Anonymous wrote:I hate that if you aren’t completely bonded with your step child you’re considered an awful person.

My SS bio mom actually thanked me for never crossing the line and trying to be his “mom”

We don’t have custody, so his bio mom is actively in his life. He knows I’m a trusted adult he can depend on, but his mom is his mom. I’ve been in his life since he was in elem school (he’s not in Hs) and this is how it’s always been. I never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable by forcing affection, or disrespect his mom.

I think it all depends on the custody arrangements and age of SC.

What you are describing is worlds different from what some of the step mothers in this thread are describing.

I've been in this situation. My mother and father got divorced when I was in early elementary. My mother was the primary for a few years until she passed and then I moved in with my dad (who did little to no parenting for years and was dating and re-married to a woman who was about 10 years younger than my mom). My dad and step mother went on to have three more kids and while I love my siblings (they are great, nice people), my dad and stepmom are utter garbage.

All of the resources went to my step mom kids. All of the effort, love, etc. went to those kids. From BOTH of them. My dad, before my mother died, said to me "this is my shot of getting a chance to do things the right way and be the father I should be." What I didn't realize was that I wasn't included.

I had a minimal support system through high school and kept my head down, worked and focused on college and moving on. I moved on, went to college (had a free ride with a stipend at a generic state U). I put myself through med school and I basically was on my own.

I have no relationship with either parent. My step mom was diagnosed with dementia and while I feel for them, we don't have a relationship. Like at all. She didn't even come to my college graduation, wedding, med school graduation or anything.

I like my siblings and in a way they sort of agree and see how things have shaken out. My father doesn't, but I really don't have a relationship with him beyond superficial hellos.

My view is that when it comes to kids you have to decide a long game or short one. If it's a short game, then by all means hoard resources, isolate and push the kid or kids away. A betting person would probably think this sort of emotional abuse would screw them up enough that they will never, ever get their lives together, get money, and go on and live their best lives.

The long game is love. While no one can replace a parent, adults can be special, supportive people and invest in children. It's a choice when this doesn't happen.

Anonymous wrote:H and I don't have joint accounts, but we still treat our money jointly if that makes sense. We split the bills that way pay. That includes saving for SD's college and paying for her clothes/activities/expenses.

However, SD's biomom isn't very involved (less than 15% parenting time and doesn't get child support) so it makes sense for us to share the burden financially.

I am the same PP as above coming in to add more - just wanted to add that I don't think anything about our arrangement is unfair. We have SD over 85% of the time and we are the active parents in her school, activities, and life. It would feel very strange to me not to share the financial burden of raising her with my H. I'm very well aware I'm not her "real mom" and I don't try to be, but I have never treated her any differently than my own DD in terms of emotional and financial support.

H and I don't have joint accounts, but we still treat our money jointly if that makes sense. We split the bills that way pay. That includes saving for SD's college and paying for her clothes/activities/expenses.

However, SD's biomom isn't very involved (less than 15% parenting time and doesn't get child support) so it makes sense for us to share the burden financially.

Anonymous wrote:Nothing. I make it a point to keep our finances separate to ensure that I don't contribute financially to DH's kids. Not that I don't like them or anything but they have two parents who work and pay for their upkeep. I might get flamed for saying this, but I see myself as DH"s wife and that is that. I am not their mother, I didn't create them so why should I pay for them? An older coworker I know is still working because she spent her retirement money on her second husband's son's college bill, and interestingly enough, her husband left her for a younger woman! So call me cynical but I would never want to be used or feel used that way.

My ex’s new wife doesn’t contribute to her step-kids. I wouldn’t mind so much about not spending on college, activities and health care, but she hasn’t so much as bought a bed for them to sleep on during visitation.

And new wife demands my ex spend a lot of money on her - engagement ring from Tiffany, expensive wedding and honeymoon, expensive vacations, and multiple trips abroad each year - often scheduled during the kids holidays. Oh, and because they got married without considering how her income would impact financial aid, her resources affect the share of college that ex is supposed to pay for (which he doesn’t anyway.)

The whole thing is pretty sad. I don’t expect her to pay, but I also don’t expect her to make life harder for my kids, and I expect her to treat my kids as well as any stranger in her home. Kids don’t know the financial details but new wife’s attitude bleeds out in other ways.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate that if you aren’t completely bonded with your step child you’re considered an awful person.

