Divorce him. He can lose weight, but you'll always be ugly, OP.

Marriage has it's ups and downs and sometimes it can feel like there is more downs than ups unfortunately. The reality is only the two people in the marriage know the full details of what is going on in their marriage, so it can be hard sometimes to give advice or insight. I'm always rooting for marriage to be restored but I know this can only happen if both spouses are committed.

OP here. I got a text around lunchtime:

“I’m still upset, but I see your side of things. I’m sorry it came to this and I really was hurt by hearing it.”

He called awhile later and wants to go on the trip this weekend. No mention of what he’s going to do to fix this. No apology for the way he responded. He just thinks it’ll all go away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two years ago after 17 years of marriage, I got diagnosed with MS. I'm exhausted all the time, and I've gained some weight. I try and eat healthy, but sometimes I just want simple carbs. I also have to walk with a cane now. DH has to help me significantly after my treatments. Our sex life is different, less exciting, and less frequent than before as I have limitations now. He still loves me as much as the day he married me because we are together in sickness and in health, and I feel the same way. If you don't have the same level of love and compassion for each other as when you married each other, you need to think long and hard about whether you guys can reclaim that (therapy, communication workshops, etc) OR if you should decouple.

Having seen loved ones go through cancer, ALS, and from my personal experience, I advise people considering marriage that your spouse is now your family. If in their time of need, you won't help them use the restroom, take a sponge bath, or change their catheter, etc., then you shouldn't be married as that is true love. I firmly believe marriage should be about true love, and true love does take work and compassion.

How is your situation at all comparable to OP's. He doesn't even want to walk the dog.

I recommend therapy/something to reclaim the love or decouple given OP's DH is struggling with something (I don't want to armchair diagnose him even though I'm a psychologist).

Way not to recommend anything or express an opinion.

I guess I'm not understanding how what he said is a sign of "temper" or "threatening behavior"? You said that you were disgusted with him and you had no attraction to him. That's your right, I guess, but what reaction were you expecting? Why should he want to be with someone who regards him that way?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm DH's second wife. This sounds very familiar to his first wife who would complain he wouldn't work out, wasn't sexy, didn't want to do fitness stuff with her all the time. That's why they divorced, they just were no longer attracted to each other and had different goals for weekend activities. Yes, he's got a dad-bod, but I dig it, and we've been happily married now for almost 10 years and have 2 kids. We go for family walks nightly, but none of us are running a marathon anytime soon.

OP here. The number of opinions and conjecture about my life are entertaining. I exercise 4 days a week, during my work day. I lost 10lbs by cleaning up my diet, specifically stopping the 5 lunches out every week. I couldn't tell you the last time I did "fitness stuff" on the weekend or expected DH to join me. He's also 5'11" and 300 pounds, so we're well beyond dad-bod at this point.

To answer some of the other questions:
I make 4x what he does, and no, he does not contribute to our quality of life. Since being released from his last steady job (due to an action he took), he has been happily underemployed, enjoying the free time to sleep in and work minimal hours.

When we met, he was in a high-risk job. Had he been injured on the job, that would be different than him just being too lazy to get his life together. Same for if he was genuinely sick and not just glutonous.

His temper seems to be a family trait, as his brother is the same way. They both respond with the most extreme thing they can come up with. Ex-SIL finally gave up. I really don't think there is any amount of drugs or counseling that can change him, especially since he doesn't want to be changed. He thinks this threatening behavior is fine.

Quite honestly, if we divorce and he wants to lose 100lbs to go after some hot young thing, good for him. It won't change all of his negative traits.

Fortunately, I was already working longer hours this week so I could take a long weekend, so I won't have to see him much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two years ago after 17 years of marriage, I got diagnosed with MS. I'm exhausted all the time, and I've gained some weight. I try and eat healthy, but sometimes I just want simple carbs. I also have to walk with a cane now. DH has to help me significantly after my treatments. Our sex life is different, less exciting, and less frequent than before as I have limitations now. He still loves me as much as the day he married me because we are together in sickness and in health, and I feel the same way. If you don't have the same level of love and compassion for each other as when you married each other, you need to think long and hard about whether you guys can reclaim that (therapy, communication workshops, etc) OR if you should decouple.

Having seen loved ones go through cancer, ALS, and from my personal experience, I advise people considering marriage that your spouse is now your family. If in their time of need, you won't help them use the restroom, take a sponge bath, or change their catheter, etc., then you shouldn't be married as that is true love. I firmly believe marriage should be about true love, and true love does take work and compassion.

How is your situation at all comparable to OP's. He doesn't even want to walk the dog.

I recommend therapy/something to reclaim the love or decouple given OP's DH is struggling with something (I don't want to armchair diagnose him even though I'm a psychologist).

Anonymous wrote:Two years ago after 17 years of marriage, I got diagnosed with MS. I'm exhausted all the time, and I've gained some weight. I try and eat healthy, but sometimes I just want simple carbs. I also have to walk with a cane now. DH has to help me significantly after my treatments. Our sex life is different, less exciting, and less frequent than before as I have limitations now. He still loves me as much as the day he married me because we are together in sickness and in health, and I feel the same way. If you don't have the same level of love and compassion for each other as when you married each other, you need to think long and hard about whether you guys can reclaim that (therapy, communication workshops, etc) OR if you should decouple.

Having seen loved ones go through cancer, ALS, and from my personal experience, I advise people considering marriage that your spouse is now your family. If in their time of need, you won't help them use the restroom, take a sponge bath, or change their catheter, etc., then you shouldn't be married as that is true love. I firmly believe marriage should be about true love, and true love does take work and compassion.

How is your situation at all comparable to OP's. He doesn't even want to walk the dog.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Two years ago after 17 years of marriage, I got diagnosed with MS. I'm exhausted all the time, and I've gained some weight. I try and eat healthy, but sometimes I just want simple carbs. I also have to walk with a cane now. DH has to help me significantly after my treatments. Our sex life is different, less exciting, and less frequent than before as I have limitations now. He still loves me as much as the day he married me because we are together in sickness and in health, and I feel the same way. If you don't have the same level of love and compassion for each other as when you married each other, you need to think long and hard about whether you guys can reclaim that (therapy, communication workshops, etc) OR if you should decouple.

Having seen loved ones go through cancer, ALS, and from my personal experience, I advise people considering marriage that your spouse is now your family. If in their time of need, you won't help them use the restroom, take a sponge bath, or change their catheter, etc., then you shouldn't be married as that is true love. I firmly believe marriage should be about true love, and true love does take work and compassion. [/quote]

That’s LOVE!!![/quote]

It is. I am very lucky, and I hope all others find such love. We dated for 8 years prior to marriage, so we've been together for over 25 years now. I was just telling my niece how love at 21 looks very different than love at 35, 45, 55, 65, 75, 85, 95; and you should know you'll love your spouse the same at all ages even when your situation changes because it will as we all age. My DH is my best friend, and my true family in this world. We both communicate this to each other constantly, and we also work very hard to keep our sex life decent with my limitations as that is important in a marriage. I don't know if people realize love evolves when they get married, and they need to think about how they might have to care for their spouse which is very hard or be cared for which is also hard.