Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned that he was abused as a child. Can you elaborate?

His mom is an awful narcissistic alcoholic. She was horrible to him when he was a child. He says he has limited contact with her and is out of her thumb now. But it took years or fights were sometimes his father would get physical with him. When his mother bullied him and his sister his father would not interfere.

Doesn’t sound like it to me if he’s visiting 15-20 times a year and sleeping over during Christmas.
I think you should both do individual therapy.

Op here. This is what is the root of my problem. It’s not like his mother is an otherwise healthy individual who doesn’t happen to like me. She is mentally ill and has destroyed her children. I have heard bad stories. She’s give her babies medicine to make them go to sleep. She bullied my husband because he was dark and not blonde and waspy etc.

The problem is my husband has abused child syndrome where on one had he says she was awful but on the other he still craves any affection she will give him. And refuses to acknowledge the full extent of her mental illness.

Sorry if you already answered this but has your husband done any individual counseling? Does he recognize/acknowledge that he is still pursuing a relationship with an unhealthy/emotionally abusive person even though he is "limiting" his contact? Can he articulate the boundaries he has for what he considers acceptable interaction between his mom and himself as well as his mom and you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what is it that you want? People have given advice and you poopoo it all. Are you just here to vent?

She wants him to stop visiting them completely. He’s already limited his visits according to her. She also has the freedom to stay home but that’s not enough because she wants to spend Christmas Day with him.

OP, he says he won’t stop visiting completely or cut them off completely. He’s offered you a compromise of not going with him. It seems like that’s as far as he will go and, frankly, insisting he give up his family and traditions seems a little much. Yes, ideally he’d talk to his mom and tell her to shut up, but people don’t change much and I doubt that would work anyway. You need to decide whether you can live in a marriage where he has a part of his life (his family, his traditions) that you don’t join in.

Where in any of OPs posts did she say she wanted her DH to cut them off. You are posting over and over in this thread and it's obnoxious. You sound like a disgruntled MIL.

OP wants her DH to support her. OP would probably appreciate DH telling his mom not to insult, lie and demean his wife. OP would probably like some encouragement from DH that what she feels is not wrong and stop telling her to "just ignore it".

OP is following advice and asked for a therapist recommendation in another thread - and I don't think anyone even responded to THAT. But you're chattering on nonstop about how unreasonable OP is being. She sounds like she has bent over backwards and all she wants to know is that DH has her back - outside of "that's just the way they are and you can stay home".

She said she asked him to cut off contact and he refused. So there’s that.

No she didn't - reading comprehension skills are necessary if you feel like you need to debate. She said that one thing DH hasn't done is cut them off. Not that she asked - but stated he hasn't. He also hasn't explicitly told his mom during an incident so horrendous such as the most recent that she's out of line and defend his wife - instead he tells OP that she needs to get over it because that's how she is.

That's not being a supportive husband - even if you are trying to find a compromise solution that allows for DH to have some type of relationship with his family. His family has other people outside of the mother as well. OP flatly stated that she encourages her DH to spend time with SIL for example, but he either doesn't (and she gets the blame) or he does and complains about her toxicity after the fact.

I'm surprised at the number of people on this board who just say "divorce him" but will say that the only reasonable reason for divorce is abuse, adultery or addiction. It's either - OP is a bitch for wanting a compromise or divorce the loser.

OP - if anything - find an individual counselor. Find time to sit with someone and go through how YOU deal with everyone - including how you deal with DH in these times. You love him, you want to be with him but this is a very serious matter that will get more complicated with children involved. If MIL and extended family are bigots/racists then there is an added layer of lifetime stress you will bear if some of these issues aren't discussed openly with DH and resolved - outside of just ignoring it. Your marriage can overcome these hurdles but both you and DH need to agree and be on the same page but part of that is finding your voice and your own therapy will help you with that. Your own responses and actions - including trying to kiss up to someone who obviously can't stand you is a problem - deal with your issues and you'll find that dealing with how you respond in these scenarios will change as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned that he was abused as a child. Can you elaborate?

