Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to imagine what it was like for them to watch ALL the "other siblings" have kids in the past two years while that's what they desperately wanted and could not have. Just sit for a minute and try.

For the first baby, they could probably manage. But then the next one came, and they were still in the same spot. And then another. Same spot. Then another, same spot. And all these relatives were inviting them to baby showers and baptisms/bris events and then giving them side eye for not coming.

You know why I skipped one of my dearest friend's baby shower? I couldn't do it. Another of our friends was going to be there too, hugely pregnant. I was on year 3 of NOT being able to get pregnant. I wanted it so badly and I felt so awful DAILY that I couldn't make it happen. I could not sit there and coo over baby stuff. I'd done it just a month earlier for another friend, and it almost broke me. I was surrounded by pregnant friends at every turn (all early 30s married women).

The worst part? I hated myself for it. I felt weak and humiliated that I just could not fake it anymore. I felt sad and desperate and irrational and bitter. The only thing worse than FEELING that way was everyone else KNOWING I felt that way. I hated that I had a hard time just being happy for my friends. I wanted them to be happy! I was just so so sad for me.

My advice: love their new kid like crazy, do your best to facilitate the cousin relationship, and DROP the slights or whatever else. If you are close enough you can say "I'm sorry for what you've gone through, that must have been hard".

From someone who's been there -- this is so well put.

You know, I've been there too, as have many others, without severing relationships. Do you not go to friends' weddings if you're not married? Not celebrate with a friend who got a promotion because you didn't get one? Not forge a relationship with your nieces and nephews -- who, news flash, are your family too -- because you couldn't have kids?

Those saying OP is the selfish one should take a look at their own behavior and recommendations. In my book it's far more selfish to cut off relationships and only think about oneself and one's own pain, than it is to wonder why one's own brother and SIL never met one's kids. A couple months is one thing but OP implied it's been years. You all really think you can just blow off friends and family for years while you deal with your own pain, and then once you solve it or come to terms with it you can waltz back in like nothing happened and expect them to accept you, no questions asked, no resentment? When you blow off relationships like that, you're hurting the other person. You may be doing it out of your own pain but you are still inflicting pain.

I disagree with all these posters. OP has a right to be upset. I'm sorry for the SIL and brother, but they have acted badly here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infertility is not an excuse to check out. They should have been involved with their niece's/nephews.

I agree completely. It's one thing to have a hard time with pregnancy announcements, even to skip baby showers and the like. It's entirely another to completely reject and make zero effort to spend time around your nieces and nephews once they're actually here - real people (close family members!) who are growing and changing as individuals. They're no longer just amorphous "babies" that you don't have yourself at that point.. Having a hard time reacting joyfully to another pregnant announcement or a hard time being around someone when they're pregnant is one thing; avoiding your own nieces and nephews is another. That's absolutely offensive and wrong on their parts, and not excused by infertility.

Spoken like someone who has never had to struggle.

You're wrong actually, it took me almost 4 years to get (and stay) pregnant. And you can bet it got harder and hrder for me to put on a happy face and act thrilled when people shared pregnancy news with me. Private cries, skipping baby showers and gender reveals? I did it. But I cannot IMAGINE not ever seeing my nieces and nephews as they grew and became toddlers etc. Can't imagine! I love kids...and I love the hell out of them.

How far does this logic go for you? Do you avoid your siblings' kids through the teenage years, because it's too painful of a reminder that you don't have a teenager of your own? Do you suddenly start trying to forge a relationship with them when they turn 20?

Honestly, I'd like to know your logic here

The logic is that everyone is different and it's dumb to impose your view on others. Simple.

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be honest - I wonder if part of this is family culture, that drove brother and SIL.

SO MANY people on the parent track start imposing on others who are childless, that this is the norm, and make you feel like crap for not adapting.

I can’t tell you how many times I was asked by family members who were parents “so when are you guys finally going to become parents?”, or subjected to rude comments about how we were old enough and apparently settled enough to stop being selfish, etc. and have kids already. Snide (but apparently joking) comments about being DINKS like the couple in Christmas Vacation, etc. Lectures about how awesome parenthood is, and being told I didn’t know love in it’s full capacity because I didn’t have kids yet. Wistful comments from the grandparents about how they had to give all of DHs old toys to his nieces and nephews because they might not be around one day to see any other of their grandchildren play with them.

It was only a few comments each time we visited, but it was EVERY time, and every phone call, and so pointed and made me feel so excluded from their little parent club. I skipped out on two major holidays because I really just didn’t want to be jabbed At for not being a mother “yet”.

I’ve since had DD. Of course, everyone is through the moon. They’ve tried to cultivate the relationship even more, but I’m done. I will make sure that DD has a relationship, but I’ll never forget that most of my value to them was to breed, instead of being a whole person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infertility is not an excuse to check out. They should have been involved with their niece's/nephews.

I agree completely. It's one thing to have a hard time with pregnancy announcements, even to skip baby showers and the like. It's entirely another to completely reject and make zero effort to spend time around your nieces and nephews once they're actually here - real people (close family members!) who are growing and changing as individuals. They're no longer just amorphous "babies" that you don't have yourself at that point.. Having a hard time reacting joyfully to another pregnant announcement or a hard time being around someone when they're pregnant is one thing; avoiding your own nieces and nephews is another. That's absolutely offensive and wrong on their parts, and not excused by infertility.

Spoken like someone who has never had to struggle.

NP here and I totally agree with the poster commenting about being in their niece and nephews' lives. And yes, I have infertility issues (IUI, IVF, 3 years of trying), I do not have a child and I absolutely adore my young nephews and have since day one.

Good for you. Others are different and it's silly you would think everyone should act as you did.[/quoteP

PP here, I wasn't clear enough in my response but I was describing my situation as a counter argument to the poster who wrote "spoken like someone who never has to struggle with infertility" because yes it is silly to think everyone should act like me during a friend's pregnancy. Not ever seeing the child for a year I cannot understand.

PP here, I wasn't clear enough in my response but I was describing my situation as a counter argument to the poster who wrote "spoken like someone who never has to struggle with infertility" because yes it is silly to think everyone should act like me during a friend's pregnancy. Not ever seeing the child for a year I cannot understand.