Anonymous
05/08/2018 23:26
Subject: I think my MIL overstepped
Anonymous wrote:I think you need to say something to her about it. You'd invited your friend to the hospital and wanted her support. You didn't get it and it made your labor harder. Tell MIL she doesn't have the right to make decisions for your family.
+1
Plus, call MIL *after* birth next time.
Anonymous
05/08/2018 23:23
Subject: Re:I think my MIL overstepped
''Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why do people feel the need to announce they are in labor and gather an audience? Just let your friends and family know the baby had arrived at some point within a day of its birth. Sheesh.
Because some women enjoy making a spectacle of their pregnancy. The detailed week-by-week posts on social media, elaborate pregnancy and gender reveals, and then once they actually go into labor they want an audience and everyone to know how much they’re dilated.
+1
Maybe it's not an "audience" that the women are seeking but support from loved ones? Just a thought. Sure some women want to make a spectacle of their pregnancies and births but many others just want to have family and friends near to share an emotional, exciting, scary, joyous time in their lives. I'm not speaking from personal experience. I didn't want anyone except my husband (and hospital staff) there for my births. But I don't think one should immediately assume that anyone who lets loved ones know when they're in labor and/or wants friends and family there is some kind of narcissist.
You raise a good point. I'm the +1. I guess the kicker for me is that it is 2 weeks later. The baby is hopefully at home and thriving, yet here is OP stomping her feet about how she was wronged. I get it that she wanted her friend there for some reason but it is over now. It is hard to see that OP has her baby's best interests at heart when all she can do is focus on what happened to her in L&D.
You are as rude as the MIL. Op, ignore this.
Actually, OP, pay close attention to this. You have a lovely new being in your life and you are so wrapped up in something so unimportant. There was a misunderstanding, your MIL may have overstepped, but you have a sweet new baby that you should be thinking about and paying attention to.
Anonymous
05/08/2018 22:47
Subject: Re:I think my MIL overstepped
Op, generally how is your relationship with your MIL and how has it been in the weeks since you have birth? Just wondering if any boundary/taking over situations have happened before or since then?
My two cents-your MIL overstepped and someone should raise it with her or it is likely to happen again.
My two cents-your MIL overstepped and someone should raise it with her or it is likely to happen again.
Anonymous
05/08/2018 22:43
Subject: Re:I think my MIL overstepped
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why do people feel the need to announce they are in labor and gather an audience? Just let your friends and family know the baby had arrived at some point within a day of its birth. Sheesh.
Because some women enjoy making a spectacle of their pregnancy. The detailed week-by-week posts on social media, elaborate pregnancy and gender reveals, and then once they actually go into labor they want an audience and everyone to know how much they’re dilated.
+1
Maybe it's not an "audience" that the women are seeking but support from loved ones? Just a thought. Sure some women want to make a spectacle of their pregnancies and births but many others just want to have family and friends near to share an emotional, exciting, scary, joyous time in their lives. I'm not speaking from personal experience. I didn't want anyone except my husband (and hospital staff
You raise a good point. I'm the +1. I guess the kicker for me is that it is 2 weeks later. The baby is hopefully at home and thriving, yet here is OP stomping her feet about how she was wronged. I get it that she wanted her friend there for some reason but it is over now. It is hard to see that OP has her baby's best interests at heart when all she can do is focus on what happened to her in L&D.
You are as rude as the MIL. Op, ignore this.
Anonymous
05/08/2018 22:27
Subject: Re:I think my MIL overstepped
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why do people feel the need to announce they are in labor and gather an audience? Just let your friends and family know the baby had arrived at some point within a day of its birth. Sheesh.
Because some women enjoy making a spectacle of their pregnancy. The detailed week-by-week posts on social media, elaborate pregnancy and gender reveals, and then once they actually go into labor they want an audience and everyone to know how much they’re dilated.
+1
Maybe it's not an "audience" that the women are seeking but support from loved ones? Just a thought. Sure some women want to make a spectacle of their pregnancies and births but many others just want to have family and friends near to share an emotional, exciting, scary, joyous time in their lives. I'm not speaking from personal experience. I didn't want anyone except my husband (and hospital staff
You raise a good point. I'm the +1. I guess the kicker for me is that it is 2 weeks later. The baby is hopefully at home and thriving, yet here is OP stomping her feet about how she was wronged. I get it that she wanted her friend there for some reason but it is over now. It is hard to see that OP has her baby's best interests at heart when all she can do is focus on what happened to her in L&D.
Anonymous
05/08/2018 22:23
Subject: Re:I think my MIL overstepped
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why do people feel the need to announce they are in labor and gather an audience? Just let your friends and family know the baby had arrived at some point within a day of its birth. Sheesh.
Because some women enjoy making a spectacle of their pregnancy. The detailed week-by-week posts on social media, elaborate pregnancy and gender reveals, and then once they actually go into labor they want an audience and everyone to know how much they’re dilated.
+1
Maybe it's not an "audience" that the women are seeking but support from loved ones? Just a thought. Sure some women want to make a spectacle of their pregnancies and births but many others just want to have family and friends near to share an emotional, exciting, scary, joyous time in their lives. I'm not speaking from personal experience. I didn't want anyone except my husband (and hospital staff
This is OP. I didn’t want family and my friend there to be “center of attention”, it was our first baby and the first grandchild for all, so the grandparents were excited to come up and wait. My friend is having fertility issues and was just excited to be a part of the day.
I appreciate all the comments. I’m still reading through them all trying to decide the best move.
Anonymous
05/08/2018 21:49
Subject: Re:I think my MIL overstepped
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why do people feel the need to announce they are in labor and gather an audience? Just let your friends and family know the baby had arrived at some point within a day of its birth. Sheesh.
