OP, I think you did a great job.

In addition to open sex conversations, I think it's really important that parents TEACH their kids how to use social media correctly. I think this frequently gets overlooked for a "use/don't use" model. Like drinking/drugs and sex, I would rather teach them myself than rely on that one dumb friend. Show them good and bad examples, show them why this is a bad idea. Ask them what they think of people who post XX. Explain how it's out in the public. Discuss security, and that even though it "vanishes" there are still ways to see these photos, and that technology will get better, and likely by the time they are job hunting.

Ugh. So many intertwined issues here that need to be untangled I think.

As usual, forgive me for my northern European views that are unimpeded by puritanical upbringing, which seems to pervade even the most so-called progressive American families.

1. Teens are sexual beings. Male teens. Female teens. They are full of raging hormones. And yes, girls are just as "horny" and eager as boys, if not more so. Oh the countless classmates I undressed with my eyes and "saved for later" as part of my frequent self-pleasure rituals. As some of you are too keenly aware, especially those experiencing "dead bedrooms" due to mismatched libidos at home, we each have high and low libidos and unique sexual chemistry, and for women, this can be heavily influenced by our monthly cycle. Point is, OP's daughter is a healthy, sexual human being. Nothing inherently wrong here.

2. I hope OP began having talks with her daughter, not just about sex but also about a range of sensitive topics, since her daughter was young. There is never just one "the talk" but rather there should be a constant open flow of dialogue. I hope OP's daughter is well informed, not only about safe sex practices, but also norms of online security. Does OP's daughter feel empowered to ask for/seek birth control when she decides she is ready for sex? Does she feel she can talk to her parents about anything? Does she know she cannot send sexually explicit content of herself online as a minor? Does she know the consequences of teen pregnancy and contracting STDs/STIs? Does she know about the cost of raising a child? Does she understand the opportunity cost that having a child (or disease) would have on her future plans and dreams? Point is, OP's daughter should KNOW ALL OF THIS from her parents!

3. To an extent I agree with PP (11/04/2018 17:20). This connects with both #1 and #2 above. Does OP's daughter know masturbating is perfectly normal and healthy? Did OP ever shame her daughter for masturbating? Maybe OP even "caught" her daughter in the act and punished her and thereby traumatized her and took away her only sexual outlet? Maybe she therefore felt compelled to think about engaging in sex with boys as her only "normal" sexual outlet to deal with her hormones? Or perhaps having sex is more about ego and peer status, which I am guessing is likely the case? While I "undressed" my classmates with my eyes and used them for fantasy-fodder, I did not lose my virginity until I was 20. I was of course always slightly envious of my many peers becoming "true women" at younger ages. (Of course it is a parent’s job to provide the real definition of what a “true woman” is and this has nothing to do with virginity or the lack thereof. Otherwise, I pretty much masturbated 2-4x a day from age 9 until age 18, easily. Yes, you read that correctly and I bet MANY women here were the same!

4. OP and her daughter have rules in terms of the use of iDevices, social media, etc. OP's daughter should understand why these rules exist (see #2) and the consequences of violating these rules. OP (and her husband) should now follow through with the consequences. Full stop. No one needs a smart phone; the world did function just fine before 2007. OP's daughter must work to regain her parent's trust. Conversely, rules may need to be relaxed - and trust granted by OP - as her daughter truly becomes a young adult. For example, if OP's daughter can pay for her phone and mobile service on her own then to a certain degree privacy must be granted on all levels except for the sharing of explicit visual content under the age of 18. On this point there can be no compromise.

Anonymous wrote:Have you seen the movie American Beauty?

Angela (Mena Suvari) regails her friend with stories of her sexual exploits in a manner similar to your daughter's post, only to be confronted at the end of the film and reveal that she is actually a virgin. Her boastfulness belied a self-consciousness issue and a desire to 'fit in' with her peers in a 'shock' sort of way.

http://corvusanalyzes.com/american-beauty-character-arc-analysis/

When I read what your daughter wrote it sounded like a combination of this and / or some lyrics from whatever song is popular right now. It seemed almost exaggerated to a sense I had a hard time believing it was actually coming from someone who was still looking to have sex for the first time.

But maybe I'm just clueless as to how kids talk nowdays or where she is in her sexual development, but as you talk to her you might look at it as her way of trying to impress her friends.

I remember standing around in 9th grade gym class and we girls were talking about which boys we would want to F (yes, we used that word). I was a virgin until I was 19.

oops I meant adhd

Anonymous wrote:At what age will you stop checking? College? I am not saying checking is wrong I am just wondering when you will give them privacy? I would not look at my 18 year old's phone but I know another parent who still monitors emails and texts..

I would definitely do it while they are under your roof and under 18. After that it is about your kid's judgement and maturity. Some kids are not there at 18 due to anything from ASDD to maturity to who knows what. Ignore the whole helicopter thing. Yes, a kid who is mature and responsible at say 19 deserves much more privacy, but a kid who repeated shows lack of judgment isn't ready for the freedom. I can tell you quite a few college grads have trouble getting into grad school or getting jobs because of the moronic footprint they left on social media-some of which was put there after they turned 18.

It's the same as with other things. If your kid makes poor choices at 17, don't expect magic at 18. We were lucky our stupid choices were not catured on social media. Now kids are screwing up their futures sometimes doing things we did without documentation.

