Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Always 50/50, OP.

It's not about the money, or about your relationship. It's that every child has value to his or her parent, even if they haven't acted perfectly. You shouldn't get more just because you are looking after your mother during the last years of her life.

And who are you to judge whether your sister felt uncomfortable in your stepfather's presence? What if it's true? Give me a break.

+1000

Also it's not your decision it's your mother's

Anonymous wrote:
Always 50/50, OP.

It's not about the money, or about your relationship. It's that every child has value to his or her parent, even if they haven't acted perfectly. You shouldn't get more just because you are looking after your mother during the last years of her life.

And who are you to judge whether your sister felt uncomfortable in your stepfather's presence? What if it's true? Give me a break.

+1000

A gifted amount for any and all caretakers. Whatever other other charitable gifts she wants to make. Children divide the rest equally to avoid drama but the helpful child is still compensated in some way.

Anonymous wrote:I think the mother should pay the care-giving sister a modest stipend, and then split the estate 50/50.

I say this from experience, only that I am the "less helpful" sister. (Don't get me wrong, I still do plenty, but my sister does more due to my slight disability that makes lifting hard for me. So sis takes Mom to the doctors and on errands, as it involves assisting her from the wheelchair to the car and such.)

I suggested to Mom that she pay sis, and at first Mom was reluctant. She kept saying it should be 50/50, but I said I was fine with it - and in fact it made me more comfortable since my sister is devoting more time. But I insisted, and so she did. I would rather my sister have a bit more money to avoid any resentment she might otherwise feel (although I didn't detect any).

So, my advice is to pay a minimal stipend to the caregiver.

+1

I agree. I have seen a family situation where the favored child moved the elderly parent in with them, and then stole money from the elderly parent, and claimed "there was no money". Turns out, there was a substantial (about $100k, which is a lot to some people) life insurance policy, that the abusive sibling took out on the elderly parent, paid for with the elderly parent's own money. In addition, the elderly parent was forced to write a check (about $36k) upon "moving in" with the sibling, and the elderly parent had at least $100k in savings/simple investments - so that is almost a quarter million dollars. In addition, the elderly parent had bought the sibling the large house that the elderly parent moved into, about ten years later. Meanwhile the abusive sibling also siphoned money from the elderly parent regularly, on top of getting major gifts like new top end appliances throughout the house, and new high end his and hers racing bikes. The abusive sibling collected a "fee", and also collected "rent" from the parent, while the parent cooked and cleaned and picked up after four dogs that are NOT at all house trained. Disgusting.

Point being, people really take advantage of the situation, if they are that type of person - I owed hope it is not common. Most people do not stoop that low. OP, as long as it is not that type of situation, I agree with this PP.

If your sister has children then I’d give them most of tbe sister’s 50%.

My siblings and I haven’t had to deal with elder care yet but my older brother has treated my mother like crap for decades just bc he’s a selfish jerk. He’ll get a token amount and his kids will get his “share” of our moms money.

OP it sounds like you’ve maneuvered your mother into leaving what you want by labeling it as for the grandchildren. If your younger sister eventually has kids-will these kids get anything?

It really awful that you cast your own sister as a liar when the scenario she’s described is SO common. As you are clearly not an allay-that as the younger, more vulnerable child she was probably groomed for the abuse and alienated from you/your mother by your distrustful natures-it only gives your sister more credence that she’s stayed away from helping. Her own mother not believing her must be so hurtful

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. She gets to inherit equally. I am the only caregiver for my dad and my aunt (two seperate households). They pay for all their expenses. The money of my dad will be split between myself and my brother. My aunt's money will be split between my two cousins. She will probably give some piece of jewellery for me, but she may not.

One thing as a caretaker I have felt keenly is that life is too short to burn all bridges. If you are in a position to help in any way, you do that and be grateful that you are a caregiver not a care receiver. The money belongs equally to the heirs or offsprings of the person. It is just bad on so many levels to cut someone off. This can be never something that a parent wants for their offsprings. Tell your parent that the money should come to both the offsprings and when they breathe their last they will go happier.

I am the primary caregiver for my parents, though I have some paid help. Both of my parents have dementia. I sort of agree re making things equal....but at the same time, I am sacrificing a lot, financially and careerwise. I am living in their house out of necessity, but I am paying for my personal expenses other than health insurance, which my parents pay. If I was charging their estate even minimum wage, it would help. But I am not. My brother and sister do NOTHING. Yet they will inherit equally. My parents have actually said they think I should get more. But, since they have dementia....I am scared for them to change their wills. So, it is what it is. The inheritance I will receive will be pretty large even despite being split equally. If it was smaller, and I needed the money, I might feel differently and try to get some of my expenses covered.