My SS bio mom actually thanked me for never crossing the line and trying to be his “mom”

We don’t have custody, so his bio mom is actively in his life. He knows I’m a trusted adult he can depend on, but his mom is his mom. I’ve been in his life since he was in elem school (he’s not in Hs) and this is how it’s always been. I never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable by forcing affection, or disrespect his mom.

I think it all depends on the custody arrangements and age of SC.

Sad that you think being completely bonded with a SC requires you to cross that line.

Who is this Pollyanna? In most cases, stepkids dont see you as a parental figure. Just their parent's spouse. They dont need another mom or dad.

I haven’t tried to replace his mom, but I do feel a moral responsibility to help SS when I can. Just as his father helps my DD. You can love a child without supplanting the parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate that if you aren’t completely bonded with your step child you’re considered an awful person.

My SS bio mom actually thanked me for never crossing the line and trying to be his “mom”

We don’t have custody, so his bio mom is actively in his life. He knows I’m a trusted adult he can depend on, but his mom is his mom. I’ve been in his life since he was in elem school (he’s not in Hs) and this is how it’s always been. I never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable by forcing affection, or disrespect his mom.

I think it all depends on the custody arrangements and age of SC.

Sad that you think being completely bonded with a SC requires you to cross that line.

Who is this Pollyanna? In most cases, stepkids dont see you as a parental figure. Just their parent's spouse. They dont need another mom or dad.

I think a lot of that is dependent on how old the SC were when the marriage occurred. My stepmother and father got married when I was 4, and she was absolutely a “parental” figure in my life. Still treated me and my sister like we were my dad’s baggage—and they only saw us every other weekend!

Dad was probably paying child support which is a huge factor in things as he is paying for you, but Mom then takes the credit for buying everything even if it is Dad's money. Its very hard to feel any attachment to kids who you see 4 days a month. That was the typical and often is the typical visitation schedule so after so long, if a Dad is not parenting daily, you lose that bond of parenting and its is more like an uncle or visitor in your house. (which is shy the every other weekend is very bad for kids and their parents)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate that if you aren’t completely bonded with your step child you’re considered an awful person.

My SS bio mom actually thanked me for never crossing the line and trying to be his “mom”

We don’t have custody, so his bio mom is actively in his life. He knows I’m a trusted adult he can depend on, but his mom is his mom. I’ve been in his life since he was in elem school (he’s not in Hs) and this is how it’s always been. I never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable by forcing affection, or disrespect his mom.

I think it all depends on the custody arrangements and age of SC.

Sad that you think being completely bonded with a SC requires you to cross that line.

Who is this Pollyanna? In most cases, stepkids dont see you as a parental figure. Just their parent's spouse. They dont need another mom or dad.

I think a lot of that is dependent on how old the SC were when the marriage occurred. My stepmother and father got married when I was 4, and she was absolutely a “parental” figure in my life. Still treated me and my sister like we were my dad’s baggage—and they only saw us every other weekend!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed a flurry of threads relating to stepparents and expectations of money as if to say that stepparents who don't contribute financially to their spouse's kids regardless of age are mean, controlling and evil. There's one about the SAHM who complains that her DH wouldn't allow her to take any of his money to give to her DS in college. There's another one by a grown woman who begrudges that the wealthy stepdad doesn't treat her with gifts and trips the way he does with his own daughters. And so many responses speak of treating step and bio children completely equally without consideration for the stepparents' finite resources and relationship with the spouse's children. Personally, I think it's idealistic to expect a stepparent to contribute financially when there is no guarantee of any love, care or gratitude by the stepchildren. So I'm curious about just how much you have or continue to spend on your spouse's children? What factors have you taken in consideration? And if you are no longer married to that spouse, do you still provide financial support?

I’m a step mom to three and we did not merge finances. My husband pays child support and I pay for most expenses for the child we have together. That evens out pretty well.

For my step kids, I do pay for cell phones, clothing, school-related items like graphing calculators and chrome books. One time things that come up.

But I do not agree with the “conditional” spending concept you are setting out here....thinking the step kids have to love me or be grateful in return, or else my contributions are thankless and not necessary. I buy them stuff the same way I buy my kid stuff, based on what I think they need, what would make life easier, and some of what they want. They don’t love me. They may be fond of me. This is not why I signed up to be a step parent. These are kids (now adults in my case), and they need adults to look out for them and care for them. Period.

