Anonymous
04/15/2018 10:05
Subject: If you and your partner wanted different #s of children, how did you come to terms with it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I feel like the partner wanting a smaller family should "win." Before we got married, we both wanted two kids. Now understanding the reality of parenting, looking at our ages plus tight financial circumstances, my spouse wants to stop at one. I understand the decision, and the reasons are very logical. I just can't reach inner peace with it. I'm looking for how others got there. I don't want to end up bitter toward my spouse, which I'm afraid I'm starting to feel.
The lower number wins every time. Coercing people into having children that they do not want does not end well for anyone, least of all the unwanted child.
FWIW, this was a large part of why my first husband and I got divorced. "We" wanted 2 kids, which was a compromise for me as I wanted 1 and he wanted at least 4. We agreed on 2, but then he was a complete cad about how they had to be spaced very close together, with zero regard for the physical aspects of pregnancy that made me want to wait more than a year between kids. He also blamed the miscarriages I experienced when we were TTC #2 on my ambivalence about having more than 1 child. He actually said "Maybe if you wanted this child more, it wouldn't have died." I understand that everyone grieves differently, but that is a truly garbage thing to say to someone you claim to love and is an example of how unaddressed resentment can poison a marriage with this issue.
You didn't get divorced because you had different ideas about children, you got divorced because you married a massive A-Hole. I say that as a guy.
Anonymous
04/06/2018 18:00
Subject: Re:If you and your partner wanted different #s of children, how did you come to terms with it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:- mother's preference should have an edge
- raise the issue but don't dwell in it. ditch your birth control and try to get pregnant regardless. he will get over it.
Wow. How are your horrible life decisions working out for you thus far?
My SIL did this and was divorced before the oops baby was a year old. Big mistake.
then their marriage was shaky to start with.
Any marriage where one spouse would trick their partner into having another baby on purpose is shaky.
not at all. a little bit dishonestly greeses the wheels of marriage. nagging and arguments - i.e. honesty - can damage a marriage much more.
Anonymous
04/06/2018 17:48
Subject: If you and your partner wanted different #s of children, how did you come to terms with it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:When my brother married his wife, they both were on board with not having children. She started badgering him for 1 and he held his ground. Of course she "accidentally" got pregnant. He ended up loving his daughter, but once again the wife started in badgering him, relentlessly for a 2nd. He then took a "work trip" for a week, got a vasectomy on a Monday and "returned home" on Friday. She still badgers him and he just shrugs it off now, not even slightly worried about it.
That is awesome! Good for him for not even telling her. She deserves as much. But I wonder how long he can keep that up. Maybe he will eventually tell her that he "accidentally" got snipped.
No, he definitely won't ever let her know. He's positive she has abandoned using birth control and had he not been snipped she'd be pregnant again. He's just wondering if she will have the balls to ask to see a fertility doctor. I know he will refuse to go, as he has never led her on that he ever even remotely wanted kids. What I'm wondering if she will pop up pregnant, pretending it is him. That will be one for Jerry Springer.
Anonymous
04/06/2018 16:59
Subject: Re:If you and your partner wanted different #s of children, how did you come to terms with it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I got pregnant "accidentally"
To this day he still thinks he had to talk me into keeping the pregnancy, lol.
This ^^^ is why I had a vasectomy and took that option away from her to exercise again whenever she felt like it. This is too common and there is a special place in hell for women like you. So many men will never know about these birth control "accidents." But here's a tip, birth control hardly ever truly fails. When a woman truly doesn't want to get pregnant, the birth control seems to be nearly 100% effective. The inverse of this is also true.
This is not true! I got pregnant using a condom and taking morning after pill because I thought there was a chance the condom might have slipped. I really did not want the pregnancy and had an abortion. So... no, most women don’t do this on purpose... not sure what kind of person you married (poor you). Birth control fails so if men want to make sure they don’t have kids, they should not have sex (same goes for women of course)
Your BC failed so you had an abortion. The ultimate birth control. You're making my case. You didn't want a child and made sure you didn't. It's when a woman wants a child that the failure rate goes way up and abortion is not an option.
