Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad had an affair for about a year before my mother found out. I was 9-10 at the time. She told me. Not only did she tell me, she wanted to make the decision whether she should stay or leave him. Ultimately, she did the exact opposite of what I decided.

It screwed me up.

A child doesn’t need to know the specifics of the divorce or the affair. Period.

+1000. My ex cheated. The kids were about 11 and 7 at the time. They are adults now. They have no idea that their dad cheated and left us. They just know their parents were divorced. I will never tell them. I've wanted to many times. But I would never do it. They don't deserve to be pulled into that mess.

You don't actually know if they know.

They may know and just are hiding it from you to save your feelings.

this. the kids ALWAYS know. You think families don't gossip??

I don't believe they know. I'm not sure how they could. But if for some reason they do know, they also know that their dad and I cared enough about them to try to shield them from the ugliness of infedelity. If they asked me directly, I would answer honestly. But they never have. And they are mid and late 20s.

Do any other adults in the extended family know-like aunts, uncles grandparents? if so, the kids know. I cant believe the stuff I know about all kinds of extended relatives and our family isnt spiteful or mean but dang, people talk. Especially at gatherings when people aren't paying attention to who is listening

I came home one day when I was 14 and it was like someone died--mom hysterical, dad stone faced. I asked what was going on, my mom said "your father's been having an affair and he's moving out. He evidently cares more about her than me, or you for that matter."

clearly, they hadn't read the sandcastles book.

My parents divorced when I was 2. My mother remarried her high school sweetheart not long after. My father decided to tell me that my mother cheated on him with her sweetheart. All it did was make me pissed off at my father for telling me. I had assumed that was what happened, but it was none of my business and it had nothing to do with my relationship with my mother. She had self esteem issues and I understand why she did it. Her romantic life did not create an problem with her love and attention for me.

Why tell the child? If they ask when they are adults, go ahead and tell them. But if the question never comes out of their mouth, don't say anything.

Never. Child doesn’t need to know why the marriage ended.

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say close family members—an aunt and uncle, or grandparents—recently ended a long marriage due to a long term affair. And that the relationship is ongoing with the affair partner. At what age would you reveal to the child why their marriage ended? Let’s say said child is currently 8. Would you wait until 11? 15? 18?

Curious how others have handled this situation. We don’t intend to tell child now, although child is fairly mature and already knows what an affair is (thanks, Hamilton).

When they're old enough to ask the question. "So and so started dating another person, why they got divorced".

Better to be honest in a nice way because they wonder why family member is with a new person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age is it more appropriate? My exDW left the marriage b/c of an AP. She's now married to the AP and we have 1 child from our marriage. He's 9 now but has asked in the past "why did you and daddy break up?" He's a smart young man and eventually the wishy washy "well, sometimes adults just don't get along anymore" reasons aren't enough. I figured the teenage years might bring this to light more and in that case, I think it's my exDW's responsibility to come clean. My worry is if she's going to misrepresent the past.

What exactly do you want to achieve by him knowing? I’d ask this of all people who are waiting for the right time to tell a child. Are you looking for them to take sides? Are you looking to be the hero? Looking to make some sort of point? Really truly dig deep and ask yourself what you want this information to accomplish. I don’t agree that you need to hide it if asked directly, but again I have to imagine that there’s some narrative you’d like to push here.

No narrative. Sadly, enough people in town know about the AP and my fear is that it eventually gets back to my DS down the road.

Anonymous wrote:At what age is it more appropriate? My exDW left the marriage b/c of an AP. She's now married to the AP and we have 1 child from our marriage. He's 9 now but has asked in the past "why did you and daddy break up?" He's a smart young man and eventually the wishy washy "well, sometimes adults just don't get along anymore" reasons aren't enough. I figured the teenage years might bring this to light more and in that case, I think it's my exDW's responsibility to come clean. My worry is if she's going to misrepresent the past.

What exactly do you want to achieve by him knowing? I’d ask this of all people who are waiting for the right time to tell a child. Are you looking for them to take sides? Are you looking to be the hero? Looking to make some sort of point? Really truly dig deep and ask yourself what you want this information to accomplish. I don’t agree that you need to hide it if asked directly, but again I have to imagine that there’s some narrative you’d like to push here.

obviously, you tell them when you want them to feel awkward around that family member and feel like they need to choose sides. Until you want that to happen then don't tell them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my kid around 15. I won’t hide anyone. You cheat, I tell people. You should be embarrassed.

