Anonymous
Post 09/15/2018 14:35     Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Another dcum thread where parents hold money over their kids' heads in order to retain control and not let go. Shocking.

What's scary is that y'all dress it up in "accountability" and "investment" and they're not adults unless they're paying the bills ( tell that to SAHPs or the disabled or students going to college in full aid. Whatever.)

Keep telling yourself that but everyone else can see that it is about eking out every last inch of control you can get.


This. My parents required grade release. They were extremely controlling parents and I had a miserable childhood because of it.

If your kid can’t manage college without you on top of them to earn decent grades they never will succeed so what’s the point.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2018 14:30     Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
My BIL and SIL sort of bragged about not monitoring their kid's grades and their oldest flunked out after two years and works at some dead-end job while living in their house.

Maybe he'd have flunked out either way, but it seems like maybe they could have either got him help or maybe avoided burning that 2nd year of tuition and board?
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2018 14:05     Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Another dcum thread where parents hold money over their kids' heads in order to retain control and not let go. Shocking.

What's scary is that y'all dress it up in "accountability" and "investment" and they're not adults unless they're paying the bills ( tell that to SAHPs or the disabled or students going to college in full aid. Whatever.)

Keep telling yourself that but everyone else can see that it is about eking out every last inch of control you can get.
You are looking at things from your own narrow filter. DH and I struggled like hell to put ourselves through school. My parents didn't think I should go because I was a "girl" and it didn't matter. DH's parents weren't willing to spend the money even though they both had advanced degrees. NO ONE helped us financially, emotionally or in any way to maneuver that next faze of our lives and consequently, we made unnecessary mistakes. Our children have the benefit of parents who will not only pay their education but give a damn and will help them along the way--and that is not crippling them. You don't become an adult and have everything figured out just because you turn 18--it is a transition phase and not one where you need to be sent off to sink or swim--especially to the tune of $70k+ per year.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2018 13:56     Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Another dcum thread where parents hold money over their kids' heads in order to retain control and not let go. Shocking.

What's scary is that y'all dress it up in "accountability" and "investment" and they're not adults unless they're paying the bills ( tell that to SAHPs or the disabled or students going to college in full aid. Whatever.)

Keep telling yourself that but everyone else can see that it is about eking out every last inch of control you can get.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2018 13:41     Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
If my child wants me to pay for college, they will tell me their grades and how they are doing. Simple.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2018 13:35     Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:They aren't "adults" until they are paying their own way. I am pay more than $70k for one student and $50 for another. I damn well am gong to have access to their grades--tracking their assignments, no but knowing that they are on track and not throwing my money down the toilet. Absolutely.


+100

All of these people who say that their kids have the right as adults to choose a college without parental input, and then attend without questions, are giving their kids entirely unrealistic ideas about what it means to "be an adult". Being an adult means that you are accountable for your choices and actions. Usually your boss will not hand you several hundred thousand dollars and not check in with you on the project.

I have the password to my children's portals. I use them less frequently as they get older, but absolutely retain the right. In addition, we discuss the course selection each term. We encourage them to explore new things, but make suggestions as needed. We do not "control" their choice of major, but they know that it must be both academically rigorous (no gender studies) and if a humanities major, then include a minor that is skills-based. We have worked hard to earn this money and want the best for our kids long-term. Sometimes, 18 year olds are not ready to make the best long term decisions. Duh.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2018 11:01     Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Kid tells me. Sometimes in more detail than I want to hear, LOL!


We are in the same boat.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2018 10:50     Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Kid tells me. Sometimes in more detail than I want to hear, LOL!
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2018 09:55     Subject: Re:Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:I think the valorizing of some posters on how independent they let their kids be rings a bit off.

I'm putting 40k year of my investments in college each year, grades are a piece of evidence on how things are going. I wouldn't invest 160k in anything and not do some basic due diligence. Future employers are going to monitor your kids' work. Sure they are adults--I'm not going to be checking the portal assignment by assignment, and I wouldn't go behind their backs to "check," but not checking in on grades seems to be giving them a faux sense of independence rather than a real sense of accountability.


I am paying the same amount annually thanks to DC’s merit scholarship. If his GPA falls below 3.0, he cannot stay at this school, because we cannot pay.

He know this, loves his school, wants to do well, and so he keeps his grades up.

He also wants to go to grad school, which motivates him to work hard and earn good grades.

Sometimes I ask him how he is doing grades-wise, but other than that, it is 100% his business.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2018 09:55     Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:Oh dear God PP.

You are not born with ADHD. What wacko taught you that?
It is a neurological disorder often with a genetic bace. Oh, dear God, PP. Stop talking about things you know absolutely nothing about.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2018 09:54     Subject: Re:Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:All this snobbery, about being a laid back parent who wouldn't dream of checking on their kid's grades is really annoying. Truth is for the most part, the extent to whether parents are intensive or laid back about monitoring grades really depends on the grades. I have two daughters in high school. With the oldest I rarely ever look at her grades on parent portal. There's no reason to, she's never made a final grade below an A. With my younger ADHD daughter, I monitor her grades like a hawk. I'm pretty nervous about how she is going to handle college and I'm sure during that first year, I will be checking on her grades quite a bit. If she does well, then yeah I'll back off. Those of you who don't bother checking on your college student's grades probably have good reason to feel confident that your kid is making grades that you would consider acceptable, if you thought otherwise you would be checking as well.


What exactly do you plan to do if you pull up your freshman student's grades and see that they got a 55% on their Intro to Business midterm?