Probably best to split equally though I agree it is not fair.

pp here - i should add, while i have free housing, i don not want to live in this location. there are no jobs for me here and even if there were i need to be around the house all the time anyway due to the dementia. so the free housing isnt really a bonus.

Anonymous wrote:I think the mother should pay the care-giving sister a modest stipend, and then split the estate 50/50.

I say this from experience, only that I am the "less helpful" sister. (Don't get me wrong, I still do plenty, but my sister does more due to my slight disability that makes lifting hard for me. So sis takes Mom to the doctors and on errands, as it involves assisting her from the wheelchair to the car and such.)

I suggested to Mom that she pay sis, and at first Mom was reluctant. She kept saying it should be 50/50, but I said I was fine with it - and in fact it made me more comfortable since my sister is devoting more time. But I insisted, and so she did. I would rather my sister have a bit more money to avoid any resentment she might otherwise feel (although I didn't detect any).

So, my advice is to pay a minimal stipend to the caregiver.

wow. as the caregiver whose siblings do nothing and who actually argue their families deserve to inherit more because they have kids and i dont, can i say thank you? you sound like a very good person.

Op, you do DESERVE more. But is that worth the drama of it not being split equally? Probably not, but maybe. Would need more details - has your care of your parents been how many hours a week, did you take less hours at work and make less money due to their care etc.

Anonymous wrote:Yes. She gets to inherit equally. I am the only caregiver for my dad and my aunt (two seperate households). They pay for all their expenses. The money of my dad will be split between myself and my brother. My aunt's money will be split between my two cousins. She will probably give some piece of jewellery for me, but she may not.

One thing as a caretaker I have felt keenly is that life is too short to burn all bridges. If you are in a position to help in any way, you do that and be grateful that you are a caregiver not a care receiver. The money belongs equally to the heirs or offsprings of the person. It is just bad on so many levels to cut someone off. This can be never something that a parent wants for their offsprings. Tell your parent that the money should come to both the offsprings and when they breathe their last they will go happier.

I am the primary caregiver for my parents, though I have some paid help. Both of my parents have dementia. I sort of agree re making things equal....but at the same time, I am sacrificing a lot, financially and careerwise. I am living in their house out of necessity, but I am paying for my personal expenses other than health insurance, which my parents pay. If I was charging their estate even minimum wage, it would help. But I am not. My brother and sister do NOTHING. Yet they will inherit equally. My parents have actually said they think I should get more. But, since they have dementia....I am scared for them to change their wills. So, it is what it is. The inheritance I will receive will be pretty large even despite being split equally. If it was smaller, and I needed the money, I might feel differently and try to get some of my expenses covered.

Probably best to split equally though I agree it is not fair.

I think the mother should pay the care-giving sister a modest stipend, and then split the estate 50/50.

I say this from experience, only that I am the "less helpful" sister. (Don't get me wrong, I still do plenty, but my sister does more due to my slight disability that makes lifting hard for me. So sis takes Mom to the doctors and on errands, as it involves assisting her from the wheelchair to the car and such.)

I suggested to Mom that she pay sis, and at first Mom was reluctant. She kept saying it should be 50/50, but I said I was fine with it - and in fact it made me more comfortable since my sister is devoting more time. But I insisted, and so she did. I would rather my sister have a bit more money to avoid any resentment she might otherwise feel (although I didn't detect any).

So, my advice is to pay a minimal stipend to the caregiver.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: My sister has said our stepdad didn't touch her but he looked at her and made her feel uncomfortable. Of course he looked at us. He also helped us with homework, sports, etc.

She won't help care for my mom but I really think it's her selfishness. She has a very busy social and career life. No, I don't ask my mom to pay me for going to see about her. Maybe I should but that seems really mercenary. I consider it part of my family responsibility. By the same token my sister's neglect doubles the amount I need to do so I don't think she's entitled to half.

Could it be that sister was prettier and thus a target of stepdad's lecherous looking? Could that have made OP jealous because the male in the house was paying the sister more attention?

OP also sounds jealous of sister's social life and career. Perhaps this is more about sibling rivalry and a case of sour grapes as far as OP is concerned and she is justifying it to show that she is a better daughter to her mother. In reality, a good daughter would give her parents the happiness of thinking that the relationship between the siblings was loving, even if it was a pretence for the sake of parents.