It’s so classy to use your kid as a weapon against someone else.

I’m not lying for you are anyone. I’m honest with my kid. Sorry not sorry.

My uncle blurted out that my aunt would not have sex with him during a fight. Hot mess. OP, you should be ashamed of yourself.

At what age is it more appropriate? My exDW left the marriage b/c of an AP. She's now married to the AP and we have 1 child from our marriage. He's 9 now but has asked in the past "why did you and daddy break up?" He's a smart young man and eventually the wishy washy "well, sometimes adults just don't get along anymore" reasons aren't enough. I figured the teenage years might bring this to light more and in that case, I think it's my exDW's responsibility to come clean. My worry is if she's going to misrepresent the past.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't tell children, or anyone else. It's just being a gossip and trying to hurt people. Just like I wouldn't say other private information that I knew about - aunt Larla refused to get a job and compulsively spent all the family money, or Aunt Larla stopped having sex with Uncle Larlo before he had the affair. The only reason to talk about it would be to spread gossip and pain. I don't do that.

Gossip is not truthful statement.

It's not gossip it facts. Do kids need to know all the facts ... no.

But hiding facts is stupid, kids know, they peg you as a liar or disingenuous.

Your relationship with your kids is way more important that protecting Aunt Larla and Uncle Larlo.

There is a middle ground between lying and laying out the whole ugly truth. In this case, if the kid needs to put two and two together and ask about it, OP could say something like, “What happens in a marriage and why a marriage ends is private between the two people in the marriage. To the extent I know anything about the split, I know it’s probably not the full story so I don’t feel comfortable speculating about it.” The kid can read between the lines and knowntou haven’t denied it, but then you’re also setting an example of discretion and respect for others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My aunt and uncle split up when I was 8 and by the time I was 11 it was normal and I had no interest in why it had happened.

I'm sure this would have been different if it had been my parents. But OP, if you are so invested in what is going on with your siblings (or siblings-in-law) that you are picturing some big reveal of this incriminating info at an "appropriate age," just know that what would be really appropriate would be for you to not be this invested.

Exactly. Your kid doesn’t and likely won’t care. What, would you want them to cut the person in question out of their life? Respect them less? What is the end goal here? You must just want to stir up drama.

How about, sometimes people cheat, sometimes people divorce. ... life moves on.

it's not drama, it's the truth.

Why is everybody trying to raise snowflakes. Kids don't' need to be protected from life.

Because the only reason you would tell a kid this is for them to form a narrative that the cheating spouse is “bad” and the betrayed spouse is “good.” At least, that is what they will likely take from it. MOST adults (not all) realize that it’s often more nuanced than that - but kids don’t really get it and there’s just no point in asking them to understand the complexities of someone else’s marriage. Again, what’s the end goal here?

NEVER!

If the child asks directly if there was an affair, then maybe you have to reveal. Otherwise, STFU.

I wouldn't ever tell a kid.

My aunt and uncle got divorced when I was in 3-4th grade. I was just told by my parents that they were getting a divorce and I didn't think/care why.

I don't believe in shielding my kids from true things - such as the status of santa claus or even what's in the news - but I just don't see any reason for a kid to know about alleged cheating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My aunt and uncle split up when I was 8 and by the time I was 11 it was normal and I had no interest in why it had happened.

I'm sure this would have been different if it had been my parents. But OP, if you are so invested in what is going on with your siblings (or siblings-in-law) that you are picturing some big reveal of this incriminating info at an "appropriate age," just know that what would be really appropriate would be for you to not be this invested.

Exactly. Your kid doesn’t and likely won’t care. What, would you want them to cut the person in question out of their life? Respect them less? What is the end goal here? You must just want to stir up drama.

How about, sometimes people cheat, sometimes people divorce. ... life moves on.

it's not drama, it's the truth.

Why is everybody trying to raise snowflakes. Kids don't' need to be protected from life.