Anonymous
01/12/2019 15:25
Subject: Issue with blended family
Anonymous wrote:Trust me, DH's wife is no saint. She told the entire neighborhood her inaccurate version of events before I even moved here. As a result, my kids are often excluded from things like birthday parties and sleepovers, she's that petty and bitter. She can't let go, and even flew out for a "weekend visit" with my in-laws last summer WITHOUT her kids. You don't know the whole story and I'm not going to say more.
She isn't a saint. You had an affair with her husband. The details don't matter. What matters is you and your husband destroyed two families in your selfishness. Why should she let it go? How would you feel if your husband cheated on you, which very well could happen. Your kids are excluded as they are not party of the social group. They are her friends and you choose to move to her neighborhood where everyone knew about the breakup and they don't want you as a friend.
Anonymous
01/12/2019 15:20
Subject: Issue with blended family
Anonymous wrote:Trust me, DH's wife is no saint. She told the entire neighborhood her inaccurate version of events before I even moved here. As a result, my kids are often excluded from things like birthday parties and sleepovers, she's that petty and bitter. She can't let go, and even flew out for a "weekend visit" with my in-laws last summer WITHOUT her kids. You don't know the whole story and I'm not going to say more.
The only reason there are events to dispute is that YOU CHOSE TO CHEAT. All she has to tell people is that you chose to cheat. It really makes no difference what else happened. She might be the worst wife ever, yet still YOU made the CHOICE to have an affair. And that will have consequences for your social relationships. You need to have realistic expectations. Not everyone is going to "let go" the instant you think they should. What she is saying is probably just the truth as she sees it. You just don't like to face it.
I think it's nice that she's maintaining a relationship with the grandparents of her children.
Anonymous
01/12/2019 15:18
Subject: Issue with blended family
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Trust me, DH's wife is no saint. She told the entire neighborhood her inaccurate version of events before I even moved here. As a result, my kids are often excluded from things like birthday parties and sleepovers, she's that petty and bitter. She can't let go, and even flew out for a "weekend visit" with my in-laws last summer WITHOUT her kids. You don't know the whole story and I'm not going to say more.
Ok. My second and last post, though if you have read 6 pages of responses essentially saying the same thing, and still don’t get it, this one won’t change your mind. So here is my last futile attempt.
Your neighbors don’t care about whatever you think she may have told them. They just don’t. Your 4 year old twins are too young for play dates and sleepovers and even your 7 year old is on the youngish side for sleepovers. So in your mind, the neighbors are having all these wonderful sleepovers for 4-5 year olds and not inviting your kids because of what your husband’s ex-wife said about you a year ago? It doesn’t occur to you that may be your kids are too young or any other reason? Or on top of the fact that your kids have lived there less than a year and 50% of the time, you want to send them off on a sleepover? Did you invite neighbor kids for play dates or sleepovers? Are the older kids being invited, while your younger kids are not? Or are no kids invited at all?
Also, why does it bother you so much what your ex-friend does with her time? She is free to socialize with your husbands family with or without kids. What is your issue with that? Or who she saw or didn’t see? The woman who welcomed you in her home, with your kids. You mentioned that you had play dates between your kids and hers, but given there is a 3 year difference between your oldest and her youngest, I doubt these were true play dates, but more like grown up get togethers and your older played with her kids. May be in your mind these were play dates, but as a mom of two kids who play with younger kid of freiemds, these are by no means play dates for the older kids. I would also be very bitter if a woman who I have welcomed and hosted in my home together with her kid, slept with my husband and ended up living in the same house she used to visit as a guest. You sure must understand why she is upset and bitter, no?
Stop being so egocentric. Not everything revolves around you. Not every decision your step kids, their mother, your in laws, or your neighbors do is about you. Try to step for a minute in others’ shoes and understand their perspective and show empathy and kindness.
This. What you are experiencing, OP, is called "being new in town". People don't have sleepovers with families they don't know well. If your children aren't around half the time, that's going to cut down on their social life. That's the price your children are paying for your divorce and decision to move.
Or maybe they don't want to be your friend because they see how you treat your friends.
Anonymous
01/12/2019 14:48
Subject: Issue with blended family
Anonymous wrote:I was not a long time family friend. Any play dates our kids had were part of much larger groups, so it isn't like they used to know me as a neighbor who is now their mom. At most, they remember me as someone their dad works with.