Your points are really bizarre. I don't know any woman who thinks that way. *Shudder*
And her being jealous? My siblings do most of the caretaking and I would absolutely insist they get more than me. It seems only fair.

Do you know any women who think it’s cool for a man to leer at his stepdaughters?

Yeah, PP is super creepy. There are zero teenage who would be jealous of an old man flirting with her sister.

No matter what the girls relationship is like, I find it hard to believe that any girl would secretly be jealous of that - but especially not a teen.

You'd be surprised. When you have a situation where one sibling is emotionally neglected while the other is given inappropriate attention, the neglected sibling is often jealous of the attention, affection, etc., being lavished on the abused sibling, even when that attention/affection is inappropriate. Because they are viewing it through their lens of their own neglect, all the neglected sibling can see is that the abused sibling is getting love and attention that the neglected sibling is not, and they feel jealous. In turn, the abused sibling will tend to minimize the suffering of the neglected sibling, seeing only that the neglected sibling wasn't abused and not that the neglected sibling's needs weren't being met either, that the neglected sibling suffered as well, albeit differently. I can't speak to whether this is/was the dynamic between OP and her sister, but it's not uncommon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: My sister has said our stepdad didn't touch her but he looked at her and made her feel uncomfortable. Of course he looked at us. He also helped us with homework, sports, etc.

She won't help care for my mom but I really think it's her selfishness. She has a very busy social and career life. No, I don't ask my mom to pay me for going to see about her. Maybe I should but that seems really mercenary. I consider it part of my family responsibility. By the same token my sister's neglect doubles the amount I need to do so I don't think she's entitled to half.

Could it be that sister was prettier and thus a target of stepdad's lecherous looking? Could that have made OP jealous because the male in the house was paying the sister more attention?

OP also sounds jealous of sister's social life and career. Perhaps this is more about sibling rivalry and a case of sour grapes as far as OP is concerned and she is justifying it to show that she is a better daughter to her mother. In reality, a good daughter would give her parents the happiness of thinking that the relationship between the siblings was loving, even if it was a pretence for the sake of parents.

Your points are really bizarre. I don't know any woman who thinks that way. *Shudder*

And her being jealous? My siblings do most of the caretaking and I would absolutely insist they get more than me. It seems only fair.

NP-Obviously you have not been exposed to homes with this abuse dynamic. I have and so have the friends I shared this thread with. The poster you are replying to is correct in identifying those factors. Also, if he had touched her, why would she tell this OP? She in no way seems an ally or sympatnetic. There is a lot of shame and vulnerability with being or having been the victim of abuse. I wouldn’t share anything, includingthe degree of it with this OP, sister or not. I’ll bet he did touch her and OP is unworthy of being her confidant.
Personally, I think the sisters should be 50/50 split, after some has been removed to cover the mother’s care. If you are blessed with great wealth then taking care of your mother’s needs without depleting her estate would also be fine and you recoup some from the 50/50 split. This is what we did, with the wealthiest sibling refusing her inheritance and dividing it only between the other two siblings.

Split it 65/35. But tell her that it was 50/50, and shell be happier. not that you'll ever see her again

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: My sister has said our stepdad didn't touch her but he looked at her and made her feel uncomfortable. Of course he looked at us. He also helped us with homework, sports, etc.

She won't help care for my mom but I really think it's her selfishness. She has a very busy social and career life. No, I don't ask my mom to pay me for going to see about her. Maybe I should but that seems really mercenary. I consider it part of my family responsibility. By the same token my sister's neglect doubles the amount I need to do so I don't think she's entitled to half.

Could it be that sister was prettier and thus a target of stepdad's lecherous looking? Could that have made OP jealous because the male in the house was paying the sister more attention?

OP also sounds jealous of sister's social life and career. Perhaps this is more about sibling rivalry and a case of sour grapes as far as OP is concerned and she is justifying it to show that she is a better daughter to her mother. In reality, a good daughter would give her parents the happiness of thinking that the relationship between the siblings was loving, even if it was a pretence for the sake of parents.

Your points are really bizarre. I don't know any woman who thinks that way. *Shudder*
And her being jealous? My siblings do most of the caretaking and I would absolutely insist they get more than me. It seems only fair.

Do you know any women who think it’s cool for a man to leer at his stepdaughters?

Yeah, PP is super creepy. There are zero teenage who would be jealous of an old man flirting with her sister.

No matter what the girls relationship is like, I find it hard to believe that any girl would secretly be jealous of that - but especially not a teen.