Because some women enjoy making a spectacle of their pregnancy. The detailed week-by-week posts on social media, elaborate pregnancy and gender reveals, and then once they actually go into labor they want an audience and everyone to know how much they’re dilated.
+1
Maybe it's not an "audience" that the women are seeking but support from loved ones? Just a thought. Sure some women want to make a spectacle of their pregnancies and births but many others just want to have family and friends near to share an emotional, exciting, scary, joyous time in their lives. I'm not speaking from personal experience. I didn't want anyone except my husband (and hospital staff
) there for my births. But I don't think one should immediately assume that anyone who lets loved ones know when they're in labor and/or wants friends and family there is some kind of narcissist.
Anonymous
05/08/2018 21:16
Subject: I think my MIL overstepped
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would let it go BUT she may have been trying to do the best for you (always assume the best). However, if you feel like you have to say something say something like "MIL, Trudy told me that you asked her to leave the hospital. I was waiting for her and had been texting with her all day. Just so you know, she did have my permission to come see me."
This is what I would do. Without knowing her motivations or if this has been an issue before, I would just want her to know that there was a backstory and you want to make your own decisions.
I also might add "MIL, Trudy told me that you asked her to leave the hospital. I was waiting for her and had been texting with her all day. Just so you know, she did have my permission to come see me. I consider her my family and I wish you had asked me before making a decision for me. I was not incapacitated. Instead I was left thinking she didn’t come."
+1
Some people must have never had a true friend in their lives, they don't get it.
Anonymous
05/08/2018 20:57
Subject: Re:I think my MIL overstepped
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why do people feel the need to announce they are in labor and gather an audience? Just let your friends and family know the baby had arrived at some point within a day of its birth. Sheesh.
Because some women enjoy making a spectacle of their pregnancy. The detailed week-by-week posts on social media, elaborate pregnancy and gender reveals, and then once they actually go into labor they want an audience and everyone to know how much they’re dilated.
+1
Anonymous
05/08/2018 20:23
Subject: I think my MIL overstepped
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would let it go BUT she may have been trying to do the best for you (always assume the best). However, if you feel like you have to say something say something like "MIL, Trudy told me that you asked her to leave the hospital. I was waiting for her and had been texting with her all day. Just so you know, she did have my permission to come see me."
This is what I would do. Without knowing her motivations or if this has been an issue before, I would just want her to know that there was a backstory and you want to make your own decisions.
I also might add "MIL, Trudy told me that you asked her to leave the hospital. I was waiting for her and had been texting with her all day. Just so you know, she did have my permission to come see me. I consider her my family and I wish you had asked me before making a decision for me. I was not incapacitated. Instead I was left thinking she didn’t come."
Anonymous
05/08/2018 20:02
Subject: I think my MIL overstepped
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Everyone, I think you are missing the key element that explains where MIL is coming from - in addition to sending BFF away and sending a Facebook message telling her to stay away, she also lied to OP and her husband and said that BFF left of her own accord when she heard OP was having a hard time.
You can talk about cultural norms pertaining to friends and family and childbirth all day. I think that if someone lies about their actions - not just minimizes the action but straight up lies - that indicates to me that they know what they did was wrong and are trying to make themselves look right. That’s what’s going on here. MIL didn’t want anyone but family to see the baby. She wasn’t interested in OP’s preferences at all. I can understand sending BFF away but the two follow ups were over the top and dishonest.
I'm not reading that in the OP.
From OP at 1046:
“None of us knew it happened until my friend told me a week later. MIL told us that she came and then left when she heard I wasn’t doing well.”
Anonymous
05/08/2018 19:39
Subject: I think my MIL overstepped
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your MIL did overstep. Especially with the follow up FB message banishing your friend. How awkward.
But where was your DH? I also think this message should be delivered by him. "Mom, you should not have sent Susie's friend away AND then FB messaged her. Susie really wanted to see her and they had discussed this ahead of time". Then that's it.
If she apologizes, just say "yes I was confused and a little hurt when Susie never showed up to visit. She told me later you'd messaged her to stay away. I wish you hadn't."
END. Do not argue about it. If you MIL is defensive and never apologizes, just move on. But also don't allow her to be in the delivery room again.
Your DH should have run better interference with his mother day of.
None of us knew it happened until my friend told me a week later. MIL told us that she came and then left when she heard I wasn’t doing well.
I agree with PP. Your husband needs to address it. I am big on the idea that you sometimes need to teach people how to treat you - if you let one thing slide, some people will take it as complacency for the behavior (and it sounds like your MIL is one of those people). If your husband refuses to do it, I would address it with her, but ensure that he is present so there is no confusion about what was said. You MIL was incredibly rude.
Anonymous
05/08/2018 19:35
Subject: Re:I think my MIL overstepped
This is 100% MIL wanting to be the first to see the baby. Otherwise there was no need to send that exact message about family and seeing the baby first and MIL would have told you your friend stopped by. It was pure and simple competition.
Anonymous
05/08/2018 19:32
Subject: Re:I think my MIL overstepped
Anonymous wrote:Next baby, don’t tell anyone until you are home from the hospital for at least a month.
Don't tell in-laws. Tell your friend.
Anonymous
05/08/2018 19:31
Subject: I think my MIL overstepped
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wow, she really overstepped. I would be really pissed but don’t see what good will come of it to call her out on it now, unfortunately. Any future overstepping needs a swift reaction though.
Next baby, don’t call her until after the baby has been delivered.
I would let it go BUT she may have been trying to do the best for you (always assume the best). However, if you feel like you have to say something say something like "MIL, Trudy told me that you asked her to leave the hospital. I was waiting for her and had been texting with her all day. Just so you know, she did have my permission to come see me."
I think she absolutely overstepped and I would bring it up in a way like pp suggested. It's not confrontational but reminds her of boundaries.