His mom is an awful narcissistic alcoholic. She was horrible to him when he was a child. He says he has limited contact with her and is out of her thumb now. But it took years or fights were sometimes his father would get physical with him. When his mother bullied him and his sister his father would not interfere.

Doesn’t sound like it to me if he’s visiting 15-20 times a year and sleeping over during Christmas.
I think you should both do individual therapy.

Op here. This is what is the root of my problem. It’s not like his mother is an otherwise healthy individual who doesn’t happen to like me. She is mentally ill and has destroyed her children. I have heard bad stories. She’s give her babies medicine to make them go to sleep. She bullied my husband because he was dark and not blonde and waspy etc.

The problem is my husband has abused child syndrome where on one had he says she was awful but on the other he still craves any affection she will give him. And refuses to acknowledge the full extent of her mental illness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what is it that you want? People have given advice and you poopoo it all. Are you just here to vent?

She wants him to stop visiting them completely. He’s already limited his visits according to her. She also has the freedom to stay home but that’s not enough because she wants to spend Christmas Day with him.

OP, he says he won’t stop visiting completely or cut them off completely. He’s offered you a compromise of not going with him. It seems like that’s as far as he will go and, frankly, insisting he give up his family and traditions seems a little much. Yes, ideally he’d talk to his mom and tell her to shut up, but people don’t change much and I doubt that would work anyway. You need to decide whether you can live in a marriage where he has a part of his life (his family, his traditions) that you don’t join in.

Where in any of OPs posts did she say she wanted her DH to cut them off. You are posting over and over in this thread and it's obnoxious. You sound like a disgruntled MIL.

OP wants her DH to support her. OP would probably appreciate DH telling his mom not to insult, lie and demean his wife. OP would probably like some encouragement from DH that what she feels is not wrong and stop telling her to "just ignore it".

OP is following advice and asked for a therapist recommendation in another thread - and I don't think anyone even responded to THAT. But you're chattering on nonstop about how unreasonable OP is being. She sounds like she has bent over backwards and all she wants to know is that DH has her back - outside of "that's just the way they are and you can stay home".

She said she asked him to cut off contact and he refused. So there’s that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I feel very depressed and sick to my stomach. Not that I want acceptance from these people but by the blatant lack of respect for me and by extension their son. How can anyone be as crazy to talk bad about their daughter in law in front of her little sister??

I have an otherwise wonderful marriage. Other people envy how much we love each other. These psychotic people are the only wedge. I think calls to end our marriage is a little strange.

I’d prefer to never see or deal with this woman or her daughter. But I know my husband would never want to cut them out and will go to Christmas and stuff. I don’t want to spend Christmas apart.

I don't believe that you have a wonderful marriage. I don't believe that your husband loves you. If he did he would not tolerate what your mother-in-law is doing. If he cared about you he would have your back. I have no doubt he will not have your back in other situations. You really don't know what a relationship is like until you say no to a person. Are you the type of partner who goes along with him most of the time? Have you ever stood up and said no to him about anything? What was it like? He is expecting you to accept abuse and it will get worse if you have children. That will open you to 10x more criticism. Also you aren't putting him in the middle with his mother. He should be on one side - yours.

Your counsellor was horrible.

Agree. Sorry, OP.

Your husband needs to talk to his mom. You say he’s ineffectual at talking to her. Also, you say you asked him to cut off contact and he refused. To me, his visits are the weapon you guys could use to keep his mom in line, but again, you asked and he refused.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned that he was abused as a child. Can you elaborate?

His mom is an awful narcissistic alcoholic. She was horrible to him when he was a child. He says he has limited contact with her and is out of her thumb now. But it took years or fights were sometimes his father would get physical with him. When his mother bullied him and his sister his father would not interfere.

It will be one thousand times worse when you have a child. Your husband will be spending a lot of time with his mom trying to win her love through your children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned that he was abused as a child. Can you elaborate?

