Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just got together with a friend this week and realized our views on life and money are so different that I don’t know how to say anything in front of her for fear she’ll jump all over me.

Known each other for 13 years. Both from immigrant families. I grew up in NJ, middle/slightly UMC, parents came here from an eastern culture that values stability and wealth. Parents encouraged us kids to go into the $$$ professions like finance, law, med. Not much encouragement required for me bc while we had a nice life growing up, I wanted all the things we didn’t have – luxury cars, vacations etc. Ended up in i-banking for a few yrs and then went to law school, did the big law thing for 9-10 yrs and then 2-3 yrs ago switched over to in house.

Friend – also immigrant parents (different culture). Grew up in Harlem – middle/lower middle class. Both of us ended up in biglaw though it isn’t a colleague situation – friends for 13 yrs, hang out together outside of work all the time, some travel together etc. She stayed in biglaw for ~4 yrs and then went to a non profit.

Got together this week in NYC and it’s amazing to me how much she harped on – money doesn’t matter/is no object (and no there isn’t a DH who is providing or family money). I have no problem with service to others/taking a pay cut for work life balance etc. IF you have taken care of yourself financially first – solid standard of living, investments etc. Yet whenever we talk and when we got together she has a way of “talking down” or saying "no big deal" to anything nice that I mention -- whether a new car (not even luxury) or a 5 star hotel. It’s not like I’m the type who is boasting about jetting off to Monaco or a new Porsche yearly, or even talking about things that I personally have/am buying. I’m just talking a regular nice UMC life where you mention – oh saw that new condo building, it looks cool and she goes – ugh no one needs that, they’re ugly, it’s not worth it, what are you really getting living there as compared to a building built in 1900 with no central AC, AC doesn't matter etc.

She harped on how money is NBD and she left biglaw making like 250k (some yrs ago) and her non profit job pays like ~75k and it's perfectly fine. I bit my tongue while thinking – yeah but at nearly 40 with higher education, not everyone WANTS to live in Harlem (and I don’t mean one of the new fancy construction buildings in Harlem); or deny themselves cabs/ubers if they don’t feel like walking home; or have to even think twice when they need a few new sweaters or suits or a toaster. All of these are examples that have come up. And yet she has this way of acting like I’m being a brat for having the view of – I’ve worked hard for a lot of years, I want a nice life and I don’t want to be in a position where my winter coat rips and I try to get by in 30 degree temps rather than just going to a store and spending $300 on a new coat.

Ever have this happen? Did the friendship survive?

You are insufferable. You have all that money, but no class. Too bad.

Anonymous wrote:I have a friendship just like this where I’m in your position. I’m not a bragger, and I’m willing to bet you aren’t either – it’s just that these types are super sensitive to everything and DCUM loves to jump all over people. I’m actually tight lipped about money, though I am big on investing since DH and I have a goal of early retirement (and no – I don’t discuss the investments, how much goes in etc.). Friend who left the private sector within 3-4 years and went to a non profit knows about our early retirement goal only because we’ve said we won’t stick in the area after age 55 and will move to a LCOL area etc.; she has no idea that we’re targeting x million or how we intend to get there. The other day she asks directly – do you have enough to retire now? Uh – none of your business!? But you can tell the insecurity it causes when she tells me she hasn’t maxed out a 401k in 7 years due to the huge pay cut she took and yet you know she’s thinking – hmm I bet they’re maxing out, do you think they have other investments on top of that etc. So yeah – these awkward things only grow with time.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who said earlier that OP is why I left biglaw. She is. She really, really is. I never joined biglaw to make a sh*t ton of money and buy fancy things. I joined only because I had a large family to support. I hated everything about it, but the thing I hated the most was all the boring, self-absorbed and shallow people like OP. I am so much happier to have all of that -- and them -- behind me.

Anonymous wrote:Just got together with a friend this week and realized our views on life and money are so different that I don’t know how to say anything in front of her for fear she’ll jump all over me.

Known each other for 13 years. Both from immigrant families. I grew up in NJ, middle/slightly UMC, parents came here from an eastern culture that values stability and wealth. Parents encouraged us kids to go into the $$$ professions like finance, law, med. Not much encouragement required for me bc while we had a nice life growing up, I wanted all the things we didn’t have – luxury cars, vacations etc. Ended up in i-banking for a few yrs and then went to law school, did the big law thing for 9-10 yrs and then 2-3 yrs ago switched over to in house.

