Anonymous
Post 08/31/2018 20:49     Subject: Breadwinner wants out of the rat race
Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand why everyone is jumping all over OP. She took a "hit" in her career so that HE could be the breadwinner, and now with one toddler and another on the way, which will only increase expenses, he wants to duck out. I'd be unhappy too.

That said, the legal field isn't just big law or bust. DH and I are lawyers and make combined salary that is more than fed/nonprofit ($350K). We see our kids every morning and night for quality time. I work a lot, but it's flexible. Don't let resentment build. Work on adjusting your "life plan" for yourself first, then communicate with him what the 1 year, 5 year plan should look like so he is satisfied and you are satisfied.


I wonder whether OP was really on partner-track herself, or just a senior associate whose prospects weren’t as good as her spouse’s. She’s implied that she thinks she and her spouse should make rational economic decisions, but it really would not have been a rational decision to move from the cusp of partnership to a non-profit position. So I do think that she’s overplayed her own sacrifices and understated the extent to which her DH has long had the better earnings potential. She wants posters to think she can “negotiate” with her DH, but it’s really his call.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2018 20:46     Subject: Re:Breadwinner wants out of the rat race
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:PP you're not reading OP's post very well. She took a less demanding job so she could pick up more on the home front. I'm really surprised everyone is dogging on OP. I think she went out of her way to say she wants her DH to be happy but is feeling betrayed. Is that really so unusual? Maybe everyone has their back up because OP used the word "bargain." She meant "compromise." Too many posters talking about OP needing to compromise based on what DH wants. What about DH compromising based on what OP wants? That should be part of a healthy marriage too.


Are you being deliberately obtuse? She scaled back her career before having kids, to a non-profit job at that.

Why she didn’t go in-house, Fed, or at least wait till actually pregnant (and biglaw has pretty good maternity leave I think) is telling as to how they arrived at this ‘bargain’.


I read the OP as her scaling back when their three year old was born. Where are you getting that she wasn’t even pregnant?
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2018 20:30     Subject: Re:Breadwinner wants out of the rat race
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:PP you're not reading OP's post very well. She took a less demanding job so she could pick up more on the home front. I'm really surprised everyone is dogging on OP. I think she went out of her way to say she wants her DH to be happy but is feeling betrayed. Is that really so unusual? Maybe everyone has their back up because OP used the word "bargain." She meant "compromise." Too many posters talking about OP needing to compromise based on what DH wants. What about DH compromising based on what OP wants? That should be part of a healthy marriage too.


Are you being deliberately obtuse? She scaled back her career before having kids, to a non-profit job at that.

Why she didn’t go in-house, Fed, or at least wait till actually pregnant (and biglaw has pretty good maternity leave I think) is telling as to how they arrived at this ‘bargain’.


+1.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2018 20:27     Subject: Breadwinner wants out of the rat race
Anonymous wrote:OP, tell him you will take the kids away if he cuts back. There is no way he can afford a divorce at this point in his career. He will never think of leaving Buglaw again and in a year orso will be past this crisis and will actually thank you.


Show him the thread about the mother-son dynamic, and he will get it.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2018 20:24     Subject: Re:Breadwinner wants out of the rat race
Anonymous wrote:PP you're not reading OP's post very well. She took a less demanding job so she could pick up more on the home front. I'm really surprised everyone is dogging on OP. I think she went out of her way to say she wants her DH to be happy but is feeling betrayed. Is that really so unusual? Maybe everyone has their back up because OP used the word "bargain." She meant "compromise." Too many posters talking about OP needing to compromise based on what DH wants. What about DH compromising based on what OP wants? That should be part of a healthy marriage too.


Are you being deliberately obtuse? She scaled back her career before having kids, to a non-profit job at that.

Why she didn’t go in-house, Fed, or at least wait till actually pregnant (and biglaw has pretty good maternity leave I think) is telling as to how they arrived at this ‘bargain’.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2018 20:17     Subject: Breadwinner wants out of the rat race
If you can't live on $200K in this area, the problem is not a matter of money --- it's a matter of attitude. The good news is that attitudes can change. I think you like the gilded cage, op, as long as your husband is the one in the cage and you can fly freely.

Surely you know this isn't right. If you love someone, or even if you don't love him, but you have a basic sense of decency and fairness, you wouldn't want him to work 70 hrs per week! What kind of life is that? If you care about him at all, you would want him to have some sort of livable work life.

Maybe you would do well to talk to a counselor about your fears of losing what you have. I get that you are sort of counting on him bringing the financial stability, but a couple certainly can live very well on $200K in DMV. We do. And we feel very, very lucky to have the life we have.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2018 20:06     Subject: Breadwinner wants out of the rat race
OP, tell him you will take the kids away if he cuts back. There is no way he can afford a divorce at this point in his career. He will never think of leaving Buglaw again and in a year orso will be past this crisis and will actually thank you.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2018 20:04     Subject: Breadwinner wants out of the rat race
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can he look into joining another firm as a non equity partner? My BFF does this. She works a 2/3 schedule (which is still 40-50 hrs), isn’t responsible for bringing in business and still makes 500k +. I don’t know her exact salary but I know it is over 500j and that one year she made over 700k.