Anonymous wrote:At what age will you stop checking? College? I am not saying checking is wrong I am just wondering when you will give them privacy? I would not look at my 18 year old's phone but I know another parent who still monitors emails and texts..

You really have to base it on your kid and your kids' friends/social group. I have learned so much about my kids' friends thru social media - things I didn't really want to know in many cases (icky) but know its good that I do. I have a really good idea of who parties, who is hooking up and how nice, trustworthy, and smart or not, many are (and by smart I don't mean intelligent I mean whether or not they make good decisions).

I monitored my older kid's social media mid way thru 9th grade or so (got iphone in 6th). Was clear #1 was trustworthy, had mostly friends who were pretty tame, so rarely checked it after that. Second kid is more active on social media (got iphone in 5th) is a freshman and Im still logged in to that kid's accounts so I can check anytime. Haven't seen that #2 has posted anything objectionable but some peer posts have made me realize I will be watching this kid well into high school. Seems like #2 has friends who are less "innocent" than #1's and #2 is more interested in social activities with this crowd. I will say that the most disturbing things I have seen are how sexualized many are. I always wonder where in the hell the parents are.

Anonymous wrote:Have you seen the movie American Beauty?

Angela (Mena Suvari) regails her friend with stories of her sexual exploits in a manner similar to your daughter's post, only to be confronted at the end of the film and reveal that she is actually a virgin. Her boastfulness belied a self-consciousness issue and a desire to 'fit in' with her peers in a 'shock' sort of way.

http://corvusanalyzes.com/american-beauty-character-arc-analysis/

When I read what your daughter wrote it sounded like a combination of this and / or some lyrics from whatever song is popular right now. It seemed almost exaggerated to a sense I had a hard time believing it was actually coming from someone who was still looking to have sex for the first time.

But maybe I'm just clueless as to how kids talk nowdays or where she is in her sexual development, but as you talk to her you might look at it as her way of trying to impress her friends.

+1
was wondering the same thing

Have you seen the movie American Beauty?

Angela (Mena Suvari) regails her friend with stories of her sexual exploits in a manner similar to your daughter's post, only to be confronted at the end of the film and reveal that she is actually a virgin. Her boastfulness belied a self-consciousness issue and a desire to 'fit in' with her peers in a 'shock' sort of way.

http://corvusanalyzes.com/american-beauty-character-arc-analysis/

When I read what your daughter wrote it sounded like a combination of this and / or some lyrics from whatever song is popular right now. It seemed almost exaggerated to a sense I had a hard time believing it was actually coming from someone who was still looking to have sex for the first time.

But maybe I'm just clueless as to how kids talk nowdays or where she is in her sexual development, but as you talk to her you might look at it as her way of trying to impress her friends.

By the way, at a private school screenshots of convos about planning to have sex at school would get you serious trouble if not expelled.

This reminded me of the time my in-laws were talking about how my at the time 13 or 14yo 8th grade niece let a boy ... umm ... use his hands on her in the back of a classroom ... and then the school found out and she was bullied for being a “whore” 9th thru 12th grade.

We sent our girls to single-sex schools to avoid this crap.

Anonymous wrote:At what age will you stop checking? College? I am not saying checking is wrong I am just wondering when you will give them privacy? I would not look at my 18 year old's phone but I know another parent who still monitors emails and texts..

I don't understand those parents myself, by 18 they are adults and deserve privacy. What is the point reading emails and texts? Is it nosiness? Control?

As for the age when you do stop, it depends a lot on the child's personality and history. I never monitored mine, but she is not at all sneaky, isn't a follower, and has a lot of common sense.
It bothers me that another parent invaded her privacy by monitoring her friend and therefore seeing her texts too but i get it; the reality is nothing electronic is really private.

Something else to think about, if it's not just talk to seem cool/peer pressure/fear of missing out - is she just....horny? Does she know about/feel okay about masturbation?

By that age with the surging hormones I was horny all the damn time but luckily I was NOT popular or hot or running with a fast crowd. If I was I could see myself wanting sex and acting similarly to get the release through sex. And if I was a popular teen now with access to social media and sexting...it would be a disaster.

Instead I spent a lot of time holed up in my room reading erotic fiction on the internet. I was ashamed of it sort of at the time but now looking back I know it was perfectly healthy and normal - maybe OP's DD could benefit with a frank chat about masturbation and maybe even a vibrator.

At what age will you stop checking? College? I am not saying checking is wrong I am just wondering when you will give them privacy? I would not look at my 18 year old's phone but I know another parent who still monitors emails and texts..

OP - thanks for the update. Virtual hugs as this must be a tough journey to be on with your daughter. One thought that came to mind is that she may be using that kind of language to try to fit it/ be "cool" vs. any real desire to go do any of that stuff. If it's related to a self-esteem issue, you might think about getting some therapy support for her. Separating from friend groups where trying to fit in makes someone uncomfortable or try to be someone they aren't is really, really tough...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a thought, advise her that at this age, you probably aren't the only parent monitoring, which means her friend's parents may see her activity. How will she feel about Larla's mom and dad knowing the personal things she posted? Teens are by nature self-absorbed - they don't think about this.

This is a great point.

I say this to my DD as well. Anything you write can be read by your friends’ parents. Her jaw drops, and you can see her fear. She’s still young so the
chat is mostly girl-talk, but still...