Anonymous
06/27/2018 13:40
Subject: Ex husband asked me to stop calling his mom when our child is visiting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have a seven year old who doesn’t start camp until next week. Last week, my aunt babysat her, this week my ex’s mom is babysitting. I called last night to see how DD’s day is going and to say goodnight. This is something I do when she’s with my aunt or even her dad. He calls when she’s with me. Today, my ex called me and said his mom doesn’t want me calling her while DD is visiting. She thinks it’s getting in the way of her bonding time with DD. I never imagined it would be a problem to call my own child! I’m not calling to bother her, I just call more so to say goodnight. Am I missing something? Am I wrong for this?
Grandma is not entitled to special bonding time with her grandchild that is uninterrupted by the child's parents. If a nightly goodnight phone call from the child's mother disrupts the bonding process, then what is happening is inappropriate.
When I got divorced, my ex and I agreed that a nightly bedtime call with DD was appropriate unless there was something going on that prevented that call from occurring (e.g., DD fell asleep in the car on the way home, DD declines call, major time difference issue, etc.). When DD stayed with my mom and sister for a few days, they called my ex AND me at bedtime. When he took her on vacation to his mom's house, they called me every night. We continued this until DD said that she didn't need a nightly bedtime call anymore (she was around 6).
If you and your ex have agreed that a nightly bedtime call is appropriate, Grandma doesn't get to make that decision.
I guess you can stand on that hill and fight that battle, but I think your decision should be driven by the child. Does she need the call or is it for you? If it's just for you, let it go because in the scheme of things it won't matter and getting along is the higher road for the sake of your kid. If your daughter really really needs the call, you can figure it out how to make it happen. Like the other posters are asking, could it just be the timing? Or you can ask Grandma if every other day would work.
Anonymous
06/27/2018 13:14
Subject: Ex husband asked me to stop calling his mom when our child is visiting
Anonymous wrote:I have a seven year old who doesn’t start camp until next week. Last week, my aunt babysat her, this week my ex’s mom is babysitting. I called last night to see how DD’s day is going and to say goodnight. This is something I do when she’s with my aunt or even her dad. He calls when she’s with me. Today, my ex called me and said his mom doesn’t want me calling her while DD is visiting. She thinks it’s getting in the way of her bonding time with DD. I never imagined it would be a problem to call my own child! I’m not calling to bother her, I just call more so to say goodnight. Am I missing something? Am I wrong for this?
Grandma is not entitled to special bonding time with her grandchild that is uninterrupted by the child's parents. If a nightly goodnight phone call from the child's mother disrupts the bonding process, then what is happening is inappropriate.
When I got divorced, my ex and I agreed that a nightly bedtime call with DD was appropriate unless there was something going on that prevented that call from occurring (e.g., DD fell asleep in the car on the way home, DD declines call, major time difference issue, etc.). When DD stayed with my mom and sister for a few days, they called my ex AND me at bedtime. When he took her on vacation to his mom's house, they called me every night. We continued this until DD said that she didn't need a nightly bedtime call anymore (she was around 6).
If you and your ex have agreed that a nightly bedtime call is appropriate, Grandma doesn't get to make that decision.
Anonymous
06/27/2018 13:08
Subject: Ex husband asked me to stop calling his mom when our child is visiting
Tell him that the rules are negotiated between you and him. Tell him if he is not willing to explain to his mother that he has free access to call and that should be reciprocated when the child is away from the mother, then you will need to file a motion. Grandma is not a primary caregiver - she has no role here to dictate access. If husband will not preserve parity regarding this, file a motion. Do it yourself, don't hire a lawyer for this. If you do not have anything in the parenting agreement about calls, this will be harder but will let them know that you are deadly serious about maintaining parity regarding calls.
I'm divorced and disagree with the PP who are divorced and telling you to suck it up. 7 is not 12.
I'm divorced and disagree with the PP who are divorced and telling you to suck it up. 7 is not 12.
Anonymous
06/27/2018 12:59
Subject: Re:Ex husband asked me to stop calling his mom when our child is visiting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote: I absolutely agree with him. I’m sorry and I know it sucks. I am a mom of two children, 12 and 10. We got divorced when they were three and nine months old. When it is his time/his families time. You have to back off. I know from my children if I were to call or Skype it makes them very upset and on able to enjoy their time with his family
How did you have babies 6 months apart?
Children are 12 and 10. Children were 3yrs and 6mos when the PP divorced.
