Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD's friend did this. DD was invited to the 1st party but not the sleepover. And that's ok. You can't be best friends to everybody. If you're so sheltered how are you going to learn to cope when you go out to the real world?

We cope by being friends with people who treat us well and moving on from people who don’t.

+1

This. I am not going to teach my daughter that she should do whatever she wants, and not to care about the totally foreseeable hurt feelings she will cause, because everyone else should just suck it up and not expect to be coddled. I want her to be a considerate person who takes other people's feelings into account when making decisions, not just her own. I always tell her that she doesn't have to be friends with everyone, but she does have to be kind. She doesn't have to invite everyone to her party, but creating an A-list and a B-list is just unnecessary. This isn't about "best friends," it's about excluding five kids out of a group of eleven.

And she's learning that sometimes she'll be excluded, that sometimes other people aren't considerate, etc. People like you make sure of it! But I don't want her to *be* that kind of person. And she's learning how to cope with that, how to be resilient, and how to choose friends wisely. Which are important. But so is learning to be kind, inclusive, and thoughtful.

All of this. But also, I don't want my child to think this is acceptable and how friends treat each other. We have to teach them confidence and what to accept from friends now or they will let themselves be walked all over by future romantic partners since they won't be able to let go or not be attracted to those who don't treat them well.

New Poster. Fwiw, I grew up during a time when things like this were considered normal or at least not questioned (80s and 90s) and it was always understood that the girl's best friend was going to sleep over after whatever event all the kids were at. Birthday parties, other parties, school events, concerts, etc. I never thought it was "mean girl" behavior because I knew that girl wasn't my best friend and in fact I already had other plans to sleep over at MY best friend's house (or vice versa).

I question the effectiveness of this type of social engineering that moms try to do nowadays. Kids still know who their "best friend" is. It's good to have a best friend. It teaches you how to develop and sustain intimacy with another person before sex comes into the picture.

But op isnt talking about having one or two "besties" sleep over. She's talking about 5 or 6 girls out of 11. That's half the party! That's just a very different scenario than having a single BFF stay after everyone else leaves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD's friend did this. DD was invited to the 1st party but not the sleepover. And that's ok. You can't be best friends to everybody. If you're so sheltered how are you going to learn to cope when you go out to the real world?

We cope by being friends with people who treat us well and moving on from people who don’t.

+1

This. I am not going to teach my daughter that she should do whatever she wants, and not to care about the totally foreseeable hurt feelings she will cause, because everyone else should just suck it up and not expect to be coddled. I want her to be a considerate person who takes other people's feelings into account when making decisions, not just her own. I always tell her that she doesn't have to be friends with everyone, but she does have to be kind. She doesn't have to invite everyone to her party, but creating an A-list and a B-list is just unnecessary. This isn't about "best friends," it's about excluding five kids out of a group of eleven.

And she's learning that sometimes she'll be excluded, that sometimes other people aren't considerate, etc. People like you make sure of it! But I don't want her to *be* that kind of person. And she's learning how to cope with that, how to be resilient, and how to choose friends wisely. Which are important. But so is learning to be kind, inclusive, and thoughtful.

All of this. But also, I don't want my child to think this is acceptable and how friends treat each other. We have to teach them confidence and what to accept from friends now or they will let themselves be walked all over by future romantic partners since they won't be able to let go or not be attracted to those who don't treat them well.

New Poster. Fwiw, I grew up during a time when things like this were considered normal or at least not questioned (80s and 90s) and it was always understood that the girl's best friend was going to sleep over after whatever event all the kids were at. Birthday parties, other parties, school events, concerts, etc. I never thought it was "mean girl" behavior because I knew that girl wasn't my best friend and in fact I already had other plans to sleep over at MY best friend's house (or vice versa).

I question the effectiveness of this type of social engineering that moms try to do nowadays. Kids still know who their "best friend" is. It's good to have a best friend. It teaches you how to develop and sustain intimacy with another person before sex comes into the picture.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD's friend did this. DD was invited to the 1st party but not the sleepover. And that's ok. You can't be best friends to everybody. If you're so sheltered how are you going to learn to cope when you go out to the real world?

We cope by being friends with people who treat us well and moving on from people who don’t.

+1

This. I am not going to teach my daughter that she should do whatever she wants, and not to care about the totally foreseeable hurt feelings she will cause, because everyone else should just suck it up and not expect to be coddled. I want her to be a considerate person who takes other people's feelings into account when making decisions, not just her own. I always tell her that she doesn't have to be friends with everyone, but she does have to be kind. She doesn't have to invite everyone to her party, but creating an A-list and a B-list is just unnecessary. This isn't about "best friends," it's about excluding five kids out of a group of eleven.

And she's learning that sometimes she'll be excluded, that sometimes other people aren't considerate, etc. People like you make sure of it! But I don't want her to *be* that kind of person. And she's learning how to cope with that, how to be resilient, and how to choose friends wisely. Which are important. But so is learning to be kind, inclusive, and thoughtful.