His mom is an awful narcissistic alcoholic. She was horrible to him when he was a child. He says he has limited contact with her and is out of her thumb now. But it took years or fights were sometimes his father would get physical with him. When his mother bullied him and his sister his father would not interfere.

Doesn’t sound like it to me if he’s visiting 15-20 times a year and sleeping over during Christmas.
I think you should both do individual therapy.

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned that he was abused as a child. Can you elaborate?

His mom is an awful narcissistic alcoholic. She was horrible to him when he was a child. He says he has limited contact with her and is out of her thumb now. But it took years or fights were sometimes his father would get physical with him. When his mother bullied him and his sister his father would not interfere.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what is it that you want? People have given advice and you poopoo it all. Are you just here to vent?

She wants him to stop visiting them completely. He’s already limited his visits according to her. She also has the freedom to stay home but that’s not enough because she wants to spend Christmas Day with him.

OP, he says he won’t stop visiting completely or cut them off completely. He’s offered you a compromise of not going with him. It seems like that’s as far as he will go and, frankly, insisting he give up his family and traditions seems a little much. Yes, ideally he’d talk to his mom and tell her to shut up, but people don’t change much and I doubt that would work anyway. You need to decide whether you can live in a marriage where he has a part of his life (his family, his traditions) that you don’t join in.

Where in any of OPs posts did she say she wanted her DH to cut them off. You are posting over and over in this thread and it's obnoxious. You sound like a disgruntled MIL.

OP wants her DH to support her. OP would probably appreciate DH telling his mom not to insult, lie and demean his wife. OP would probably like some encouragement from DH that what she feels is not wrong and stop telling her to "just ignore it".

OP is following advice and asked for a therapist recommendation in another thread - and I don't think anyone even responded to THAT. But you're chattering on nonstop about how unreasonable OP is being. She sounds like she has bent over backwards and all she wants to know is that DH has her back - outside of "that's just the way they are and you can stay home".

You’re responding to me, one of the many posters on this thread. I’m not posting over and over—others here are telling OP exactly the same thing. And I’m not a MIL. But you do you.

But nobody knows what she wants. She’s unhappy that he’s over there 20x a year (they’re in town or nearby?) so she wants him to visit them less or maybe not at all. She’s unhappy that she stays home while he goes. She says he wants her to be with her on Christmas Day instead of with them, even though she’s Muslim and she and DH can buy a tree for their own place if that’s what she wants. This starts to sound like she’s asking him to cut them off.

Yes, her husband should validate her and tell his mom to STFU. But there are elements of a compromise here and she’s rejecting them all in favor of, apparently, stronger measures. What do you think is reasonable?

You mentioned that he was abused as a child. Can you elaborate?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what is it that you want? People have given advice and you poopoo it all. Are you just here to vent?

She wants him to stop visiting them completely. He’s already limited his visits according to her. She also has the freedom to stay home but that’s not enough because she wants to spend Christmas Day with him.

OP, he says he won’t stop visiting completely or cut them off completely. He’s offered you a compromise of not going with him. It seems like that’s as far as he will go and, frankly, insisting he give up his family and traditions seems a little much. Yes, ideally he’d talk to his mom and tell her to shut up, but people don’t change much and I doubt that would work anyway. You need to decide whether you can live in a marriage where he has a part of his life (his family, his traditions) that you don’t join in.

Where in any of OPs posts did she say she wanted her DH to cut them off. You are posting over and over in this thread and it's obnoxious. You sound like a disgruntled MIL.

OP wants her DH to support her. OP would probably appreciate DH telling his mom not to insult, lie and demean his wife. OP would probably like some encouragement from DH that what she feels is not wrong and stop telling her to "just ignore it".

OP is following advice and asked for a therapist recommendation in another thread - and I don't think anyone even responded to THAT. But you're chattering on nonstop about how unreasonable OP is being. She sounds like she has bent over backwards and all she wants to know is that DH has her back - outside of "that's just the way they are and you can stay home".

