Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No, that is not the real issue. The real issue is that our culture has broadly accepted and normalized abuse from men. Marital rape wasn't prosecutable until 1973. Date rape is still largely unprosecutable and even when prosecuted is largely unpunished. The #metoo movement demonstrates the extent to which sexual assault and harrassment is embedded in our culture and relationships. And our economic disempowerment (lower wages, less career mobility, no maternity leave, no widely available reasonable childcare, poor levels of child support post-divorce, and unequal parental burden-sharing) makes it very hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially before the hitting starts.

But sure, blame male abuse on dumb women with low self-esteem.


And once again you are missing the point because you're so intent on placing blame somewhere. Nobody is debating whether or not abuse is wrong. Nobody is debating whether abuse is the fault of the abuser or the victim. We are discussing how someone could identify a potential abuser and the answer is that there are almost always many, many signs in the abuser's behavior. Those signs exist regardless of whether the victim recognizes them for what they are.


Once again you are missing the point. All the "signs" exist in normally developing relationships that never are abusive.

The answer is, it's very hard because the signs are also things that happen in normal relationships and only 20/20 in hindsight.

Also, many women stay to protect their children from abuse because the best abusers don't leave behind "evidence" for court and courts are still run by men, who are abusers, and don't recognize the "signs".

DP. I grew up in a very violent, abusive family. I assure you that the 'signs' of a potentially abusive partner are NOT in a healthy relationship. I am not saying healthy relationships cannot have problems. The difference is in how problems are addressed, the quality of communications and the respect partners show each other, especially when they are unhappy or angry. While YOU and others with little experience may not recognize the signs except in hindsight, that does not mean they are not present and it does not mean healthy relationships have the same/similar signs.

I'm pretty sure you don't really understand healthy relationships.

And it's pretty obvious that most of the women on here who have been in abusive relationships don't understand abusive relationships so what's your point?

It's pretty clear very few abused or not understand the "signs" of abuse but like to think they can't become a victim because they "know better" or would leave the second he says "wow your brother is an invinsiderate dolt".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No, that is not the real issue. The real issue is that our culture has broadly accepted and normalized abuse from men. Marital rape wasn't prosecutable until 1973. Date rape is still largely unprosecutable and even when prosecuted is largely unpunished. The #metoo movement demonstrates the extent to which sexual assault and harrassment is embedded in our culture and relationships. And our economic disempowerment (lower wages, less career mobility, no maternity leave, no widely available reasonable childcare, poor levels of child support post-divorce, and unequal parental burden-sharing) makes it very hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially before the hitting starts.

But sure, blame male abuse on dumb women with low self-esteem.


And once again you are missing the point because you're so intent on placing blame somewhere. Nobody is debating whether or not abuse is wrong. Nobody is debating whether abuse is the fault of the abuser or the victim. We are discussing how someone could identify a potential abuser and the answer is that there are almost always many, many signs in the abuser's behavior. Those signs exist regardless of whether the victim recognizes them for what they are.


Once again you are missing the point. All the "signs" exist in normally developing relationships that never are abusive.

The answer is, it's very hard because the signs are also things that happen in normal relationships and only 20/20 in hindsight.

Also, many women stay to protect their children from abuse because the best abusers don't leave behind "evidence" for court and courts are still run by men, who are abusers, and don't recognize the "signs".

DP. I grew up in a very violent, abusive family. I assure you that the 'signs' of a potentially abusive partner are NOT in a healthy relationship. I am not saying healthy relationships cannot have problems. The difference is in how problems are addressed, the quality of communications and the respect partners show each other, especially when they are unhappy or angry. While YOU and others with little experience may not recognize the signs except in hindsight, that does not mean they are not present and it does not mean healthy relationships have the same/similar signs.

I'm pretty sure you don't really understand healthy relationships.

And it's pretty obvious that most of the women on here who have been in abusive relationships don't understand abusive relationships so what's your point?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FU. There are often no signs at all. Do you think women are stupid? do you think women want to be hit? I dated someone 4 years and lived with him for 1 before he threatened to beat the crap out of me the first time. He raised his hand but didn't hit me. I told him at the time that if he ever laid a finger on me, I would call the cops and have him tossed out so fast it would make his head spin.

3 years later he threatened to beat the crap out of me again and I ended things. He was increasingly subtley abusive, jealous and control in front of all his friends and family members. If they didn't find it apalling, why should I have? He was charming when he wanted to be and when he was cruel he was always apologetic and tried to make up for it. He was always totally into me - proposed, great ring, wanted to have kids.

