Anonymous
05/07/2018 09:19
Subject: Settle a disagreement between DH and me
OP here.
Well, I am certainly glad to hear that most of you think that DH should be responsible for notifying people that he is heading into the bathroom. This was what I suggested: when he is heading in there, he should tell DD and make her go in and use the bathroom at that time. He thought that this was micromanaging and ridiculous because he's "not in there very long" and that DD should be able to hold it. When I pointed out that he is regularly in there for 20+ minutes, he said that DD should be able to hold it for 20 minutes. While I agree that DD should be able to hold it for 20 minutes (and usually can), I don't think that she should have to hold it so that DH can sit on the toilet for close to half an hour. If she's at school, fine. If we're driving somewhere and need to get to a bathroom, fine. If we're on an airplane and need to land before she can go, fine. But in her own home, where there is a bathroom that is being used as a private lounge? No. Not fine. He is the adult.
We talked about it yesterday morning and he agreed to start being more clear about his bathroom intentions. The biggest issue is that he doesn't actually announce that he's going to the bathroom. He just goes. So DD doesn't generally find out that the bathroom is occupied until she really needs to use it, at which point, he is snippy when she knocks on the door. On the weekdays, it's not an issue because I leave with the girls before his marathon bathroom sessions, so basically what he is being asked to do is limit his time in there on the 2 days a week (Saturday and Sunday) that we are all home together during his regular time and do whatever he wants on the other 5 days.
As for the rest of you who suggest that we get a bigger apartment, as I mentioned in my OP, that's not possible for a year, and it has nothing to do with my husband and I failing to provide for our family. We are on a temporary assignment and renting the apartment. Renting a large apartment would be impractical and expensive. The PP who mentioned that my life must be going well if this is the only thing I have to complain about is correct, and I am very grateful for that. Doesn't mean I can't be frustrated with the quotidian annoyances.
Well, I am certainly glad to hear that most of you think that DH should be responsible for notifying people that he is heading into the bathroom. This was what I suggested: when he is heading in there, he should tell DD and make her go in and use the bathroom at that time. He thought that this was micromanaging and ridiculous because he's "not in there very long" and that DD should be able to hold it. When I pointed out that he is regularly in there for 20+ minutes, he said that DD should be able to hold it for 20 minutes. While I agree that DD should be able to hold it for 20 minutes (and usually can), I don't think that she should have to hold it so that DH can sit on the toilet for close to half an hour. If she's at school, fine. If we're driving somewhere and need to get to a bathroom, fine. If we're on an airplane and need to land before she can go, fine. But in her own home, where there is a bathroom that is being used as a private lounge? No. Not fine. He is the adult.
We talked about it yesterday morning and he agreed to start being more clear about his bathroom intentions. The biggest issue is that he doesn't actually announce that he's going to the bathroom. He just goes. So DD doesn't generally find out that the bathroom is occupied until she really needs to use it, at which point, he is snippy when she knocks on the door. On the weekdays, it's not an issue because I leave with the girls before his marathon bathroom sessions, so basically what he is being asked to do is limit his time in there on the 2 days a week (Saturday and Sunday) that we are all home together during his regular time and do whatever he wants on the other 5 days.
As for the rest of you who suggest that we get a bigger apartment, as I mentioned in my OP, that's not possible for a year, and it has nothing to do with my husband and I failing to provide for our family. We are on a temporary assignment and renting the apartment. Renting a large apartment would be impractical and expensive. The PP who mentioned that my life must be going well if this is the only thing I have to complain about is correct, and I am very grateful for that. Doesn't mean I can't be frustrated with the quotidian annoyances.
Anonymous
05/07/2018 00:22
Subject: Re:Settle a disagreement between DH and me
Oh, OP, I am so sorry !!!
I am extremely smell sensitive and also too 'uptight' in every sense of the word (can't easily use the bathroom if I know ANYONE will be going in after I will, can hear me, etc.,.). My husband's parents, sister, and he all take forever in the bathroom and have no compunction about noise, smells, or specifying exactly what they're going to do when they're going in the bathroom. I swear I used to make myself sick thinking about all this when I was much younger!
For a long time I wouldn't even talk about it, just seethed, and then I finally explained my discomfort to him. He has ZERO sense of smell and obviously no 'bathroom issues' so he had to learn to understand where on earth I was coming from...I'm a repressed Southerner, him, not so much
.
Anyway, we've fortunately gotten to a place where we each (DH, DC, and I) have 'our own bathroom' and a guest bathroom -- 30 years later -- AND when we're traveling for vacation and DH needs to relieve himself, he will often go to a different bathroom in the hotel.
But it did take a long time and a lot of resource building (so to speak). In your current situation, I'd just explain it's untenable in the mornings and that he can either get up early, use the bathroom for its one DESIGNED purpose (baths and toileting and handwashing/teeth brushing) and/or use another space to read, recharge and relax (DD's bedroom for heaven's sake if that's what it takes and he needs that kind of time just to surf the net and read.
Good luck!
I am extremely smell sensitive and also too 'uptight' in every sense of the word (can't easily use the bathroom if I know ANYONE will be going in after I will, can hear me, etc.,.). My husband's parents, sister, and he all take forever in the bathroom and have no compunction about noise, smells, or specifying exactly what they're going to do when they're going in the bathroom. I swear I used to make myself sick thinking about all this when I was much younger!
For a long time I wouldn't even talk about it, just seethed, and then I finally explained my discomfort to him. He has ZERO sense of smell and obviously no 'bathroom issues' so he had to learn to understand where on earth I was coming from...I'm a repressed Southerner, him, not so much
.
Anyway, we've fortunately gotten to a place where we each (DH, DC, and I) have 'our own bathroom' and a guest bathroom -- 30 years later -- AND when we're traveling for vacation and DH needs to relieve himself, he will often go to a different bathroom in the hotel.
But it did take a long time and a lot of resource building (so to speak). In your current situation, I'd just explain it's untenable in the mornings and that he can either get up early, use the bathroom for its one DESIGNED purpose (baths and toileting and handwashing/teeth brushing) and/or use another space to read, recharge and relax (DD's bedroom for heaven's sake if that's what it takes and he needs that kind of time just to surf the net and read.
Good luck!