I have been to therapy related to my own divorce and I know it's best not to share adult information with kids. The kids have no business knowing about the sex lives of their parents. There are two sides to every story, and I'm honestly just trying to protect my kids from having their step brother from spew whatever version of the truth his mother has planted in his head. This isn't about me.
This is about protecting three young children from being exposed to misleading, inappropriate, and one-sided information that they are way too young to understand and process.
Take your feelings for me out of this scenario and please focus on how I can prevent the dysfunction that the step kids are dealing with from spreading to my kids. Mine are adjusting well and have accepted the divorce.
There's no way to prevent it. His kids, and family are going to tell your kids everything. My niece and nephew told me how their dad was cheating with his friends wife who is now his wife. She gave us the entire story years ago. Today his wife's only child rarely talks to her, and will not go over there. His kids visit but very seldom. Their childhood was pretty bad and there is still a lot of anger.
If you really want to protect your kids you need to get them out of that situation. My kids come before any man, why I am very close to them. They know who they are count on and trust. Believe me this will go down to the grand-kids.
Anonymous
01/12/2019 14:43
Subject: Issue with blended family
Anonymous wrote:Trust me, DH's wife is no saint. She told the entire neighborhood her inaccurate version of events before I even moved here. As a result, my kids are often excluded from things like birthday parties and sleepovers, she's that petty and bitter. She can't let go, and even flew out for a "weekend visit" with my in-laws last summer WITHOUT her kids. You don't know the whole story and I'm not going to say more.
Ok. My second and last post, though if you have read 6 pages of responses essentially saying the same thing, and still don’t get it, this one won’t change your mind. So here is my last futile attempt.
Your neighbors don’t care about whatever you think she may have told them. They just don’t. Your 4 year old twins are too young for play dates and sleepovers and even your 7 year old is on the youngish side for sleepovers. So in your mind, the neighbors are having all these wonderful sleepovers for 4-5 year olds and not inviting your kids because of what your husband’s ex-wife said about you a year ago? It doesn’t occur to you that may be your kids are too young or any other reason? Or on top of the fact that your kids have lived there less than a year and 50% of the time, you want to send them off on a sleepover? Did you invite neighbor kids for play dates or sleepovers? Are the older kids being invited, while your younger kids are not? Or are no kids invited at all?
Also, why does it bother you so much what your ex-friend does with her time? She is free to socialize with your husbands family with or without kids. What is your issue with that? Or who she saw or didn’t see? The woman who welcomed you in her home, with your kids. You mentioned that you had play dates between your kids and hers, but given there is a 3 year difference between your oldest and her youngest, I doubt these were true play dates, but more like grown up get togethers and your older played with her kids. May be in your mind these were play dates, but as a mom of two kids who play with younger kid of freiemds, these are by no means play dates for the older kids. I would also be very bitter if a woman who I have welcomed and hosted in my home together with her kid, slept with my husband and ended up living in the same house she used to visit as a guest. You sure must understand why she is upset and bitter, no?
Stop being so egocentric. Not everything revolves around you. Not every decision your step kids, their mother, your in laws, or your neighbors do is about you. Try to step for a minute in others’ shoes and understand their perspective and show empathy and kindness.
Anonymous
01/12/2019 14:36
Subject: Issue with blended family
Anonymous wrote:Trust me, DH's wife is no saint. She told the entire neighborhood her inaccurate version of events before I even moved here. As a result, my kids are often excluded from things like birthday parties and sleepovers, she's that petty and bitter. She can't let go, and even flew out for a "weekend visit" with my in-laws last summer WITHOUT her kids. You don't know the whole story and I'm not going to say more.
Is this fake or what?
If you were friends with this family and then slept with the dad...no wonder they all hate you. I hope the kids cut both of you off when they are in their teens. It's likely to happen, but I don't think this bf of yours will stay. You said DH's wife not ex wife above. Whatever is going on, his kids are no relation to yours. Don't force them to be together. Hopefully the ex wife is telling EVERYONE what you did. I would.
Why would you do that to your own kids? I can't stand parents that do that, make their kids live with their new spouses kids. Then pretend it's nicely blended. Rarely works and you mess up their lives.
Anonymous
01/12/2019 14:36
Subject: Issue with blended family
Anonymous wrote:Trust me, DH's wife is no saint. She told the entire neighborhood her inaccurate version of events before I even moved here. As a result, my kids are often excluded from things like birthday parties and sleepovers, she's that petty and bitter. She can't let go, and even flew out for a "weekend visit" with my in-laws last summer WITHOUT her kids. You don't know the whole story and I'm not going to say more.