It's not just my experience, I've seen it plenty of times and many women have admitted as much to their friends. It's also a common ploy of women who know the husband wants out of the marriage. Or to trap a guy into marriage.
"..if men want to make sure they don’t have kids, they should not have sex.." That's one sure way, but not much fun. A much better way is to take ultimate control and get snipped. Leaving BC up to a woman is foolish unless your are dead sure that woman doesn't want children. Then, it's just a little foolish.
Anonymous
04/06/2018 14:13
Subject: Re:If you and your partner wanted different #s of children, how did you come to terms with it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:- mother's preference should have an edge
- raise the issue but don't dwell in it. ditch your birth control and try to get pregnant regardless. he will get over it.
Wow. How are your horrible life decisions working out for you thus far?
My SIL did this and was divorced before the oops baby was a year old. Big mistake.
then their marriage was shaky to start with.
Any marriage where one spouse would trick their partner into having another baby on purpose is shaky.
Anonymous
04/06/2018 14:07
Subject: Re:If you and your partner wanted different #s of children, how did you come to terms with it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I got pregnant "accidentally"
To this day he still thinks he had to talk me into keeping the pregnancy, lol.
This ^^^ is why I had a vasectomy and took that option away from her to exercise again whenever she felt like it. This is too common and there is a special place in hell for women like you. So many men will never know about these birth control "accidents." But here's a tip, birth control hardly ever truly fails. When a woman truly doesn't want to get pregnant, the birth control seems to be nearly 100% effective. The inverse of this is also true.
This is not true! I got pregnant using a condom and taking morning after pill because I thought there was a chance the condom might have slipped. I really did not want the pregnancy and had an abortion. So... no, most women don’t do this on purpose... not sure what kind of person you married (poor you). Birth control fails so if men want to make sure they don’t have kids, they should not have sex (same goes for women of course)
Anonymous
04/06/2018 12:59
Subject: If you and your partner wanted different #s of children, how did you come to terms with it?
Anonymous wrote:When my brother married his wife, they both were on board with not having children. She started badgering him for 1 and he held his ground. Of course she "accidentally" got pregnant. He ended up loving his daughter, but once again the wife started in badgering him, relentlessly for a 2nd. He then took a "work trip" for a week, got a vasectomy on a Monday and "returned home" on Friday. She still badgers him and he just shrugs it off now, not even slightly worried about it.
That is awesome! Good for him for not even telling her. She deserves as much. But I wonder how long he can keep that up. Maybe he will eventually tell her that he "accidentally" got snipped.
Anonymous
04/06/2018 12:57
Subject: Re:If you and your partner wanted different #s of children, how did you come to terms with it?
Anonymous wrote:I got pregnant "accidentally"
To this day he still thinks he had to talk me into keeping the pregnancy, lol.
This ^^^ is why I had a vasectomy and took that option away from her to exercise again whenever she felt like it. This is too common and there is a special place in hell for women like you. So many men will never know about these birth control "accidents." But here's a tip, birth control hardly ever truly fails. When a woman truly doesn't want to get pregnant, the birth control seems to be nearly 100% effective. The inverse of this is also true.
Anonymous
04/06/2018 12:49
Subject: If you and your partner wanted different #s of children, how did you come to terms with it?
Anonymous wrote:\Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Presumably you married this person because you’re in love with them and they complete your life.
So why would you put this desire for a nonexistent hypothetical being above what your husband—the person that’s supposed to be your soul mate—wants? You married him to be more than just a sperm donor, right? So respect his desires and make a happy life with him with what you have.
omg you again. Marriage is not about soulmates!! It is not about meeting someone to "complete you!" or you "one true love" as you wrote another time. It is about living and building a life together - which is why it's good to be on the same page about what kind of life you both want.
I’m sorry you married a roommate.
I didn't. I married a partner with whom I share goals and real life intimacy rooted in reality. I am sorry your parents poisoned you with too many Disney movies.
+1000000