Thank you. This is exactly what I want. I feel so alone as my feelings aren’t validated by my husband. I don’t want him to cut them off. I want to feel that he cares about me and doesn’t want me to be subject to their cruelty.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I feel very depressed and sick to my stomach. Not that I want acceptance from these people but by the blatant lack of respect for me and by extension their son. How can anyone be as crazy to talk bad about their daughter in law in front of her little sister??

I have an otherwise wonderful marriage. Other people envy how much we love each other. These psychotic people are the only wedge. I think calls to end our marriage is a little strange.

I’d prefer to never see or deal with this woman or her daughter. But I know my husband would never want to cut them out and will go to Christmas and stuff. I don’t want to spend Christmas apart.

I don't believe that you have a wonderful marriage. I don't believe that your husband loves you. If he did he would not tolerate what your mother-in-law is doing. If he cared about you he would have your back. I have no doubt he will not have your back in other situations. You really don't know what a relationship is like until you say no to a person. Are you the type of partner who goes along with him most of the time? Have you ever stood up and said no to him about anything? What was it like? He is expecting you to accept abuse and it will get worse if you have children. That will open you to 10x more criticism. Also you aren't putting him in the middle with his mother. He should be on one side - yours.

Your counsellor was horrible.

Our therapist emboldened him. She told us that I am not allowed to criticize his mother or family as they are his family. And that I need to let him off the hook for his mother’s behavior as he can’t control her and shouldn’t be held responsible for her behavior. After that the only solution he has is to let me not go over there unless absolutely necessary. He also has occasionally told her to knock it off. I don’t think he thinks her behavior is ok he just is at a loss about what to do. The one thing he doesn’t want to do is cut them off. He has already minimized contact with them to maybe 20 -15 Times a year. I only go over maybe 5-6 times and that little contact is enough to create so much drama in my life.

OP 15 - 20 times a year is a lot!

Will you try for what a PP suggested, try to make the visits 1) daytime when less drinking could be involved and 2) at your house so you can not serve alcohol?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what is it that you want? People have given advice and you poopoo it all. Are you just here to vent?

She wants him to stop visiting them completely. He’s already limited his visits according to her. She also has the freedom to stay home but that’s not enough because she wants to spend Christmas Day with him.

OP, he says he won’t stop visiting completely or cut them off completely. He’s offered you a compromise of not going with him. It seems like that’s as far as he will go and, frankly, insisting he give up his family and traditions seems a little much. Yes, ideally he’d talk to his mom and tell her to shut up, but people don’t change much and I doubt that would work anyway. You need to decide whether you can live in a marriage where he has a part of his life (his family, his traditions) that you don’t join in.

Where in any of OPs posts did she say she wanted her DH to cut them off. You are posting over and over in this thread and it's obnoxious. You sound like a disgruntled MIL.

OP wants her DH to support her. OP would probably appreciate DH telling his mom not to insult, lie and demean his wife. OP would probably like some encouragement from DH that what she feels is not wrong and stop telling her to "just ignore it".

OP is following advice and asked for a therapist recommendation in another thread - and I don't think anyone even responded to THAT. But you're chattering on nonstop about how unreasonable OP is being. She sounds like she has bent over backwards and all she wants to know is that DH has her back - outside of "that's just the way they are and you can stay home".

Anonymous wrote:OP what is it that you want? People have given advice and you poopoo it all. Are you just here to vent?

She wants him to stop visiting them completely. He’s already limited his visits according to her. She also has the freedom to stay home but that’s not enough because she wants to spend Christmas Day with him.

OP, he says he won’t stop visiting completely or cut them off completely. He’s offered you a compromise of not going with him. It seems like that’s as far as he will go and, frankly, insisting he give up his family and traditions seems a little much. Yes, ideally he’d talk to his mom and tell her to shut up, but people don’t change much and I doubt that would work anyway. You need to decide whether you can live in a marriage where he has a part of his life (his family, his traditions) that you don’t join in.

OP what is it that you want? People have given advice and you poopoo it all. Are you just here to vent?