You're second marriage is not going to last. May as while get out before you do any more damage to the kids.
Anonymous
01/12/2019 14:35
Subject: Issue with blended family
Anonymous wrote:Trust me, DH's wife is no saint. She told the entire neighborhood her inaccurate version of events before I even moved here. As a result, my kids are often excluded from things like birthday parties and sleepovers, she's that petty and bitter. She can't let go, and even flew out for a "weekend visit" with my in-laws last summer WITHOUT her kids. You don't know the whole story and I'm not going to say more.
Whatever she’s doing has zilch to do with how immature you are. Stop posting then - get your life and expectations together. The more you post the worse you sound and the less sympathy or empathy you will receive in this thread.
Anonymous
01/12/2019 14:15
Subject: Issue with blended family
Trust me, DH's wife is no saint. She told the entire neighborhood her inaccurate version of events before I even moved here. As a result, my kids are often excluded from things like birthday parties and sleepovers, she's that petty and bitter. She can't let go, and even flew out for a "weekend visit" with my in-laws last summer WITHOUT her kids. You don't know the whole story and I'm not going to say more.
Anonymous
01/12/2019 13:44
Subject: Issue with blended family
Anonymous wrote:So, you were their father’s co-worker or your husband was and you or both of you used to be invited over to birthday parties / events. At some point, you started having an affair with the dad. Mom found out, they got divorced. Within a year, the two of you have remarried. You wanted the step kids to move schools, give up on their activities, not tell their side of the story to your kids, and see the dad when all of you are together. The only reason that this did not register on your kids’ radar is that they are younger, but they will grow up and either their half siblings will tell them or they will put 2+2 together and realize what happened. You can’t change that. Agree with all of the above, tone down your selfishness and egocentrism though highly doubt that you are able to do that.
Reread this OP.
Not the PP that wrote it but you really need to be able to see this from their perspectives and I don't think you have that ability. It was YOUR choice to sleep with a married man and then marry him and bring him and his kids in the daily lives of your kids. This isn't about his kids at all and you better figure that out before your resentment towards them and their mom grows. It is completely misplaced. You haven't owned at all the impact of your actions on your kids. I don't know if you were married or divorced when you had the affair but your kids are likely too little to get the nuances. His kids aren't. And while kids don't need to know information about adult sex lives- you can see here why the affair was about so much more than sex. It devastated and caused emotional distress to their mother and led to the break up of the family. Tweens are going to be pulled into that emotion and will feel their own heartbreak. The mother can't be expected to shoulder responsibility for the family breakdown - she was a victim in this. They likely have already long figured out that you two had an affair and that their dad is why their home and family are now split up. In addition, you likely have been there all along since you were involved before the divorce so they had to adjust to all of that with you already in the picture - wanting them to be step siblings and step children while their worlds are still in chaos. And on top of that you give the message you need every other week alone with their dad but they get almost zero time alone with him and what they do have at activities you want to take away from them?
I truly hope your kids have a great dad and your DHs kids have a great mom because they certainly got the shitty end of the bargain when it comes to you and DH as parents.
Anonymous
01/12/2019 13:41
Subject: Issue with blended family
It's no use posting good advice. OP is still under affair fog.
Anonymous
01/12/2019 13:40
Subject: Re:Issue with blended family
Anonymous wrote:NP. Here's my assessment:
1. Start even just pretending that you care about your own kids. You can't be a quarter-time parent to 3 young kids. You want 50% of weeks off entirely, and then to mix in some other kids with yours on those 50% of weeks so it's more like they get 25% parenting time. That's 25% to share among 3 preschoolers!!
2. Stop expecting credit for things that you didn't do. You expect some sort of credit for moving to be with your new husband (!) when he has school aged children and you don't. You act like his ex is oh-so-unreasonable to not allow his children to switch school districts so he could move in with you, before acknowledging that the only reason you allowed it yourself is that your kids are too young to even be in school.
3. Start accepting responsibility for what you did. You had an affair. His kids know. There are no "two sides to the story" when you work with their dad for years, then the parents separate and you're married within a year. When you all have kids. That's just poor judgement all around, no other way to see it.
4. Start preparing for your children to realize your lack of character. Yes, they will start to ask questions soon enough. No, you can't silence your step-children.
