Anonymous wrote:

We’ve recently started the process of adopting, and I’m discouraged by the anti-adoption sentiment I’ve been reading about in various online groups. There’s certainly a lot to be learned from the perspectives of adoptees who have had bad experiences, but does the average adoptee really feel so negatively? Or is it a case of the type of people who write about their adoption not being a representative sample of adoptees? If you are an adult adoptee, or close enough to one to know how they really feel, I’m interested to hear more. The very small number of adoptees I know firsthand seem as happy with their lives as anyone else, but they may not be a representative sample either.

Example of what I mean by anti-adoption sentiment- someone shared a photo captioned “adoption is love” and was told that was extremely offensive, that adoption rips a baby from its mother and is basically human trafficking.

So, because one person expressed this very extreme view, you assume that all adoptees feel this way and are chronically unhappy? Remember that all adopted people are different, and how they came to join their families, at what age, whether they are the same race, etc., are all different. There is no guarantee that ANY child will grow up happy, or will fit in to their family, regardless of what their DNA is.
If you plan to adopt, stop reading these sites and focus on your own family. Yes, there are many well-adjusted, happy people out there who just so happen to be adopted.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and if you are adopting transracially, get your white privilege in check (for white adoptive parents adopting children of color). make sure your kids will have racial mirrors in their lives. Are you willing to stand up to your Fox news loving uncle who says black kids are thugs? can you find a barber to do your your black son's hair? these things matter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

Then you should not adopt. Period. An adoptee’s bio family is her family. Her first mother IS her mother. She may have brothers and sisters. You would be her adoptive mom and if you do it right, you are her famiky, too, but you NEVER negate the existence of her first family. And just as we all have some family that we are closer to, some family we “click” with, and some family we don’t, an adopted child may choose to spend more time with her first family than yours someday. That is okay. If you are open and accepting of the reality of your child’s first family, all the better for all of you. But if you can only be happy raising an adopted child by erasing her first family, do NOT adopt. You are what anti-adoption blogs are made of.

Adoptee here, and you need to stop generalizing. My biological mother is NOT my mother. My biological family is NOT my family, first or otherwise. My mother is the woman who raised me. My family are the people who loved me. Period.

Other adoptees may feel differently, which is fine--we all have different experiences. It just drives me nuts when people generalize.

Whoa, way to erase the woman who gestated you for 9 months. I get it, you love your mom. She raised you well but apparently not with empathy, because you did indeed have a first mother who very likely loved you as well.

I had a biological mother. She gave birth to me. She immediately gave me up for adoption. I was adopted very shortly after birth, and the only mother I've ever known is my mom. I've no doubt that she did so, at least in part, out of love for me and the belief that I would be better off. But she's not my mother. It's not "erasing" her to say that. She still exists, she just has nothing to do with my life at all. You really need to stop talking about things you don't understand.

My son was unhappy while he was in limbo. He was unsure of his place in the family, a lot more than I realized at the time. He was quiet and shy and never fully relaxed. After he was adopted his behavior was really bad for about two months, and then we got really strict and gave him a lot of attention and boundaries and he settled down and became a bit louder and more out-going. Still a quiet kid overall, but willing to get loud and own the space he took up.

He's in his mid 20's now and we've talked about it several times. He looks back on his single-digit years as unhappy but from 5th grade on very happy and secure.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

Then you should not adopt. Period. An adoptee’s bio family is her family. Her first mother IS her mother. She may have brothers and sisters. You would be her adoptive mom and if you do it right, you are her famiky, too, but you NEVER negate the existence of her first family. And just as we all have some family that we are closer to, some family we “click” with, and some family we don’t, an adopted child may choose to spend more time with her first family than yours someday. That is okay. If you are open and accepting of the reality of your child’s first family, all the better for all of you. But if you can only be happy raising an adopted child by erasing her first family, do NOT adopt. You are what anti-adoption blogs are made of.

Adoptee here, and you need to stop generalizing. My biological mother is NOT my mother. My biological family is NOT my family, first or otherwise. My mother is the woman who raised me. My family are the people who loved me. Period.

Other adoptees may feel differently, which is fine--we all have different experiences. It just drives me nuts when people generalize.

Whoa, way to erase the woman who gestated you for 9 months. I get it, you love your mom. She raised you well but apparently not with empathy, because you did indeed have a first mother who very likely loved you as well.

There is no such thing as a first mother, especially when most birth mom's don't parent their child. My child was with his birth mom less than 18 hours until they were discharged from the hospital and that is only because they refused to tell the hospital it was an adoption.

You can have empathy and love for your birthmom/parents but its very different relationships. Your birth mom is not there every day when you are sick, putting you to bed, taking you to the doctor, taking you to school/activities, and providing in every way possible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

Then you should not adopt. Period. An adoptee’s bio family is her family. Her first mother IS her mother. She may have brothers and sisters. You would be her adoptive mom and if you do it right, you are her famiky, too, but you NEVER negate the existence of her first family. And just as we all have some family that we are closer to, some family we “click” with, and some family we don’t, an adopted child may choose to spend more time with her first family than yours someday. That is okay. If you are open and accepting of the reality of your child’s first family, all the better for all of you. But if you can only be happy raising an adopted child by erasing her first family, do NOT adopt. You are what anti-adoption blogs are made of.

