Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has joint custody with his ex wife where one week he has her for three days, the next week four days. This arrangement works for us. My stepdaughter asked if she can move in with us full time. Her mom remarried last year and she and her new husband recently bought a house. SD says when she's home they make her stay in her room. She's only allowed to come out to eat, use the bathroom, shower, or go to school. Even if she invites her friends over, she has to stay in her room. She said her mom ignores her for the most part and only cares about the husband. I feel bad for her, but I can't help but think some of this is my SD being a little dramatic since her mom's attention isn't 100% on her anymore. Plus to be honest, I love the arrangement that's in place now and I don't want to change it. DH is all for her moving in so I'm torn.

I have the right answer but you will not like it. You don't get to make that call. SD wants to move in with her DAD; your presence in the house is only coincidental in her eyes. So, your DH gets to decide whether his daughter can come and stay. This is between dad and daughter, not daughter and you. The choice YOU get to make is whether to stay with dad and daughter. Sorry that's the truth.

+1,000,000.

Exactly. You married someone who is a father. His first priority must be his daughter. If he thinks she should move in, she should. If you disagree, you either live with it or you get divorced. But in no way does your preference outweigh hers.

On the other hand, I could see that it would be very important to discuss the details beforehand. Such as maybe you never went out with just the two of you when she was there previously, but now you want to make sure that you do. Or any other rules that might change based on someone being part time versus full-time. Think through these and have a good long talk with your husband, but any suggestion that he should not allow his daughter to live with him if he think he should would make you a horrible person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who owns the house? You, DH, or both?

How is this relevant?

It isn’t.

If my kid asked me to move in full time there would be no discussion really. At least not in the context of "is my new spouse comfortable with this." Sorry, but OP is inconsequential in this situation. Kids ALWAYS come first.

Anonymous wrote:Wow some PPs are harsh. It’s OP’s house too. She takes the kid half the week, every week, and is for all reports (including the stepdaughter) a great (or at least decent) stepmom.

There’s no abuse at the other house. How do you know she’s not in her room because she can’t behave appropriately and is in a timeout.

OP married into a particular arrangement. She pays and contributes towards her house. She’s under no obligation (moral or otherwise) to take in a teen full time due to some conflict at her other home.

And in a few years the child may be demanding to move back when she doesn’t like the rules at OPs house.

No, but she may pay the price with her DH for denying him his child living with them.

Is "abuse" the only standard for allowing your husband's child to live with him? "Sorry kiddo, you can't live with Dad full-time because you aren't being abused. Come back after that starts."

Anonymous wrote:Wow some PPs are harsh. It’s OP’s house too. She takes the kid half the week, every week, and is for all reports (including the stepdaughter) a great (or at least decent) stepmom.

There’s no abuse at the other house. How do you know she’s not in her room because she can’t behave appropriately and is in a timeout.

OP married into a particular arrangement. She pays and contributes towards her house. She’s under no obligation (moral or otherwise) to take in a teen full time due to some conflict at her other home.

And in a few years the child may be demanding to move back when she doesn’t like the rules at OPs house.

dp The is no way you can know this. Who cares what happens in a few years? DD needs her dad now!

Anonymous wrote:Wow some PPs are harsh. It’s OP’s house too. She takes the kid half the week, every week, and is for all reports (including the stepdaughter) a great (or at least decent) stepmom.

There’s no abuse at the other house. How do you know she’s not in her room because she can’t behave appropriately and is in a timeout.

OP married into a particular arrangement. She pays and contributes towards her house. She’s under no obligation (moral or otherwise) to take in a teen full time due to some conflict at her other home.

And in a few years the child may be demanding to move back when she doesn’t like the rules at OPs house.

You are wrong. OP married into that arrangement at that time. Kids' needs and best interests change as they get older, and regardless of any abuse, they may change at any time. That is the fundamental part of the deal marrying someone with minor children.

Wow some PPs are harsh. It’s OP’s house too. She takes the kid half the week, every week, and is for all reports (including the stepdaughter) a great (or at least decent) stepmom.

There’s no abuse at the other house. How do you know she’s not in her room because she can’t behave appropriately and is in a timeout.

OP married into a particular arrangement. She pays and contributes towards her house. She’s under no obligation (moral or otherwise) to take in a teen full time due to some conflict at her other home.

And in a few years the child may be demanding to move back when she doesn’t like the rules at OPs house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You need to let her move in. This is a big decision for a kid, one that can be anxiety provoking because of the potential for angering the parent they want to be with less and for being rejected by the parent they want to be with more, so many/most kids won't make a request like this unless they feel like they really need it. Also, be careful about digging into her stated reason and saying no if it turns out she's choosing to stay in her room rather than being forced to. Even if her mother and stepfather aren't forcing her to stay in her room, there may be reasons why she feels safer staying in the room (e.g., even if the stepfather hasn't done anything to her, maybe her intuition is telling her something's not right with him and she needs to keep as far from him as she can).

Her safety needs to be priority number one.

When she’s at our house, she stays in her room on her cell phone. That’s why I feel that she’s being dramatic by saying they’re forcing her to stay in her room.

So why do you think she wants to live with you full time? If it's the same at both houses, why stir this all up and get people mad at her? I assure you, she's aware of your disdain for her (you're not that good an actress if you couldn't even hide it here), and yet she'd rather face that every day than whatever's going on at her mom's house. That should tell you a lot.

Find your moral compass. For real.

Seriously! If she is old enough to be using a cell phone in her room AND she's spending hours in said room AND she is already at your house for 3-4 days/ week AND you are not even the primary parent, why is this even a particularly heavy lift? It's not like she is a two-yr old who need around the clock supervision. Why are *you* being so dramatic about it?