This is how they reel you in - smooth in the beginning, isolate you from your own peers, try to get you tied down economically so you can't leave and tie you to them with kids. It's the rare abuser who starts out hitting you.

The bolded is the gist of how it happens. Often, abusers push for commitment quickly. It seems like a whirlwind. Over a period of months, they test you with insults and physical aggression to find out what you will take. Over time, the victim of this abuse starts wearing down, cuts off family and friends and the abuser is in full control. The only variable is how often and how severely he beats you. Verbal, financial and emotional abuse are also in play.

So, contrary to what the first PP said, there actually ARE signs - lots of signs but the 'victim' chooses to ignore/overlook them.

It's not that the victim ignores them. Predators choose their victims. They look for vulnerabilities and then exploit them. It starts out so subtly and fom many angles that, by the time the violence starts, the victim is in so deep it is extremely difficult to get out.

But it doesn't mean there aren't signs!

There may be a sign here and there, but it’s easier to see them and understand what they really were about in hindsight. Their ‘off’ behavior can be excused by thinking he’s had a bad day, he’s not feeling well, it really was my fault and so on.....things normal people will think because trusting people will give someone they know the benefit of the doubt and give another chance. Abusers often are on their best behavior during the courtship and will not show the depths of their true colors until after the committment is made.

We shouldn’t be bashing the victim. Maybe it makes you feel better to say she should have seen it coming, but that takes the focus off where it should be — that the abusive partner should not be abusing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No, that is not the real issue. The real issue is that our culture has broadly accepted and normalized abuse from men. Marital rape wasn't prosecutable until 1973. Date rape is still largely unprosecutable and even when prosecuted is largely unpunished. The #metoo movement demonstrates the extent to which sexual assault and harrassment is embedded in our culture and relationships. And our economic disempowerment (lower wages, less career mobility, no maternity leave, no widely available reasonable childcare, poor levels of child support post-divorce, and unequal parental burden-sharing) makes it very hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially before the hitting starts.

But sure, blame male abuse on dumb women with low self-esteem.


And once again you are missing the point because you're so intent on placing blame somewhere. Nobody is debating whether or not abuse is wrong. Nobody is debating whether abuse is the fault of the abuser or the victim. We are discussing how someone could identify a potential abuser and the answer is that there are almost always many, many signs in the abuser's behavior. Those signs exist regardless of whether the victim recognizes them for what they are.


Once again you are missing the point. All the "signs" exist in normally developing relationships that never are abusive.

The answer is, it's very hard because the signs are also things that happen in normal relationships and only 20/20 in hindsight.

Also, many women stay to protect their children from abuse because the best abusers don't leave behind "evidence" for court and courts are still run by men, who are abusers, and don't recognize the "signs".

DP. I grew up in a very violent, abusive family. I assure you that the 'signs' of a potentially abusive partner are NOT in a healthy relationship. I am not saying healthy relationships cannot have problems. The difference is in how problems are addressed, the quality of communications and the respect partners show each other, especially when they are unhappy or angry. While YOU and others with little experience may not recognize the signs except in hindsight, that does not mean they are not present and it does not mean healthy relationships have the same/similar signs.

I'm pretty sure you don't really understand healthy relationships.

Anonymous wrote:I think we can all agree that it just to boils down to this: If you abuse someone, it's your fault. If you stick around after the first few abuses you incure, it's your fault. Don't bore us with all the reasons WHY you felt compelled to stay. No one can treat you any worse than you allow them to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No, that is not the real issue. The real issue is that our culture has broadly accepted and normalized abuse from men. Marital rape wasn't prosecutable until 1973. Date rape is still largely unprosecutable and even when prosecuted is largely unpunished. The #metoo movement demonstrates the extent to which sexual assault and harrassment is embedded in our culture and relationships. And our economic disempowerment (lower wages, less career mobility, no maternity leave, no widely available reasonable childcare, poor levels of child support post-divorce, and unequal parental burden-sharing) makes it very hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially before the hitting starts.

But sure, blame male abuse on dumb women with low self-esteem.


And once again you are missing the point because you're so intent on placing blame somewhere. Nobody is debating whether or not abuse is wrong. Nobody is debating whether abuse is the fault of the abuser or the victim. We are discussing how someone could identify a potential abuser and the answer is that there are almost always many, many signs in the abuser's behavior. Those signs exist regardless of whether the victim recognizes them for what they are.