Adoptee here, and you need to stop generalizing. My biological mother is NOT my mother. My biological family is NOT my family, first or otherwise. My mother is the woman who raised me. My family are the people who loved me. Period.

Other adoptees may feel differently, which is fine--we all have different experiences. It just drives me nuts when people generalize.

Whoa, way to erase the woman who gestated you for 9 months. I get it, you love your mom. She raised you well but apparently not with empathy, because you did indeed have a first mother who very likely loved you as well.

Whoa, you need to stop speaking for adoptees. Stop erasing their voices. Just stop.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

Then you should not adopt. Period. An adoptee’s bio family is her family. Her first mother IS her mother. She may have brothers and sisters. You would be her adoptive mom and if you do it right, you are her famiky, too, but you NEVER negate the existence of her first family. And just as we all have some family that we are closer to, some family we “click” with, and some family we don’t, an adopted child may choose to spend more time with her first family than yours someday. That is okay. If you are open and accepting of the reality of your child’s first family, all the better for all of you. But if you can only be happy raising an adopted child by erasing her first family, do NOT adopt. You are what anti-adoption blogs are made of.

Adoptee here, and you need to stop generalizing. My biological mother is NOT my mother. My biological family is NOT my family, first or otherwise. My mother is the woman who raised me. My family are the people who loved me. Period.

Other adoptees may feel differently, which is fine--we all have different experiences. It just drives me nuts when people generalize.

Whoa, way to erase the woman who gestated you for 9 months. I get it, you love your mom. She raised you well but apparently not with empathy, because you did indeed have a first mother who very likely loved you as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

Then you should not adopt. Period. An adoptee’s bio family is her family. Her first mother IS her mother. She may have brothers and sisters. You would be her adoptive mom and if you do it right, you are her famiky, too, but you NEVER negate the existence of her first family. And just as we all have some family that we are closer to, some family we “click” with, and some family we don’t, an adopted child may choose to spend more time with her first family than yours someday. That is okay. If you are open and accepting of the reality of your child’s first family, all the better for all of you. But if you can only be happy raising an adopted child by erasing her first family, do NOT adopt. You are what anti-adoption blogs are made of.

Adoptee here, and you need to stop generalizing. My biological mother is NOT my mother. My biological family is NOT my family, first or otherwise. My mother is the woman who raised me. My family are the people who loved me. Period.

Other adoptees may feel differently, which is fine--we all have different experiences. It just drives me nuts when people generalize.

+1

100% the people who raised me are my family. I honestly don't consider the people who gave brith to me family whatsoever. Like I said previously, every adoption and adoptee, even if they went through the "same" experiences, has an individual feeling/reaction to their adoption.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

Then you should not adopt. Period. An adoptee’s bio family is her family. Her first mother IS her mother. She may have brothers and sisters. You would be her adoptive mom and if you do it right, you are her famiky, too, but you NEVER negate the existence of her first family. And just as we all have some family that we are closer to, some family we “click” with, and some family we don’t, an adopted child may choose to spend more time with her first family than yours someday. That is okay. If you are open and accepting of the reality of your child’s first family, all the better for all of you. But if you can only be happy raising an adopted child by erasing her first family, do NOT adopt. You are what anti-adoption blogs are made of.

Adoptee here, and you need to stop generalizing. My biological mother is NOT my mother. My biological family is NOT my family, first or otherwise. My mother is the woman who raised me. My family are the people who loved me. Period.

Other adoptees may feel differently, which is fine--we all have different experiences. It just drives me nuts when people generalize.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know any adoptee who doesn’t feel hurt by having been given up. That doesn’t mean their life was ruined or anything. But of course it’s a real issue.

My older brother rother is one. But he was an infant when adopted, just a couple of days old. Was always known in our family, since as far back as I can remember, and all info that was known was given on his birth parents. He’s had literally zero interest in reaching out to them. I have more of a curiosity than he does. Sure there were some hard teenage years, but I can’t imagine all of our lives without each other. I’m going to adopt at least one child one day given our very positive familial experience.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

Then you should not adopt. Period. An adoptee’s bio family is her family. Her first mother IS her mother. She may have brothers and sisters. You would be her adoptive mom and if you do it right, you are her famiky, too, but you NEVER negate the existence of her first family. And just as we all have some family that we are closer to, some family we “click” with, and some family we don’t, an adopted child may choose to spend more time with her first family than yours someday. That is okay. If you are open and accepting of the reality of your child’s first family, all the better for all of you. But if you can only be happy raising an adopted child by erasing her first family, do NOT adopt. You are what anti-adoption blogs are made of.