It's almost like your gut is telling you that something *is* off about her new living arrangement but you are too selfish to want to deal with the potential mess.

I would hate to have a 12yo live with me. Not contributing in any way or form.

Then don't marry a parent of a 12yo, or a child who will be 12yo.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has joint custody with his ex wife where one week he has her for three days, the next week four days. This arrangement works for us. My stepdaughter asked if she can move in with us full time. Her mom remarried last year and she and her new husband recently bought a house. SD says when she's home they make her stay in her room. She's only allowed to come out to eat, use the bathroom, shower, or go to school. Even if she invites her friends over, she has to stay in her room. She said her mom ignores her for the most part and only cares about the husband. I feel bad for her, but I can't help but think some of this is my SD being a little dramatic since her mom's attention isn't 100% on her anymore. Plus to be honest, I love the arrangement that's in place now and I don't want to change it. DH is all for her moving in so I'm torn.

I have the right answer but you will not like it. You don't get to make that call. SD wants to move in with her DAD; your presence in the house is only coincidental in her eyes. So, your DH gets to decide whether his daughter can come and stay. This is between dad and daughter, not daughter and you. The choice YOU get to make is whether to stay with dad and daughter. Sorry that's the truth.

+1,000,000.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That poor girl... She must feel unwanted in BOTH households.

The world doesn't revolve around someone just because they're a kid. They can't say 'Jump' and expect to be catered to. That is how the world works. The OP is not being mean or spiteful. That is her house, in her name and she gets to veto. It's not as if the girl isn't allowed at all in their house. She's already there for half the week.

Actually, in the context of divorce and custody, the BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD are supposed to be the driver for decisions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your stepdaughter is being abused and you don’t want to protect her from that abuse? Wow.

Not only that, stepdads are high on the list of potential abusers of daughters. If she is not comfortable living with him, give her a safe place to go.

+1

OP, this is a package deal, and on some level you knew that when you married a man with a child.

Why are you even questioning this?

+2. If she’s the least bit uncomfortable with mom’s new husband, she should live where she feels safe and wanted. You might need to move out OP, so your DH can give his DD that.

This is so stupid. Why should the OP move out when the house is also under her name????? There is nothing to suggest that the girl is being abused or in danger.

Is that the bar? That abuse must be happening before the DD's dad and his wife permit her to live with them full-time?

This girl's world was already shaken by divorce and by the formation of new households that she has had to adapt to, to accommodate the adults' needs.

Why should she do all the accommodating? She is a CHILD.

My niece was/is in a situation where she is emotionally abused and neglected at home. She is now almost 18 and has more of a voice and a say but when she was younger, she felt incredibly powerless and trapped. It has definitely damaged her in many ways. Her parents are very good at making her out to be a dramatic, angsty kid and minimizing everything she says. She desperately wanted to move out but like most abusers, her parents don't want to lose that control. They like having a minor who they can ignore / control and treat as they wish and they would never agree to her living anywhere else. they live their own chaotic lives and don't see any need for hers to be any different.

I would see if you can get the child to a counsellor. Could be through the guise of so many changes in her life. Let the counsellor be the neutral party who hears what is going on and can support the child in what is best

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That poor girl... She must feel unwanted in BOTH households.

The world doesn't revolve around someone just because they're a kid. They can't say 'Jump' and expect to be catered to. That is how the world works. The OP is not being mean or spiteful. That is her house, in her name and she gets to veto. It's not as if the girl isn't allowed at all in their house. She's already there for half the week.

She lost that veto when she married a man with kids. OP needs to step up.

Exactly. This isn't a kid who is asking for a pony or a Jeep Wrangler. This is a kid who wants to be with her dad. And get out of a possibly crappy situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has joint custody with his ex wife where one week he has her for three days, the next week four days. This arrangement works for us. My stepdaughter asked if she can move in with us full time. Her mom remarried last year and she and her new husband recently bought a house. SD says when she's home they make her stay in her room. She's only allowed to come out to eat, use the bathroom, shower, or go to school. Even if she invites her friends over, she has to stay in her room. She said her mom ignores her for the most part and only cares about the husband. I feel bad for her, but I can't help but think some of this is my SD being a little dramatic since her mom's attention isn't 100% on her anymore. Plus to be honest, I love the arrangement that's in place now and I don't want to change it. DH is all for her moving in so I'm torn.

I have the right answer but you will not like it. You don't get to make that call. SD wants to move in with her DAD; your presence in the house is only coincidental in her eyes. So, your DH gets to decide whether his daughter can come and stay. This is between dad and daughter, not daughter and you. The choice YOU get to make is whether to stay with dad and daughter. Sorry that's the truth.

+1. As a long-time stepmother, whose teen-aged stepson moved in with us full-time, this is perfectly stated.

OP, I get it. I wasn't over the moon when it was proposed that my DSS move in with us full-time. The existing arrangement my DH and his ex had worked for me too, and there wasn't even the specter of any "abuse" or neglect in DSS moving in with us (schooling and grades were the reason in my case, along with a boy just wanting to live with Dad for awhile). But I knew I had to do it. Think about if the roles were switched and you were the remarried parent and your child asked to move in with you? You'd say no because your spouse didn't want it? Do you think you'd resent the hell out of your spouse?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That poor girl... She must feel unwanted in BOTH households.

The world doesn't revolve around someone just because they're a kid. They can't say 'Jump' and expect to be catered to. That is how the world works. The OP is not being mean or spiteful. That is her house, in her name and she gets to veto. It's not as if the girl isn't allowed at all in their house. She's already there for half the week.

She lost that veto when she married a man with kids. OP needs to step up.