs. Even if she is "selfish," *your son still went along with it, folks.* Sorry you raised such a spineless weakling who doesn't care enough about you to work on family dynamics with his wife.

Exactly.


Cant imagine being married to.some.of these men you all picked who have no backbone. It's not attesctive.

We see my inlaws once a week and I think that is healthy for everyone.

+1. I can't imagine being married to someone spineless, and I can't imagine being spineless, myself. I will bet that 90% of all "problems" in the Family Relationships forum could be solved if people calmly and simply opened their mouths and said, "X won't work for me, but how about Y?"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the wife is selfish, yes
If she is kind and normal, no

And *even if the wife is selfish,* the son has to co-sign on her behavior for it to be effective. Do you get it?

If I told my husband we'd be skipping holidays with his family and only spending them with my family, he'd give me an immediate and firm, "Hell no." If a selfish wife comes to a weaker husband with that same scenario, and he either says nothing or says "OK, honey," then that's still on HIM.

This is what I hate about the way some ILs choose to view DILs. Even if she is "selfish," *your son still went along with it, folks.* Sorry you raised such a spineless weakling who doesn't care enough about you to work on family dynamics with his wife.

Exactly.


Cant imagine being married to.some.of these men you all picked who have no backbone. It's not attesctive.

We see my inlaws once a week and I think that is healthy for everyone.

Anonymous wrote:If the wife is selfish, yes
If she is kind and normal, no

And *even if the wife is selfish,* the son has to co-sign on her behavior for it to be effective. Do you get it?

If I told my husband we'd be skipping holidays with his family and only spending them with my family, he'd give me an immediate and firm, "Hell no." If a selfish wife comes to a weaker husband with that same scenario, and he either says nothing or says "OK, honey," then that's still on HIM.

This is what I hate about the way some ILs choose to view DILs. Even if she is "selfish," *your son still went along with it, folks.* Sorry you raised such a spineless weakling who doesn't care enough about you to work on family dynamics with his wife.

If the husband is clueless, doesn’t talk much, and has a poor relationship with his parents, yes.

If the wife is selfish, yes
If she is kind and normal, no

My ILs live 30min away. We meet every Sunday for family dinner and game night. My own mom SUCKS and is self absorbed. She graces us with her presence when her schedule is open. My inlaws are at every school event, a lot of the kids sporting games, and always help out on a sick day or snow day with the kids. They happily take the kids for a weekend when DH and I need some time together.

Anonymous wrote:It seems to me that maternal grandparents are closer and more involved with their grandkids. Is this true? What are your experiences like?

Not mine.

My mon has watched my brothers son since birth. They are tight on cash so my mom stepped up. Naturally she is most close with my nephew.

Anonymous wrote:Kids aren’t stupid, OP. It is up to the grandparents what legacy they wish to leave.

Amen. Say it again.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's often true because mothers still typically manage most of the social calendar for children and the family. The kiss of death is for the MIL to expect her DIL to pick up the slack where the MIL failed to raise her own son. The DIL will keep up relationships with her own parents if she values them, but the son needs to do the same.

If you want to be involved with your son's children, then raise your son to be an equal partner with raising kids and maintaining family relationships. If you have daughters too, then raise your sons and daughters with equal division of household labor. Lay the expectation now for your sons to make or buy a gift for his parents' birthdays. Have your sons call their grandparents on their birthdays and send them cards.

On the other hand, I see a lot of times that the grown son doesn't like his parents so he doesn't want to make the effort to keep up close relationships. Then his parents blame his wife because they don't want to admit that they don't have a great relationship with their own son.

I've seen a lot of both situations.

And another one: sons who like their family and visit but when they get married just don't want to. Dh transferred his free time to his nuclear family. Nothing wrong with his family, he just doesn't want to visit constantly. He prefers to spend time with the kids locally instead of having them in the car to drive 3 hours to his family monthly. It's just a natural progression, but I was blamed for it.

Generally agree as it was true for my mum and grandmums (whose MILs were all total duds). But it is not true in my case. MIL treats me as her daughter and calls me daughter and we are very close. I honestly think we talk/ laugh more than she does with my sister-in-law (DHs sister).

They are a very reserved people and I bring her out of her shell and I think she enjoys that. Her other two grandkids, (my sister-in-law‘s kids) are much quieter and reserved and 5 to 10 years older than my clan so they are night and day with all our kids who are all loud, showy and bubbly but I think she really enjoys how outgoing they are and is proud of their self-esteem. DH and I are both the babies in our families and the kids inherited our personalities.