All of this. But also, I don't want my child to think this is acceptable and how friends treat each other. We have to teach them confidence and what to accept from friends now or they will let themselves be walked all over by future romantic partners since they won't be able to let go or not be attracted to those who don't treat them well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD's friend did this. DD was invited to the 1st party but not the sleepover. And that's ok. You can't be best friends to everybody. If you're so sheltered how are you going to learn to cope when you go out to the real world?

We cope by being friends with people who treat us well and moving on from people who don’t.

+1

This. I am not going to teach my daughter that she should do whatever she wants, and not to care about the totally foreseeable hurt feelings she will cause, because everyone else should just suck it up and not expect to be coddled. I want her to be a considerate person who takes other people's feelings into account when making decisions, not just her own. I always tell her that she doesn't have to be friends with everyone, but she does have to be kind. She doesn't have to invite everyone to her party, but creating an A-list and a B-list is just unnecessary. This isn't about "best friends," it's about excluding five kids out of a group of eleven.

And she's learning that sometimes she'll be excluded, that sometimes other people aren't considerate, etc. People like you make sure of it! But I don't want her to *be* that kind of person. And she's learning how to cope with that, how to be resilient, and how to choose friends wisely. Which are important. But so is learning to be kind, inclusive, and thoughtful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Unless she wants to be known as a mean girl and lose those friends who get sent home.

I'm pretty sure the people doing the "mean girl" labeling will be the parents who can't handle the fact that their kids weren't invited to everything, not the girls who are probably more emotionally well adjusted than their parents. Based on the responses on this thread, I'm sure there will be a lot of mean girl labeling when OP's daughter has the party/sleepover and decides to completely exclude the extra five girls she wanted to invite to the party. I'm constantly astounded by the number parents who don't understand the importance of teaching their kids resilience and that it's ok not to be included in everything. You're basically saying that an appropriate response to not being invited to the sleepover segment would be to no longer be friends with OP's daughter. How emotionally discfunctional is that? That's basically saying, if I can't be your best friend, I don't want to be your friend.

Anonymous wrote:No. Unless she wants to be known as a mean girl and lose those friends who get sent home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just did this on Friday night.
My DD had 25 13 year old boys & girls over; they played games like spooky truth or dare on the trampoline, they played air hockey & ping pong, capture the flag, medusa, hide & seek (we have a huge back & front yard) & then she had 5 of the girls stay over.

They're all really sweet girls, so nobody mentioned that they were staying over to anyone else at the party & nobody posted it to social media. There were no hurt feelings & everyone had a great time.

You're very naive to think word won't get out. It probably already has and it certainly will by the end of the week.

It didn’t get out... these girls would never tell anyone outside of those who stayed over because they wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Try not to generalize every group of kids with blanket statements, they’re not all the same.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just did this on Friday night.
My DD had 25 13 year old boys & girls over; they played games like spooky truth or dare on the trampoline, they played air hockey & ping pong, capture the flag, medusa, hide & seek (we have a huge back & front yard) & then she had 5 of the girls stay over.

They're all really sweet girls, so nobody mentioned that they were staying over to anyone else at the party & nobody posted it to social media. There were no hurt feelings & everyone had a great time.

You're very naive to think word won't get out. It probably already has and it certainly will by the end of the week.

Anonymous wrote:DD is arguing that the friction of not being invited to the sleepover is the lesser of the two evils, because 5 kids in the wider circle will be really upset if they're not invited to anything at all. We're new to the US and I'm not sure what the etiquette on this should be. Thanks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is incredibly rude and mean girl type behavior.

She can have a party and one girl sleeps over, no big deal.

Or she can have a party and all the girls sleep over. Wonderful.

But having a party where just over half the girls sleep over? Rude and mean.

It's not rude or mean. It's highly unlikely that a teen is equally close to 11 friends. Also, having 11 kids sleep over is a lot. I don't view this as mean girl behavior. Also, before you start saying that's likely because I was a mean girl or that my girls are likely mean girls, I wasn't, and my DD would likely be one of the excluded girls because she's shy and introverted. Labeling everything mean girl type behavior is counterproductive. I guess OP should just not inclythe extra five girls in any part of the evening because of people like you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woah, I guess Monday morning is a good time to get a ton of responses in a very short time.

Thanks to all the helpful replies, I came on here with a genuine concern seeking people's opinions, and now I have a clearer sense of what's acceptable.

To everyone else who responded with totally uncalled for aggression, describing my daughter as 'rude' and 'mean' -- even though she's trying her best to compromise with me and with her wider group of friends -- try being a bit kinder in your assumptions next time. Most children really are neither rude or mean, [b]they're still learning how society works[/b].

Well, apparently you, the parent, are still learning how society works too. That is why we are shocked.

+1.

So those types of responses aren’t mean, rude and cruel?! You are actually *bullying* a mom who came to an anonymous board to ask for advice?