Friend – also immigrant parents (different culture). Grew up in Harlem – middle/lower middle class. Both of us ended up in biglaw though it isn’t a colleague situation – friends for 13 yrs, hang out together outside of work all the time, some travel together etc. She stayed in biglaw for ~4 yrs and then went to a non profit.

Got together this week in NYC and it’s amazing to me how much she harped on – money doesn’t matter/is no object (and no there isn’t a DH who is providing or family money). I have no problem with service to others/taking a pay cut for work life balance etc. IF you have taken care of yourself financially first – solid standard of living, investments etc. Yet whenever we talk and when we got together she has a way of “talking down” or saying "no big deal" to anything nice that I mention -- whether a new car (not even luxury) or a 5 star hotel. It’s not like I’m the type who is boasting about jetting off to Monaco or a new Porsche yearly, or even talking about things that I personally have/am buying. I’m just talking a regular nice UMC life where you mention – oh saw that new condo building, it looks cool and she goes – ugh no one needs that, they’re ugly, it’s not worth it, what are you really getting living there as compared to a building built in 1900 with no central AC, AC doesn't matter etc.

She harped on how money is NBD and she left biglaw making like 250k (some yrs ago) and her non profit job pays like ~75k and it's perfectly fine. I bit my tongue while thinking – yeah but at nearly 40 with higher education, not everyone WANTS to live in Harlem (and I don’t mean one of the new fancy construction buildings in Harlem); or deny themselves cabs/ubers if they don’t feel like walking home; or have to even think twice when they need a few new sweaters or suits or a toaster. All of these are examples that have come up. And yet she has this way of acting like I’m being a brat for having the view of – I’ve worked hard for a lot of years, I want a nice life and I don’t want to be in a position where my winter coat rips and I try to get by in 30 degree temps rather than just going to a store and spending $300 on a new coat.

Ever have this happen? Did the friendship survive?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friendships change over time. Money is just one reason why, though often a big reason. If it's valuable to you, then even though it isn't really fair -- you will avoid the issues she's insecure about -- things; cars; vacations; etc. Like the PPs above, if you want to continue to be friends focus on ideas, events, etc. not who is going where/how cool it would be to live here or drive there because clearly that's hurting her feelings even though you aren't bragging about your OWN trips or commenting on where she should live.

OP doesn’t have any ideas. All her conversation in the first post about cars, house, etc. Who wants boring friends?

THIS. I've long had a lot more money than almost everyone I associate with and I never talk about those things. They're meaningless and boring.

OP here -- ok well I don't find architecture and construction boring -- it's my other passion other than the market/business/finance. I think people think I'm sitting around saying -- wow that condo listed for 2.2mil. I'm not. I'm commenting on the actual construction, views, design. Sorry that bores you so.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who said earlier that OP is why I left biglaw. She is. She really, really is. I never joined biglaw to make a sh*t ton of money and buy fancy things. I joined only because I had a large family to support. I hated everything about it, but the thing I hated the most was all the boring, self-absorbed and shallow people like OP. I am so much happier to have all of that -- and them -- behind me.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who said earlier that OP is why I left biglaw. She is. She really, really is. I never joined biglaw to make a sh*t ton of money and buy fancy things. I joined only because I had a large family to support. I hated everything about it, but the thing I hated the most was all the boring, self-absorbed and shallow people like OP. I am so much happier to have all of that -- and them -- behind me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friendships change over time. Money is just one reason why, though often a big reason. If it's valuable to you, then even though it isn't really fair -- you will avoid the issues she's insecure about -- things; cars; vacations; etc. Like the PPs above, if you want to continue to be friends focus on ideas, events, etc. not who is going where/how cool it would be to live here or drive there because clearly that's hurting her feelings even though you aren't bragging about your OWN trips or commenting on where she should live.

OP doesn’t have any ideas. All her conversation in the first post about cars, house, etc. Who wants boring friends?

THIS. I've long had a lot more money than almost everyone I associate with and I never talk about those things. They're meaningless and boring.

OP here -- ok well I don't find architecture and construction boring -- it's my other passion other than the market/business/finance. I think people think I'm sitting around saying -- wow that condo listed for 2.2mil. I'm not. I'm commenting on the actual construction, views, design. Sorry that bores you so.