I think that by the time they are away at school that stuff is going to be out of your hands. She is either studying or not studying. She is either showing up to class and doing her homework or she is not showing up to class and doing her homework. She is either passing her classes or she's not.

You can't do it for them. Knowing about every little grade that they get is not necessary, it doesn't help and you won't be able to change a thing about it.

She is either going to have to put her nose to the grindstone, go to her guidance counselor and change her course of study or come home after she flunks out and attend community college for awhile or get a job.


Agree. You need to let these kids fail, because with all this hovering they'll never learn the valuable lessons that failure brings.

I remember my GPA slipping just below the threshold for my scholarship in college. My mom basically said I needed to fix it or else no more school for me. I called my counselor and teacher of the class that I got the lowest grade in and tried to work something out. She let me rewrite a paper over the summer and send it in for reconsideration. I did all of this BY MYSELF. I ended up getting the grade raised enough to keep the scholarship and learned that I better get my sh!t together if I wanted to stay in school. It never happened again.

Let go, people. You are NOT helping your kids by hovering this much.


Agree, but you should be letting kids get more independent and allow them mistakes long before college, and even high school. I see so many parents decide sports, talk to teachers, try to fix friendships FOR their kids. . Heck, our district now has a portal to track grades. I mean come on already. No wonder so many are labeled with disabilities. One month of daydreaming or struggling with a skill and the kid is medicated and tracked like a hawk. Kids make mistakes. A TON of them. Kids need to find themselves and their passions. No need to micromanage them. They need to learn to figure most out on their own BEFORE going off to college, while you are there if they need you. No different than a permit vs a license. They need to drive on the permit, with you there to guide them. More in the beginning and a lot less in the end. Once they have their license and go off they are ready. Would you let a teen get a license without practicing and put them right in rush hour traffic. That is what many parents do with collage.


Sorry, but some of these kids struggle with these disabilities through adulthood. It’s called poor executive functioning. My son has it and while I don’t get involved in the day to Day with him, I do track his grades in high school and plan to have access in college....not to remind him of anything, but to be aware of any glaring problems before they worse.


He has poor executive function because of us. My child had it too. It is our fault. Immediate gratification. Micromanaging them so they don't have to, everyone gets a trophy, hovering, doing things for them instead of letting them fail. Not being patient and watching them learn it themselves. Stepping in for them, as young at 1yr old. And not to mention the screens. Tons of it all of the time. Once they hit middle school, they have no idea of failure, organization, study skills, proper socialization, etc... Schools are so focused on standardized testing and grades. Sitting in a class forever with 30 other kids. They should be teaching these kids how to think for themselves. Plan and study themselves. OT's, PT's. tutors, therapists, doctors, etc... are the new norm in most kids lives. I am ashamed. I would love a do over.

There is a reason why so many kids have anxiety, higher functioning disabilities, ADHD, ADD, poor fine motor skills, depression, sky high suicide rates. It is poor parenting. It truly is. We think we have done everything for them - and it is the worst thing we could do. We step in and fine tune things and then we high pressure them to be perfect. How can they be? We never give them a chance to grow.
ADD is not poor parenting. It is a neurological disorder. Damn, people like you piss me off. Our jails are full of people with ADD who never got treatment because too many assholes claim it is poor parenting. ADD and executive functioning deficits go hand in hand.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2018 09:50     Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I just didn't give the necessary permission for my parents to check. I think we had to sign some waiver for that? Don't know if they ever tried, but I doubt it. I was pretty transparent because I got significantly better grades in college than HS. I don't think I ever actually showed them anything though, unless maybe the certificates when I made dean's list a couple times.


Yeah, this came up in my house. I said that if I don't get the permissions, I don't pay the bill. Grade permission is not an option at his school, although big grade events, like suspension, will be reported.
This!
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2018 09:50     Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:I just didn't give the necessary permission for my parents to check. I think we had to sign some waiver for that? Don't know if they ever tried, but I doubt it. I was pretty transparent because I got significantly better grades in college than HS. I don't think I ever actually showed them anything though, unless maybe the certificates when I made dean's list a couple times.
Your parents should have refused to pay your tuition. What an entitled little brat.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2018 09:49     Subject: Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No, this is way too much, especially if you're considering tracking individual assignments and logging into your kid's portal! If you're paying for their college, I do think that gives you the right to ask about final grades though.


Well, if they're not doing the practice sets you can be pretty damn sure they're going to bomb midterms. Wouldn't you rather address that NOW before they fail a few courses first semester? Or if they're getting crummy p-set scores in math or stats, you could encourage a tutor.


As the mom of college grads, I'm astounded by this. They are adults. Are you planning to follow them to work to make sure they are keeping up?



Oh come on. College students aren't "real" adults. You are paying for their colllege and most likely their living expenses. It's ridiculous to compare monitoring your college student's grades with following them to work.


+1 This is the last chance you have to make sure your lessons about how to be an adult have worked. So way, way more hands off than high school, but not as hands off as your are after college graduation. There's a balance.


No, there is no balance here. You coddle. The End


So to you there is literally no difference between show me your grades because I’m paying $50k and don’t want to waste it, and checking to make sure they do their homework? That’s such rigid thinking.
That is so DCUM. Totally inflexible in thought.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2018 09:48     Subject: Re:Do normal parents check college child's grades...?
Anonymous wrote:It's a FERPA violation to investigate your college kid's grades.
Not if they give permission.