My side is just not very involved- live in another country and my siblings aren’t married or having kids and my mum is deceased. If she were alive we would’ve maintained a close relationship. One of the biggest things I miss about her is how much fun she and I would have with her and MIL all together. Anyway perhaps part of my closeness w MIL is because I lost my mum.

MIL seems to get a lot of glee out of favoring SIL's kids. It doesn't help that the rare times MIL visits, SIL calls and calls and calls, asking when MIL is coming back to her house (even the one time MIL came for our DD's birthday). Yes, MIL answers every time. Then she races out. We have given up. I feel sad for my DH. He sees how MIL clearly favors SIL's kids, and SIL works to keep this going. It has really ruined all of the relationships in the family - a formerly close family.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's often true because mothers still typically manage most of the social calendar for children and the family. The kiss of death is for the MIL to expect her DIL to pick up the slack where the MIL failed to raise her own son. The DIL will keep up relationships with her own parents if she values them, but the son needs to do the same.

If you want to be involved with your son's children, then raise your son to be an equal partner with raising kids and maintaining family relationships. If you have daughters too, then raise your sons and daughters with equal division of household labor. Lay the expectation now for your sons to make or buy a gift for his parents' birthdays. Have your sons call their grandparents on their birthdays and send them cards.

On the other hand, I see a lot of times that the grown son doesn't like his parents so he doesn't want to make the effort to keep up close relationships. Then his parents blame his wife because they don't want to admit that they don't have a great relationship with their own son.

I've seen a lot of both situations.

So exactly this.

My aunt and uncle raised their sons to quite literally be waited on by the women in their family--namely by my aunt herself, and by their daughter, who was the oldest. Women cooked, cleaned, did every single thing associated with birthdays and holidays, etc., etc. Men sat and talked at the table while women cleaned up the meal they made.

Well, thankfully, my male cousins from this family married modern, independent women with good heads on their shoulders. They aren't interested in doing all the emotional labor and family relationship management in their marriage, and rightfully so. As a result, my male cousins do NOTHING to stay connected with their parents or their sister, and somehow my aunt and uncle lay this at the feet of their DILs.

Both male cousins and their wives are expecting. Think my aunt and uncle will be close grandparents? Ha. You reap what you sow.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's often true because mothers still typically manage most of the social calendar for children and the family. The kiss of death is for the MIL to expect her DIL to pick up the slack where the MIL failed to raise her own son. The DIL will keep up relationships with her own parents if she values them, but the son needs to do the same.

If you want to be involved with your son's children, then raise your son to be an equal partner with raising kids and maintaining family relationships. If you have daughters too, then raise your sons and daughters with equal division of household labor. Lay the expectation now for your sons to make or buy a gift for his parents' birthdays. Have your sons call their grandparents on their birthdays and send them cards.

On the other hand, I see a lot of times that the grown son doesn't like his parents so he doesn't want to make the effort to keep up close relationships. Then his parents blame his wife because they don't want to admit that they don't have a great relationship with their own son.

I've seen a lot of both situations.

Yes! My mil thinks it’s my duty to schedule them in. Problem is that she’s been unappreciative and invalidating towards me and of my efforts, so now I do less. DH could do more, but he doesn’t really want to spend time with his family unless I force him to by scheduling them in. MIL would never admit to herself that maybe her own son doesn’t always enjoy spending time with his dysfunctional family.

Yes, it's often true because mothers still typically manage most of the social calendar for children and the family. The kiss of death is for the MIL to expect her DIL to pick up the slack where the MIL failed to raise her own son. The DIL will keep up relationships with her own parents if she values them, but the son needs to do the same.

If you want to be involved with your son's children, then raise your son to be an equal partner with raising kids and maintaining family relationships. If you have daughters too, then raise your sons and daughters with equal division of household labor. Lay the expectation now for your sons to make or buy a gift for his parents' birthdays. Have your sons call their grandparents on their birthdays and send them cards.

On the other hand, I see a lot of times that the grown son doesn't like his parents so he doesn't want to make the effort to keep up close relationships. Then his parents blame his wife because they don't want to admit that they don't have a great relationship with their own son.

I've seen a lot of both situations.

Kids aren’t stupid, OP. It is up to the grandparents what legacy they wish to leave.