Once again you are missing the point. All the "signs" exist in normally developing relationships that never are abusive.

The answer is, it's very hard because the signs are also things that happen in normal relationships and only 20/20 in hindsight.

Also, many women stay to protect their children from abuse because the best abusers don't leave behind "evidence" for court and courts are still run by men, who are abusers, and don't recognize the "signs".

DP. I grew up in a very violent, abusive family. I assure you that the 'signs' of a potentially abusive partner are NOT in a healthy relationship. I am not saying healthy relationships cannot have problems. The difference is in how problems are addressed, the quality of communications and the respect partners show each other, especially when they are unhappy or angry. While YOU and others with little experience may not recognize the signs except in hindsight, that does not mean they are not present and it does not mean healthy relationships have the same/similar signs.

I'm pretty sure you don't really understand healthy relationships.

Anonymous wrote:

No, that is not the real issue. The real issue is that our culture has broadly accepted and normalized abuse from men. Marital rape wasn't prosecutable until 1973. Date rape is still largely unprosecutable and even when prosecuted is largely unpunished. The #metoo movement demonstrates the extent to which sexual assault and harrassment is embedded in our culture and relationships. And our economic disempowerment (lower wages, less career mobility, no maternity leave, no widely available reasonable childcare, poor levels of child support post-divorce, and unequal parental burden-sharing) makes it very hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially before the hitting starts.

But sure, blame male abuse on dumb women with low self-esteem.


And once again you are missing the point because you're so intent on placing blame somewhere. Nobody is debating whether or not abuse is wrong. Nobody is debating whether abuse is the fault of the abuser or the victim. We are discussing how someone could identify a potential abuser and the answer is that there are almost always many, many signs in the abuser's behavior. Those signs exist regardless of whether the victim recognizes them for what they are.


Once again you are missing the point. All the "signs" exist in normally developing relationships that never are abusive.

The answer is, it's very hard because the signs are also things that happen in normal relationships and only 20/20 in hindsight.

Also, many women stay to protect their children from abuse because the best abusers don't leave behind "evidence" for court and courts are still run by men, who are abusers, and don't recognize the "signs".

DP. I grew up in a very violent, abusive family. I assure you that the 'signs' of a potentially abusive partner are NOT in a healthy relationship. I am not saying healthy relationships cannot have problems. The difference is in how problems are addressed, the quality of communications and the respect partners show each other, especially when they are unhappy or angry. While YOU and others with little experience may not recognize the signs except in hindsight, that does not mean they are not present and it does not mean healthy relationships have the same/similar signs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I hear about these stories where wives or girlfriends are killed or hurt by their husbands/boyfriends I always wonder how do they end up in these situations?

Do the men just snap? Or is there a pattern or signs one should be aware of?

One of the things that was common to all 3 cases, Scott Peterson who killed his pregnant wife, Drew Peterson who killed a couple of wives and this latest case in Denver is that all 3 men were cheaters. So don’t date men who cheat. Scott Peterson’s mistress at the time of his wife’s murder had no idea that he was married.

No, that is not the real issue. The real issue is that our culture has broadly accepted and normalized abuse from men. Marital rape wasn't prosecutable until 1973. Date rape is still largely unprosecutable and even when prosecuted is largely unpunished. The #metoo movement demonstrates the extent to which sexual assault and harrassment is embedded in our culture and relationships. And our economic disempowerment (lower wages, less career mobility, no maternity leave, no widely available reasonable childcare, poor levels of child support post-divorce, and unequal parental burden-sharing) makes it very hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially before the hitting starts.

But sure, blame male abuse on dumb women with low self-esteem.


And once again you are missing the point because you're so intent on placing blame somewhere. Nobody is debating whether or not abuse is wrong. Nobody is debating whether abuse is the fault of the abuser or the victim. We are discussing how someone could identify a potential abuser and the answer is that there are almost always many, many signs in the abuser's behavior. Those signs exist regardless of whether the victim recognizes them for what they are.


Once again you are missing the point. All the "signs" exist in normally developing relationships that never are abusive.

The answer is, it's very hard because the signs are also things that happen in normal relationships and only 20/20 in hindsight.

Also, many women stay to protect their children from abuse because the best abusers don't leave behind "evidence" for court and courts are still run by men, who are abusers, and don't recognize the "signs".