My child does not have a first and second family. They have one family. There is no such thing as the birth family being the first or only family. Parents who adopt are not babysitters and those bloggers are usually nuts.

And, my child's birth mom doesn't "exist" anymore.

Your child's birthmom does exist whether you like it or not and for the sake of your child, get it together.

My child will never see her again. You are missing what happened as you are pushing your own agenda.

Anonymous wrote:Apparently, my take was offensive, but I know many adoptees. I know not ALL adoptees are unhappy, but there is a lot of research backing the fact that there are more mental health struggles (thus why I suggested counselling)

I know this will make the happy adoptees unhappy, but:

Nonetheless, being adopted approximately doubled the odds of having contact with a mental health professional (OR=2.05, CI=1.48, 2.84) and of having a disruptive behavior disorder

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4475346/


Research has found that adopted children are at risk for suffering from mental health disorders. Twelve to 14 percent of adopted children in the United States between the ages of 8 and 18 are diagnosed with a mental health disorder each year, and adopted children are almost twice as likely as children brought up with their biological parents to suffer from mood disorders like anxiety, depression, and behavioral issues.

https://www.claudiablackcenter.com/adopted-children-often-face-mental-health-struggles-as-young-adults/


https://www.sovhealth.com/mental-health/adopted-children-likely-develop-mental-health-disorders-study-shows/

https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/c549/3da7099f392ff97a6a3602b0f34849586e63.pdf

Quoted from your own offerings: (It is not the adoption, it is the circumstance) You cannot make a broad generalization about adopted persons unless you add how these similar issues affect all people.
[b]Several factors contribute to an adopted child’s risk of suffering from a mood or behavioral disorder, like:

Age of adoption
Where the child was adopted from
Conditions of the foster home and family
Whether the child has contact with his or her biological family members (Open Adoption)
History of mental illness in biological family
These contributing factors directly affect the adopted child’s ability to attach and bond with his or her adopted parents. Issues with attachment are common, and are often a major contributing factor to the onset of mental health issues. For example, many adopted children suffer from reactive attachment disorder (RAD), which is a disorder in which a child is uncomfortable with and avoids being comforted by caretakers. Adopted children develop RAD as a result of not getting sufficient nurturing, comforting and consistent care while in foster care. [b]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

Then you should not adopt. Period. An adoptee’s bio family is her family. Her first mother IS her mother. She may have brothers and sisters. You would be her adoptive mom and if you do it right, you are her famiky, too, but you NEVER negate the existence of her first family. And just as we all have some family that we are closer to, some family we “click” with, and some family we don’t, an adopted child may choose to spend more time with her first family than yours someday. That is okay. If you are open and accepting of the reality of your child’s first family, all the better for all of you. But if you can only be happy raising an adopted child by erasing her first family, do NOT adopt. You are what anti-adoption blogs are made of.

My child does not have a first and second family. They have one family. There is no such thing as the birth family being the first or only family. Parents who adopt are not babysitters and those bloggers are usually nuts.

And, my child's birth mom doesn't "exist" anymore.

Your child's birthmom does exist whether you like it or not and for the sake of your child, get it together.

Apparently, my take was offensive, but I know many adoptees. I know not ALL adoptees are unhappy, but there is a lot of research backing the fact that there are more mental health struggles (thus why I suggested counselling)

I know this will make the happy adoptees unhappy, but:

Nonetheless, being adopted approximately doubled the odds of having contact with a mental health professional (OR=2.05, CI=1.48, 2.84) and of having a disruptive behavior disorder

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4475346/


Research has found that adopted children are at risk for suffering from mental health disorders. Twelve to 14 percent of adopted children in the United States between the ages of 8 and 18 are diagnosed with a mental health disorder each year, and adopted children are almost twice as likely as children brought up with their biological parents to suffer from mood disorders like anxiety, depression, and behavioral issues.

https://www.claudiablackcenter.com/adopted-children-often-face-mental-health-struggles-as-young-adults/


https://www.sovhealth.com/mental-health/adopted-children-likely-develop-mental-health-disorders-study-shows/

https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/c549/3da7099f392ff97a6a3602b0f34849586e63.pdf

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family

Then you should not adopt. Period. An adoptee’s bio family is her family. Her first mother IS her mother. She may have brothers and sisters. You would be her adoptive mom and if you do it right, you are her famiky, too, but you NEVER negate the existence of her first family. And just as we all have some family that we are closer to, some family we “click” with, and some family we don’t, an adopted child may choose to spend more time with her first family than yours someday. That is okay. If you are open and accepting of the reality of your child’s first family, all the better for all of you. But if you can only be happy raising an adopted child by erasing her first family, do NOT adopt. You are what anti-adoption blogs are made of.

My child does not have a first and second family. They have one family. There is no such thing as the birth family being the first or only family. Parents who adopt are not babysitters and those bloggers are usually nuts.

And, my child's birth mom doesn't "exist" anymore.