Anonymous
06/27/2018 12:49
Subject: Re:Ex husband asked me to stop calling his mom when our child is visiting
Anonymous wrote: I absolutely agree with him. I’m sorry and I know it sucks. I am a mom of two children, 12 and 10. We got divorced when they were three and nine months old. When it is his time/his families time. You have to back off. I know from my children if I were to call or Skype it makes them very upset and on able to enjoy their time with his family
How did you have babies 6 months apart?
Anonymous
06/27/2018 12:17
Subject: Ex husband asked me to stop calling his mom when our child is visiting
First, try to work with your ex: Is it the particular time you're calling that's the problem? Stress that you just want to talk to your DD once a day like you normally do and like he always does, and you're willing to work around MIL to make it work.
If that doesn't work, tell him that while you will respect her wishes for now, you will have to seek a modification of the custody agreement because the arrangement doesn't work for you.
(For background: One daily call from whichever parent didn't have physical custody of me that night was actually in my parents' divorce agreement. It's actually pretty normal in NY, it was in the template agreement apparently. I suspect a judge would be sympathetic, especially if you documented that you tried to reach an agreement first.)
If that doesn't work, tell him that while you will respect her wishes for now, you will have to seek a modification of the custody agreement because the arrangement doesn't work for you.
(For background: One daily call from whichever parent didn't have physical custody of me that night was actually in my parents' divorce agreement. It's actually pretty normal in NY, it was in the template agreement apparently. I suspect a judge would be sympathetic, especially if you documented that you tried to reach an agreement first.)
Anonymous
06/27/2018 11:07
Subject: Ex husband asked me to stop calling his mom when our child is visiting
I am going to give you some retrospect advice, as I was divorced when my children were younger (15 years ago). Speaking with your children every day etc. is not going to matter to the child at all, what matters in the end is that the parents make peace and get along and model that behavior for the rest of the family. That will make your children more secure than any amount of phone calls, texts whatever. Once I learned to be more casual in my approach the the ex and in laws my children relaxed, my ex relaxed, and the everyday of life was so much smoother. Sure I thought they were jerks but I began to see humor in it , however I did have full custody and the lions share of the child raising went to me, the teen years were a bitch with my ex siding with teens on bad behavior. But they kids have done really well, college educated young professionals so something must have worked.
Anonymous
06/26/2018 14:46
Subject: Ex husband asked me to stop calling his mom when our child is visiting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Did your husband call your aunt when she was babysitting last week?
Yes he did.
So how is it okay to limit you when your DD is at his mother's ? Doesn't he see his inconsistency?
FWIW, my DD is 7 too and she would hit the roof if she didn't get to talk to me every day. My MIL tried to limit her too (and we aren't even divorced!) and DD just picked up the landline and called when grandma was in the shower everyday.
Anonymous
06/26/2018 14:45
Subject: Re:Ex husband asked me to stop calling his mom when our child is visiting
Stepmom here. If what MIL is saying is that bedtime calls seem to end up upsetting the child and making the evenings hard, then figure out a better time. But to straight up say no contact? Yeah, no way.
Anonymous
06/26/2018 14:36
Subject: Ex husband asked me to stop calling his mom when our child is visiting
I'm 41 and I still talk to my mom every day!
Anonymous
06/26/2018 14:30
Subject: Ex husband asked me to stop calling his mom when our child is visiting
Anonymous wrote:Did your husband call your aunt when she was babysitting last week?
Yes he did.
Anonymous
06/26/2018 13:48
Subject: Re:Ex husband asked me to stop calling his mom when our child is visiting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:when adults act like asses (grandmom), children suffer. No way would I honor this request. No one bans me from speaking to my kid.
Except when they just don't answer the phone...
Like I said, when adults act like asses....
Anonymous
06/26/2018 13:47
Subject: Re:Ex husband asked me to stop calling his mom when our child is visiting
Anonymous wrote:when adults act like asses (grandmom), children suffer. No way would I honor this request. No one bans me from speaking to my kid.
Except when they just don't answer the phone...
Anonymous
06/26/2018 13:44
Subject: Re:Ex husband asked me to stop calling his mom when our child is visiting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:when adults act like asses (grandmom), children suffer. No way would I honor this request. No one bans me from speaking to my kid.
Are you divorced?
Yes, his dad is free to call him whenever and so am I. To deny access to the child is cruel and only hurts the kid.
Anonymous
06/26/2018 12:43
Subject: Re:Ex husband asked me to stop calling his mom when our child is visiting
Anonymous wrote:when adults act like asses (grandmom), children suffer. No way would I honor this request. No one bans me from speaking to my kid.
Are you divorced?