5. Stop the entitlement. Yes, your new-husband-who-was-married-to-someone-else-a-year-ago's parents will not be shelling out the same level of love and attention and gifts to the children of the woman he had an affair with as they do to their own grandchildren. Deal with it.
6. Grow up. Sadly, there are a bunch of innocent kids mixed up in all of this selfishness and dysfunction. Hopefully your new husband's ex has a bit of sense so at least two of the kids might end up vaguely well adjusted at the end of all of this.
Good luck to your kids.
Oh, and I forgot one of the best parts - that you seems to seriously expect his tween/teen kids to stop their lives, give up their activities so they can tag along to your kids' preschool activities to watch them fingerpaint.
I really hope you're not a real person. It's sad to think that there are people as selfish and clueless as you in the world, and that they might be parents.
Please, please don't have any more kids.
Anonymous
01/12/2019 13:33
Subject: Re:Issue with blended family
NP. Here's my assessment:
1. Start even just pretending that you care about your own kids. You can't be a quarter-time parent to 3 young kids. You want 50% of weeks off entirely, and then to mix in some other kids with yours on those 50% of weeks so it's more like they get 25% parenting time. That's 25% to share among 3 preschoolers!!
2. Stop expecting credit for things that you didn't do. You expect some sort of credit for moving to be with your new husband (!) when he has school aged children and you don't. You act like his ex is oh-so-unreasonable to not allow his children to switch school districts so he could move in with you, before acknowledging that the only reason you allowed it yourself is that your kids are too young to even be in school.
3. Start accepting responsibility for what you did. You had an affair. His kids know. There are no "two sides to the story" when you work with their dad for years, then the parents separate and you're married within a year. When you all have kids. That's just poor judgement all around, no other way to see it.
4. Start preparing for your children to realize your lack of character. Yes, they will start to ask questions soon enough. No, you can't silence your step-children.
5. Stop the entitlement. Yes, your new-husband-who-was-married-to-someone-else-a-year-ago's parents will not be shelling out the same level of love and attention and gifts to the children of the woman he had an affair with as they do to their own grandchildren. Deal with it.
6. Grow up. Sadly, there are a bunch of innocent kids mixed up in all of this selfishness and dysfunction. Hopefully your new husband's ex has a bit of sense so at least two of the kids might end up vaguely well adjusted at the end of all of this.
Good luck to your kids.
1. Start even just pretending that you care about your own kids. You can't be a quarter-time parent to 3 young kids. You want 50% of weeks off entirely, and then to mix in some other kids with yours on those 50% of weeks so it's more like they get 25% parenting time. That's 25% to share among 3 preschoolers!!
2. Stop expecting credit for things that you didn't do. You expect some sort of credit for moving to be with your new husband (!) when he has school aged children and you don't. You act like his ex is oh-so-unreasonable to not allow his children to switch school districts so he could move in with you, before acknowledging that the only reason you allowed it yourself is that your kids are too young to even be in school.
3. Start accepting responsibility for what you did. You had an affair. His kids know. There are no "two sides to the story" when you work with their dad for years, then the parents separate and you're married within a year. When you all have kids. That's just poor judgement all around, no other way to see it.
4. Start preparing for your children to realize your lack of character. Yes, they will start to ask questions soon enough. No, you can't silence your step-children.
5. Stop the entitlement. Yes, your new-husband-who-was-married-to-someone-else-a-year-ago's parents will not be shelling out the same level of love and attention and gifts to the children of the woman he had an affair with as they do to their own grandchildren. Deal with it.
6. Grow up. Sadly, there are a bunch of innocent kids mixed up in all of this selfishness and dysfunction. Hopefully your new husband's ex has a bit of sense so at least two of the kids might end up vaguely well adjusted at the end of all of this.
Good luck to your kids.
Anonymous
01/12/2019 13:23
Subject: Re:Issue with blended family
Anonymous wrote:
Why can’t you change your custody schedule, then?
It doesn't make sense for me to be the one to change. My ex lives almost 45 minutes away, so the logistics of working out new schedules for my kids is much more difficult. I already had to move to my DH's neighborhood because his ex refused to allow his kids to switch schools, which I was willing to do since my oldest hadn't yet started school.
Why should his kids switch schools. You could have lived where ever you want but driven the kids back and forth. You had options.
Anonymous
01/12/2019 13:21
Subject: Issue with blended family
With 5 kids you need to divide and conquer not do everything together as its impossible to meet each child's needs. You sound like you want everything about your kids and not his. You have his kids two weeks a month. He should focus on his kids.