I dont think OP was saying that. OP says to be realistic about what you can expect especially in cases where the stepkids are older and you may be paying for them at your own expense, eg college versus retirement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate that if you aren’t completely bonded with your step child you’re considered an awful person.

My SS bio mom actually thanked me for never crossing the line and trying to be his “mom”

We don’t have custody, so his bio mom is actively in his life. He knows I’m a trusted adult he can depend on, but his mom is his mom. I’ve been in his life since he was in elem school (he’s not in Hs) and this is how it’s always been. I never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable by forcing affection, or disrespect his mom.

I think it all depends on the custody arrangements and age of SC.

Sad that you think being completely bonded with a SC requires you to cross that line.

Who is this Pollyanna? In most cases, stepkids dont see you as a parental figure. Just their parent's spouse. They dont need another mom or dad.

Anonymous wrote:I hate that if you aren’t completely bonded with your step child you’re considered an awful person.

My SS bio mom actually thanked me for never crossing the line and trying to be his “mom”

We don’t have custody, so his bio mom is actively in his life. He knows I’m a trusted adult he can depend on, but his mom is his mom. I’ve been in his life since he was in elem school (he’s not in Hs) and this is how it’s always been. I never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable by forcing affection, or disrespect his mom.

I think it all depends on the custody arrangements and age of SC.

Sad that you think being completely bonded with a SC requires you to cross that line.

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed a flurry of threads relating to stepparents and expectations of money as if to say that stepparents who don't contribute financially to their spouse's kids regardless of age are mean, controlling and evil. There's one about the SAHM who complains that her DH wouldn't allow her to take any of his money to give to her DS in college. There's another one by a grown woman who begrudges that the wealthy stepdad doesn't treat her with gifts and trips the way he does with his own daughters. And so many responses speak of treating step and bio children completely equally without consideration for the stepparents' finite resources and relationship with the spouse's children. Personally, I think it's idealistic to expect a stepparent to contribute financially when there is no guarantee of any love, care or gratitude by the stepchildren. So I'm curious about just how much you have or continue to spend on your spouse's children? What factors have you taken in consideration? And if you are no longer married to that spouse, do you still provide financial support?

I’m a step mom to three and we did not merge finances. My husband pays child support and I pay for most expenses for the child we have together. That evens out pretty well.

For my step kids, I do pay for cell phones, clothing, school-related items like graphing calculators and chrome books. One time things that come up.

But I do not agree with the “conditional” spending concept you are setting out here....thinking the step kids have to love me or be grateful in return, or else my contributions are thankless and not necessary. I buy them stuff the same way I buy my kid stuff, based on what I think they need, what would make life easier, and some of what they want. They don’t love me. They may be fond of me. This is not why I signed up to be a step parent. These are kids (now adults in my case), and they need adults to look out for them and care for them. Period.

I hate that if you aren’t completely bonded with your step child you’re considered an awful person.

My SS bio mom actually thanked me for never crossing the line and trying to be his “mom”

We don’t have custody, so his bio mom is actively in his life. He knows I’m a trusted adult he can depend on, but his mom is his mom. I’ve been in his life since he was in elem school (he’s not in Hs) and this is how it’s always been. I never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable by forcing affection, or disrespect his mom.

I think it all depends on the custody arrangements and age of SC.

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t get married to someone with children if you don’t wish to take on the “burden.” Christmas gifts is the least of it. Love is the most of it. I’ve had a step parent since I was a little girl and he always considered us a burden and wasn’t shy about saying so!

Wow. This says more about how terrible your mother was to keep this person in your life than your stepfather.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Personally, I think it's idealistic to expect a stepparent to contribute financially when there is no guarantee of any love, care or gratitude by the stepchildren.

Wow. WOW.

Maybe you shouldn't have married someone that already had children if you wanted to be 100% certain your stepchildren (who have already had to navigate the tricky and sometimes ugly world of divorced parents, and now have to contend with getting thrown into a blended family with no say on the situation) to love and care for you unconditionally and express unreserved gratitude for you gracing their pathetic little.lives with your glowing, angelic presence.

See, it's expectations like these that make lives for stepparents a lot harder. Nothing in your post indicates why financial contribution to the children is an obligation. Stepparents didnt create the kids, it's the bio parents who did. No one is saying stepchildren need to love the stepparents or vice versa. Maybe if you stop looking at life through rose-tinted glasses, then you'll understand that no one needs to grovel before anyone.