This sounds like a unicorn job. How did she find this?


+1. Those numbers sound very high for a part time non-equity partner. Are you sure those are right?


I’m not the PP but I always assumed non equity partners were making at least 500k. The equity ones make 7 figures easily right?


If in are talking the very best firms, then yes you are making 7 figures, at least after a bit of time as a partner. But at a lot of places that would definitely be considered Biglaw, those numbers are too high unless the person has clients or something else unique that warrants higher pay. Non-equity partners often don't make much more than associates. (Also at many truly top firms, there are no non-equity partners. "Counsel" at these firms basically play the same role.)
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2018 19:49     Subject: Breadwinner wants out of the rat race
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can he look into joining another firm as a non equity partner? My BFF does this. She works a 2/3 schedule (which is still 40-50 hrs), isn’t responsible for bringing in business and still makes 500k +. I don’t know her exact salary but I know it is over 500j and that one year she made over 700k.



This sounds like a unicorn job. How did she find this?


+1. Those numbers sound very high for a part time non-equity partner. Are you sure those are right?


I’m not the PP but I always assumed non equity partners were making at least 500k. The equity ones make 7 figures easily right?
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2018 19:48     Subject: Breadwinner wants out of the rat race
OP -- I wouldn't look at it as 'he's going back on his promise and I'd never do that.' I'd look at it as -- he didn't know what it would feel like until he got there. Sure every senior wants to be partner. But the reality is once you make partner, the pressure completely turns and it's even harder. The commitment that looked good to him and you when he was a 32 yr old 7th yr looks different to him now - bc now he's older and maybe the hours and stress is a LOT more tiring than even 5 yrs ago; now he has a kid and another on the way and maybe when he was committing to you leaning out and him being partner, he thought he'd be ok with not being home much with his hypothetical children and now that it's REAL children, he realizes it bothers him and time goes fast and he's missing out. Just another way to look at it IF you want to give him the benefit of the doubt and not just assume that he's doing this to go back on his word.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2018 19:38     Subject: Re:Breadwinner wants out of the rat race
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your main concern is the drop in income and lifestyle adjustments that will need to happen. Understandable, but that's not really fair to the person who is burdened with maintaining that. I think you need to be as supportive as possible of what your DH wants to do about his career, and find a way as a couple to make that happen for him - just as you'd want him to support your career choices. Sit down together and go over the budget to figure out how things will look, and discuss your concerns with him. But at the end of the day, you really need to trust that he'll make the decision that's best for everyone. Otherwise there's going to be a lot of resentment between you two.

I also don't think you can expect him to handle it the same way you would if you were the one who had stayed in BigLaw. And like you said, you really DON'T know how you'd be feeling at this point in your career had you stayed, so that line of thinking is totally irrelevant.

If you are really concerned about the money, go back to a firm or get a higher paying job yourself.


OP here. Thank you for some actual advice. These are helpful suggestions. As I hope was clear in my post, I do want to support him and do want him to be less stressed and happier. I'm just trying to figure out how to re-jigger the way we save because I want to be prudent about college savings, retirement, etc. and admittedly it was a lot easier to do that with a sky-high HHI.

I'll ignore the other trolls.


It's a little hard to commiserate when many other people save for these things without a large salary.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2018 19:36     Subject: Breadwinner wants out of the rat race
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can he look into joining another firm as a non equity partner? My BFF does this. She works a 2/3 schedule (which is still 40-50 hrs), isn’t responsible for bringing in business and still makes 500k +. I don’t know her exact salary but I know it is over 500j and that one year she made over 700k.



This sounds like a unicorn job. How did she find this?


+1. Those numbers sound very high for a part time non-equity partner. Are you sure those are right?
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2018 19:30     Subject: Breadwinner wants out of the rat race
Anonymous wrote:I’m the breadwinner and yearn for less stress... but we made a deal and I have to live with it. But I contemplate divorce so I can get out of this hell I’ve dug myself into.
OP, is that what you want? To one day come home and he wants a divorce because it is too much?


Yikes. Life is too short. Take the less stressful job and deal with the fallout.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2018 19:22     Subject: Re:Breadwinner wants out of the rat race
Anonymous wrote:PP you're not reading OP's post very well. She took a less demanding job so she could pick up more on the home front. I'm really surprised everyone is dogging on OP. I think she went out of her way to say she wants her DH to be happy but is feeling betrayed. Is that really so unusual? Maybe everyone has their back up because OP used the word "bargain." She meant "compromise." Too many posters talking about OP needing to compromise based on what DH wants. What about DH compromising based on what OP wants? That should be part of a healthy marriage too.

Except marriage isn’t about one compromise and done. Things change. He has a young child and one on the way. He wants to enjoy family life. And OP thinks he’s going back on their bargain/compromise and doesn’t want to live on less. I completely understand why many PPs are saying she needs to compromise again and if the money means that much, she should get back in the rat race.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2018 19:22     Subject: Re:Breadwinner wants out of the rat race
I, main breadwinner, dropped my salary and hours by half after our first kid. We adjusted our life and have never regretted it. Life is unpredictable. You
Can’t live for the future because the future isn’t promised. And your kids are only little once.